I see you and my hands start to shake
they keep getting worse
I can tell be how the alcohol bottle is shaking, glass looking as fragile as me.
I cover it up with another shot.
I can feel you watching me
we're close
I look at you and hold your stare
to show you that I'm not intimidated and please don't look at my hands
Your lips twitch into a smile
That breaks me more than the look in your eyes
How can a smile so sweet belong to someone with eyes so empty, cold, inviting, predatory.
We're so attracted to eachother, I can't stop myself from pressing against you, you don't care enough to stop. Apparently either do I.
Your kiss does something to me, sets me on fire so to speak.
The only thing I can think about.
I can't help kissing you or your neck
grazing my teeth along burning skin
I can't help but want to sink my teeth into what's mine.
But then I stop. Because you are not mine and you don't want to be. That alone is what makes me turn around and leave.

Winter comes and so do I
we started out with your hand on my thigh
then we got high
and (I'm) leaving without saying goodbye
because who the **** is still warm when its this cold and why are you still holding me when I'm colder?
I need alcohol
my cheeks flushed and your breath warm
why do my hands shake all the time
while yours stay warm and still
mocking me
knowing I get lost in the heat.
I bet cold is uncrackable
you shatter me with a kiss.
Why play games when you can just kiss?
Why be gentle with a boy with warm fists?
Why cover bruises you told him to make?
Why have feelings when you can have him
God I love to touch and tear your skin
who the **** let you in?
Who the **** said you could look at me like that?
Hate always welcomes me back.
Winter let's me in.
Flames beg to reside in my lips and skin.
You think I cannot burn?
You think my eyes are soft because there blue?
I'll slit your throat with a look
I'll match my lipstick color to the blood.
Just because my cheeks and my alcohol is warm doesn't mean I am.
Let me tell you a story about the time I fell (in love).
Let me tell you a story about how I became the cold of the ground I fell on in winter when you told me I was to young to love so deeply and that because of it I'll always be hurting
But now let me tell you about what I do to stay cold
I'm always getting over someone
underneath another on their sheets in their bed because if I can't stay well my scent will
and if he can't remember me
your bed will remember my shape
and your walls liked my silence and my moans
You liked my golden hair.
The only part of me I allowed to hold light.
I could make you love me
if I wasn't already in love (with the way you **** me)

My god you are every star i fell in love with when i was little.
You are every wave that loves to crash into my body.
You are every drop of moonlight that i plead with to touch your skin too.
You are every strand of sunlight hitting water.
Every late night swim.
Every late night poem.
Every tremor of my hands.
Every breath of fresh night air.
Soft morning light.
I am nothing to you.

I swear to god it would feel better if you were shouting bitter words
starring at me with anger lit eyes
shaking hands pushing me away
fist clenched
strained voice
anything.
Anything to show me that i have some effect on you.
Don't cut me out.
Don't forget about me.

She is fire, she is ice.
She is the tides
She is the controlling factor of the tides.
"Stay away from forests, boys with sparks in their eyes, bridges."
You cannot hide the fire under your skin
in your fluttering eyes
shaking hands begging to strike a match.
But don't stay away from love because i've never seen you fuel anything better.
It's the cold that gets you
constant shivers
numb
emotionless.
Test my chilling wrath.

You touch my skin and cringe,
you avoid eye contact with me and i either love you for it
or hate you for it.
Is your heart cold or is mine?
Whose hands shake more?
When did i become the one cringing?
Maybe i'm just trying to free myself from your presence.
Take off your hold on my heart, lungs, mind,
before i break your hand.

If i don't see god when i kiss him,
if he doesn't make my knees give out and fall to the floor,
then what reason do i have to believe in him?
You've always said i have a sinners smile,
let me show you what it looks like to be broken.
Let me show you what it feels like to be heartless.

If my blood is as red as your lips,
how can i not draw it?
And if your fingertips are as smooth as my back
why are they not traveling it?
If my laugh is as chilling as thunder
then why is it not echoing in your mind?
If my heart beats as fast as your shaking hands
then why aren't you holding it?
If your lungs are as black as my fingertips
then why isn't my touch making your breath come faster?
If my skin has as many goosebumps as yours does chills
then why aren't they touching?
If our souls play the same song
then why aren't we together.

