Forgiveness, hard to give
  Pride, easy to have
   Hurt, not easy to let go of
Hope, hard to find
Faith, hard to keep
    True Love, the hardest to give, have, let go of, find, and keep...

As we make mistakes I can see the light come around
And strange as it seems I’m bursting at the seams
For things to turn around
My photos don’t turn you on anymore
My stone washed jeans are darker than they seemed
It all tastes the same though, so you say
But there’s something different about my mouth
You try chasing dreams but it’s harder than it seems
I can’t express my mixed emotions
About thoughtlessness
But I’ll be forever in your debt
And I try to understand the little boy inside the man
As I lay my heart in your hands
All I ask is you please just hold me close to your heart
Don’t let distance keep us apart
After all this is written in the stars
So lets teach each other again and again
I love you now and forever
Never meant to cause you sorrow or pain
Just let me explain
My heart aches
Trying to find it’s place

Sometimes I don’t know why I care
I sit down and take all my makeup off
I lay down but you don’t wake up
Sometimes I wonder if you even know I’m here
I can’t remember the last time we had a real heart to heart
But I’m a woman
And I deserve your all
I’m not some girl who doesn’t know what she wants
I need to be touched
And I need to be loved
Because being just your girl isn’t enough
I hope you wake up before it’s too late to make up
No one will ever replace me
And I miss what we had
All I really need to hear is I’m your only one
Instead I find so many more
I’m not a friend who only needs you sometimes
And if I’m truly your lady
You got to treat me like it
I’m a woman with a heart
One part love, one part wild
Skin, hair and eyes
That are only mine
Why don’t you appreciate all that
I thought you adored?
I don’t just want to be a part of your world
I want to be what your universe is made of
Don’t leave me in all this pain
Come take these tears away
Un-break my heart
Time is so unkind
And life can be so cruel
So why do you have to lie to me
Just be a man about it

For I so love you I give you all of me
But you no longer appreciate a single thing
I’ve tried to tell you a thousand times
But you don’t listen baby
I think you want other women
I think you play around on me
Maybe I drew first blood
But if you want to keep this real
You were the first to hurt my soul
You told me everything was cool
So how come I feel like such a wreck
How come I’m all alone
You say everything will be fine
Why am I losing my mind
How come I feel like a fool
Why do I keep loosing you
Why do I love in despair
When you’re not there
There’s no me without you
I try baby
Really I do
But I’m only a woman

So before we have a bigger problem
Let me take it from here
You should think about the time you waste
Because my last name isn’t going to change this way
So can we just take it all back
Back to all the moonlit nights of making love
I just need to know I’m all you want and more
The odds are clearly stacked against us
We’ve been in this storm way too long
There are many things that test us
But the only way to win is to pick up a sword and stay storng
So I need to know
Do you want to take this back…?
We can’t stay in each other’s lives without making some sacrifice
And you don’t take this serious
Because I give my all
And that’s never good enough
For better or worse I’ve kept all my promises intact
I honored love
But it becomes so hard when my hands are tied
Everything you could want or need lies within me
It’s staring you in the face
I love despite the heartbreaks and being left out
You’re not the only one who’s been around
Of all the others you’re thinking of
I’m the one who’s showing you all about love
I don’t need my hands to feel the things I feel inside
I know that which is inside my heart is right
And they won’t hold you like me
They won’t touch you like me
And I manage to love you with hands tied behind my back

There’s cracks in our hearts and heads
But your smile sticks a kiss that could stop it
I just want to be better than all that came before me
Do you need to go and find everyone who cared for you
To know this
Because that will be nothing more tomorrow
You say you couldn’t do the things you did before
You won’t leave me ever again
Because you can’t stand to be alone for long
There’s always something missing in the after glow
But I’m always here to save you from the dark
Even after you take away my halo

