i thought of him
and those hands
and that beard
dear god, he is ecstasy.

i thought of that laugh
and that smile
and those blue, blue eyes.
i cannot get enough.

the thought of his tie
and those lips
and the way he sticks out his tongue.
i sure would like a taste of him.

i thought about him
and his brain
and about what he thinks about,
maybe he thinks of me?

he must think of me,
he gives me gifts
and tells me he loves me.
doesn't that mean he cares?

maybe i'll never know.

she asked me specifically,
"do you have feelings for him?"
i laughed and said no.
he probably sees me as a daughter,
nothing more.
but, when i went to sleep that night,
i dreamt of him.
some of it was physical,
but, most of it was just us
talking.

talking about physics and
laughing at jokes and then
him accidentally touching my thigh
when laughing and then me looking
up at him, giving him that knowing look
saying, "i want you, all of you."
and then we just... kiss.

i think the sweetest part of the dream
was the moment before our lips touched.
the heat between us, the smile that slipped onto his
lips and the way i leaned to my right.
you could sense the hesitation, but you could
feel the complete desire emanating from the both of us.

i remember waking up that saturday morning.
i touched my lips and still felt the warmth there.
the dream felt so real. and maybe one day it will be.
but, is that what i really want?

i remember him giving me advice:
when i find someone i love, remember to double check and see if he is the one you want to wake up next to in the morning and live the rest of your life with.
i remember picturing mike... not him.
but, mike always be my first love. the one true love that i really could
never ever reach.

i guess since i have to ask if he is what i really want, means that i don't.
i guess i just... i just don't really even know.

should have
tilted my head  
                             up
                            
                             ^^

What comes to mind when i
hear the word bitter
is you.

You are bitter.
Not even bittersweet.
Just bitter.
The way I love you and
The way you don't even notice me.
The way I get so excited to see you
and how you push me out of the way.

You are bitter.
*So bitter.

I came in like a child.
You didn't notice me as I
threw colored markers towards your desk.
You smiled, pulled down your glasses slightly and said,
"Whoever you are, do know that I am licensed to ****."
And I couldn't help but giggle and pop out from behind the door.
He smiled and I walked over to him, slightly touching the things on his desk,
and just asking how he was, to which he said he was "terrible".
I asked why but then I realized how busy he seemed so I said,
"I am so sorry, you seem busy. I'll come by later."
And as I walked away he stopped me and said,
"Rach, you aren't doing anything wrong. I just... I have a lot of work to get done and having you around is wonderful, but I tend to get... distracted. Do come by later though, Alright?"
And I smiled and said of course.

I left, not sure of how to feel. I didn't expect to get into a big conversation or anything, but
I just kind of... Missed him.

Maybe the feeling is right... maybe it is wrong. But, what am I even feeling?

i bring out the child in him.
you'd think by the way he shoots nerf gun bullets at me,
that he would have pierced my heart earlier in the year.
but, he grew on me with his childish smirk and those blue eyes.
when he sips the green tea out of the cup i gave him my lip quivers.
when he says my name my heart stops just as quickly as it started.
when he tells me that i am pretty and that i am worth so much more,
what does he mean?

are the gifts just a coincidence?
are the nice words just nice words?
is everything i am feeling even real?

the moment you realize
that you **** everything up
from friends to your body to
even the ones you love the most.
that my dear, is what growing up is like.
the feeling of worthlessness and complete
and utter failure is my life cycle.
constantly going from good to bad
in a matter of seconds,
i am a real life interpretation of the word "Failure".

i cant even email my teacher anymore,
because i am seen as "treated special"
and her "favorite". what the hell?
all i am saying is, if a teacher told,
i can understand. but,
if a student told?

ill ******* rip their head off.

rant done

i think ive fooled everyone.
they all believe im happy.
that my laughter and smiles are real.
and yes, sometimes they are...
but, id rather see the blades and the blood.
and the real smile that creeps onto my face as
i press d
               o
                  w
                      n
into my skin and the vein opens up
and the blood starts pouring out.

i see myself doing this every night.
i know one day that i am bound to relapse.
i know that one day i wont be able to take it anymore.
i know that i probably am a bit crazy... probably even on the verge of psychopathy/sociopathy...
but, i am trying. i am trying to stop and i guess thats all that matters.

sometimes i believe that i should've killed myself last year,
but then i remember that i wouldn't have met half of the people that
i have come to love today.

society said no;
      i let go.