I've never been able to fully comprehend the depths of loneliness until I finally decided to encage myself in this room filled with my absent creativity and the crumpled up pages of my own thoughts filled around me.
nor did I ever believe in the demons from the twisted fairy tails or the monsters from the scary cartoons until I came to the realization that I've been looking in all the wrong places all along;
they're inside of me, apart of me
and there are days where I am the predator and they are the prey
and I am constantly chasing them away from the canals of my slow-beating heart
but I am also the prey and they become the predator and I swear I can feel them watching me and waiting patiently for me to take just one step in the wrong direction
and before I realize what I've just begun, it's already over and I'm pinned to the ground with hands wrapped around my neck.
and suddenly I can't breathe and I struggle as I gasp for just one more breath,
but then reality hits me and I find myself leaning against my bed frame with my hair falling across my face, papers scattered across the floor, dreams lost in the cracks of my wooden floors.
but I don't cry.
I sit there dry-eyed with my hands wrapped around myself and I slowly begin to deteriorate into the state of nothingness that I will currently and always remain.
and I see the hands of the predators reaching in to try and grab me and take me yet I don't fight it anymore. I've become accustomed to their icy touch and crooked smiles.
and that's when the emotions stop and I begin to empty myself so I would feel nothing, when all I ever wanted was to just feel okay.
so god someone help me, I'm beginning to lose the concept of what's real or what's just apart of my ruthless imagination.
and I'm not sure where I'd rather be anymore.
a.c.

As a kid I was warned you go by very quickly,
though I never believed the ideas they put inside my head
I felt like all I had was you, nothing but time
to find who I am in this world
Help me, I'm lost and running out of you
Is there any way you can slow down?
I can't help but regret wasting my days
by doing absolutely nothing at all
besides question my purpose in this world
If I all I do is procrastinate and stress
maybe the procrastination is causing my stress?
Or am I just lacking time that I believed I had?
You're nimble, I hardly ever notice you go
Are you running from something?
You seem to be moving quicker and quicker
Slipping out from underneath me,
to never be retrieved again
Some day came suddenly,
and now I'm standing here.

Remember that time I thought it would be a good idea to bring our dog to a firework show? Then she got scared and ran off in the night? I thought you'd be mad, but you weren't.
and remember that time we were uprooted from our home and placed with our dad? and then we lost everything, for his selfish wants? I thought you would run, but you didn't.
Then the next week we came home 10 minutes late, and they yelled at us all night? I thought you were going to scream, but you didn't.
and remember when he beat you? out of anger, he laid the blows on you. I thought you would fight back, but you didn't.

and remember when you promised you'd never leave me?
I thought you would come back,
but you never did.
a.c.

i wish
                                 tick
that I could
                                               tock
cherish my days
                               tick
instead of
                                                   tock
wishing that
                          tick
i would one

day soon
                                               tock
perish.


tick-tock
a.c.

our body starts off as a plain canvas
and as we grow up in life
it begins to be filled
with new stories and ideas
by a stretch mark
or a scar

beautiful may not be the right word for a scar
a better word would be unique


have you ever met someone with the exact same mark?

roses are red
violets are blue
i've never lost someone
quite like you

today i lost my other half
one of the reasons why I'm alive
because I wasn't getting better
and my happiness wouldn't revive

the roses are crushed
the violets are gone
just like my heart

I always said I wasn't strong
a.c

Teenage girl, lost in the world
asked her little brother if she could borrow his pencil sharpener
"*****, aren't you a little old for coloring?" He teased and gave her the sharpener.
With a faint smile she replied: "Maybe, but I like the color red."

a.c.

I saw you again.
last night you haunted my dreams
with that cocky smile of yours
and sarcastic attitude
I remember when we were friends
and you were like me;
lost, and hurt.
only you chose to be that way for a guy
and I didn't blame you.
I never did.
but, I tried to tell you that he was toxic
sometimes you'd believe me
others, you were too in love.
it's a crazy kind of love, isn't it?
but.. eventually we grew up.
and you left him and went off to college
while I'm still here, lost, and hurt.
I tried my best to talk to you
but you found new people
people that didn't have problems like me
and you left me.
sometimes I wonder if our bond meant anything to you.
the nights we spent convincing the other that we'd make it through
and maybe one day we'd rule the world
and sometimes I wonder

if it even hurt you.

