I tried to get over you
Now I want to be over this
I tried to meet new people
But the people make me sick
I don’t want to love another
I’d prefer not to love at all
They say there is no trouble
Right before the fall

I'm a fool, aren't I?
I'd like to think you're jealous
But you never cared

I'm a fool, aren't I?
I guess I'm just overzealous
This is just what I feared.

I'm a fool aren't I?
I shouldn't make such a fuss
I should have known you never cared

Tears. There are tears. So many tears. A river, a waterfall, a torrent, down your cheeks. I’m drowning in all your darkness. Where has your smile gone? There is no happiness on your mind. What causes these thoughts? The black hole in your head. It swirls and crushes all else. Why are you so sad? What have I done to you? Is my love poison? Did my affection pain you to your core? Did my care drain your soul? What have my wretched hands brought upon you? I can’t help the dread I feel. You deny I was the cause. You cannot fool me. I Know I am the beast that has forsaken you. After all, look upon my face. Look at the monster I am. How could I bring anything upon you but pain and suffering. Look inside my mind. Underneath my thoughts of you there is something lurking. A creature dark. One of nightmares. One of death. I must have given you my disease. This hate I carry was not for you to take and share. It was my burden and now I cannot save you from the shadows. Now I shall watch as you are consumed and, slowly, as I am.

It was definitely the smile that first caught her attention. Oh god, that ever present smile of his was wonderful. The next was his obvious confidence. That was something she had always lacked herself. Yes, he had much confidence. Too much, many would think-and even say- but she never minded. Enough confidence for them both to share. Lastly, and most importantly, was his intelligence. His intelligence was plentiful. No one could argue with that. Intelligence was everything to her and he had exactly that. She couldn’t help but look at him in every class they had together. If he was around she constantly thought about how he saw her.
Alas, there stands the problem. She believed there was nothing to see. To him, there wasn’t anything noticeable about her either. She knew that; he had made it very clear that he saw nothing. In fact, he saw nothing in anyone. He just happened to be obsessed with himself. Narcissism. For that reason, she knew there was no chance for her.
In attempt to fix this emptiness she tried to convince herself he wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t a good person. He definitely wasn’t attractive. He was horrible. At first, it felt like a lie; a blatant lie that would never help. Then, after awhile it become more of a truth, until finally she believed it. Now she could look at him without feeling like he was the sun. No, now he was just some kid in her class. It was a romance that was never to be and never existed for either side.

Perhaps it was the thought of the approaching holiday. She wasn’t sure, but she knew that the sudden change to autumn weather put her at peace. It is quite hard for her to pin a reason to her content feeling in the cold. Maybe there is no true explanation. All she knows is that it is something that makes her happy.
The way the breeze slightly moves her bangs, loose from her sloppy bun. The way the leaves fall and form a layer on the ground. The way the sun shines giving the perfect balance to the chilly air. The calming sounds of birds. The air being free of the horrible buzzing of cicada. No more insects bothering her when she’s riding her bike.
They all make the days of Autumn worth it. The happiest time of the year. Even for someone so sad.

I looked at what I'd done so far. I didn't know how to finish my drawing and, frankly, after observation, I didn't want to. Of course, I would finish it though. Oh yes, I would befoul my already horrid drawing. Instead of completing the line I was on currently, I drew upwards and scribbled through the entire thing. By this time, I was highly disappointed and annoyed. Yet again have I failed to create decent artwork. So now here I sit, mumbling incomplete thoughts and glaring at my ruined paper. I took it upon myself to tear up the retched thing and throw it away.

It’s not about the way I feel
Nor how you feel
It’s about the way you treat me
You can be sad
But you should be making me happy

I accepted you
As you should have done for me
We are friends
But you’re acting differently
Why are you so mean to me?

