God, be with the boy i love.
place your hand on every part of him and his life that i’m no longer able to and heal him of the pain i’ve caused.
bring him as much happiness and success as possible in this world and help him to see that he is worth much more than he lets himself believe.
Lord, please clear his mind of any darkness or belief i may have put in his mind that he is inadequate.
carry him safely away and let no more pain or suffering be brought to a heart as pure and full as his.
i know you will always love him more than i was ever able to show him i did.
Cut them all off because I was feeling heavy.
Now I’m up in the clouds but I’m missing the ground.
So if things start
to get a bit better
and your days begin
to look a little brighter,
just know that it’s not by chance,
or some stroke of luck.
It’s because I’ve been praying
for your days to be filled
with more sunshine
and your shoulders to be lifted
of any burden
because if i can’t be there
to look after you,
I can at least let God know
that I need him to.
Every night she’d spend some
moments praying to a god she
wasn’t sure was even there.
Praying for his safety,
praying for his success,
praying for his happiness.
Because if there was a god, she’d
want all the blessings from the
Lord that she could wish for,
to be given to him.
Being with him was like holding a gift you knew you’d have to pass on, but feeling the joy of just being able to touch it, despite knowing it wasn’t yours to keep.
It seemed as though he was leaving before he’d even arrived.
At first I’d spend hours questioning it.
“God, why do you put me in this position? Why give me this angel, this blessing, if he’s not meant to stay? I know some people you take away to teach me something, but you’ve taken him before he was even mine!”
With a mind full of a racing thoughts, my heart would hurt. Why would a god so great do such a cruel thing?
After wandering down many roads of possible answers to all the whys, I’ve stopped at this:
Perhaps God didn’t bring you to me to teach me something. Perhaps it wasn’t even to bless me for the short period of time – God knew such a blessing would hurt too much when it was taken away.
It was a message. A sort of prophecy. “Do not worry. You feel like you have no angel watching over you. But you will. See, here he is. This blessing is yours, but he isn’t here to stay. I know you want him to, but you’ve both got some growing to do. Just know that this angel is yours, this angel will come back to you.”
One thing I am slowly starting to realize is that we will always be in this so called dark place and we will never be able to drown our demons but that doesn’t mean the ocean won’t calm and we will be able to swim back up.
I saw something that said
the first thing you forget about someone is their voice.
I can’t remember what my name sounds like when you say it
or the sound of your laugh after I mimic the way your mouth makes it unique.
I am forgetting you.
Which is supposed to be a good thing
- a sign of moving on.
Instead, it has been my biggest fear.
So I go back and listen.
Over and over again.
Trying my best to memorize your voice,
to keep you from disappearing.
But I know
that you already have.