Let it burn slow
As my heart becomes numb
And it's okay if it's bitter, I found out
So is the taste of love
Clear, transparent, and 80 proof
Just like my soul was to you
Feeling lost and confused
Like I always am without you
And I catch myself wishing
You were whispering my name
Every star, every scar
Every mark upon my heart just up and fades away
And I feel myself missing everything we threw away
Every dream, every scene
Every song we'd ever sing
Was lost in yesterday and
Now I'm trying to do without you
But I can't seem to give up this fight
And I know everything would be alright
If I could just kiss you tonight so,
Should you find yourself wondering if I still think about you
I want you to know that
Every thought, every step with
Every tear, and every breath
I swear I do
This backwards leaving, game we're beating
Stupid reasons, useless feelings
I'm not surprised
It's all a part of our failed attempts to say
Goodbye
Now I'm bleeding where I bled
You're hiding where you hid
Burning out instead
Of trying again
And the softer side of unbearable makes for complicated feelings
My minds been mistreated, I wasn't prepared for this
Now I just want to disappear
Drink until I'm unaware
But instead I stay awake
Feeling cold and tired
Right back where I started
Drinking myself blind
Trying to forget all the reasons why
You're no longer....
Mine

What a ride this has been
I'm exhausted and I know you are too
I feel so drained, like I have made no difference whatsoever
I want to get you out of the dark place you're in so bad
It hurts to watch you sleep and have to wonder where you're at
Baby come back to me, please, just come back to me
Don't go to that place where I cannot be
Don't leave baby I need you here with me
I'm so tired
I ache from all the mental and physical stress
My emotions are a mess
I just want to fall into a deep slumber of peace and quiet
I want to lay in your arms and feel safe and secure
Why can't I just save you
Why can't I help you through all of this
Why can't I be where you are
I feel so unfunctionable
I'm so tired
I want things back the way they were
I want the old you back
It's like you're half alive but mostly dead
Even in my dreams lately I can't reach you
The thought of losing you scares me so bad
I have started this love thing with you
What good is it going to do me if you're not here to see it through to the end
This is why I was so hesitant with my heart
This is so tough and I don't know if I'm strong enough
I didn't want to need you this much
I didn't expect to want you or miss your touch
I have to get you through this
I have to muster all my own strength and pull you out of this place
Let me help you
I can't watch you unravel in front of me like this
It's like you're falling and I can't catch you
You've been barely hanging on and letting go with all of your might
When I fall you are there to pick me up so why can't I do the same for you
I am just so confused right now and I need to talk to my best friend about it
Feels as if I'm spinning out of control
I feel **** faced drunk
I want to feel pain.
I want to hurt like you are
I want to understand your pain.
Feeling you inside me in my veins is the only cure for this ache
You have become such a part of me and I a part of you
When you hurt it hurts me too
When you smile my soul lights up
When you cry my heart weeps with you
I don't know how this connection between us happened
How is this all possible
Obviously I'm not good at explaining this in words
But, God, I just miss you so much!

I'm a ship that's been tossed
A bridge that's burned
But you brought me back from the point of no return
Now you're not here to catch me anymore, and
I'm gonna have to fall anyway
Because I have so much weight on me
And anything goes when everything's gone
So I say "bring it on"
Because right now I don't feel a thing
And if you would of just left me a single thread to hold onto
I'd have one good reason not to feel the way I do
But can't nothing save me now
I was the fool and
I'm paying for it now because you're no longer around...
And I know you feel like I don't care at all
Because still life goes on,
And it's always not enough or it's way to much
So, how are you when I'm gone?
Because I'm struggling now to make it on my own
And I just want to fall asleep or die
Because this is killing me inside
And it won't stop until my final breath is gone
So spare me those three last words
"I love you"
Because, I'll wait for you but know that I can't wait forever
Now you've made your stand
And I know you have your reasons
Like I have mine
I just hope pride is good company at night
And that we both can find some light in this dark
I still want to be the one you want
But I can't stay here for long,
And I hope you don't learn to love me once I'm gone....
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

You stood before me
My eternity within your hands
You spoke my heart into motion
My soul now to stand

