someday,
i'll wake up and be glad i did.

i don't want an apology
i don't need a half hearted smile
because you feel obligated
i don't want your pity
i don't need you to feel sorry for me
because believe it or not
being hurt isn't new to me
i just want a "thank you"
that's all
for loving you
when you least deserved it

take me back to the day I laid eyes on you.
so I can ask you your name and tell you I'm in love with you.
and maybe it sounds crazy but I'm going to marry you.
take me back to the first time we skipped out on class together.
so you can hold my hand longer and not leave me this time.
and ill tell you that I know it's still so soon, but I want to hold your hand for forever, through whatever, always.
take me back to the day you crawled into bed with me and held me after I had fallen asleep.
so I can wake up in the middle of the night and tell you everything I'm too afraid to tell you in the daylight.
and ill admit that I think of you every day and strangely want to see your feet bare.. and.. your body.
take me back to the night we tried to have *** but you couldn't stop thinking of her.
so I can tell you it's okay if you aren't ready, because neither am I.
and if you want to just lay here, just exist together, ill tell you that's okay too. more than okay.
take me back to the day I held your head in my lap and we talked about everything that scared us.
so I can tell you not being with you scares me the most, and my heart never settles.
and I won't admit it but ill tell you with my eyes that I want you to keep me.
take me back to the moment we touched other people and for only a second, no longer, forgot each others name.
so I can run away from his lips, and into your arms.
and maybe then your fingers won't find her cheek, and she won't realize your eyes are the darkest brown, but your touch can melt anyone like honey.
take me back to the day we promised forever.
so we can walk away.
and maybe then it'll save us the pain
of you and I.

i never understood what it felt
like to be at home, until you held
me in your arms. and my love,
*i am homesick.

my mother keeps telling me
i need to go to bed earlier,
i need to get more sleep,
i have bags under my eyes,
but she doesn't understand that
im not tired, im just in love.

ive smashed
every
single
******* mirror
in this house
because
*im so tired of seeing you
when i look at me

i can keep myself together,
really well,
until i'm asked if i'm okay.
and please believe me when i say:
i don't mean to be destructive,
i don't mean to be weak and let my
mascara run while i fall apart,
i don't mean to scream at you to stop
when you stretch your arms out
to comfort me and to kiss me,
but i've been avoiding asking myself
that question, because i know
i'm not okay.
im just here in hopes that everything will sort've come together,
even if it does just keep getting worse.

when i hear your delicate words,
and read the ones you've
also constructed on paper,
i want to smash them to bits,
because i know then i will find
the truth inside the broken pieces

11:16 PM
each time i attempt to sleep, each time
i try to push and shove the thought of you out of my head, i fail. miserably.
1:27 AM
every moment spent with you engulfs my brain. every smile, every laugh we shared, the time you first asked if you could kiss me. an ocean full of memories i'm drowning in.
2:01 AM
i realize my days and nights have lingered on for weeks now and still you aren't here, nor anywhere near. still you are away. still you are there. while i remain here, in this bed, hopelessly missing you. hoping wherever you are, that you are hopelessly missing me too.
2:33 AM
i realize you'll never be here.. ever.
2:47 AM
my bed feels so empty and i can't stop tracing over the place where your body once filled the empty space. keeping the other half of my sheets warm.
3:13 AM
you've managed to make it through another night of running through my head. i keep scratching down things that will allow you to escape my brain and rest on my pages, but i stopped, because i got jealous of the pages, and wanted you to rest in my arms.
6:39 AM
the sun is starting to peek through my blinds. his eyes now opening, waking up to kiss the horizon good morning. i prepare to close mine, forcing myself to sleep, and imagine kissing yours goodnight.

im glad our eyes are the same color,
because if not, id probably want hers.

im sorry to my mom that has to deal with the burden of having not just one gay daughter, but two. for being the daughter she hoped to be able to walk down the aisle to her husband. but to the world i am tired. tired of trying to prove that my ****** orientation has no definetion of me as a person. im sorry to my dad that sometimes doesn't know how to ask me how things are in my life. because having a gay daughter is a touchy situation. but to the church i am tired. tired of defending myself as a human, and if i go to hell for being myself, so be it. to myself, i am not sorry. i am not sorry for not limiting myself when it comes to falling in love. because to my heart, this feels right. my ****** orientation is not a reflection of my parents raising or due to having a bad childhood. what a scary thing to admit that i like girls. what a ****** thing. im not sorry, this is who i am.