It's okay that you take my breath away
I never wanted to breathe without you near anyway.
It's okay you can't fix me,
i'm not broken,
just a puzzle, a labyrinth, that can't be figured out.
I know you never wanted to give up,
but your arm's were tired of holding me together,
and i just couldn't let go.
But believe me i'm trying,
I just don't know what will happen
whether i can hold myself above the water,
whether i break my neck hanging,
or stand tall.
I'd tell you i'm a broken crumbling building,
but i want you to remember me as lightening.
As thunder as it vibrates through you.
And piano music when it gives you chills.
As storms when they give you thrills.
I just want to be remembered by you,
even if i'm gone.
Even if i have to let go.

My skin is cold
your hands are warm
My lungs are black
your heart is gold
My fingers can't stop trembling
your hands can't stop shaking
I'm sorry i'm breaking.
I'm sorry you're done saving.
Don't be sorry,
it's my fault.
I'm drowning,
it wasn't your job to teach me how to swim.

You know what my skin feels like along your lips
you know what my hips feel like with your fingertips
you know look on my face when i've had too much to drink
you know the feeling of my legs around your back
you know the sigh i make at 3 am but not from loneliness
you know the feeling of my lips tasting skin that responds with shivers when i respond with pulling away
you know the feel on my back moving and twisting.
You do not know what my lips look like when they are trembling.
You do not know how it feels with my hips hard against the floor shaking with a shaking body and not pressed against yours, still shaking
You do not know what my face looks like when i am trying not to scream his name
You do not know how my legs look curled up on my reading chair itching to be wrapped around him.
You do not know my sighs in the night that scream his name silently
You do not know how much my lips did not want to kiss yours that night.
You do not know how sorry and how not sorry i am.

I'm not sorry i took that drink from the glass bottle when you asked me again and again
and i'm not sorry that my eyes were as glassy and empty.
I'm not sorry i let you run your fingers along my spine,
even though you were fumbling.
I'm not sorry i let you sigh my name as i pressed my hips against yours.
I am not sorry that your lips didn't make my heart beat any faster.
I'm not sorry that your skin didn't give me shivers.
I'm not sorry that i avoided your lips.
I am not sorry that you touched my skin but not my heart.
I am not sorry that i didn't want to touch you at all.
I am sorry that you touched skin that would never have goosebumps rise for your fingertips.
I am sorry that you held a body that would never lay next to you on your bed and let the scent soak in.
I am sorry that you gripped fingers in hair that would never be displayed along your chest.
I am sorry that my lips would rather touch a glass bottle than your neck.
I am sorry that you tried to hold onto me and i left with no intention of returning like the sea.
I am so sorry you chose me to pour your love into that night.
You should have just poured another drink.

I am 6 ft underneath.
I wanted to be next to the root's of tree's
i left in my note that i wanted you to be buried next to me,
so we can be together again.
So do not cry
i'm in my favorite blue dress
and i don't have to have a smile plastered to my lips.
Mom do not lay in my bed
your thoughts will start to hurt your head
and i don't want my pillow to collect more tears.
I had a good few years,
so do not fear.
Dad do not try and understand why i had to go
you cannot reason with death.
And he's a really good kisser.
Sister you can have all my things
please wear them,
remember me.
Sister i'm sorry i left
but do not wear your favorite dress
and beg for a taste of death's lips.
Bestfriend,
travel for me?
Bring my notebook and write down everything.
If i wasn't in the ground
you know i'd be with you.
so do not cry,
you know the reason why.

Kiss me like you know what we're doing.
Make me shake with shivers,
like i'm outside naked in the winter.
Wrap your fingers in my hair
like your trying to hold air.
On my neck plant kisses
like that puppy did when you got him for chirstmas.
Hold me close like i'm the rarest rose.
I'll lay my head in the crook of your neck
like its the cool side of my pillow on my bed.
I'll plant gentle kisses on your neck,
like they're secrets.
Trail your fingers across my skin
like i'm your favorite instrument.
Plant kisses along my inner thighs
everyone as sweet as stolen kisses in the night.
Make me sigh like my breath makes you high.
Hold me close all night
like you're afraid i'm going to take flight,
right up until the sunrise.
But never, never, kiss me goodbye.

