i can’t stop thinking about your hands
i can’t stop thinking about them
gripping my face
my hips
i can’t stop thinking about your lips
i can’t stop thinking about them
colliding with mine
finding their way on my neck
i can’t stop thinking about your fingers
i can’t stop thinking about them
intertwined with mine
drawing imaginary words across my chest
i can’t stop thinking about your arms
i can’t stop thinking about them
pulling me in while you slept
never being there when i woke up
i don’t love you
i never did
but i can’t stop thinking about you

im sorry i jumped. im sorry i woke up one day and found myself being the lover before you were ready, and capable, of loving me.
im sorry i threw myself in, to drown in what i hoped would be, while all you did was swim.
and i realize now that maybe that's where i went wrong in all my past relationships.
maybe that's where i went wrong with you.
you loved me in june, and more in july, but the seasons have changed, and as fall came so did we. fall, to pieces, a part, and now here we are, scrambling to pick up pieces that no longer fit.
im sorry, but it's not like it ever mattered anyways with you.

my ribs are doing that jerky
breathing thing again
and im not sure if it's the smell of
your perfume that's suffocating me,
or the replay of memories that are
still creeping into my brain
whispering in my ear "remember.."
pulling on each string of my heart
ripping and tearing it apart

the memories i spend over 15
hours a day trying to shove into the back of my head and forget,
i stupidly keep writing about

today especially, i rolled over wishing you were here.

sext : *let me write a poem
on the insides of your thighs..
with my tongue

we promised that when we left this
town we would be leaving together.
i should have known forever meant never.

even if i could wish you away,
along with all the memories,
i dont think i would..

have i seen her since?
i haven't
although i see her everywhere i turn
everywhere i go
and in everything i do

yes i miss her and it hurts like hell
but i have to let my body feel this

i broke my own heart
and i haven't recovered since.

i have watched the sun rise and set
in ten different states, and still, i have
found that none are as beautiful as you.

ive smashed
every
single
******* mirror
in this house
because
*im so tired of seeing you
when i look at me

now and days, all that spews from your mouth is rehearsed lies and empty promises. i'm not blaming you, because i was the one who chose to believe you. although my heart hoped the best in you, i know you are human and people make mistakes.

mistakes are meant to be made and learned from, but for some reason you keep repeating yours. i suppose you didn't get the message the first time and that's okay, because some people learn slower than others.

but each day that  i see her i want to disappear into the walls. i want to smash every mirror because my reflection isn't her, and that's what you want, right? her.

you beg for my forgiveness like a peasant for it's life. i still do hope for the best in you, and i know the third times a charm, but i don't care to find out.

i wore my best dress tonight, did my makeup how you like it, and even wore those purple ******* you love. but still, you never showed. and the saddest part is, ill try again tomorrow.

11:16 PM
each time i attempt to sleep, each time
i try to push and shove the thought of you out of my head, i fail. miserably.
1:27 AM
every moment spent with you engulfs my brain. every smile, every laugh we shared, the time you first asked if you could kiss me. an ocean full of memories i'm drowning in.
2:01 AM
i realize my days and nights have lingered on for weeks now and still you aren't here, nor anywhere near. still you are away. still you are there. while i remain here, in this bed, hopelessly missing you. hoping wherever you are, that you are hopelessly missing me too.
2:33 AM
i realize you'll never be here.. ever.
2:47 AM
my bed feels so empty and i can't stop tracing over the place where your body once filled the empty space. keeping the other half of my sheets warm.
3:13 AM
you've managed to make it through another night of running through my head. i keep scratching down things that will allow you to escape my brain and rest on my pages, but i stopped, because i got jealous of the pages, and wanted you to rest in my arms.
6:39 AM
the sun is starting to peek through my blinds. his eyes now opening, waking up to kiss the horizon good morning. i prepare to close mine, forcing myself to sleep, and imagine kissing yours goodnight.

"the ones you love,
you hurt the most"
as if it's okay, because you're doing it out of love, right? it's okay to break them down, piece by piece until all that's left is broken fragments of the girl who once was, because it's out of love, right?

