I hate helplessness
It's creates the kind of anger that you can't express until it makes you cry.
Frustrating
A gentle breeze nor a god can move the immovable object
your happiness matters not to the immovable object
Impossible obstacle
Helpless

Shut your ******* mouth
I don't want to hear it
Just tell me now
Why won't you submit

I don't care who's at fault
Stop telling these lies
I don't care who did what
You're both full of flies

She's not a ******* goddess
Yet you worship at her feet
You're so ridiculous
You're still incomplete

You let her hurt you
You're killing yourself
I'm so ******* through
I just want to help

You keep all your secrets
Even when I share mine
I guess trust is your weakness
So you tell me you're fine

Maybe not trust
It's still a dumb game
You do what you must
and I'll do just the same

Alas, I went out
It was my last halloween
It took much begging

It used to be candy and costumes and fun
Now it’s just school and clowns holding guns

I used to dress up and go trick-or-treating
Now I don’t even join the candy eating

I want to go out and never grow up
But now I’m alone. I guess I’m just ******.

My friends are too cool for Halloween
They call me a child. Oh they’re so mean

I just want free candy. It’s not much to ask.
Just walk with me. It’s a simple task.

But no they won’t go. too lazy they say.
Guess no celebrating. Inside i’ll stay.

It used to be cold
On every halloween
now it is too hot

What if I’m no good
What if they don’t like me
What if i didn’t try as hard as I could
Is that all they’ll see

Do they think I don’t try
It’s so terrifying
I think i might cry
I swear that I’m trying

Wait just a minute
Why should I care
Your opinions cut
It just isn’t fair

Your thoughts shouldn’t matter
Needless or controlling
It’s mostly the latter

Are you trying to tell me something?
I that why you bring it up so much
Or have you simply forgotten about all we’ve said

You take and take and take
I give all I can give
I hoped, I believed
I just knew someday you'd do the same for me
Yet here were are
Two years later
With nothing but your ****** memory
and my need to never forget

All the things you said
What you mean always changes
I want to be done
I screamed
I told everyone I was over you
Yet here we are
Me still following you like some pathetic whelp

This needs to end
End it
Tell me exactly how you feel
Tell me you still feel the same as I do
Or tell me to not come back
Just give me something
So my soul can rest

You cry and take blame
You say you're sorry
You're serious now
But never again

You say I have to believe you
You throw a fit and fuss
I don't have to do **** for you
When you've broken all my trust

You think I care
You think you're forgiven
If I told you what I truly think
You'd be scared

My needs aren't something you can fill
You hurt me
You don't deserve me
My grudge will not be killed

To me, you're dead
So, go away
stop trying
Don't ever come to me when you're sad

You think I'll crack
You think you can break me
I'll come crawling
Instead let's go back

I believed every word you said
But they were never true
So get the **** away from me
You hear me! Dead!

As I walk around
It’s empty in town
But what I see is people watching

Behind the windows
Behind they crow
Gossiping, giggling, gawking

It’s all about me
Why can’t you see
They’re all watching and judging

You says there is no one
There’s no reason to run
but I think you missed my delusion

No matter where I am
I’m thinking of them
The ones who are always watching

Here it comes
the dreadful feeling
It sends men running
Children screaming

It controls our reactions
Its fun to watch
Witness of satisfaction
but it’s not so fun to have

It’s not fun to feel
but you have no choice
It’s not even real
but it demands attention

Don’t you see
It’s already here
You doomed my friend
Welcome to FEAR

It could be better
It could be worse
I know what I want
and I know which I get

Of course the worst is all for me
would I get anything else
Of course It’s left up to me
would I ever do it right

Now my grades are failing
just like my organization
The only thing I can hold it to
Is my lack of realization

I should have thought
I should have planned
But what did I do
I slept away the fear

I’ve finished my test now
but i don’t want to see
I know my grades have dropped
I have no-one to blame but me

I guess I should have studied more
or memorized each fact
Maybe if I’d skipped my chores
I’d have known each exact