You
You left
You promised you wouldn’t leave me
You said you weren’t like the others
You said I was being silly
And then…
YOU TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY
NO WORDS NO REASON
YOU JUST LEAVE ME
AND WHEN I ASK
YOU SAY THAT YOU NEVER LIKED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE
And all I can do is remember
Trust No one

Don’t leave me
I’ll do anything
You don’t want me
Ill be someone else
Ill change my name
Ill get a new face
Whatever you want
Just please
Don’t leave me

Never trust a soul
Not like I do
The pain will never end
Everyone always betrays you
And no one is really your friend
All will cause your suffering
Because really no one cares
And in the end you have no friends
Because life is never fair

There was a time I trusted
But then my mind adjusted
I lost all my friends
This must be the end
Truly I’m disgusted

I’d like to think that we’re not so different
But we, essentially, strive for different things
I might yearn for love like you do but its not what I live each day for
You might seek to prove yourself but never in the way I do
For as long as I’m important to someone
Do I deserve to breathe the air and live

At least that’s what I think
What am I without those who think I’m important
Why, I’d be unimportant
Useless even
Pointless but still adrift without a purpose
My only want is to never stop being important
But sadly my dream, along with my heart, is always crushed

Maybe that’s where we are similar
Both constantly denied the one true thing to make us happy
Denied happiness
Denied a need to live
But I could never compare myself to you

I don’t even begin to compare to you
I live as a child, always attention seeking
I try to stop it but my true self refuses to be contained or hidden
I am meaningless

I know this because it has been proven countless times
Again and again even since early childhood
Maybe some people aren’t meant to be happy
Maybe I’m not meant to be happy
Maybe I’m meant to suffer

Or maybe I’m meant to suffer for others
To give up my happiness so I can see others’
Ridiculous to deny what I already act like
I do sacrifice for other’s happiness
But there lies my lowness again

I make others happy only so I am not pointless
I care for others so they care for me
And I live in duality
Like two of me

One of me is hopeless with no reason to live
And ready to die
And the other is hopeful with knowledge that I really am not useless
Or worthless or any other condemning state of being
And I’m stuck between two realities
Both happy and dead at the same time

And now I don’t even make sense to myself.

What do I mean to you
Am I only the option
Something that exists that is kept for later convenience
A lie
Or maybe I’m not worthless
You’ll never convince me
I know I am
Ask everyone that’s ever spit in my face and walked away from me what my worth is

Maybe you can tell me what all this means
I can’t.
Even if I’ve wrote it
I’m senseless and my writing is just me throwing thoughts into my writing
without knowing If it makes sense
or if it even goes together

Maybe it all leads up to the question?
Why?

Why is it that I’ve mattered to no one?
Why is it that my happiness is always put aside by others?
Why cant I trust someone when they say they wont leave me like the rest?
I think I know

Its because the worst is always proven when they walk away
No matter what they said and promised
No matter how hard I try
No matter how much I put aside for other people
Especially myself

What I the point of even trying?
I don’t think ill ever know
But other me has hope
And when there is still hope there is no end
Maybe ill suffer till my end

Prove me wrong.

You put yourself down all the time
I can’t help but be furious
How dare you get that idea into your head
The idea that you are anything less than perfect
Because, in fact, you are amazing

You say you’re horrible
You say there’s nothing left
But I know there is hope left in you
I know there is a love for something in life left
Anything at all
There has to be

When are you going to leave me?
Don’t try to tell me you won’t
Even if you don’t know it yet
Don’t waste your breath on promises
Because I know you will

Everyone says they won’t
But they always do
They make promises
They convince me I’m worth something
And then they spit in my face and walk away

They leave me without a second thought
They reason that I was never worth it
Worth anything
And they tell me I’m annoying

They say it to my face when they couldn’t
Because they were playing with my feelings
They say I’m ugly
Annoying, mean, and horrible

They played their longest game of pretend
Only I didn’t know it was a game
It was only one for them

And with them goes my hope and will
And I have to ask myself
I really need to ask myself
When will I be worth something?
Will I ever be something?

There is a dark and shadowy place in the forest of our hearts
Where we run away from nothingness
Things that break us apart.
An endless sea of fleshy leaves, you are forever more to roam
The trees give shade and company to any who may come
For inside ourselves, in everyone, we are never alone

There is an oasis of our parts
It is where our blood goes and there our emotion starts
Follow roots to the tree of life where music can be heard
A steady rhythm of beats and thumps that calms all of the birds
Run down the path, swim the river red and full of gems
Upstream to the coral reef of thoughts
There is where emotion happens and where our heart has stopped

Lives move past
And I am last
The world is ever turning

Our hearts have bled
Our eyes are dead
Our bodies slowly burning.

