then it just stopped. the movement, the loudness of her world, silenced. her finger tips quit brushing my skin and her breaths became softer each time. longer than the one before. she grew still. and while i laid there, chest pressed against hers, i realized i had found the one thing ive searched for all my life; home.

lately, death is always on mind
and not in the sense
that i think about killing myself
or have lost anyone
but since you've been gone
you might as well have left
with the others
whose time has ran out
because it feels like you left
to rest forever  
and a piece of me went with you
and i'm so tired of this longing
this sadness
missing you
when you aren't dead
only missing from me

have i seen her since?
i haven't
although i see her everywhere i turn
everywhere i go
and in everything i do

yes i miss her and it hurts like hell
but i have to let my body feel this

i always knew it would be you who i gave myself to, but i never thought i'd let you **** me on your bathroom sink. and when you did, i left my heart there. in between your bed sheets, too. i always wanted fireworks to go off when we kissed, but i only felt the burn.

for so long i have been so depressed about this, and insisted on tucking it away for the rest of my life. and as life has gone on, as it always does and will, i realize now that i could never be happy denying a part of me that i cannot change. and how you reacted when i told you, i can't say i didn't expect. i was more prepared for it this time than the first time, though every time it still hurts just the same, some days more than others. you may think i stayed up all night trying to string together the perfect words, but i didn't. i've stayed up days, weeks, months, trying my hardest to figure out the right thing to say. i have been battling with this for some time now, questioning weather or not it is real, if what im feeling is real. i know, this is like throwing myself out into the ocean with no life saver, and i can either hit or miss this right on the dot. i'm young, so young, and at times can't even decide what i want to eat or wear, but what i do know is that as the days pass i am growing up and learning to figure out what i want in my life, who i want in my life, and where my heart is.
im standing between roads, some made up of all the things ill never be, some made up of all the things i never said, and others paved for me that i never took, and the only thing that's kept me from walking forward, to the road im on now, is what follows after i make this first step. you always taught me to follow my heart, and ive come to realize that this is my road. this is where my journey begins and the rest is still not known, but im prepared. ive made my mind up that this is where im going, this is who i am. and yes i will admit it's scary and it's full of a lot of pain and loneliness and dark moments but what journey isn't. (ive learned that from you.)
ever since i was little i tried to be the picture perfect girl, ever since i was little i was the picture perfect girl, and after the picture was taken and hung on the wall for everyone else i stared back at it and frowned. i am an athlete, i am an excelling student, i am am a sister, an aunt, a daughter, i am ci to some, caroline to others, i am these things. i am not "you like girls," i am not "you like boys," because those things don't define me, because i am not a label, and refuse to be one, not to the world, to my family, the people around me, not anyone. im not asking you for acceptance, but im asking you for understanding. and i know you don't understand either how "i could be this way" but if i can help you understand anything, it's that for once, finally, i am happy.
and i hope that you can understand that this isn’t a phase, and see that i am coming to you now after years of questioning. this wasn't something that i just woke up one morning and decided to feel and claim in my heart. this has took so much of me to think over and make sure i knew what exactly was happening. i don't want you to think that im not the same person after i tell you this. i still have goals of going to college and working hard, and dreams of someday having my own family. i still have self respect and morals you taught me. i just want you to love me. this part of me doesn't have to be discussed at family gatherings or anywhere for that matter, but i wont be ashamed of it anymore. i can say that my heart doesn't limit who or how i love, and for years i couldn’t even admit this conclusion to myself. i always thought that the feelings would eventually go away if i ignored them long enough. i thought that after i met the right guy i could be normal, be all you wanted for myself. but i cant keep faking it, because if i do, i dont know if ill ever make it. i know she has messed up, and i know she has crossed lines at times, and if i sat here i could list a million of her faults, but she's human, she messed up and will again but she is gentle and her intentions are good, and for that i love her. i wouldnt ever say she is perfect, but if we are pointing fingers, what about my mistakes? what about the people around you? your own? i have come to realize that if i hold onto the past i hold on to weight that is just that, weight. it doesnt get me anywhere but back and you've always taught me to be an arrow, always going forward. when it comes to love its not about it being a girl or a guy, its about a person being a person and loving me and treating me how for so long i have waited on. everything about me will be the same after this. the only thing that will change from after you reading this is your knowledge of me. i want you to believe you didn't raise me the wrong way, i wouldn't change how you did raise me, and you shouldn't think there is a thing you would, should, or could change. the only thing im begging is support for all that i am and all im not. you've been by my side for all my years and you deserve to know this part of me, too. no more hiding. i love you with all of my heart, and i hope that one day you'll accept me for who i am.

