Father used his fists
a lot
Though never on the kids

On the walls
and the furniture
and the doors
and the mailbox
and the fence
and the neighbors
and random people on the street
and strangers in the bar
and a few times the poor dog
and one time on mother

He was the childhood’s
villain

To defeat him one had
to become a hero

and becoming a hero
took time

And today
after all this time
the villain of childhood
was dead

He died at the hands of
some other character,
a neutral one

A cop who told him to
drop to the ground
and father didn’t
so he got shot

That was it
The end of his saga

Utterly unsatisfactory
anticlimactic
disappointing
just bad

There was no final showdown
between hero and villain

because those things
only happen in
childhood
and childhood had ended a
long time ago

i see us for what we really were.
i look at the mirage of memories and now see them shrouded by clouds.
we were not happy kids, making the best memories,
we were simply two people trying to make the best out of gloomy weather

i hope one day someone’s hand will feel as perfect in mine as yours did.
i hope one day my lips meet lips as soft as yours were.
i hope one day my body will fit perfectly into the arms of another.
i hope one day my heart will feel the butterflies again that left when you did.
i hope one day to experience a love that doesn’t compare.
a love that makes me realise
that love with you
isn’t the only love i will ever experience.

perhaps
my love was never enough
to fix a broken boy and his heart.

perhaps
my love was never enough
because my heart was the one which needed fixing.

perhaps
my love was never enough
not for him, but for me.

my love was never enough
because i gave it all up to fix a heart that didn’t need fixing.

one day,
as you’re lying in bed,
he will cross your mind
like an unexpected thought.

you will realize
it is because today
was the first day of
not continuously staring at a chat with an empty message box
not updating him on what you’re doing
not feeling the urge to know how his life is going.

it will scare you.
this is the very thing that has terrified you from the very beginning.
not knowing
not being connected.

don’t be scared.
this connection?
it was wrapped around your heart,
your throat - slowly suffocating you.
you don’t know what fresh air tastes like anymore.
trust me - it is good for you despite its unfamiliarity.

it is not his fault, it is not yours.
the suffocating felt like comfort.

Today's the day I get really low,     I know people say hey you should be over that by now and let things go, but when u lose your DNA you can't see anything in front of you not even a day, not even a second not even a way.  Life took that laugh , that frown ,that always being a clown that peice of jigsaw it still leaves me raw but i smile still *** my DNA lives