If you think I cannot be like the boy who loves the burn of his favorite whiskey
and grabs a pretty girl around the waist
twirling her and whispering in her ear
lovely lies.
And when they get back to his apartment
and fall on the bed
where he keeps a tattered notebook
and a pack of cigarettes under.
The one who has bright dead eyes
begging you to fall in
and then capturing you in their depths
and making you claw your way out,
defeated.
Even though its easier to stay,
among the sorrow there
and the hurt
and the hate
that he covers up so well
making it easier to stumble into
unknowingly into the depths
falling deeper
and deeper,
like Alice down the rabbit hole.
And you'll want to stay.
He'll watch you reach for his hand
and he'll grab the bottle instead.
You'll reach for him amongst the blankets
and he'll reach for a cigarette.
He'll watch you fall asleep
the way you breathe;
reaching a hand to play with a strand of your hair
but then pull away.
Not allowing himself
and leaving you to go walk the streets
aimlessly,
coming back at dawn
finding her there
knowing she wants to stay
and hold you
and fix you
and you will make her leave.
Because you are gone beyond repair
and her heart is full of love,
and yours is not.
You will not let her in its crushed blackness
because you wouldn't wish that on anyone.
She will leave
and he will drink
until his eyes lose focus
and his hands shake.
He will do the same thing all over again,
catch the attention of a girl with golden hair
and stormy eyes.
Torturing himself even more
because he knows she looks like her.
The one he broke.
The one he let in.
The one whose eyes now resembles his.
The one who does the exact thing he does
every night.
So do not think I cannot be like him.
Because I have learned from the best.

You were down by the river
wearing a old vintage dress
hanging off your body
baring your shoulders and collarbones
that swayed in the wind
like your long wavy hair.
Oh how I longed to push it behind your ears
and see you look up at me
with a storm in your eyes
and a rosy blush portrayed along your soft cheeks.
You softly hummed a melody
without even realizing it.
You finally looked up and noticed me staring at you,
A huge smile threatened to reach your eyes.
But even I couldn't do that, yet.
You blushed when you realized
I was staring at you;
quickly fixing your hair that blew around your face
and your summer dress.
You looked down when I reached you
and I couldn't hold back any longer
and pulled you hard against me
your body crushing into mine
you smelled like wind and flowers
and rain.
I breathed you in,
my face pressed against your neck
your soft hair hiding my face
all I could feel was how your body
fell against mine
and your soft hair tickling my face
and my lips against your neck.
I pulled back
and kissed you with all I had, and you kissed back.
Then I woke up.

I have this feeling inside me that i cannot put into words.
I can put into words the way you smelled
and i can put into words the way i love writing with pens and stroking's with paint brushes
and i can put into words my love for the moon.
But i can't describe this feeling and so you can't relate.
But the thing is,
i don't want any one to relate.

Is your favorite night to drink a whole bottle of whiskey
in your white t shirt and boxers
on a sunday night
because your daddy always drank after church
and your mom always wore his clothes around the house
because it's a quiet night
most asleep in the dead of night
while your strumming the piano keys
and taking a drag
remembering how many times you played as a child on these keys
your old dog fast asleep to the beat
one so familiar
the one your mom hummed you to sleep with every sunday night
and your dog would curl up at your feet,
that was peace.
Now they're gone and your trying to die
With every breathe
of that cigarette
with every gulp of that Jack Daniels
with every crack in your soul from cracking piano keys,
playing them too hard,
playing your hands to the bone.
You are dying,
and they are gone.

Love poisoned me
It made my hands shake
and my head ache
and my hands twitch for a lover who wasn't there
and my stomach feel like the ocean
and my head was filled with love letters and stolen kisses
and it made me stay up late waiting for a tap on my window that would never come
it made me weak
because when i looked in your eyes
my breath would become fast
and i'd lose my concept of time
and when you left
i would lose weight
and i would lose sleep
and i would lose sanity
and love would tear me apart from the inside out
as soon as i tasted your lips
and so as you ran your fingertips along my spine
and soon as i heard you breathe my name in the dead of night
because your lips were poisonous along with your finger tips
and your voice was a drug
and what we had slowly killed me,
like poison in my tea every morning.