You see my failure
Witnessed all my shame
My bitterness weighed upon your shoulders
My faith now to stand

So what can I say?
And what can I do?
But offer this heart
Completely to You

I'll walk upon your salvation
Your Hope alive within
I will believe in us
Like you believe in me

I'll fall to my knees, my heart abandoned
In awe of you who gives your all
I'll stand by your side, my heart to you surrendered
For all I am is Yours

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

When I met you
All the dreams in my heart
Suddenly came true
You knocked me over
When I was stone cold sober
Not a thing I could do
Maybe when your soul and heart starts burning you will see
That every time I'm talking to you it's always over too soon
And everyday feels so incomplete when I'm not with you
Say the word and I'll jump the moon
When you got a love so strong
How could it ever be wrong
Mercy me, just be mine please
I've already lost all my sanity
Just let your heart belong to me
If I just lay here
Will you lie with me
And just forget the world?
I need your grace
To remind me to find my own
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is in your eyes
Please say you'll always be mine..

I have all these fears
that create doubt within me
I'm so sad it hurts and still
You ask me to trust.
You want me to give unconditionally
But for what?
I'm already down on my knees as
I beg and plead for someone to rescue me
Someone come save me from these demons
that are consuming me!
It's dark here where i am
and I don't know if I'll ever find a light again
I'm gasping to breathe
All this pain inside is destroying me
I just want so bad to be free
I'm tired of this life dragging me down
tired of listening to everyone around me shout
I want numbness to take a firm hold of me
I want to feel nothing, cold as can be
Because I will never trust anyone again completely
mostly because I don't even trust me
I don't know when I'm going to finally snap
Right now I'm just stuck in life's heavy trap
I've been rode hard and put up wet
and I am out of gambling chips to bet
I want to give up
and be done with it all
Let go and not fear the fall
Why do I keep pushing myself and the ones that I love?
Why can't I let well enough be and just rise above?
So much madness and hate in this world
what has it made me become?
I feel worthless as can be
when no one is ever there to help me
It's like reaching out for someone who is not there
and I'm always left alone and bare
Always playing this game of truth or dare
It's like a first time kiss,
The price you pay is so immense
So tell me why I keep on playing,
When the price is too high for me to keep on paying?
This dark cloud just keeps hanging above
and I'm standing here stuck in a rut
continually hearing "I love you, but...."
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

As I'm falling down
My heart still beats the same
Even as the tears stream
From my blinded eyes
Shattered glass becomes
My reality
Burnt pictures and memories
Keep lying
There is less beauty in life
Than in dying
Blood always stains
The sun no longer touches my face
The road to hell is paved with good intentions they say
I tried so hard to heal the scars and touch your heart
But nothing's as it seems
Hurtful words ring so clearly
Sitting here playing Russian roulette
Gun loaded and pointing right at me
Withered past and a blurry future
Digging this pain inside my chest deeper
Just wish I could
Reverse the curse
Forget how others had your heart first
Like poetry to my ears
We take what has been given
And blow it away like dust
It's hard to be forgiven
When there's nothing left to say
Lying face down in so much pain
I refuse to see that my mind is anarchy
Worthless liar
I come on shameless
But I am ashamed
The sight of my own reflection
I cannot bear to see
Shadows shroud every step I take
Falling from grace the devil's laughing in my face
Fighting for a life that has beat me down
I stand and scream but hear no sound
Rise from the fire a phoenix
Alive and inspired
You cannot erase me
I'm a sinner conceived by the flames
Started broken hearted, busting at the seams
Standing back watching my world decay
I don't know why I'm falling apart but I
Need to find someone else to blame because,
You're not the reason I'm insane
I've tasted life's cold steel blade
Choices haunt me everywhere I go
It never goes away
Too busy with the lies they sold me
Open myself wide to all the **** they feed me once more
Are you satisfied?
I've given all I can
Are you now pacified,
Or do you still want more from me?
There is a thin line between pleasure and pain and I'm
Walking this tight rope while the ends slowly fray
This could be the death of me
Staring in the eyes of truth
The image is cracked but so is the view
Feeling so dominated
Issues pinning me to the floor
Like being rapped and left for nothing more
Hiding from the scars of my own reality
Sedate myself until I'm drowning
Got a pill for everyday
And a little black dress to mask the pain and
This monster inside that I'm feeding
Lacking perception in all that I do
Crying out in pain
But no one knows where to find me
Screaming out in vain but
No one can reach me

