I know I've been telling you
that I'm ready for it,
that he's my true love
and I wouldn't want it
with anyone else.

(but maybe I'm
not ready)

I keep thinking of ***
and what it really means.
how it's not just about
having fun
or feeling good

You have to feel it
inside of you:
in your heart
and bones
and veins
and soul.

You have to be confident
that that's what you really want,
and that you want to be
with that person forever.

(This, I don't doubt;
I love him with all my heart)

But what scares me the most
is how he'll react to my body:

The body i find imperfect,
with so many flaws
it's easy to lose track.
Too-large *******,
Not skinny enough,
or that birthmark
on my right thigh.

What will he think
once he sees this?
This shame of a body?

Will he run and hide
in fear?
Tell me how disgusting
I am?

In my mind, i know
he won't do those things.
But I can't help

but fear
the worst
because of what my own
self-image
and lack of confidence
has done to me


a.m.

I realized
The only time I'm actually happy -
No, not the "fake" kind of happy,
Where I wear a fabricated smile as snug
As my favorite sweater -
Really happy;
The one where my smile is real
And shining so bright
It competes with the sun,
Where everything bundled up
Inside of me is relying on
My solid beating heart -

Is when I'm
With you

So, baby,
Please don't go.
Don't leave my fragile heart
Shattered into bits
I can't piece back together.
Don't make my glowing smile
Turn into a frown so low
People can see my pain.
No matter how hard it gets
Or how stubborn I become,

Please
d o n ' t  l e a v e

a.m.

lying in a field of dandelions
with our chests rising and falling
in the cool summer breeze

watching the clouds drift away
skin to skin
with my head resting upon your chest
listening to your steady heart beats
ba boom, ba boom, ba boom
against your rib cage

kissing so gently you could mistaken
it for a soft flutter of a butterfly's wing
my skin tingles with delight
and my body radiates with glee

what could be better than lying here
with my soul mate?
i couldn't picture anything in the universe
that could be more fulfilling
than hearing your strong breaths,
hushed whispers,
chest beating rapidly

with the hope
of what's to come


a.m.

sometimes you say things
without meaning to

and your words
get tangled on your tongue

and what comes out
is something you didn't mean

but although it hurts,
i just push it away

i never mention
how what you said has affected me

because you'll probably think
it's no big deal

so i just zip my lips
and purse them tightly

to hold in the words
i don't dare say

and bury them deep inside
my rib cage


a.m.