Now I can only mope
I should have gotten a better grade
I shouldn’t let this dash my hopes
Look at these mistakes i’ve made

Sometimes i pass the sidewalk, maybe walking
It’s just strange I can’t hear anything talking
I feel the stares
I find it scares
Especially,when nobody is watching

have I, have i done something wrong
is that why you grip me so strong
strangely by chance
it was simply a dance
and so we go back to the throng

I want to hurt myself. I want to die. I want to suffer. I hate all this pain. Mental pain is horrible. The worst of any pain. I want to disappear. I want to go to my bedroom and only leave when necessary. I want to never leave my house again. I want to take those matches and I want to set myself on fire. I want to swallow every pill I have and I want to curl up on my bed, in the dark, and cry myself to sleep. Then, I want to never wake up. I want to gouge out my eyes so I can never cry again. I want everyone to hate me, because I can't accept that they don't. I want to be a failure because that's all I deserve. I want to slice my legs up so they're symmetrical. I want people to be disgusted by my scars, by me. I just hate being in pain for so long. I am weak.

You watched the flowers die today
After the blooming buds
You then wished the pain away
All the feelings are too much

You've cried so many tears before
You've filled your house full
So you've been drowning in the rain
That came from clouds of thought

If only the moon
Could take the pain away
I could exchange it all for another way

If only I
Had the power left
I would take it from you
I would take all my pain back

So many a time
You've cried to me
And I just watched as you were eaten
You were already dead

We picked the flowers
For your grave
As you cried
I watched your rain wash them all away

If only the moon
Could take the pain away
I could exchange it all for another way

If only I
Had the power left
I would take it from you
I would take all my pain back

If you let me
I would take the pain
I would take all that was suppposed to be

If you'd stay
I'd never leave you
Whether shining eyes or pouring rain

I hang my hat after a long day at work. I'm finally home, though I'm not sure I want to be. The silence isn't too fun, but neither is the work.

Dear abuser, I know you'll never leave me. I love the pain you give me. Tuck me into bed and kiss all the bruises you give me. I'll never lose my trust in you because I know you will always be there.

Oh, dark thoughts, why have you come back?
I thought that I had lost you
I thought I was on track
But here you are again, old friend
You haven't left me yet
I suppose I can't complain about it
I guess I shouldn't fret

I wish that I could stop feeling. Then I wouldn’t feel so numb. I'd never feel numb, because I'd feel nothing. I wouldn't feel love. I wouldn't feel anguish. I wouldn't ever be confused, because I'd be more of a shell of a person. One that feels nothing and simply does. No emotions to stop or start unwanted anythings. No feelings of betrayal, of which could not stem from nothing.  
No love to be ashamed of. No love to confuse me. No love to have destroyed by others. You cannot take love from someone who has no heart.  You cannot love too much, if you do not love at all.  You cannot have unrequited love if you feel nothing. You'd certainly never be scared of the love.
If I did not feel, I would never have to experience the awful, awful pain of fear. Unending, controlling, immense fear.

I would certainly not be afraid of the nothing I'm already becoming.

There's only a never-ending cycle of highs and lows or so much of both.  It seems that I really can't escape the emptiness. The dark hole that always comes back. I suppose, it's meant to be.

I overthought my overthinking about all of my thoughts
I thought I would be fine with it, But I guess that I'm not
I'm overthinking my overthought about my overthinking, now
I want to end my overthinking about these overthoughts,
But how?

Take a rose and hold it to your lips
Caress each soft  petal
Give it a mother's kiss
Throw the flower to the sky
admit your final wish

*I don’t wish to live again
I don’t wish to wake up
I wish to sleep forever here
I wish to be stuck
I want the world to go away
I want the lights to leave me be
I want to lie in this field of flowers
Let me rest here, eternally

Take a rose flower and hold it to your lips
Look up at the stars, and send the sky a kiss
Then you must whisper, and  you must say
"I don’t wish to live past tonight or today"

I think I'm overthinking
I think you know it's true
I'm always thinking
my thoughts are a crutch
But, I’m always overthinking
I think I think way too much.