"the ones we love, we hurt"*
but you took "hurt" to the exact definition. and you gave no mercy.
i always thought the ones you love you don't dare ponder on harming, because they are everything delicate and everything you spend so much time building up.

so what is it you felt for me?

your hands bruised my body and the scars have made their home on my skin. still your words remain engraved into my brain, always reminding me i will never, nor was i ever, enough for you. and each night your kisses goodbye apologized for you and i was reminded *"i didn't mean it" more
than you ever reminded me you "loved" me.
i realize now that the monster you transformed into over our two years, was always there from our first "hello."
and there it will always stay.
*i just hope something in her
doesn't make you want to hurt her
out of "love," too.

for so long i have been so depressed about this, and insisted on tucking it away for the rest of my life. and as life has gone on, as it always does and will, i realize now that i could never be happy denying a part of me that i cannot change. and how you reacted when i told you, i can't say i didn't expect. i was more prepared for it this time than the first time, though every time it still hurts just the same, some days more than others. you may think i stayed up all night trying to string together the perfect words, but i didn't. i've stayed up days, weeks, months, trying my hardest to figure out the right thing to say. i have been battling with this for some time now, questioning weather or not it is real, if what im feeling is real. i know, this is like throwing myself out into the ocean with no life saver, and i can either hit or miss this right on the dot. i'm young, so young, and at times can't even decide what i want to eat or wear, but what i do know is that as the days pass i am growing up and learning to figure out what i want in my life, who i want in my life, and where my heart is.
im standing between roads, some made up of all the things ill never be, some made up of all the things i never said, and others paved for me that i never took, and the only thing that's kept me from walking forward, to the road im on now, is what follows after i make this first step. you always taught me to follow my heart, and ive come to realize that this is my road. this is where my journey begins and the rest is still not known, but im prepared. ive made my mind up that this is where im going, this is who i am. and yes i will admit it's scary and it's full of a lot of pain and loneliness and dark moments but what journey isn't. (ive learned that from you.)
ever since i was little i tried to be the picture perfect girl, ever since i was little i was the picture perfect girl, and after the picture was taken and hung on the wall for everyone else i stared back at it and frowned. i am an athlete, i am an excelling student, i am am a sister, an aunt, a daughter, i am ci to some, caroline to others, i am these things. i am not "you like girls," i am not "you like boys," because those things don't define me, because i am not a label, and refuse to be one, not to the world, to my family, the people around me, not anyone. im not asking you for acceptance, but im asking you for understanding. and i know you don't understand either how "i could be this way" but if i can help you understand anything, it's that for once, finally, i am happy.
and i hope that you can understand that this isn’t a phase, and see that i am coming to you now after years of questioning. this wasn't something that i just woke up one morning and decided to feel and claim in my heart. this has took so much of me to think over and make sure i knew what exactly was happening. i don't want you to think that im not the same person after i tell you this. i still have goals of going to college and working hard, and dreams of someday having my own family. i still have self respect and morals you taught me. i just want you to love me. this part of me doesn't have to be discussed at family gatherings or anywhere for that matter, but i wont be ashamed of it anymore. i can say that my heart doesn't limit who or how i love, and for years i couldn’t even admit this conclusion to myself. i always thought that the feelings would eventually go away if i ignored them long enough. i thought that after i met the right guy i could be normal, be all you wanted for myself. but i cant keep faking it, because if i do, i dont know if ill ever make it. i know she has messed up, and i know she has crossed lines at times, and if i sat here i could list a million of her faults, but she's human, she messed up and will again but she is gentle and her intentions are good, and for that i love her. i wouldnt ever say she is perfect, but if we are pointing fingers, what about my mistakes? what about the people around you? your own? i have come to realize that if i hold onto the past i hold on to weight that is just that, weight. it doesnt get me anywhere but back and you've always taught me to be an arrow, always going forward. when it comes to love its not about it being a girl or a guy, its about a person being a person and loving me and treating me how for so long i have waited on. everything about me will be the same after this. the only thing that will change from after you reading this is your knowledge of me. i want you to believe you didn't raise me the wrong way, i wouldn't change how you did raise me, and you shouldn't think there is a thing you would, should, or could change. the only thing im begging is support for all that i am and all im not. you've been by my side for all my years and you deserve to know this part of me, too. no more hiding. i love you with all of my heart, and i hope that one day you'll accept me for who i am.

there's some people you can't live without, i get it. some people you can't stand not figuring out what it is about them that makes them who they are. people you sometimes just have to be a part of their life, to say you were, even if it's only for a short period of time. but, i wish to you she wouldn't have been one of those people.

