When I was seven, my best friend and I used to dress up and have tea parties. We wore the torn, hand-me-down dresses from my cousins like they were gowns straight out of a princess’s wardrobe, and we were beautiful. We would prance around my room with purple plastic teacups, and there was no better place to dine than the blue **** carpet from Goodwill.

When I was seven I wanted to be a dancer. Not just a ballerina, no. I wanted to do everything. I watched with rapt attention as my cousin’s modern class tumbled to the floor of the stage, and as I stared at their neon colored tank tops and black jazz pants, it seemed that my world made sense. It seemed that as long as I was there on stage, dancing with the same skill and emotion and passion, I would be beautiful.

For my eighth birthday, my friend gave me the sixth Harry Potter book. My favorite character was Hermione. At recess, we would tie the sleeves of our red uniform sweaters around our necks and run around the blacktop pretending to play Quidditch. I thought Harry was smart and cunning and funny, but Hermione. Hermione was full of enthusiasm and rules and always made friends even if they were only in her head. She was top of her class with hair that everyone noticed and her brain was bigger than her group of friends at lunch and that was okay because she was like me. I never thought Hermione was beautiful. She didn’t need to be. Her bushy hair was full of intelligence and her buck teeth were strong enough to bite off the tongues of her oppressors and her dull, brown eyes weren’t dull at all because even the Whomping Willow began as a patch of dirt.

Hermione wasn’t beautiful like a garden. Her fiery eyes were dancing with flames that could wipe out an entire forest without even breaking a sweat. I have never wanted to be beautiful like a garden or the sunlight on the Fourth of July. As I tumble onstage in a blue dress with a tear in the front, my feet are ***** and my palms are sweaty and not one girl has brushed her hair. Footsteps pound the floor like a mighty pride of lions and hearts race as the bass drops and I am not a garden. Don’t you dare call me beautiful.

The longest a human being has ever stayed awake is 264.4 hours, or 11 days and 24 minutes. A study from Harvard Medical School shows that people who are sleep deprived may not realize that they are sleep deprived. Lack of sleep makes people more sensitive to pain. Sleep deprivation leads to paranoid and delusional thoughts. I am not sleep deprived until you confirm it. The monster waiting at my front door does not exist until it has killed. I am not real until you say that I am real.

Yesterday, I almost skipped my shift volunteering at the library because of the hell hound waiting on my front lawn. There was a chain connecting my lungs and its teeth, my palms and its claws, my brain and its beady, yellow eyes-- but the door to my room was steel and my heroes were there to guard it. Next to the door I piled books and a box set of compassion and bound the lock with love and sacrifice. My palms were pale and clammy and I imagined them all standing behind me and breaking the chains-- blowing it away with a kiss and a bang.

If my younger self could see me now.
If mother could hear me cry.
If my best friend could see my panic if the girl who broke my heart could revel in my weakness if my parents-- 16 years ago, with a new baby girl-- could grasp the knowledge that their child would be sleep deprived, devoid of certainty, hurt way on the inside and barren of acceptance for herself-- she gave it all away.

Fading away is less peaceful than you might think. I've been sleeping too lightly and giving too deeply and even though my thighs are toned from years of dancing and my feet are strong from months of overuse, I am not a physical being. I am a thought, a passing whim, a sprinkle of dust on a warm summer wind. I am certain only of my impermanence, but if I haven't been sleeping, certainty is nothing more than a short-lived sentiment capable only of fairy dust with a knack for obstruction. I may be fading away while creating a juxtaposition of reality-- my muscles becoming more dependable and my fingers pounding away on the chains harder than ever while my mind becomes less and less frequent. Feet striking the ground with an assurance unlike the persistent presence of vertigo in my bones-- I am not gone until you say that I am gone.

Sometimes I can't fall asleep. I wonder if my brain is physically incapable of shutting off; if the thoughts constantly running round my head and through my arms to my shaking fingers and twitching legs have anything to do with her. I think I was a little bit in love with her, to be honest-- if a fourth grader can be in love. I looked at the yellow spots on her teeth and saw a beautiful birthmark- distinguishing the interesting from the dull and the good from the evil. I observed her frizzy, black hair and deemed it noteworthy to the highest extent, and although I don't remember it, I'd be lying if I said I had never dreamt of kissing her. She was so beautiful to me-- an enigma wrapped in a conundrum with a side of a heightened, fourth grade quandary.

The online counseling center of the University of Illinois defines an emotionally abusive relationship as “brain washing that systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept.” I'm not quite sure if I'd label a questionable elementary school friendship as emotionally abusive, but looking back, I could never really figure out what bonded us together other than mothers who enjoyed sewing and a mutual lack of trust. Her deficiency was in herself. I was just cement to fill the gaps.

Currently, my chest feels constricted and my hands are shaking like the revolution inside them hasn't yet been won, and neither the rebels nor the authorities can remember what or who they're fighting for. I think it's the caffeine that set it off, but I wouldn't put it past her to inject the cement with poison and shove it back down my throat like medicine. Maybe that's why I've been having trouble breathing.

Last night, I forgot to brush my teeth. I'm not sure if it was because I forgot or because the long term effects of my iron deficiency finally kicked in. The cement hasn't yet hardened enough to fill the cracks.

People always say that ballet is graceful. They speak for hours after watching a performance, marveling at the dancers’ grace and elegance. They applaud enthusiastically while gazing at the stage in awe. They see a title page, a disguise, a mask. Underneath the surface of bright lights and happy endings, there is nothing but a dark stage occupied by a girl naked, shivering, and alone. Her face is engulfed by quivering hands covered with dry, cracked skin and fingernails blue from the cold. Her hands slowly reach out to comb through brown, lifeless hair. When she draws her hands away to rest against protruding ribs, brittle hair floats delicately to the ground like a feather cruelly cast away from its owner. Tears barrel their way down her cheeks like a train unable to stop for the oblivious children playing on its tracks. Her body is nothing more than an abandoned painting, fixed and perfected beyond recognition. Her ankles quiver beneath satin chains of beauty and grace. Her fingers tremble as they graciously bow to rows and rows of awestruck admirers. Her legs falter as they are barely contained within the confines of the tutu so painstakingly stitched just for her. Her head spins, dizzy under the pressure of the tiara: crowned queen of the mentally ill.

the heart is a place of exile and stone
opened: the unwanted are set to roam.
hurt species and minds crushed down to a dust
wilted flowers, dead trees; rain is a must.

thoughts circle like rainfall; heartbeat not so
clouds upon clouds upon friend upon foe.
seas of disappointment flood without fear
some people are happy; that is not here.

cellars of evil and rivers of pain
rope tied around smiles with nothing to gain.
thrones of goodwill beaten down to the floor
exhausted and dying; fighting no more.

some people are happy; that is not this
crying and dying with no touch of bliss.

when I was five, my parents gave me a book about a rainbow fish instead of the princess one I wanted. waterworks began.

when I was six, I checked out a book from the school library about the tooth fairy. I read it over and over again because I was too nervous to return it.

when I was seven, I started taking dance lessons. my teacher had bright blonde hair that she always kept in a ponytail. I wanted to be exactly like her.

when I was eight, I learned how to write in cursive. I made a point of showing my teacher how the lowercase 's' looked like a Hershey's Kiss.

when I was nine, I wrote an essay for school about a cat. my teacher told me I didn't have to revise like the other kids because I had already written it so well. I was ecstatic.

when I was ten, my best friend moved away and I cut my hair short. it was the first time I had to learn how to start over.

when I was eleven, I argued myself to tears on the playground, thus discovering passion.

when I was twelve, I almost tripped down the stairs after school every day because I refused to put my book down.

when I was thirteen, I made my way into a group of friends that had hearts of gold and eyes of steel. we felt invincible.

when I was fourteen, I watched as by best friend silently collapsed into a heap of tiny, broken pieces. I learned that the nicest people can be incredibly hard headed.

now I'm fifteen. I don't know everything, but I do understand that life never goes as planned. I understand that we are wonderfully accustomed to adapting to unprecedented circumstances. I understand that picking yourself up off the bathroom floor time and time again takes strength and resilience. I understand that you're good at being you, and that is always a compliment.

three people i love just called me
right after i screamed for someone to help me
my tears are falling in my mouth and suffocating me
i can't take this anymore
i threw out the knife, but that nail file
will do

help.

what gives you the right to tell me who i am?
who gave you the right to try and hold my hand?
do you want to be dehumanized;
     dissected and put on display?
when i tell you the truth, you can't even muster the courage to say
that i am a human being with respect, but none from you.
my heart beats with the intelligence that yours lacks
i can't believe you've convinced so many people of your love for respect and justice and loyalty and
darling, if no one notices your hatred does that mean it's still there?
my hair blows in the wind that you've created
in the world where i don't matter.
and in the cardboard box that is life
you are the box and i am the tape because
most times i'm not appreciated until i am gone.
if a tree falls in the woods, does that mean it makes a sound?
dear god, i can't believe the mess that i've found.
you put us in the corner and said "don't you dare make a sound."
my heart is racing, deep breaths while it pounds.
you hurt until you're gone
but oops, no one cares.
it's hard to win the fight when they want you to be lighter than air.