I think I'm having overthoughts
I think I really think too much

I think I think thoughts so much I've overthought
I think I have no more overthoughts to think

I'm always changing and also the same as before
I'm so confused, I can't think anymore
My thoughts are too quick, and they never slow down
They hold me, and sink me, and then I drown.

Thoughts are never what you ask for
They're all deep, dark, and gore
But sometimes they're ropes and other times crowns
Though, somehow, you'll always be left wanting more.

I'm a living contradiction of human perception
I'm lost in the world, always changing direction.
My will is so weak and the truths never hold
I'll never know all the lies that I've told.

My mind is a dark place in want of perfection
But that's not specified, there's always exceptions.
The only thing I can truly say bold
Is I never decide 'til my heart is sold.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I seem to have a never-ending problem. I make countless mistakes. No break between folly. My inadequacies destroy my hopes of being happy. By being happy even in the slightest, I bring out fear, doubt, and hate for myself. So pathetic.

I think to myself, perhaps, that it would have been better not confessing my love. I did it in hopes of rejection. Then it would be over. I could love in silence and perhaps cease to exist in his eyes. Now I have countless unanswered questions and fears. Too many false hopes, doubts, and inadequacies. So much false hope and fear spurred on every time I try to speak. So much  self-hate. So much confusion. I don't know how to handle it. I feel that it may have been a mistake, because I can only expect the worst. The worst hurts.

Everyone watches, judging. Knowing all its mistakes and misgivings. All decide what it should be, instead of what it is. It watches back, never knowing what to do, who to listen to. They say to be itself, while telling it what itself is supposed to be. It fears. It fears everyone and their egos. It hates their need to be in power.
         They tell it what do to with their eyes and theirs harsh mind. It can never be itself. It is always the it that others want, and yet no one's perfect vision of it. It can never please everyone. So it fears.
         It knows it can be itself, but it fears too much. Everyone is too powerful. It never learned that it must be itself, because they always watched. And they always judged. They always spoke with their gaze and their mind.
        They give it deep fears. Deep fears of their controlling eyes and their thoughts and their being. Always afraid of what it isn't, because it's never what they want. Deep fears of itself.





                                                                       *My deep fear of being myself.

Am I the little daydreamer? Am I the curious lion cub? Am I my true self? Will I ever be my true self? Does such a thing exist? I want to know what I am, what I will be, what I am meant to be. I want to know me. I want to be myself, not someone else. I want to be me and not be ashamed of being so. I want everyone to know me too. Then again, I want no one to know me. I want to know what I should and more. And I want to never be afraid to do so.

I live in both realities. One in the light, the dream, and one in darkness, the real world. The light is welcoming.  Here true happiness is achievable. True love exists. I can be happy with myself, and my attempts to do so aren't futile. The dark is cold but true. The real world. No one can ever be truly happy here. True love doesn’t exist, for one will always love too much and one will always love too little. Attempts for love are thrown away like nothing because here you are nothing, just like everyone else. The cold truth. Love isn't a gift, it's cruel and unforgiving. Most important, I will never be happy with who I am. I am nothing.

Nothing you said is ever true
You never remember
I believed in you
How could you lie so easily

You tell me your sad
That you don’t know if you can go on living
Then you turned around like that
saying you will never get what makes people want too **** themeless.

You say something
Then next month you deny
Maybe you just can’t think it through
Why do i even try?

I listen and remember
Harder than I’ve tried before
Then you words turn
how can you be so contradicting

You said you felt the same way
now you do nothing but hurt me

I’m sad, big deal
You don’t even care?
then whats that i hear?