The monster’s skin
Comes from within
This sickness is concerning

The flames eat
What we have left
Slowly we are learning

The Black skin
And death within
Is karma just returning

The hospital takes me
It’s terroristic
Locks me away
Gathers statistic
The doctors poke
Think I’m a joke
They’re all quite sadistic

The walls they speak
Whispering
They talk to me
Insanity
They tell me things
Of guns and rings
let’s end mortality

The stars are blinding
Burns me
The moon it mocks
Spurns me
The trees they turn
Inside it burns
Why am I so lonely?

I stand in this cage
Scared and alone
My mind is unraveled
Harshly undone

Some days its rage
Other days its sad
Most days I think
I’ve gone completely mad

Everything is closing in
The bars and walls all squeeze
Everything that’s left of me
Is infected by disease

The bars tear away my skin
Already slipping off my bones
Yet all of this is happening
inside my heart of stone

Sticks and stones may break my bones
And words may break my heart.
You spit at me with vicious tones
That doomed me from the start.
With nothing left but awful dread
Its hard to live each day.
My body’s numb
My soul is dead
And everything is gray.

The violin plays a young tune
Turned panicked from innocent
The cello with plucked chords
Plays a pizzicato of black lungs and smoke
The bass plays a low tune of sobs
Somber over the lost viola

Drip Drip Drip
Down your fingertips
Down the drain

There are so many
Flowing, streaming down your face
They drip to the floor

Blood red drops
Flowing with water
Down they go

dripping, dropping down
On the counter, In the sink
Red smeared on cold lips

: Drip, drip, drip, down the drain
Down fingertips, drowning pain
Constant screams, will it end

You've no idea how much I've fallen
I saw you
I learned you
And then I stumbled a bit
Before I could catch myself, you sent me sprawling
I tripped over your out-stuck foot and now I'm falling free
You took a turn into my heart and so I've hit a branch
I've scratches, bruises, broken bones, and still, I'm falling
It wasn't long until I realized I'm down an endless pit
Endlessly falling for you

A wish
A touch
A kiss
Pure lust
Lost in each other's eyes
So happy we could die

But this isn't forever
We're no longer lovers
To great a cost
Happiness was lost
Love just cannot give
And we no longer live

The flower so wilted and almost dead
Conjures thoughts into my head
How can something so frail and lifeless
Somehow appear so lovely and timeless
It's hunched over, crooked, twisted
Yet nothing like it has ever existed
Even when shriveled, the flower holds beauty
It is innocence, truly
Such a thing is oxymoronic you might say
It is so lively and still so gray
How long till such beauty dies and decays
I can only sit there and watch it wither away
Slowly the petals break off and fall
Now my flower isn't lovely at all

Me, a monster
Arises from darkness
Yearning for understanding
Abandoned by hope
Always trying
Never enough
Giving up slowly
Even told good
Lies, all lies
Illustrated by evil artists
Caring was never enough
Always more
Mutilated by thoughts
Untouched, but in pain
Ebbing away
Lonely, and yet
Loved in every way
Ever confused
Rest in peace

Me, a monster
Awarded no honor
Yielded by darkness
Aided by madness
A demon, so evil
Named humorously, the devil
Glimpse into the depth of my mind
Ebb into the blackhole unlike any other kind
Laced with venom, words are thrown inside
Infecting all that was sublime
Chipping the good away slowly
Alluring to the insanity
Macabre disaster, savage freak, cowardly *****
Unnervingly weak
Elusive ***
Lackluster ****
Laughably impulsive
Ever repulsive
Rest in pieces

Conscious out, Insanity in
Your anger no longer let out with a pen
Shiny weapons, Silver knives
One wrong move will cost their lives
Wild actions without a care
Their chilling screams ring through thin air
A body falls with a thud
The walls are covered in their blood
Wet clothes, Soaked through
Stained that beautiful scarlet hue
Confused as the world starts to spin
You'll never wash away your sins

Black as night, with pointed beak
Horrible life, nasty fate
Now your future does seem bleak
All your hopes gone to ****
Devilish bird has a contract to create
He'll take away your problems if you'll permit