"when nothing is going right, go left."**
and then what?

i don’t know why i think of you
like a lot
but you’re one of my favorite things
that i catch myself thinking of
when i’m not paying attention in class

ive never felt so empty
than i did next to you
i waited on you
to wrap me into your arms
but instead you fell asleep
i feel like someone
who had ***
on the first date
disgusting
and lonely

one day i'll find the courage to walk away, and on that day i'll promise to never look back

i wonder what you think of
when you hear my name

yeah we both ****** up
but my God ive never been so in love

i hate the winter
so why the ****
do i keep begging the cold to stay
and looking for arms to keep me warm

i feel empty a lot
but even more when you kiss me
because you aren't mine
and i never meant
to let you in my bed
but here we are
every ******* **** night
skin to skin
lips
fingers
heart
full of regret

i'm tired of pretending
love will solve all of my problems

ill leave the door unlocked after you leave
in case you decide to come back

i have nothing beautiful to write
i have no elegant way of saying
i just want to be in your arms

here i am- all in, all yours


and then there's you...

i have no idea why i continue to torture myself with the thoughts of you touching someone else. i think about it
over
and over
and over
and o
              v  
                     e
                           r
again
i don’t know why i choose to think of the best parts of you, the best parts of us, when you asked where the knife was and i told you the kitchen. (not thinking you’d use it on me)

i feel like i’m losing grip of things. of myself. and over and over i choose to think of these things that hurt me most.

no beautiful words for me today
i’m just sad

sometimes you’re all that consumes my thoughts. so much that i can’t help but to write about you. some days a sentence, others a paragraph, but on the hard days i can construct a short story. “The Story of You and I: A Tragedy”  then afterwards delete it. just to get it out there, to let my feelings feel valid and heard, even if only by myself.

other times i write you a letter telling you how much i miss you, how i wonder if your mom is doing okay, or if you still think of me when our song comes on. i end it with a, “p.s. do you  still smile when you see the color yellow?”
then i stick it in the mail, stamp it but leave it addressed to no one, sent from no one.

when it’s too much i sometimes call your old number to listen to your stupid, cheesy
voicemail we made together. i never even make it past our voices intertwined with laughs followed by, ”hey this is..."

but when i completely stop fighting the thoughts of you, i drive to the place where you first kissed me, and let the song play that you left me listening to when you told me i would never be it for you.

i sit and let myself hurt, let myself scream into the air that you never deserved me.
i pretend you can hear me. i even pretend you actually care.

and then i drive home.

i wish you were still just my best friend.
that i didn't feel so obligated to tell you only the things going on in my head that you want to hear, like how my day was or how much i love you. (even though those things matter too)
because sometimes i want to tell you the things i only scream when i'm alone, the things that keep me up at night and make me cry in my car in an empty parking lot.
those things matter too, and sometimes i wish you were still just my best friend.

i want to kiss someone again
not because i’m hurting
but to remind myself
i can still be okay
i can still feel
i can still fall in love again
even if it isn’t with you

i used to want you to notice me
i used to let you hurt me
if that meant i got to fall asleep in your arms
i used to want you to love me
i used to let you pick me apart
if that meant you’d stay one more night
but tonight when you called i didn’t answer
in fact i blocked your number
and i think that’s a start

i tried to wake you up. to hold me since it hurts. i’m not mad you didn’t wake up, i just wish you had. to tell me the reasons i don’t have to go and the reasons i should stay. i’m so tired of feeling this way and wondering when we will be better. time. that’s what heals and that’s what breaks. but i think it’s doing both for us. my mind is going crazy with thoughts of running away. i wish you wanted to too. from each other. maybe you could work the job you want. the night and weekend one. maybe you could meet with your classmate and not worry about me. maybe you could make new friends and do things without me. maybe. just maybe. i’m left here alone. to wonder if things will ever get better or if my forever looks like sleeping alone. i know you’re tired but i wish you’d wake up, because nights like this are getting really tough. i miss being happy. i miss feeling like this is it. lately all i wonder is is this it? silent car rides and sleepless nights. six months of waiting just to do this every night. for the rest of our lives. i think we could be happy even if it meant not with each other. i know that living this way isn’t how it’s meant to be and i know it’s always been, since we were so young, just you and just me. but i always make you mad and you can never do anything right. right? we have good days but they’re mostly when we are apart. so it’s hard to not feel like maybe we should be apart. i love you with all of me and i just wish you’d wake up... i wish you’d wake up and tell me it’s going to be okay. but when you wake up it’ll be a new day and there’s no time to slow down for yesterday, today. i wish you’d wake up.