ever since you left, it all feels different.
the stars are just stars. the wind just wind.
along with the moon, and sunsets, the ripples in the water, and everything in between.
without you everything is just as it was before and i don't feel like writing about them anymore.

i saw a girl who looked lifeless
painted behind bars,
i've never met the artist,
but i wonder how they knew to paint me

i don’t know why i think of you
like a lot
but you’re one of my favorite things
that i catch myself thinking of
when i’m not paying attention in class

i hope someday i can love you enough that you forget the names of all the girls before me

"the ones you love,
you hurt the most"
as if it's okay, because you're doing it out of love, right? it's okay to break them down, piece by piece until all that's left is broken fragments of the girl who once was, because it's out of love, right?

"the ones we love, we hurt"*
but you took "hurt" to the exact definition. and you gave no mercy.
i always thought the ones you love you don't dare ponder on harming, because they are everything delicate and everything you spend so much time building up.

so what is it you felt for me?

your hands bruised my body and the scars have made their home on my skin. still your words remain engraved into my brain, always reminding me i will never, nor was i ever, enough for you. and each night your kisses goodbye apologized for you and i was reminded *"i didn't mean it" more
than you ever reminded me you "loved" me.
i realize now that the monster you transformed into over our two years, was always there from our first "hello."
and there it will always stay.
*i just hope something in her
doesn't make you want to hurt her
out of "love," too.

it's so late i've lost track of the time
and by this point, i don't care.
i don't care what time i'm supposed to be awake, and i don't care that i won't get sleep anyways.

some days i wonder where we went wrong, where we took the wrong turn, and then i remember i never was any good at reading maps, and you don't follow directions well.

i didnt sleep in today, but still, in everything i did it was inevitable to think about you. i looked in the mirror and saw all the times you wrapped around me from behind, telling me you've never seen anyone like me. i put on my makeup and thought of all the times you asked why i wear it, always finishing with, "you dont need it anyways." i put on a tshirt, my socks, simple things with no significance, and still, i thought of you.

i crave so badly to sleep with you. and i mean that in the most innocent way. i want to sleep with you, but not in the sense that our bodies are naked and we make love in the mess of my sheets. i want to sleep with you and and learn the pattern of your heartbeat, the rise and fall in your chest when you breathe, how you move in the late hours of the night when you dream.
i want to sleep with you and roll over to find your body beside mine, if at 3 AM i wake from the habit of missing you. i want to sleep with you and i mean that *in the most innocent way.

i have nothing beautiful to write
i have no elegant way of saying
i just want to be in your arms

i don't know what the hell
is wrong with me
it's been months since ive taken a pill
or consumed enough alcohol
to make myself sick
and yet here i am wishing for both

i wonder what you think of
when you hear my name

sext : *let me write a poem
on the insides of your thighs..
with my tongue

there comes a point in time when they are no longer your lover, no more than a friend, and it doesn't hit you until you begin to tell them how you forgot again to turn the lights off before bed, or that you saw their mother at the store, and it's then that you realize it's better to bite your tongue and keep moving on.

at least i know
you are finally happy

i can stop thinking about you now

maybe by the morning
i will think of you one more time

and hopefully by the morning
ill forget

for the first time tonight, i danced..
i dont mean like i usually do every monday-sunday, i mean like i do when you sit on my bed and watch me, music loud enough that the neighbors could hear, and our eyes on each other.
for the first time tonight, i felt..
fifteen people in the room and all i could think of was you. i felt the music, like you used to tell me. i imagined you, like i always seem to do before i perform. and ill admit, i cried, because my body knows, my heart knows, you are supposed to be here.
for the first time tonight, i accepted..
things are different now, but i hope you are still happy. things are different now, but i still love you just as much, if not more.

my ribs are doing that jerky
breathing thing again
and im not sure if it's the smell of
your perfume that's suffocating me,
or the replay of memories that are
still creeping into my brain
whispering in my ear "remember.."
pulling on each string of my heart
ripping and tearing it apart

the memories i spend over 15
hours a day trying to shove into the back of my head and forget,
i stupidly keep writing about

no beautiful words for me today
i’m just sad

love burns the fire in your chest
while burning your insides to ash,
though this is the best part. (i think)