On my roof
with a cigarette
the night wind
comforting me again
the warm burn of the cigarette touches my lips
i stare at the stars
and for a second i lose myself.
Your hypnotizing voice brings my back
you grab my hand
as we lay side by side
chain smoking
feeling alive.
You grab a strand of my hair
that the breeze blew your way
and run your fingers along.
I lay there
feeling your touch
smelling you
your electric
smoky
enticing smell.
You pull me on top of you
as soon as i finish smoking
and you say i'm like a forest fire
i burn with a fire so bright it lite's up my eyes,
my soul.
I destroy
but only myself
for i am the forest and the fire
smoke
wind
earth
fire.
You say i'm dangerous to be infatuated with.
"You can get lost
trying to navigate
through your mind
along your skin,
that is the forest floor.
And then you'll be trapped
when the fire starts ablaze
and you won't try to run
because you will be distracted by your beautiful burning light
and your beautiful burning forest
your beautiful burning skin.
You won't even feel the burn.
All you will feel is your body pressed against your own
and your hair tickling my skin
like flames
and your burning fingertips brushing along my body
making me feel alive
and your lips softly brushing against mine
like the leaves of a tree."
He stops and looks up at me,
"but i will stand in the flames and i will hold you
because i am not afraid to be burned,
not if it's by you."
"But what if i burn out? When there is no forest left,
when the flames are gone
when there is no heat
only my cold beating heart."
He smiled and kissed my forehead
"then i will watch you grow new tree's
and if you can't
i will plant seeds
a whole new forest will grow,
and then i will give you a match."

Cut me open and i bleed ink
break my bones and they turn to dust
steal my breath with a quick gun shot to the heart
and my rip cage with break open with flowers
watered from the wound
leave me alone
and bleeding
because its not any different
from the nights i spent in my room
on the floor
clutching a bottle of whiskey
bleeding on the inside
its no different
just this time
you actually cared to notice
because you didn't have to look hard
my white shirt was now red
and my hands shook a little harder than usual.
This isn't any more pain
then feeling alone
and empty
and having to force a smile
at the dinner table
forcing yourself to make conversation
forcing yourself to get up from your bed  
when you hear your mom call dinner.
This pain you just can't describe as well
because although you've felt like every breath hurt
and your chest had a huge gaping hole
and your head screamed like it was splitting open
and your body shook.
But you don't have to describe this pain
because although it feels the same
you trying to breath does hurt because your heart doesn't want to work with a hole there
one you can see
and your head did split open form falling to the ground
and your body is shaking because your cold
so cold.
The pain on the inside would still be worse.
Even without having a bullet finding a place to stay in your chest.
And no one noticed.
But i can't blame them,
because my shirt is still white
and my hands are only shaking from not eating all day
and too many cigarettes
and i have a headache from lack of sleep
or from the lights on this city street i'm walking.
But hey, at least i'm still alive.. right?
For now at least.
Maybe i will walk this dark alley.

You sang me Johnny Cash on the phone
i was on my floor in my room
swooning
you in your's
strumming your guitar
with hands that i fell in love with
with a smooth voice that i can't get out of my head
with a guitar you loved more life
with lips that brushed against my neck.
Ironic that it was called hurt
because that's all i have been feeling
that's all i write about
that's all i have to wake up too
the only thing i feel
though numb still
numb to feeling alive
feeling happy
feeling wanted
feeling at all.
Your voice haunts me at night
i can't push it to the back of my mind anymore
i have been doing that all day
so i slowly get in bed
i strum my fingers on my own guitar
and i sing my heart out
because it's broke into many fragments,
like a unfinished puzzle
like my unfinished poems.
So i choke out the pieces
in pain filled lyrics
streaming from my broken soul
with my soft voice turning hard,
heavy with sadness.
Then after i have to stop and catch my breath
realizing i didn't breathe much throughout the song
because god know's it hurts
it hurts
and it takes so much effort to breathe out
without sighing your name
without crying in pain.
Tonight i sang
tell 4 a.m,
i still feel the same.
I kept trying to sing my heart out the rest of the night.
I sung tell i lost my voice.
Tell i lost myself.
Finally,
tell i lost my heart.