why do i have to know what i want, who i want, where i want to be? because at this moment, in this exact moment, all i want is to be free, even if it's not a minute more or less. i just want to rid my head of all the thoughts of you and all the thoughts of him and all the thoughts of her and run til my lungs give out, until they cave in. because right now i'm a mess, a ******* wreck. because right now my back is tired of carrying the weight of this world. because right now, in this exact moment, i wish i could run and never look back.

im sorry im "one of those girls" who feels more confident and comfortable in all her makeup. im sorry i can't always tell you what's on my mind, and most of the time i wont, and have a problem with fulling being all in. trust has never came easy for me, and people have always let me down, so im sorry somedays ill be distant and have no explanation as to why. im sorry i fall asleep during long car rides, and sometimes sing too loud when you are having a bad day and just want silence. im sorry i worry about absolutely everything and sometimes, a lot of times, make a problem out of nothing just because my anxiety is that bad. im sorry when we go around your family or friends i look down or stay on my phone, because im not good with people like you are with everyone. im sorry that when im tired, or hungry, or have had a bad day, i take it out on you. im sorry im so stubborn and hard to get through sometimes, and rarely listen when i need to the most. im sorry i get jealous of your girl friends, or of any girl really, because our time apart showed me that im not the only girl in the world who is ever going to love you, and my biggest fear is losing you too soon, or at all. im sorry im apologizing for all these things, and im hoping each night that you don't wake up one morning and decide to stop loving me, because someday you'll come to the realization that even if i need you, it doesn't mean you need me.

i don't need promises or to discuss the idea of forever, maybe someday, but not now. and if you need honesty, yes, i have always been terrified of love. although, for the first time i find myself wanting now, this moment, my right hand in your left. i want our love in the rawest form, our hearts on the line, even with the knowledge that this could save me or completely drown me. i want you to hold me as if letting go would shatter every fiber of my being. i want to know what makes you whole when you feel empty, all the secrets you keep tucked away under your skin, and why you keep them there. i want to hear the stories of every scar that covers your body, if you cried when you got them. i want to hold your hand when 4AM comes and you've had another nightmare about your father. i want persuasive kisses (god it works each time) and morning breath whispers of "five more minutes" when i wake up to the sound of my alarm to leave. my love, my eyes have grown tired of searching and would not mind being set on you. (is that like saying forever?) for the first time, i am letting down my barriers that separate us, *i want to fall and be caught.

i wouldn't take back the first time
my heart was broken. nor do i regret the mascara stains on my pillows and the
empty bottles hidden in my closet.
it lead me here.. you.. us.. this
and maybe you'll break my heart
as easy as you do glass bottles, but maybe i don't care. because, for the first time ever, you're the hello i never want to hear a goodbye from.

we promised that when we left this
town we would be leaving together.
i should have known forever meant never.

for so long i fought to protect you from
the world, to hold your hand every time it
stretched its out for yours, but i realize now
i failed miserably.
not because i didnt try, not because i
wouldnt have given myself up for your
sake, but because you needed to be
saved from yourself.
i realize now that i can no longer save
you, and baby im sorry i let you down.
im sorry, im sorry, im so ******* sorry.
im sorry and i know i keep saying it, but
it's all i know how to say anymore.
every time i look down at my hands
all i see is your name written in all the connecting lines of my palms, so i shut my eyes.
but that never mattered.
i still see you.
in every ******* thing.
if im still enough i can still feel your
arms around me, when my body grows
lonely and yearns for connection.  
out of all the people i could have loved,
i made my mind up to love you, to
become one, with you.
and i hope someday that makes
you feel enough.

you were the most beautiful
thing in my life, and the only
thing i'll ever regret letting die

i get these moments of boldness, telling myself i wont let anyone else control my happiness anymore, but then i think of you and how you never showed up that night. i think of you and how you told me all i do is make you miserable, but somehow you couldn't stop having *** with me. i think of you and how you never complimented me when i changed my hair, or noticed when i wore my makeup differently. i think of you and how easy it always was for you to let me go. i get these moments of boldness, telling myself i wont let anyone else control my happiness, but then i think of you.

i want to write things for you as
beautifully as the songs that remind me
of the first time you kissed my lips, or
made love to me three summers ago.