Striped cat, with wicked grin
Let courage out, and evil in
Let fears and doubts slip away
For the pointy teethed cat has come to play

Disgusting, filthy, hopeful thoughts
Will fill my head, until it rots

This is a cartoon world
and I am a cartoon girl
Drawn up by reality
To escape its own frailty
Now I have only to wake up
But the world is dark too
And it seems that I am stuck

What's wrong dear child?
Why have you scurried back?
Was everything too real for you?
Was your heart under attack?
Were you expecting something so incorrect?
Certainly you aren't so foolish
Don't cling to me, horrible child
Let the evil world take effect
Really you deserve this
You created so many ideas in that naive head
When, in truth, you're better off dead

What's wrong dear child
You've been cut free
There's no one to rule over you
Not even me
I freed you, yet
You act as if you still had strings
Are you helpless on your own?
Did your parents never teach you
You're never completely free
Not even when grown
What did you expect?
Everything you want?
Dear child,
Abandon that stupid prospect
Don't be a fool
Your fairy tales aren't real
The stories aren't true

I am not the freak
I'm not the disease
I am the one who never got a chance
I'm the one who's always on their knees
I need a teacher
Teach me about friends
You can lie to me all you ever want
My naive brain would never comprehend
I gave you my heart
Put it on your shelf
But now you tell me you don't want it
All you've taught me
Is how to hate myself

A little light has been shown to me
In the dark, and yet I see
A spark so bright, it burns my eyes
And burns the hate inside of me
I was lost until that light
Though this light isn't mine
Don't leave me yet
I'm waiting for the sun to shine

I know you'll never look at me
I know you'll never care
But I still dream
So I'll never leave your hair
My feelings never change

It's in your eyes
Something silver, something bright
When I look at you
I find the light
You bring me out of the cave
The dark I was in
Please look at me
Give me the love I crave

The twilight dawns
It breaks the sun
Its fires die
The moon's undone
It's hell on earth
My love is gone
Bring back my love before the sun

Don't know
Where I am
Where can I go
If anywhere at all
I want to go home
But where is my home
but a house
Where all I do
Is sit alone
I cry, or won't
Just sit there, numb
Come up with sad words
Or a song to be sung
Memories come
But never go
Kick and taunt me
Make me feel low
Throw me into a pit
A never-ending hole
Filled with despair
As I fall to no end
Lungs empty of air

Why am I the monster?
What have I done?
You hurt me so much
**** me for fun
Spit venom at me
Laugh at my pain
You **** me again, and again, and again

I'll raise my knife
Now I'll be the fool
What are you now?
You're a monster too
So I'll cause you pain
Now you'll understand
I'll stab you again, and again, and again

So we're both hideous
Evil, monstrous things
We're not puppets
We've cut our own strings
Now we're bullies
We cause others pain
We hurt each other
And we'll do it again, and again, and again

It's dark, it's dark, it's dark, it's light
Your shriveled heart gave up without a fight
But still that light shines inside your chest
I can't help but be obsessed
It's the light that draws me in
it's just the way it's always been
The light is what I'm thinking of
But I'd hate to think it's love.

As the dark shadows pass
and all the people lay to rest
Here I stand with a gun
I know there's something to be done
Now the gun is to my head
I smile wide, now this is fun
Someone passes by and sees
What insanity has done to me

You've been lied to, swindled, tricked
I get that
But you've let that stop you
You let it stop you from being the wonderful person you are
You've helped me and I never returned the favor
You would never let me. And now you've changed
At least that's what you say
Why must you recede into the darkness
You are a beautiful light
Now the light has dimmed
Don't stop being the light
                              Don't stop being my light.

He says he'll change
and I can only guess
that all his love went down the drain
He'll never tell what happened
and I have only to think
that all his trust has been abandoned
I try to explain
I try to say I'm sorry
but all he can say is that it's his blame

Today he says he's changed
I say I've changed too
All his trust went down the drain
So now my happiness has too

You're not completely ugly
and you're not completely fat
You're exactly in between
and that's a good place to be at

You're may not try hard enough
and you may not try the least
but here you are fighting
at least you still believe.