Upset
Bad day
Trying to drive
the pain away
All that remains,
Leftover tears
Anger running
down both cheeks
Feeling all alone
Left to deal
Drenched in sorrow
Wanting to find some
hope
for a better tomorrow
Bite my lip
forget the bleeding
Weeping as
you wrap me
in your arms of healing
The deeper I cut
the worse you hurt
Slowly I open wide
and
Find relief
in your life,
Finding the love
I've needed
in your eyes...

I guess now would be a good time to tell the truth
But the honesty I carry will surely bury you
Like your lies I believed were true
I am not like you though, you're always right
Never wrong,
And you're a sad sight for these sore eyes of mine
A headache for my now weak and tired mind
But you still get me so tongue tied
And I know it's a waste of my time
Because you've become the smile I no longer force
You're the distance that's come between
And I just tried to be everything you'd need
Selfish minds think alike
And I'm wasting all your time
You were in love and so was I, but
Now you can keep your hands to yourself
I know those lips have been on everyone else
Save it for the bedroom when you're not alone
Keep all your lies to yourself,
I've already heard them all from someone else
You ******* me good, and
I became another mark on your shirt,
Just another night and another girl
But admit it I tasted good,
Go home now and wash my jeans
Because there's dirt on the knees
And jealousy consumes me
You loved me, well I loved you too
Especially below the waist
Because that's where players play the game
Those eyes of yours go to my head
But they're n longer enough to take you to my bed
You talk a good game that's for sure
Now look at the face you chose to play
Did you win what you were hoping for?
We will never be the same
Because this is war,
This is my heart,
And the stakes have been raised
It's your call,
So much has changed,
So, lets get this straight
Only you could of taken it away
And that was too high a price for you to pay
I played the lady, you played the gent
And we called it all time well spent now
Here we are standing in the calm before the storm we have been weathering for so long
Now it pours, and it's felt not heard
It washes off all our colors
No need to wear them anymore
Just remember all your lovers, and all the respect that was lost at their door
You had front row seats to me on my knees
Wasn't the show everything you hoped it would be?
We were onto something, you and me
Now you're just teaching me the game you play so well
So many things you said and I won't get over it
Because all the disappointment has caused me to move away
So I can train myself to maybe trust again someday
Just know I'm the best you'll ever get
And you've convinced me to never love again...