"just friends"
harmless. innocent. right?
although the voice inside
my head whispers and
persuades me otherwise.
              because i also never forget how
              we once were "just friends"
and i also know "just friends"
seems to run deeper with someone
you've once called a lover.
                
             please know, im sorry :
understand that it's difficult to see
past the past of you two, and trust
the future you present and promise
to me everyday, when your actions
don't comfort me as much as your words seem to.

maybe we don't talk as much
or sleep together every night anymore
but you still call me baby
and that's enough for me

even if i could wish you away,
along with all the memories,
i dont think i would..

you claim to know me. that you
can see through my fake smiles and
hear the stutter in my words when i
try to cover up what's wrong,
(i never was a good liar) but if that
was true, why can't you see that i
am as broken as the shattered
glass in my bathroom floor?

i bought something today. not because i wanted it, but because i knew you would. it's been awhile since ive seen you, and lately ive found myself doing anything to be closer to you.

i wore my best dress tonight, did my makeup how you like it, and even wore those purple ******* you love. but still, you never showed. and the saddest part is, ill try again tomorrow.

wake up.
breathe; inhale, exhale.
repeat until you become nonchalant.
wash your face.
look into the mirror and tell
yourself you're ******* great.
even if you don't believe it.
tell yourself that today is your day.
even if it feels the complete
opposite from that.
then, brush your teeth.
go for some coffee.
even if you hate the taste.
smell it.
realize life is total ****. (sometimes)
start your day.

i want to feel your body against mine, run my fingers through the thickness of your hair, feel you strain to keep quiet, grab the sheets, curl your toes, and release your body. permitting full control to be taken. i want to intertwine my fingers with yours, feel you tremble and shake, while your lips find their way to my neck. i want to hear your heartbeat speed up, your breathing become uncontrollable. inhale, exhale, repeat. i want to watch your eyes roll back and see your back arch while sweet sounds of pleasure tell me to keep going. i want to do more than just touch your body...
i want to leave my mark on your soul, and sin with you in the most beautiful way.

now and days, all that spews from your mouth is rehearsed lies and empty promises. i'm not blaming you, because i was the one who chose to believe you. although my heart hoped the best in you, i know you are human and people make mistakes.

mistakes are meant to be made and learned from, but for some reason you keep repeating yours. i suppose you didn't get the message the first time and that's okay, because some people learn slower than others.

but each day that  i see her i want to disappear into the walls. i want to smash every mirror because my reflection isn't her, and that's what you want, right? her.

you beg for my forgiveness like a peasant for it's life. i still do hope for the best in you, and i know the third times a charm, but i don't care to find out.

i don't think im in love again,
but i kiss with my eyes closed now,
and i think that's a start.

there's some people you can't live without, i get it. some people you can't stand not figuring out what it is about them that makes them who they are. people you sometimes just have to be a part of their life, to say you were, even if it's only for a short period of time. but, i wish to you she wouldn't have been one of those people.

"tell me to stay one more time, that if by
tomorrow you're gone you'll remember
me by the love we share tonight, tell me
you can't do this alone, that you don't
want to do this alone. tell me you can't
let go either," i begged.
and in your hesitation i found my answers.

im not sure where my heart is anymore, but something in me knows it's wherever you are

you were my first love. my first real love. and i knew that, ive always known that, since the day i laid eyes on you. yours were big, brown, like mine, you were bold and fearless, a heart big enough for two, for us, you were all the things i lacked, and this is what made you the missing piece to my puzzle. a small piece, yeah, but you completed the puzzle, and that was always enough for me. it was you who came along and saved me, it was you who saw me, really saw me, and chose to still stick around. for that i love you, although i chose already to love you forever. seeing you now feels like... space..? i know that may not make sense, but i know that when i think of how i feel that's what comes to mind. i miss you, i genuinely miss you. every day i think of you. i promise ill always love you.

one day i'll find the courage to walk away, and on that day i'll promise to never look back

i used to want a daughter whose cheeks would be flushed whenever she played too hard or got too warm, roselyn, rosey for short, and this idea was my favorite, until we broke up and you kissed a girl with flushed cheeks, who also happened to be my best friend. i used to love my short hair and the way it curled up after showers, something in me even thought about cutting it shorter, until you told a girl with straight hair, a girl with long hair, that hers was beautiful, "af." i used to like that chinnese restaurant downtown, until i walked in while you were "working" and saw you with your ex. i used to want to take you to every school dance with me, until one day i got the courage to ask and you told me they weren't really your thing. i used to think that when i started driving, id bring you lunch, and occasionally surprise you with your favorite things on your doorstep, until i realized i wasnt the only girl who also thought this was a cute idea, and beat me to it. i used to think i was special because i knew all your secrets, at least i thought, and you let me in while you shut everyone out, until i realized "everyone" eventually became me too.