My hips swayed toward you like the tides
your lips tasted like honey
just as smooth
your hands tried to catch me
but i slipped through your fingers like the water
and pulled away
only to return like to the shores of your parting lips with a deep kiss
you placed your hands on my waist
i moved against your body like the waves
glowing like the moon
swaying like the ocean
my heart humming a soft melody
yours beating in beat
trying to hold me like the sea holds my heart
trying to keep me from falling apart
as the waves crash on the rocks
i fall into you
on your sandy shore skin
you breathing in
my salty skin
and my wavy golden hair
your hands finding the curves of my body
smooth at the water
tempting as the sea
we fall asleep
to the breeze of our synced breath
the same crash and fall of of hearts
the same feel of our body's
pressed together
you held me
as best as anyone could hold the sea
and i tried to keep my storm at bay
because i never wanted to leave the boy that braved to swim.

I'll keep smoking because it tastes like your lips
because the way the smoke rolls out of my mouth
just like the way you rolled the words "goodbye"
of your tongue.
Because the smoke twirls through my fingers
they way you did.
Because it leaves my hair smelling like the wind
and smoke
and rain.
And you said you always loved the smell
when we came inside
from a smoke break.
And i would lay my head on your shoulder
and you would twirl the golden strands.
Now i need a smoke break
because my heart aches
with the absence of your hands
with the absence of your smell
with the absence of your comfort.
With the absence of you.
So no i do not smoke to forget,
i smoke to remember.
And the memories are not the only thing that's killing me.
Because my lungs are turning as black as my heart.

If i was a flower i'd grow at night
i would flourish in the rain
and i would sprout on a cloudy day.
I would sway in the breeze
and you would pick off all my petals
to see if he love's you
and i'd hope the whole time that you would land on
"he loves me"
and i would still hope this
even as my petals are being torn off me
and thrown to the ground.
But if i was a flower,
and when winter comes,
sometimes i don't think i could push myself out of the ground.

I find beauty in the wrong things.
But at least i can find beauty in something.
I find it in cigarettes.
In destructiveness.
In boys with fiery lips.
And serpent tongues.
Especially in ***.
But at least i'm having fun,
even if it's in the wrong things.
God i love to sin.

Sleep is not my friend.
Insomnia is.
If you can fall asleep before you see dawn,
let my introduce you to my dear friend.
I swear you'll never be able to shut your eyes again.
Unless it is to relieve the pain
during the day.
Curl up on you bed at lunch time
close the blinds
but insomnia will still be calling
"mine"
"mine"
"don't close your eyes"
"your mine".

Art
they said was in the rose color of her perfect mouth.
In the gold shine in every strand of her hair.
Especially in the aqua watery depth
or her cool blue eyes
begging you in for a swim
tempting.
In the way the color of her skin was a daisy petal white.
In the way her laughter danced to the sound of rain
booming like thunder.
And her touch
oh god her touch
it was like a thousand lightening streaks brushed against your arm
only for her to laugh and have it sound sweeter than the music
my piano hands can make.
And the way she says your name
like she's savoring it,
tasting ever bit of it as it rolls of her tongue.
But you will never forget
they way she looks
curled upon her dark green reading chair
stormy eyes devouring the words
golden streaks falling in her face
lips softly forming the words
savoring the words
soaking up every thing she can
from the book in her hands.
This girl will steal your heart,
before you're even done looking at her.

I was home alone
and i got the call from my best friend
i wouldn't have been able to understand her
unless i knew her as well as i did.
She was sobbing.
I told her "I'm coming".
She didn't live that far away
i grabbed my bike and started going
the whole time with one hand
the other holding the phone
her crying on the other end
i've never heard my best friend cry
not like this.
I reached her house and there was many cars
i ran inside and found her instantly
she was in her parents room
our other best friend there too.
I went to her and asked her what was wrong
and why there was so many people here
she grabbed me and held on for dear life
she cried out
"My dad's dead, i found him."
i looked at her
and i saw the most pain in her eyes
that i have ever saw
in anything
or anyone.
Her cries sounded like she was dying
i knew she felt like it.
She said she went to his house with her sister
she went in first
she found him and dropped to the floor
her sister came in next
i could here her sister crying from the other room
i felt sadness in the house like it was crashing down on my shoulders
Her fragile heart was broke
it was all i could do to hold her together
The three of us sat there and cried
remembering.
To this day i can still see the sadness in her eyes
it closely resembles mine
but i would hold her together as long as i could.
She's one of the strongest people i know.
So i will be strong for her.