Whenever things get this way I always wonder if this could be my life forever. Sometimes when things get this way I wish I would’ve left long ago. Sometimes I wish I would’ve never looked back. But I did and this my life now. When I signed the contract of her and I, I agreed for silent car rides when things get tough. My friend tells me it’s just a bad day, that it won’t always be this way, but how many bad days do you have to have before they’re good. How many bad days, weeks, months, do you have to get past before you can start believing that you’re capable of having good days. Together. I remember every day with her used to be the best. Used to be. It’s not that way anymore. If we are being honest, I don’t remember a day where I didn’t find myself sad at the end of it. Sad and wishing my life was a different way. I love her after ***. She loves me more. They say the chemicals released when you have *** with someone is what attaches the soul. I believe that. Because I’ve asked her to have kids with me before. Sometimes my best days are not with her. I enjoy those days. Away. A w a y. I enjoy the days when from morning to night time I have no one to fight against but myself. I miss the days of myself and I. I miss the days when I didn’t think twice about her. I miss the days when I didn’t wonder what she was up to. I won’t share this with anyone, because to everyone we are happy. Maybe even to her. But it’s hard to always pretend, even to her. But sometimes I hurt too. I hurt remembering the times she hurt me and I wonder. Why do I. Settle. Accept. Disregard. Allow. I wonder. I don’t question it but I wonder. I’m afraid if I question it I’ll realize I have no one to blame but me. I don’t. I do. She said we are all toxic and I believe that. Because she can be. Is. I remember girl who won’t be named told her I was. Maybe I was. Am. I know I can be good. I have been before. To her. To others. To myself. I miss myself. I miss who I was before she came in. I miss myself now that’s she’s here. Six more months. Until what? This every day. Because it’s just a bad day but what if this is it? Some days I think it will be this way forever. Some days I think we will always secretly hate one another. Because I’ve slept with someone else and she’s spent more late nights with girl who won’t be named than she can stand to spend with me. I wish she felt it too. The urge to run away. To leave. I used to think she was my better half. Used to. I miss being happy. I miss feeling okay. I miss loving myself. I miss feeling wanted. Broken. Confused. No mirrors. Big *******. The hard stuff isn’t inaccessible because I live it every day. My life is the hard stuff when it comes to her and I. I wish she knew that sometimes. For better or worse but are you okay with most days being the worst? Can you handle that. Forever. Silent car rides for the rest of your life. I do.

take me back to the day I laid eyes on you.
so I can ask you your name and tell you I'm in love with you.
and maybe it sounds crazy but I'm going to marry you.
take me back to the first time we skipped out on class together.
so you can hold my hand longer and not leave me this time.
and ill tell you that I know it's still so soon, but I want to hold your hand for forever, through whatever, always.
take me back to the day you crawled into bed with me and held me after I had fallen asleep.
so I can wake up in the middle of the night and tell you everything I'm too afraid to tell you in the daylight.
and ill admit that I think of you every day and strangely want to see your feet bare.. and.. your body.
take me back to the night we tried to have *** but you couldn't stop thinking of her.
so I can tell you it's okay if you aren't ready, because neither am I.
and if you want to just lay here, just exist together, ill tell you that's okay too. more than okay.
take me back to the day I held your head in my lap and we talked about everything that scared us.
so I can tell you not being with you scares me the most, and my heart never settles.
and I won't admit it but ill tell you with my eyes that I want you to keep me.
take me back to the moment we touched other people and for only a second, no longer, forgot each others name.
so I can run away from his lips, and into your arms.
and maybe then your fingers won't find her cheek, and she won't realize your eyes are the darkest brown, but your touch can melt anyone like honey.
take me back to the day we promised forever.
so we can walk away.
and maybe then it'll save us the pain
of you and I.

i'm only jealous (i think) because your hands turn me on while you're holding my steering wheel.... and when you went on a drive with her, she got to stare at them too.

i wonder if she sees me in your eyes every time you look at her. i hope she does. i wonder if she can feel me every time you touch her. i hope she does. i wonder if you glance over at her when she's not looking, her there in your passenger seat, and see all the times we drove til we got lost, and promised each other we'd never let go. i hope you do. i hope you see me.