you tell me you don't care,
that you're better off without me.
and I know, I see it,
that you're trying;
trying to get the memories
out of your head,
trying to forget the love
we thought we shared,
trying to erase the memory
of me completely.

I see that you're trying
but you're not trying hard enough.

I see the hurt in your eyes
when you see me laugh
with another girl;
I see the pain plastered
on your gentle face
knowing that I can survive
without you.

I see the real you,
inside and out;
so don't bother
trying to keep it a secret.


a.m.

you have to do good in school
so you can make it into a good college
and grow up to have a wonderful career.

everything about life is amazing,
you just have to keep going strong.

they told us these things
and we listened.

but now that we know,
now that we're living it,
we know that everything they said

are lies.


a.m.

your kisses -
the ones that start at the cheek
and trail all the way down my neck
and onto my collar bones -
are enough
to make my knees weak
to the point where i
can barely stand

the feel
of your lips pressed against my neck
send chills -

yes, actual chills -

across my
olive skin

it's as if your kisses
were tinged with pure
ecstasy
that ignite
once they touch my skin

that would explain a lot;
especially my crazy addiction
to your gentle kisses

my obsession with the thought
of being so close to you -
skin to skin,
chest to chest,
heart to heart

just the thought of you
is enough
to get me
*high

no matter how many times i
tell myself that taking my
own life is a promise
i'll keep, i know
i'll never come to succeeding.
for one, i'm a bigger coward
than the cowardly lion,
but most importantly,
i wouldn't be happy in
life or death
without you by my side.
you give me hope,
and a strong mindset
that makes me feel like
not everything in this world is
as bad as it seems.
and i've come to find
that it's easier to be happy
and hear bubbles of laughter
growing throughout my body
than to be sulking around
all the time like a limp
piece of moldy cloth.

*a.m.

My blood was boiling underneath
my transparent flesh and I dug
angry red lines into my arms,
clawed at them with my
fingernails so they resembled
the red lines left behind by a lover

And technically, they were.
Because it is you who has
caused this, all this built up
anger and pain and self-hatred
that clogged every single pore
in my fragile body

Anger turned to sadness
and puddles formed
in my eyes,
falling with each memory
of you

Who knew you'd be
the one to **** me
instead of be my savior?

(a.l.m)

Patted into sticky spheres of tender delight and spotted with chocolate chips.
I watch carefully as they melt into the dough.
The smell of overpowering joy wafes throughout my tickled
nostrils, and having to wait another second for them to cool
is anything but bearable.

All I can think as they rest on a plate before me is,
“They’re mine, ALL MINE!”
I grab one and let it explore my impatient
taste buds as it travels down the dark tunnel
and into a tomb of pure happiness.

Like a mother to a child, I hold you tight
(Into my stomach, that is). How can something
so small cause so much explosive
excitement to travel through my veins?
Chocolate chip cookies are little bites of heaven.

Yesterday
I went to the beach.
As I walked down the hill,
I saw all of our friends
swimming, jumping, and laughing
in the ocean.
Once you layed eyes on me,
you ran out,
water dripping from your shirt
and swimming trunks
and glistening on your olive skin.
You insisted on spending time with me,
even though you could've been in the water
with the rest of them.

We walked all the way down the ocean
and climbed steadily onto
the wet rocks.
Ocean foam splashed upon them
as we sat there, hand in hand,
sometimes with your arm
slung over my shoulder.
We talked and laughed and had fun,
and at that moment it was so relaxing.
I didn't want to be anywhere else
except there, with you, in your arms,
surrounded by the beautiful scenery.

We stayed there for a while
until a family politely asked us to move
so they could snap a family picture.
I remember they were all dressed
in a light blue -- one that accented
their forms against the roaring waves
of the ocean.
We climbed back off,
and every time I thought I was going to
slip, you caught me or helped me
by grabbing my hand and leading me
along, all the way down to the pier.

All of us went to watch the cruise
ships pass by.
We waved frantically
and watched their smiling faces wave back,
a nice, warm growth of their departure.
Then, Hannah said,
"This is such a Titanic moment,"
which I then realized once
I stood on the concrete,
the waves just below me,
as you grabbed onto my waist.
Hannah and Todd,
Me and You,
Josh and Alecia.
We all let our arms flair out,
as if we were little birds getting
ready for flight.
Behind us, you hummed
'My Heart Will Go On'
which made us all laugh
like hyenas.

After, we walked back and played
vollyball for a while.
I have to admit, I wasn't good at it
at all.
I never could hit the ball high enough
over the net, and I was actually
making our team lose.
Thank goodness for Todd;
he was on a roll,
slapping the ball onto the sand
with a hard tuff,
making us score 5 points in a row.

After a while,
I gave up and decided to
go into the water.
I didn't go all the way in;
just up to mid-calf.
I stayed there and
dug my toes into the moist
sand as clumps of seaweed
floated past, and looked out into
the deep blue sea that stood
before me.
I couldn't help but think of freedom,
of wondering what it would be like
to be a bird.
The wind smelled slightly of
old people, salt, and fish,
which was typical for our
Florida beaches.

You thought something was upset
or something, I suppose,
because you came and swooped me up
from behind.
You wrapped your arms around
my waist
and nuzzled your head into
my neck. The wind
wouldn't stop blowing,
so all my curls flew into your face,
but I don't think you really minded.
You stayed there with me,
abandoning the game,
and at that moment,
I kissed you.
I turned around and planted
one on your lips,
which were wet and
tasted like salt from the ocean.

Once we left,
I could still taste the salt
on my lips. It was like
a reminder of some sort
of what a wonderful time we'd had.

Definitely a night I
never want to forget.


a.m.

I don't know how I could tell you I love you,
because everything --
every word, every phrase,
will never be quite enough.
Even the words themselves --
I love you --
seem small, despite how much
emotion they may carry.

I suppose I'll try my best to tell you,
with the littlest words,
the littlest phrases,
all blended into one,
just like a painting on a canvas.

My love for you burns
with the intensity of a thousand
suns.
This phrase in particular
is about as close as it will get.
Except... even this,
with it's beautiful words
and deep meaning,
isn't enough.

My love for you burns
with the intensity of
a billion
suns, stars, lights, planets;
shines brigher than all the
electricity, all the light
that is ever produced.

I love you more than
all the flowers in May;
roses, sunflowers, dasies,
tulips,
and how they seem to
be greeted by the sun
and corrupt from underneath
the moist, earthly soil.

I love you more than
the color of the sunset;
blended shades of
ravishing reds,
outstanding oranges,
and bright yellows,
even some pinks
and purples
that appear as twilight
comes near.

I love you more than
all the words in the whole
world combined
into one, huge
mass of crumpled paper,
dented words,
and broken dreams.

I love you more than
the feel of the beach;
of the miles and miles
of ocean and moist sand;
more than the foam
that grips my toes
or the cool feel of the water
on my body;
more than the sun as it
smiles down upon my skin,
and the way it makes me glow.

When I tell you I love you,
I do not lie,
although it is still
a complete understatement
of what I truly feel inside.
This feeling --
this burning desire to always
be around you,
for your hand to be entertwined
with mine, for your arms
to embrace me tightly;
this feeling of being high
off of love --
is a feeling that cannot
possibly be described;
no matter how hard
one may try.

What they say about love
is true --
it can make you do crazy things.
But no situation
will ever seem crazy,
because I have a valid
reason:

You.


a.m.

I hate that moment where
all of a sudden, sadness
hits you like a ton of bricks --
envelopes itself around
you like a cocoon
until it's so tight
you can't get out

It starts to smother you,
drown you,
fill you with thoughts
and images you tried
so hard to forget

If it gets bad enough,
the thoughts will taunt
you until you want to
claw at your flesh
and rip your hair out
one by one

and that is the worst
sadness of all --
one that happens
when it's least welcomed
for no reason at all

(a.l.m)

Don't be fooled by the face I wear,
For it is nothing but a mask.
My mask is a covering, a hiding place
And beneath it is my true self.

Pretending is what I do for a living,
It is my second nature,
But please darling, don't be fooled
By how well I am hidden.

I give you the impression that I am okay,
The smile on my face and the blush on my cheeks
Says it all.
I give you the impression that I am happy,
That everything is great and beautiful in the world
And that I am truly invincible.
But please darling, don't be fooled
By what is hiding underneath.

I panic at the thought that I could be exposed
And this is what makes me hide.
This is why I am afraid.
The fear builds up inside me
Like tall brick walls.

My feelings shall forever be shielded
By the walls in which are built in my mind.
Only you can tear down those walls
With strong, but gentle hands.

What I crave is love,
But most of all acceptance
For who I am.
I need to know that I am worth something
But I cannot assure myself of that feeling.


I want to tell you.
I want you to listen
I want to pour my heart out to you.
I want to cry while your arms are tightly holding me
Assuring me that everything will be okay,
But I cannot. I don't dare to.

The thing is, I don't like hiding behind the mask.
I don't like the image that it sends,
Of how happy I am, how I am brave
And confident and completely sure of myself.
I need you to see the real me,
Beneath the mask.