At the age of five
she had big blue eyes
and never left her mother side
and loved to see her daddy and mother smile.
At the age of seven
her long blonde hair was all the way down to her hips
she saw her sister with the curly blonde hair at her shoulders
and told her mom she wanted it cut.
Her mom cried when she cut it to her ears.
At the age of ten she entered third grade
with short hair
and a loving smile.
The boy she liked then told her to check yes
or no on a note if she wanted to date him.
She checked yes and spent the whole day smiling.
She was thirteen her hair now past her shoulders
and her eyes covered in makeup
but it still didn't work to keep the boy
that she checked yes for.
At age 15
her hair is now long and her eyes are now dull.
she spends most of her time in her room
staring at herself in the mirror
and picking out every flaw
then covering up what she can
with makeup
she barely goes to school
she hasn't seen her mom and dad smile at each other anymore
and now her mom has way more things to cry about
than cut hair
she has given up on boys
even the one who wrote her poems instead of boxes to check.
Age 16
and she has wrote her last poem
for the boy who never did her any harm
then decided she had one more note to write
but left it unfinished.
Because she couldn't hold on any longer.

I'd give up on myself before i gave up on you.

She smelled like vanilla in the winter.
Smelt like flowers in the spring.
Smelt like nectarines in the summer.
Smelled in the fall like wind.
You knew all this because you loved her through it all.

I thought about burning all my poems about you
but then i realized
my hands would be burned instead.

If convinced my therapist
that i'm fine.
If i can do that,
then why can't i look in your eyes?
I told her that i was fine that you're gone,
so why do i still play that song?
I convinced her that i don't need medicine to be happy
so why do i need alcohol drugs to fall asleep?
If i can convince my therapist,
then why can't i convince myself.

Her hair curled
wiping like the wind.
Her eyes were the night sky
lite up
with the pulse of lightening.
Her heat beat to the thunder.
She danced along the sky line,
cloudy storm eyes crying
for the flowers begging for rain,
for her heart crying out in pain.
You touch her skin
and its as electric
as lightening.
But she fades just as fast.
Leaving you with only the sound of her thunder laugh.
As she fades off into the distance
blowing away with the wind.

They danced along my lips
slowly searching out my hips.
They were cracked to often
from worrying about me in a coffin.
Because they have felt my body
they have touched my soul
and they are clenched into fists
because you know i no longer wish to live.
They are wet on the fingertips
form wiping the tear that slipped
down to my lips.
They reached out to me one last time that night.
Because i took my life as soon as i saw the morning light.
You get the call
and fall to the floor.
And the last thing they touched
was the clutch.
Your car went over the edge
you put them behind your head
and prayed you see me
one last time,
in the end.
I woke up in the hospital
and that is when it was my turn to get the call.
They found me hanging from my bed sheets
behind the locked bathroom door
with a note that said
"i'll see you in the end."

You wore all gray the whole day
you didn't smile once.
You spent half of it sleeping.
The other half weeping.
Then you crawled into bed,
with a heavy heart
and a heavy head.
The days you can't stop thinking about him
are the days you would rather drown
than swim.
Now in bed
feeling empty
i think
"what would i say to you,
if you were lying next to me."
I'd probably say
i have't slept good for days.
And that i want to runaway.
Preferably with you
but you wouldn't come
that i knew.
I would say i'm working on not missing you as much
and it's going as bad as i thought.
I would eventually tell you to leave,
because i know that you will never miss me.

As cold as ice.
I still thought i could warm you.
I was wrong.

She was the girl who would look up from her food at lunch,
just to observe everyone.
And the one who would want to share her writing with the one she liked,
but wouldn't out of fear of them not liking it.
The one you would find sitting alone on her bed
and 4 am
listening to music and staring at the moon.
She's the one who would be reading in the library
hoping someone would spot her and fall in love, just like that.
She's the one who would keep dead roses until they gathered so much dust
you thought they were gray.
Her bed side table had books and coffee or tea cups strung about.
The one would would sleep all day just to stay up
and watch the sunset on her roof, silently smoking a cigarette.
If you think this girl is happy, maybe i should have done a better job at explaining her.

I wrote you a poem today.
It was my fourth about you.
Will i ever stop?
probably not.
I can't kept you alive,
unless it's in my poems.
I fear i might forget the color of your stormy ocean eyes.
Or maybe the way you smiled after you sang to me.
Or maybe the way you smoked your cigarette.
Lord help me if i forgot that way your arm felt displayed along the curve of my body.
Or the way your sweet soft voice whispered my name in the speaker of your phone.
But especially if i forgot the way you made me feel,
like i was flying, alive, whole...
That's why i write poems about you.
And no i don't think i could stop.
It's almost as addicting as you.
Almost.

False happiness.
False hope.
False love.
False smiles.
False words.
False personality.
False truth.
This is what i will tell you next time you ask me why i think nothing ever goes right.

I found out you missed me.
And i suddenly thought,
not as much as i miss you.
i don't know what to do,
whether i should forgive,
or forget you.
Because i know i'll always miss you.
And i know, i'll give you my heart.
I'll give you everything that's left of me.
And i'm afraid
you won't do that same.
So, should i forgive?
Or forget...

She lost herself in books
cigarettes
and music.
Because maybe she didn't want to be found.
She would always give you her all
because she never felt whole.
Her favorite place were the sea and the forest
because she could go there alone,
and let her demons play,
in the open space.
She would write among the tree's
and float among the waves.
All she ever wanted was love.
But she only found,
dying leaves
suffocating waves
lipstick stained cigarette butts
and sad songs that could put her to sleep.
and that's why she wanted to die.

She sits by the waves
and counts the ways
she could taste death's lips.
Partly because she misses you too much.
Death can be such a lovely thought.

I wanted to write your name on my skin
i chose a pen
but ended up carving it in.
Then taking a swig of gin,
tell my head started to spin.
I'll forget you even if it kills me.
It may be when i take a bath
with my head underwater too drunk to take a breath.
Or when i fall asleep on the train tracks,
too high to tell anyone goodbye.
Because that's better
then dying over and over
every time i see you with her.

Losing her mind
in the forest she spends her time.
Navigating along the forest floor,
better than she can breathe.
Because this puts her at ease,
along with the sea breeze.
She has yet to find herself,
but the forest helps.
She stays all night
only afraid of the monster within.
Slowly sipping her gin.
She falls to the forest floor
looking at the stars
wishing she was among them,
so she could be long dead.
You wouldn't believe the thoughts in her head.
In between two tree's in her bed.
She does what she does best
and falls asleep.
In between the tree's showing defeat.
But she can't stop crying in her dreams
so she wakes up to see
the tree's swaying in the breeze
calming her down.
The forest always gives her peace.

Her eyes red
from rubbing them raw.
Your throbbing head
From straining every muscle in your jaw
crying on your bed.
This is worse than death.
When your dead you have no one.
But it's better than feeling this alone.
Everything you said was a lie.
You didn't even say goodbye...
Why can't i stop crying?
I'm so weak
i crave a eternal dreamless sleep.

You fall asleep
in drunk defeat.
You tried to drown your demons fast
but they just laughed.
And watched you smoke your last in the pack
fall onto your back
onto the bed,
they roamed your head.
So you craved a nicotine high
then slowly closer your tired empty eyes.
Forever questioning why
that boy laid his hand upon your side.
Walked in the rain with you outside
telling you pretty lies.
You know they could have said,
he was the worst demon in her head.
Haunting me in bed.
Feeling dead in my dream filled sleep
i turned into a ghost would could breathe.
You i was trying to reach,
i never got what i need
so i tested if i could fly.
Then i finally saw your smile.

You were a ghost inside her
that she couldn't get out.
So she tried to smoke you out
with cigarettes and drugs.
She tried to drown you
in *** and *****.
She tried to swallow you whole
with those little white pills.
She tried to cut you out
with razor blades and kitchen knife's.
The whole time she felt herself slipping away
she felt dead on the inside.
She realized she was killing herself instead.
Because you were only living in her head.

You cigarette lips teased me in the rain
along with your arm holding my frame
and the way you said my name
and they way you sang.
I could have stayed in the rain
underneath the umbrella
with you forever.
In the forest by your house,
we shared our first cigarette.
Our shoes were wet
my eyes begged for a kiss
while staring at your lips.
But my face you never embraced.
I begged for a taste of your sweet cigarette mouth
on your black couch.
I felt you losing interest
as i laid on your chest.
But i won't be left
not again
so i ran.
Tried to forget the longing to hold you hand
the ocean in your eyes i never swam.
For you stay i wouldn't plea
so i forgot how you said you'd never leave.