..i miss you.
a.c

have you ever lost someone?

not as in they passed away but as in they found someone better
or they simply just couldn't take you anymore
and they leave you on that cliff to fall
and eventually you do and you know you're going to die
and as you
p
  l
    u
       m
          m
              e
                 t
to your unforeseen death
but when it hits you you're still alive
you're still breathing
but everything about you hurts.
the way you look to the way you feel
the way your eyes stopped sparkling with you talk about your passions
to the way your lips mutter the words that use to have meaning
and you find yourself here
in this filled notebook with your thoughts and ideas
and the words that are brought to life on the paper
hurt you to see what you've created inside
to what your wrist has formed
and all you can think about is what you did wrong
people question as to why you lose yourself
over a friend
but maybe that friend had more meaning than the white crayon
maybe they meant as much as your first dollar or your brother's old baseball cards

and you begin to realize that as you lose yourself
on this page

your friend doesn't.
a.c.

i'm frightened
by everything you do
whether you it be opening your mouth to speak
or walking down the hall towards me
your actions make me nervous
so nervous that I begin to tear at my nails
or tap my pen frequently on the table
I feel my body begin to shake
but I refuse to show it;
how much you've scarred me
I cringe when you lift a hand
I bite my lips when you yell at me blindly
the other part of me thinks of ways
ways that you'd hurt me
maybe a out of hand argument
or a reckless but intentional car accident
i don't know when it became this way
all I know is that;
i'm frightened
not only by you

but me, too.

it's always been a stupid dream, hasn't it?
i can't help but find myself thinking about that day, if i could've possibly changed anything.
who would i be on this day, if none of this ever happened?
would i know suffering, would i even have scars? or what if you two never separated, that our family remained pure and whole?
maybe things were meant to happen for a reason but, what was the reason?
everyday is a constant battle between my heart and my head and i can't seem to escape from the demons taking refugee inside of me.
i am constantly searching for the way out but always end up short as they grab me and hush my lips so i can't scream.
they whisper that i cannot leave, that i am nothing more than a mere palette waiting to shed red.
they create a giant void that can never be filled and they tear down the walls that i have sheltered myself in.
i scream but nothing seems to come out;
what is wrong with me? who am i really? everyone says it's only temporary, that i have to wait it out and it'll all be over soon.
it won't, will it? who will i turn into?
will i seek out the revenge i deserve to inflict on you for keeping me hostage here, or be compassionate and **** you with kindness?
stop searching hell for demons

they've been inside you all along.
a.c.

it's happening again

the demons are rustling inside of me
they itch at my skin and tear at my existence
the temptations to relapse are growing larger
& sometimes I see no purpose in resisting
they tell me to do bad things
& I tell myself not to believe them
but when a living demon is your father

*it's hard not to.

When your mom said she was going out on a date, it was the color of her cheeks.
When she got home, it was the color of the joyous emotion in the room.
When he bought her flowers, it was the color of the roses.
When you watched your mom re-married, it was the color of her lips.
When you saw them kiss, it was the color of their faces.
When you saw him hit her, it was the color of his fists.
When you watched her cry, it was the color of your anger.
When you tried to protect her, it was the color of your blood on the floor.
When she yelled at him to stop, it was the color of her tone.
When he decided to leave, it was the color of his car he left in.
When she stared at the door, it was the opposite color of her soul.

When I awoke, it was only the color of my nightmares.
a.c.

it's sunny, and about a crisp 45 degrees today
the birds are out, chirping and singing
the children make their way to school
& I sit here, everyday
calculating since day one
today is day 1,398
& 820 more until I'm allowed to leave
820 more days of your yelling
820 more days of your arguing

820 more days until I can see you.

to whom this may concern,
daddy and fake mommy like to pick on me a lot
you're in track, you should be losing weight, not maintaing it
maybe you should wear make up, that face is unbearable

they say that I'm inconsiderate and ungrateful of everything I have
but really I don't have anything
I have myself, but even I am lost in my mind

I view myself as inferior, as if I am the black sheep in the herd of pure white ones
everyday I wake up feeling like I'm the spitting image of death, and sometimes I wish I was
sometimes I look in my mirror
& I see your eyes staring back at me
one of the only things you ever gave me, besides your last name.

to whom it may concern,
is anyone even concerned?

a.c.

we live in a world where creativity is shunned
& the freedom of expression is silenced
we live in a world where kids are afraid to be themselves
because of the stereotype that defines them
we live in a world where you cannot create yourself
for society already has your definition
we live in a world where peace and happiness does exist
along with pain and sorrow
we live in a world where people have learned to hate themselves
because society & media tell them to
we live in a world where the saying about sticks & stones
is actually a nightmare in disguise
we live in a world
where even I am afraid to wake up.
a.c.