I am afraid that you will think less of me
And doubt who I have become.
But first, you must help.
Guide me with your gentle touch
And your presence.
Lead me to a better place,
One that exists without judgement
And one with praise and acceptance.

Can you do that for me?
It is all I ask of you.
And for God's sake,
Please darling, don't be fooled.

we dug our toes
in the sand
and lie on
our backs
as the thick
palm trees
blow in the
earth's breath.

children laugh
and run as the
cool blue sea
calls their name.

and there
we continue
to lie
under the
bright smiling
sun
as the clouds
glide overhead.

Here she lies, trapped in her own mind,

a constant battle of the bad and the kind.

He fights inside of her, wanting to be free.

But it is only she who sees

him, on the inside of her soul.

Without him, she is not whole.

She truly hates him

she finds him a sin,

but no matter what she does,

she'll never be the person she once was.

He lives inside of her, controls her, fights her,

She tries to find him, but all she sees is a blur.

Sometimes, she makes out his blonde hair and blue eyes,

but finds it is simply just a disguise

of the man he really is.

He is her and she is him.

He's trapped inside and will live there forever;

she believes he will never forget her.

the sound of smooth jazz
sheets the room with ****** passions
that dance heavily across
the crowd.
and through the utter thickness
of a blaring saxophone
and the delicate taps of a piano's keys,
I clutch to your tummy
and lie my head on your chest.
your arm is draped gently
around my shoulders
as you snap your fingers
to the tune.
my fingers find the way to
the soft pieces of hair behind your neck
and trail down your skin,
all the way down to your shirt.
as the music surrounds me
and fills me with great desire
to touch you
(and for you to touch me)
I slowly undo the buttons,
one by one.
I leave fragile kisses
on your cheeks,
neck,
cool skin,
and let my fingertips
glide across your arms.
what could be better than
being here beside you -
enchanting music traveling through
our ears, through our veins,
and into our hearts?
what could be better
than spending this moment
with you?

*a.m.

one day i will wake
up right beside you
as we lie under the thin sheets
that smell like cotton and lavender,
illuminated by the bright
morning sun,
under the sky that shines
with billions of intricate diamonds.

i will be awoken by your kisses
that sting across my collarbones,
by your sweet crooked smile
that glows brightly in the day,
by your gentle arms
as they engulf me in love
and passion.

my life will be
right before my eyes;
you, you are the one
that's stolen my heart forever and always.


a.m.

if i look out my window,
you can see
how hard the sky
is crying,
see the pain mixed
with ugly dark greys,
blacks, and a few patches
of white

(it makes me think
of how lonely I really am,
of how much I miss you)

but then i look down
and sniff your jacket,
the one that smells exactly like
you,
so much that it's dripping
in your unique scent

(and then i remember
that maybe i'm not
so alone
after all)

tell me you love me.

whisper it into my neck
and keep it mustered there
forever.

breathe it into me
after each gentle kiss.

let it dance across
my body.

let it shower
me in warmth.

make it your last
delicate, breath.

just please,
tell me you love me.


a.m.

I stroll through the halls,

surrounded by boring beige walls.

Students pass by

and don't even wonder why

I'm so down,

or why my smile has turned into a frown.

But it's not like they care.

All they do is stare

in my direction.

I shield myself for dear protection.

They know I'm different.

It's almost like they can feel it.

She's not one of us, they say,

We have to make her suffer and pay.

They shout words at me left and right,

trying to scare me and cause fright.

My eyes water until I can no longer see

the pain that is being lashed at me.

I run into the bathroom and lock myself in a stall.

They once saw me rise; now they see me fall.

I cry into my blotchy hands until I can take no more.

I scream and shout, and kick the door.

The lock breaks from the impact of my shoe.

The girl that walks in doesn't have a clue

that I'm behind this bathroom door,

crying because I can't take anymore.

My whimpers and cries

no longer hide my disguise.

I am weak.

A loser, so to speak.

a.m.

my blood-shot eyes
send salty waves
rushing down my
newly-reddened cheeks.
they are enough
to fill my entire
body with
something other
than emptiness.
but somehow,
this is much worse;
a feeling of
never-ending dread
and ravishing sorrow.
the flowers you have
planted in the
emptiest parts of me
are now wilting,
each individual petal
falling endlessly
to the ground,
only to burn
and turn into ash
once again.

(alm)

It's strange
to think about
that you are my best friend
and that you are the one who's always
stood by me through it all, because
a lot of people tend to drift away
from there parents in this age,
but I am so grateful and blessed
to have you in my life because
mother, you are my angel,
always by me through thick and thin,
and I love you with
all the love a
child can
give.

a.m.

dear writers block,
*******

a.m.