i lost count of how many days it's been.
how many nights ive spent crying in the floor, only hoping you'll hear me, somehow, wherever you are.
and im not one for religion, but i pray every night that you still remember the first time you reached for my hand, and the last i love you we ever said.
i lost count of how many day it's been.
i broke every picture frame last night but kept all the pictures.
the truth is, im a wreck.
and im not asking you to come find me, but if you ever do, ill be here.

i only kiss him with my eyes open
because every time i close mine
i see you

i gave you all i had,
even my heart when yours was mending.
and now here i am left with nothing but broken memories and mascara stains on my pillow.
and the sad truth is, regardless of the things we went through, id do it over.
again and again.

and the worst part is-
you'll travel the world, you'll experience life and grow up, go far from here, and you'll still find yourself looking twice at every guy who passes by, hoping it's him. hoping he's somewhere looking for you, too.

promise me that if i begin to lose my way, that you won't just look for me, but find.
tell me that forever isnt just a word, even if you think its only something made up in books, and we will make it far someday.
hold me and tell me the world isnt so bad, and life isnt so hard, as hard as it seems.

i wish
like all of you, that i could laugh, and have stupid inside jokes of the times nobody else would find funny.
i wish
like all of you, that i could be invited
to the sleepovers, the parties, the fun things you all do.
i wish
like all of you, that i could laugh and not wonder if my laugh is too loud, or too annoying. speak without looking down, or pulling at the ends of my hair. surround myself with people without feeling like the air around me is suffocating me, rather than helping me breathe.
i wish*
but, until then, i'll just sit close by and wish.

and when words are no longer enough, and you grow silent,
i hope you still hear me.
and when i catch your eyes,
already drawn to mine,
i hope you still feel me.
and when you've learned again how to place your lips on another girl's neck,
i hope you still smell my cheap perfume.
(the one that drives you crazy)
and when you've learned again how to make love in the passenger seat of your car, i hope you still taste me.
and when i write these words,
i still hope, someday, you will
read them.

it's been almost a year
and my heart has gone from the trees during the coldest winter
to the wild flowers blooming
after spring has begun
it's been almost a year
and you've taught me that forever just isn't long enough when you love someone

i don't believe that you ever fully get over your first love;
it's more of a comfort lie you tell
new lovers,
(and yourself)
so they don't feel insecure
or fear being replaced.
(im still ******* insecure,
but i guess that's my own fault)
and sometimes, when you've fallen asleep in my arms and still she texts your phone,
i wish for you to, again, only be a
stranger passing by,
just a puzzle with a missing piece.

it hasn't hit me (yet) that all that is left
is myself, and the pictures we hung up, but never really were as happy as we smiled in them.

you're in the palms of my hands, my fingers gripping onto you, fragile, delicate, like the glass bottles i used to shatter when my feelings got the best of me.
and im so afraid, because i'm terrible at keeping bottles whole, and i can feel you slipping.

you make me inexplicably happy
and it's getting harder
trying to find a more elaborate way
to describe this feeling

waiting in a airport
crowded with thousands of people
yet here i am
scribbling down poems about you

she's like the first day of spring after the coldest winter.
like finally taking in air after counting the seconds of how long you can stay underwater.
she's the girl who everyone whispers about, but the girl you'll never hear about.
she's the girl who sits alone,
though is never lonely.
the girl who's as open as the books she reads, yet still, i can't figure out.

WHY DIDNT YOU WARN ME THAT FALLING FOR YOU WAS LIKE THROWING MYSELF INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE OCEAN WITH NO LIFE SAVER

i still remember my shaken up nerves, and god my shaking body, after our lips pressed against each other's for the first time. still, months later, my hands tremble when you reach for mine and ****** i can't help but kiss you and taste the names of our unborn children we've named, along with the rest of the plans i swore for you to never make with me. and it's crazy (or maybe i am) because i find myself wishing on 11:11, AM and PM, for "i do" to someday be exchanged between us two.
my mother always warned me about the boys with soft eyes and sugared words, but never did she warn me about the girl with long hair and cold hands.

im sorry i didn't answer my phone
that night. i told you "i'll only be a hour,
i promise," but you didn't inform me that you were leaving too. twenty missed calls. one text.
"i can't do this anymore, please
pick up, what do i do?"
im sorry i got mad at you that one day, screamed, left, and cried. you always told me i was too emotional and to toughen up inside. you said you'd always be by my side, although i think you failed to define always, and mention, that soon, you'd be saying goodbye.
im sorry i wasn't as bubbly as you on the days you smiled with your teeth. the days you got confident and decided you were free. the days you came and tugged my hand, got this idea, like school was something we could afford to flee.
im sorry that when i questioned
you about the cuts and bruises, i allowed you to tell me "it's nothing, don't worry about it, i'm fine."
im sorry when your mom left
you home that night, you looked
but didn't find. you said you called exactly after an hour, but i wasn't anywhere around.
im sorry they teased and picked on you, called you names, pulled your hair, and kicked you down.
im sorry, i swear i ran as fast as i could after i was done. my mile takes me ten, maybe fifteen minutes, at least.
im sorry i got there too late and understood all your pain after you put it in ink.
YOU KNOW IM NO GOOD WITHOUT YOU, GOD YOU KNOW IM ******* WEAK.
WHY DID YOU LEAVE? I CANT DO THIS ON MY OWN, DON'T YOU THINK?
im sorry... im so sorry... im right
here, you see? can we talk about this? rethink it?
just please, promise you'll visit me tonight while i sleep.

"you better be writing something nice down.."*

nice (in your words*) adj.:  something that doesn't say you are depressed, sad, want to shoot the world, yourself, your mother, or anything in that category.

but, i think sometimes those things need to be written down. i think sometimes writings need to be as dark as the ink you write with, because those thoughts matter too.

i still remember how luminous
and full of life your eyes were the first time i stared into them.
and i remember how i couldn't help but want to figure you out every time you smiled and glanced at me.
god, i wanted to know you.
i needed to know you.
but i guess that's why they say
*anything forbidden, we desire.