I breathe you in
And laugh as I choke on wasted nights
They were the best times of my life
But somehow I'm sleeping alone
And I don't want anyone to wake me up
Because now the thrill is gone
The sunset is turning red
Behind all the smoke
Forever and alone
I have been strapped to this bed
Where the taste of you and me
Will never leave my lips again
I want to hold your hand so tight
That my own bones break inside
And when the drunken moon sings tonight
I'll sing right along
Because I know not the words to any other song
Don't you dare blame me
My love for you was shameless
Now I can barely whisper your name
So, I'll try to write it in my own blood's ink
And if that doesn't work
I'll sing it
Because the song will be yours forever to keep
And when the sun sinks down into the ground
I'll scream over the sound
I know what it's like to feel burned out
But please just put it down
You're just wasted and dwelling on the past now
Baby, it will all be okay somehow
I know you think you can't take anymore
As you draw the shades and close the door
I know you would rather die than sleep one more night alone
So if you need to be free
Why don't you just say something?
You're made of poison and it's killing me
You're leaving me just when I thought you were mine
And I can't see your face as
Failing dreams amass a hundred sleepless nights
And maybe I'm holding on a little too tight
Because nightmares no longer wait for my sleep they
Leave me crawling on my hands and knees
Do you still love me?
Is what I'm dying to know
Have you forgot what we shared?
Were you ever really there at all?
Thoughts in your head that will never leave
Is that a price you're willing to pay?
Constant recovery
When you choke it takes my breath away
Just promise you won't leave
I know you're tortured within
I see the hunger in your eyes once again
Am I the only one who thinks you should stay alive?
Calm on the surface but the bottoms where you lie
Telling yourself just one more taste will get you by
I'll hold you down
While you destroy the world
I hear you breathing on the phone
I'm not your type
I'll just leave you hurting every night
Screaming into a pillow alone
Drawing hearts on a steamed up bathroom window
Should I love you back or just leave you alone?
What you love is what you have
And you would die right now for
Something beautiful to take you somewhere else
Just break down the better side of me
Forget regret and
Taste this lust like a hammer to the teeth
I can show you what being in love really means
This is all for you
To the end
I'll never leave without you buried next to me
They will never take us alive
Lets just chase away the darkness
So we can live in love and die
This is all just a test
Stone cold sober and scaring us to death
And I don't care if you're sick
I would kiss you no matter the consequence
You are something to me beyond beautiful
And I am perfect with you
They say our love will never mean a thing
But as long as your heart still beats
I'll love you with all of me

I want to untie this noose
Break free from the chains that my heart is bound to
Rip away this flesh that still feels you
Destroy the bond that holds me to you
Extinguish our first kiss, dissolve the first time we made love, Ignore the first lie,  negate the first fight, revoke all the bad words we ever spoke,  I just want to stop believing in you,
All of this I wish to abrogate
The sleepless nights, the worrying, the spite, the distance, the heartache that won't subside
I want to put an end to this game we began
Become unaccustomed to your ways
Bust free of this cage I'm in
Longing to undo me and you...

You think no one sees this
Well I think it's time you knew the truth
All the diamonds have left your bones,
You're all flesh and no feelings so why don't you just
Throw it to the wolves!

You spit words like you're someone else.
I once was stuck in the promise you made but now,
I'm tapping out.
You chewed me up and spit me out and
the same mistakes are waiting on you to be made now.
You get what you feel, and what you wish to be,
And you paint yourself in a picture so perfectly,
As you deny the kind of person you really are.
You can't live sarcastic sincerity,
So keep sharpening your guilt temporarily,
And realize that,
I gave you everything and you threw it all away!
.
Love like a cancer, still you begged me to stay.
So kneel to pray,
Live life on your knees as you embrace your own disease.
Stop to breathe as you start to choke, and let your life begin.
It will just keep you on your knees begging for more!

You probably thought I wouldn't get this far
You thought I would never escape
You don't know how hard I've fought to survive
Waking up alone when I was left to die.
All these roads I've walked,
All these tears I've bled,
I am the dirt you once walked on and
I maybe a sinner,
But I'm not your *****!

So let me tell you something baby,
I know you love me for everything you hate me for
I'm the one you need and fear the most.
All the judgments you placed on me
Was a reflection of your own self discovery.
So maybe next time before you start casting stones,
You should crawl out of the shadows of the dark unknown,
And take a look in the mirror and try to see the truth in your own face.

I hate the way you dominated and violated me
I hate the way you looked when you would lie to me!
I don't know how we got here,
But now there's no way out!
I will never thank you for all this rage that within you dwelt.
You tore me apart and now you're feeding on my rotten heart!
You were the perfect disease
For the beast living within me!
You were the misery I used to crave!
A faithful enemy holding a sharp stave.

Nothing good has come of knowing you,
So now...
You're going to shut up and know that this life is mine to live alone!
I no longer live to uphold you!
Maybe once I was blind but,
Through your rage I could never be saved,
All you did was embrace my decay,
So shut your mouth and listen to the words I say!
I am nothing of yours
You no longer own me,
And I can't hear you anymore!
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved