I try so hard not to notice
When I go without that one thing.
The one thing that makes me break.
Cry.
Scream.
The one thing that makes me weak.
I look away, ducking my head.
Trying to hide from it.
But it calls me in.
Just like every other time,
I resist.
Turning my back.
Trying to walk away.
But in the end,
Temptation takes over.
And I know,
That I truly am addicted.

I am not them.
They are not me.
We are meant to contrast;
Not compare.
So, why can't you see,
I just want to be me.
I might not be
The smartest
Fastest
Funniest
Prettiest
Or skinniest
But Mom and Dad
Shouldn't I be enough,
Just being me?

Sometimes
I
feel
like
I
could
have
saved
Our
friendship.
Instead,
I
Watched
It
C
R
  U
    M
     B
       L
         E
But
Hear
Me
When
I
Say,
I
Wish
I
Had
Done
Something.

We are blood,
But barely talk.
Years it has been,
Since we've last seen each other;
Spoken to each other.
I've always thought you've resented me,
That you didn't come back because of me,
Something I did,
Something I said.
But now that we talk again,
I see,
That you did not leave
Because of me.

You're supposed to make me feel
Safe and secure.
You're supposed to help me through
The good and the bad.
My shoulders to cry on,
The ones I can always rely on,
Ones that will never judge me,

But I guess that I will never fit the stereotype of
*"One, big, happy family"

You come and go,
Like you don't want me to see you,
To feel you.
Gone.
Just like that.
When I finally relax.
You're there,
But suddenly, you leave.
Just like everything else.
You're gone.
Leaving me, to once again
Fend for myself.

You might not be the
thinnest,
prettiest,
or
the best with advice,
according to society.

But you're
Beautiful,
perfect,
and
amazing
in my eyes.
You are my
inspiration,
my motivation,
my rock,
and most of all,

*My sister.

Maybe you should try and listen
To the words that leave my mouth.
Not the things that come from others
About who I am
What I've done.
You turn your head when I try to tell you,
My thoughts and how I feel
But instead you choose to listen to them.
The ones who know my name
And definitely not my story.

Into the darkness I go.
Right?
Left?
Straight?
I do not know.
Consumed in the nothingness;
Peace washes over me.
A florescent light appeared not to far from me.
A warmth filled me;
One that I wish will never go away.
"Please, don't go."
I heard a cry.
It came from the darkness from whence I was.
My breath caught in my throat,
The voice called out my name,
it cracked as the person spoke,
"Please don't leave me."
I turned back to the darkness,
Ignoring the voice.
I took the step to the warmth.
"Goodbye."
I whispered,
as a single tear rolled down my cheek.

Deep breath,
One step.
I smile,
Good progress.

Rude comments,
unfair comparisons,
Two steps back,
throwing me off track.

Sharp objects,
pains gone,
meals skipped,
"Nothing's wrong."

It started with a tree,
And when I climbed,
Nothing could stop me.
High and higher,
I went.
But the braches got
Thinner and thinner.
Until one finally snapped.
And I fell from my safety,
Right into the mouths of wolves.

It was silent as I sat,
So I looked all about.
With no one here,
I let out a shout.
My pent up emotions
Were all coming out.

From anger to joy
Frustration to sadness.

Once again, I took a deep breath,
My mind in a jumble,
I took a step.
Left? Right?
Unsure where to go,
Slowly, but surely I put on a show.

From feet stomping to crying
Screaming to spinning.

A frustrated scream left my lips,
As I looked around again,
I put my hands on my hips,
Left? Right?
Left? Right?
Straight? Back track?

Lost and alone I had no one to say,
The only place you'll fine sanctuary
Will be at your home to stay.

Sometimes I feel,
Like everyone hates me.
No one can stand me
No one can love me.
Maybe if I leave
I can make everyone happy.

Once in a while,
I'll be out late at night,
Staring at the twinkling stars,
My mind wandering to every aspect of life.
My mind wandering to the only two I can trust.
Their pain so real
And so much more than my own.

So, as I sit there staring at the stars,
I wonder why I got blessed with them.
Those two who keep me alive,
When I feel like I'm nothing more than another pain to them.

A shooting star goes by
And I wish their pain gone.
I wish that I could take their pain for them
And make them forget me.
So it will be easier for them
When I'm finally gone.

Have you  ever been so angry, that your mind just stops?
Your body trembles?
Tears well up in your eyes?
So angry, that you just feel...betrayed?
Lost?
Like you can't trust anyone:
With your
Thoughts,
Ideas,
or even
Opinions?
An anger that drives you to feel
that you will never believe something again?
That's the anger you make me feel.

You're there for me when I am weak,
When I can hardly stand on my own.

You listen to my problems;
listen to me rant and rave.

Day or night;
You won't turn me away.

Never once have we fought.
Never once have we been mad at each other.

Why?
Because, I can truly say,

You are my sister.

We used to hate each other,
Not daring to look at one another.
Hate and fakeness poured from our words to one another.
Judgement
Rude looks
Condescending words

But then something changed:
Real smiles and heartfelt laughs
Words of kindness
Best of friends.
Together, we went through so much,
Telling each other so many different things.
Together, I felt no one could stop us,
Until high school came.

Slowly we were drifting,
I could feel it more every day.
Then, we stopped texting,
Hanging out,
And small talk became our language.

Now, I feel I lost a sister,
But I want one thing to stand true,
It doesn't matter that we've grown apart.
I know I'll always be here for you.