i haven't deleted our pictures yet, and really i don't know if it's because i cant, or because im still stuck on us. and sometimes when i give up on fighting, i admit i wasn't ready. because we both know it wasn't supposed to end this way.

im not sure where my heart is anymore, but something in me knows it's wherever you are

you're always so busy. me even busier. seeing you for five, even ten minutes, throughout the day is the only thing ever keeping me going anymore. you being graduated, and me being a year short, makes school somedays unbearable. because i stare at couples and miss holding your hand down the halls too, and the look you used to give me when i beat you to your class to be there when you got out. so when someone asks "why so much? today, yesterday, the day before?..don't you get tired?" that's when i wish their feet could fit in my shoes so they could walk around in them a while. to see and feel all the things i do, to understand the magnitude of your affection. i feel this obligation to explain that i need you. like an addict needs drugs, i need you. like plants need rain, i need you. and of course it's not always beautiful, you and i, but that's what makes it beautiful. that's what makes it worth it.

i can't stop thinking about you
and when i sleep
all i do is dream about you

i guess
(i know)
i miss you

and now i realize alot of me
depends on a little you

i want to feel your body against mine, run my fingers through the thickness of your hair, feel you strain to keep quiet, grab the sheets, curl your toes, and release your body. permitting full control to be taken. i want to intertwine my fingers with yours, feel you tremble and shake, while your lips find their way to my neck. i want to hear your heartbeat speed up, your breathing become uncontrollable. inhale, exhale, repeat. i want to watch your eyes roll back and see your back arch while sweet sounds of pleasure tell me to keep going. i want to do more than just touch your body...
i want to leave my mark on your soul, and sin with you in the most beautiful way.

i always knew it would be you who i gave myself to, but i never thought i'd let you **** me on your bathroom sink. and when you did, i left my heart there. in between your bed sheets, too. i always wanted fireworks to go off when we kissed, but i only felt the burn.

i crave so badly to sleep with you. and i mean that in the most innocent way. i want to sleep with you, but not in the sense that our bodies are naked and we make love in the mess of my sheets. i want to sleep with you and and learn the pattern of your heartbeat, the rise and fall in your chest when you breathe, how you move in the late hours of the night when you dream.
i want to sleep with you and roll over to find your body beside mine, if at 3 AM i wake from the habit of missing you. i want to sleep with you and i mean that *in the most innocent way.

i don't need promises or to discuss the idea of forever, maybe someday, but not now. and if you need honesty, yes, i have always been terrified of love. although, for the first time i find myself wanting now, this moment, my right hand in your left. i want our love in the rawest form, our hearts on the line, even with the knowledge that this could save me or completely drown me. i want you to hold me as if letting go would shatter every fiber of my being. i want to know what makes you whole when you feel empty, all the secrets you keep tucked away under your skin, and why you keep them there. i want to hear the stories of every scar that covers your body, if you cried when you got them. i want to hold your hand when 4AM comes and you've had another nightmare about your father. i want persuasive kisses (god it works each time) and morning breath whispers of "five more minutes" when i wake up to the sound of my alarm to leave. my love, my eyes have grown tired of searching and would not mind being set on you. (is that like saying forever?) for the first time, i am letting down my barriers that separate us, *i want to fall and be caught.

how is it
that in a crowded room
i still
feel alone

i hope someday i can love you enough that you forget the names of all the girls before me

i dont hate you- i just hate that you made me hate her, and im starting to feel like i will never be happy. i cant blame you for what you did, but i can be upset, right? im allowed to look at her and not want to touch you, right? nothing really makes sense when i feel this way, and i wish i could scream until it no longer burned in my chest to hear her name, to think of you in bed with her. anyways, im getting better, so please stop treating me like im broken.

you don't know me. i mean you do, but you don't really know me. and i'm sorry i push you away and yell when you don't understand, because lately i'm just too tired to explain.

you're holding my hand as we go 90 mph in the pouring rain, and i could care less about anything else right now, i could care less if we even make it or not.

nobody tells you how hard love is,
they just tell you "it's worth it,"
and that it's "so beautiful."
but nobody tells you how much
it can also all hurt.
because why would you want to know
the truth about love is
how it's not all that beautiful
sleeping next to the person you love,
just to feel miles apart.

"if you didn't care, you
wouldn't say what you say,
do what you do, write what you
write. so see, you care. you need
me. tell me im wrong..
i dare you"*

i guess that's what frightens me
the most.
how much i really *do need you.

and i hate how quickly you figured me out. how easily you crawled up and broke down every wall i built up. brick by brick. as if they were never cemented together in the first place.

i fight myself to hate you but i am finding it more and more impossible.
(kissing your lips was always easier than pushing you away)

funny thing is, i don't hate you.
not even the slightest bit.
because i am madly in
love with you. and i gave up
the fight long ago.
you win.

ive come to realize there just isn't enough hours in the day for me to stare at you, and i wish there was, because my god you're beautiful

it's so late i've lost track of the time
and by this point, i don't care.
i don't care what time i'm supposed to be awake, and i don't care that i won't get sleep anyways.

some days i wonder where we went wrong, where we took the wrong turn, and then i remember i never was any good at reading maps, and you don't follow directions well.

i feel like my chest is going to cave in

why am i so afraid
why am i so afraid
why am i so ******* afraid

every time i go to sleep and wake up
it's a brand new day
a day closer to the next
of leaving everything i know behind
and starting back over

I dream of you
I dream of rolling over into your warmth before the sun rises
biting on your lip while I pull at the collar of your shirt

I dream of a little girl
I dream of braiding her hair every day to "be like mommy"
watching her grow and carry my strength
but mostly your tenderness

I dream of bus 17
I dream of the first moment my eyes met yours
I dream of our forever

I dream of being the perfect version of me
I dream of my wandering heart settling into yours
I dream of us
I dream of you

lately, death is always on mind
and not in the sense
that i think about killing myself
or have lost anyone
but since you've been gone
you might as well have left
with the others
whose time has ran out
because it feels like you left
to rest forever  
and a piece of me went with you
and i'm so tired of this longing
this sadness
missing you
when you aren't dead
only missing from me

please stop telling me you love me
and want me to meet your mother
because I only slept with you because I missed my lover
because I miss the one who my heart belongs to
so please stop texting me at midnight
and pulling for my hand

i want to write things for you as
beautifully as the songs that remind me
of the first time you kissed my lips, or
made love to me three summers ago.

ever since you left, it all feels different.
the stars are just stars. the wind just wind.
along with the moon, and sunsets, the ripples in the water, and everything in between.
without you everything is just as it was before and i don't feel like writing about them anymore.

do i really want to sleep with him
or do i really just ******* miss you

how do i tell the person in my bed
i'm in love with someone else?

"just friends"
harmless. innocent. right?
although the voice inside
my head whispers and
persuades me otherwise.
              because i also never forget how
              we once were "just friends"
and i also know "just friends"
seems to run deeper with someone
you've once called a lover.
                
             please know, im sorry :
understand that it's difficult to see
past the past of you two, and trust
the future you present and promise
to me everyday, when your actions
don't comfort me as much as your words seem to.

all it took
was for you to look at me
to remind me of all the reasons
why i fell in love