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astro eyes Apr 2018
you taught me to breathe,
i never knew how to.
you taught me to be free,
nothing like I was before.
i fit into you,
like the perfect puzzle piece.
the one we had been craving for.

you introduced me Jupiter,
a speck in the night sky,
and when I look for him now,
i think of you,
and only you.

you gave me tenderness,
i didn't know what this was.
how soft the words
of a beautiful man,
could be to my ears.

i'm melting.

when I look at you,
i feel the word that starts with "L".
for the first time in my 27 years,
i am in awe of another
human being...

who
i
am
falling
in
love with.
for you, darling. x
astro eyes Mar 2018
i miss what we had
even though
our time
was short

i miss your face
and how much
i liked it

i miss your voice
i could listen to you forever

i miss the way
you didn't judge me
for my truth and my past

i miss your
vulnerability
something you didn't
share with others

i miss the idea
that we might've
been something

you probably don't
miss me
or wonder where i am

my heart isn't that cold
i still think of you

if you had let me
i think i would've
fallen hard and fast

i don't miss
how you said goodbye
through a text

i don't miss
how you said we would speak
and we never did

i don't miss that you ignored
me
and rejected me

i don't miss that you and i
are actually nothing alike
despite at the time how much i
thought we were

because unlike you
i don't walk away from
the lovely
and the promising

i stay until if it'll
ever end

you took that from me

and i don't miss that at all
astro eyes Mar 2018
27.
i treat people as they treat me

yet lately i have realized

that i do not do this

no

in fact i treat others
with much more respect
tenderness
love
care
appreciation

then they have ever given to me

if they were to fall
you could bet i would
be there to pick them up
tend to their wounds
heal their broken hearts
wipe away their salty tears

but for me?
rarely has anyone ever
been there in hard times
and stayed for the after party

or let me cry
while they hold me close
and not expect ***
to follow

or keep me around
because i boost their ego
with all my compliments
and sweet nothings
i whisper into texts
that i send just because

where men i dated
come and go like the wind
"oh no she has emotions!"
i've cried more over heartache
than of joy
in relationships with the opposite ***

i'm 27 and yet my social resume
is that of a 16 year old

my closest friendship
dissolved into nothingness
only 2 weeks ago
my heart completely shaken
to its core
my heart utterly broken
into more pieces than its ever been

but when i look back now
from this side of the window
i look in and see how
in love i was with her
and how not so in love
she was with me

and with this
i look to my other friendships
hoping someone will hold out their hand
and pull me close
and whisper soothing words
and let me cry the hardest i ever have
to accept me in this shattering
heart wrenching moment

to find that not one
did
any
of
those
things.

things i wouldn't ever question
to do
for them

so i take back
my love
respect
kindness
helpfulness
tenderness
support
care

and absorb it back
into me
where it belongs
and where it is
appreciated
and adored

i am a lover
my heart lives on my sleeve
i bare my soul to find
a person who can also
do the same
and not flinch
at the sight of a
passionately emotional
human being
who isn't numb
or afraid
to feel
astro eyes Mar 2018
i am the type
to feel
a rainbow of
emotions
in one day

you will meet me
with a smile
infectious laughter
joy
and leave me
in tears
and ruins

i sing to soothe
my battle wounds
from the war i wage
with the world
where the people in it
blown into my life
eventually
abandon me
and run away
with someone else
into the sunset

how could this be?

im hard to love
i require too much attention
too much support
i am too loud
and i laugh too much

i
feel
too
much

despite the hell i went through
my heart is open
and full of love

and yet
even so
i am alone
and my friends
do not care
that i would drown myself

(i told them this)

to get away from the pain
the truth
that no one would come running
to pull me from the water
and breathe life
back into my small frame

my heart is broken
astro eyes Mar 2018
just put your head under
she said
slowly let yourself
sink
into the stillness
no waves
only stillness

water
sitting nicely at your neck
covering your naked body
the last place you
will lay to rest

stare at the wall
your mind whirling
thousands of thoughts
yet only one is full
of colour and attention

just put your head under
she said
make your way into
the clear ocean
that is your bath
the host
to your last bed

may you slip
and let the water
fill you up
take over your small body
gradually overpowering
your will
to breathe
your breath the last
evidence
that you are still alive

your body is
your anchor
the water accepting
you as if you were always
linked to it
a chain
connecting

this last chain breaks
snaps at this weakness
you are feeling
all over
you gasp
but only to allow
the bath
to entrap you
within its walls
envelop you
and seal you in

just put your head under
she said
let the suffering sink into blackness
gobble you whole
like a monster from your dreams

you vanish without a trace

all you wanted was to feel loved
for exactly as you are
and yet even for this world
this was too much to ask for
astro eyes Feb 2018
false love
is feelings
conveyed
through phone screens
is a grave
only dug low
into the ground
of the walls
you put up
to avoid pain
yet you're keeping
it inside
you
to rot
you

false love
is expecting the world
to shower you with
adoration
expecting
light to beam from their
eyes when they gaze your way
that you are everything
to
them

false love
is parents who
hold you but slap you
who curse you but
"its because I love you"
who beat you until your
body and brain are blue
until you believe
you're unlovable
and an abomination
the power of their words
and actions
now you own
as your own
what they taught you
you express within you
and onto others

false love
is a human being
who can hold you
touch you
be inside you
make you feel bliss upon bliss
and watch you walk away
without batting an eyelid
who can wrap you in their arms
and think of someone else
who will look past you
and not at you
who feel nothing
yet tells you nothing of this

false love
is friends
who are only there
for parties
where the ***** is flowing
where it eventually flows back
out from their mouths
leaving you to clean their mess
when you ask for help
they say they're too busy
******* your resources
until you are empty
until they are full
to siphon from the next
and the next
what they will never understand
is their hearts are hollow
and always will be

false love
is believing love
comes from others
loving yourself
is selfish
validation and appreciation
must be from them
and not you
hop from one to the other
hoping they can fill your cup
and smother you with
the beauty that is
acceptance
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