“your fault for taking what i said to heart”
‘there are better reasons to be unhappy”
“edgy. edgy. edgy. edgy. edgy.”
“Calm down. No need to be so edgy”
“woah that’s pretty edgy”

Sorry to inconvenience you friend
if you really are my friend
I never meant to hurt you with my edginess.
I apologize ever more
Your anger is not what I intend

In fact it’s not even anger as result
No, it’s more
The mocking never ends

You say you’re making me a better person
what you’re really doing is tying lose ends
You said i need a better reason to be sad
And now i have one

I don’t know what your were told
but calling me edgy doesn’t make me less of person
just makes you more of an *******

Broken thoughts and regret
make up my mind
before i can even try

I believe every word you say
Every awful truth
Even if you lie

Sometimes I think you hate me
Most times i think you should
Maybe i should die

Is that what you want from me
just tell me what you’re thinking
i can’t read minds

You think i should be able to know what you mean
But i always understand wrong
Reality but which kind

You say all these things
i think they come out wrong
a thought is what you should find

You speak before thought
You don’t understand it
People aren’t that quick

You just say things
thinking I’m immune
I’m weak, it’s a trick

You say these thing
they cut me deep
it makes me sick

A little daydreamer sits up in bed. A nightmare again.
Little daydreamer whispers to her loyal walls.
"I had a scary dream." Little daydreamer sighs.
"I had become a Lion. I had grown up a little. I even fell in love. I had hope."
Little Daydreamer shivers in disgust.
"At least it was just a dream."

No, No, No, No, No! Stop thinking. Don't think.
How could you?
Are you nothing but a little  daydreamer?
We've worked so hard.
Now you throw it all away.
Maybe you are nothing.
Perhaps Crow is right.
No
We will not submit to his claws.
We will scratch. We will bite.
We will drag ourself out of hell.
I have not given up on you.
For you see, I am you, you are me.

A crown and trophy for your troubles, Proud Lion.
What an admired mane. What an admired jaw.
                                        what secrets lie beneath
The Proud Lion has teeth sharp and drenched.
Future's tears weep through your teeth.
Seeps red and dark.
Crow doesn't know what comes.
                                      **you don't know what comes

Crow is feeble,
Caught in surprise.
They were looking for young,
when they should have been looking for adult eyes.

A lion cub grows larger.
Still, larger.
A lion on the hunt.
Feathers flock and feathers fray.
Lions do as Lions want.
A  squawk is heard.
A squawk to pray.
Clenched in jaws.
Teeth to erase.

Sneaky little lion cub. One with tricks and lies. Hard to believe you can make such feats.
       Crow still thinks you're little. Crow still thinks you're his. That you are just a plaything.
                     He doesn't know the truth.
      He thinks you're in love. he thinks you're stuck with him.
                   *You're Not

You foolish, foolish creature. No matter how tight I squeeze, you won't let go.
             let go
Only a fool can have such hope. You think I care for you, young lion? You are just my next meal.
             Only fools
You will always be little, lion.
             There is no hope for you
                                                        *-Cr­ow ***

A little lion cub again. You trusted too easy. You fell too quick.
                        You got too close.
What you thought was an Owl was a Crow. It's claws stretched out to you.
                        What a fool you are.
You let it crush you. It dug its claws in deep until there was nothing left to be severed. And it keeps digging.
                          You're empty
                                                               **It's your fault

A new dance,
A fretful prance,
The lion celebrates her change.

No more fears,
No whispers in her ears,
No more nightmares to devour the real her.

She is the real her.

One day, Curious Lion will be Great Lion.
She just knows it.

Lion cub wants to know strength and wisdom. She wants to be powerful in the real way. 'But how is that?' she asks herself. 'It must be knowledge,' the Lion says, for it is the only thing that fills her with pride.

The Curious lion prances. A fretful owl in it's sights. Never has one found such a wise and attractive creature.
Watching from a distance, the Curious lion will never know the Mature Owl. She is too wild for such a tame creature. She has not the courage to approach. Fearing that the creature will attack the poor young lion cub.
The little lion will continue form the distance.

Farewell*, little daydreamer. Your time has passed. It is time to grow. An adventure awaits in the cruel reality. One much too harsh for the likes of you. So much to learn. You will one day know the love you want to yours;f. I, the curious lion, will bring you the joy you so wish for. Goodbye, old friend. I'm sure I will see you again.