The ones who see only the beauty in a sunny day,
have never seen the way rain hits the leaves on a simple tree.

when she was six
her father told her
to stay inside
& not ride her bike
she didn't listen
& broke her wrist
her father said to do what she was told
from now on

when she was eleven
her father told her to go to sleep
she didn't listen
& stayed up listening to her parent's fight all night
she came out of her room
& pleaded them to stop fighting
he told her that she was the reason they were
& to go back to sleep
like I told you to

when she was thirteen
her father told her to stop cutting
she didn't listen
& continued to make more scars
her father lied saying they were accidents
to any & every social services worker
he beat her
for not listening

when she was sixteen
her father told her to just
**** herself & leave him alone
she decided to listen
& finally took the pills when he wasn't looking
leaving a note that said

"I finally listened."
a.c.

you

it's been awhile since I've written
have you missed me?
your song came on the radio today
I couldn't help but smile at the memories that invaded my thoughts
we used to sing along to it, not caring who heard
karaoke, covers, or just even listening to it in silence
you used to smile when I joined in with you
you used to say I had an angelic voice
which I never believed, I hated my voice
you would yell at me & say your voice is fine
& to ignore the insults, that none of them were true
where did you go?
I thought there was nothing wrong with you
but there was.
I thought you wouldn't  leave me here
but you did.
i miss you, brother.
a.c.

blurry but your eyes still function
lost but you haven't left
frightened but there's nothing there
drowning but everyone else can breathe
rotting but you're perfectly healthy
living but not alive
awake but always asleep

it's foggy but they called for clear skies.
a.c.

I'm not o k a y
they tell me I'm not
they say you're not worth it, that you should give up
everyday is a nightmare
I live in the shadow of physical
& softly hum the words of verbal
I'm l o s t in the past of alcohol & pain
I'm l o s t in the present of blades & emptiness
I'm l o s t in the future of life or death
I'm intoxicated on pain & high on the nightmares
I'm lost inside of myself
I choose not to give up because I'm afraid of falling back down
whats the point of leaving if you're already here?
eventually,

maybe.
a.c.

we are the people our parents warned us about
in all the bedtimes stories & fairytales
we are the ones who judge a book by it's cover
& not its content
we are the ones that distort the reflection in the mirror
we are the ones who stopped checking for the monsters underneath our beds when we realized they were inside of us all along
we are the one called

society
a.c.

since day one, I was the one who made friends easily
I was the one who never had you at hello
I was the one who would always have your back
I was the one with the loudest laugh & the brightest smile
I was the one afraid of commitment because of my past
I was the one you made me open up to
I was the one who told you my story
I was the one who made you cry
I was the one you eventually forgot about, leaving me behind
I was the one who had you at

goodbye
a.c.

you can make a home in my heart
I won't ever require rent
dust off the cobwebs that rest around the edges
you might want to turn up the heater
it's cold, inside here
excuse the mess, it's been awhile since anyone has been here
don't mind the shadows, they won't harm you
you won't ever have trouble falling asleep
my heart will softly sing a lullaby
the beats slowly changing tempo
I only ask that
while you're inside here
you'll make sure the lullaby never stops
a.c.

lovely things

the way morning dew sprinkles itself on freshly planted roses
the way someone smiles when they haven't in ages
the way a butterfly silently ***** through the wind making its way to who knows where
the way freshly dried clothes feel on a cold body
the laughter of someone who means the world to you
the feeling after a long nap in the day
the sound of trickling rain on your window
the way compliments flow off of someone's lips and touches your heart
the feeling of success after many failures and fall downs
the feeling of someone who has your back
typewriters
leather journals
freshly polished fingernails
moms
the way your friend keeps messing up when typing
the typos in something freshly written
the smell of bounce
freshly cut grass on a cool morning
the way we believe in 11:11
rough handwriting in cursive
meaningful thank you notes
secret admirers

you

& she was steadly losing happiness
    the demons began to flood her mind
& her grades began to fall
    from As to Cs
& her perseverance was weak
    she struggled to fight back
& she became lost
    trapped in her mind without a compass
& she began to fall apart
    piece by precious piece

& her happiness is gone
    the demons rule & the emptiness commands
& her grades were at a all time low
     she failed her classes
& her perseverance failed
    she gets up just to fall back down
& she is lost
    the path is foggy & she can't see
& she fell apart
    it was too late to save her

she's already consumed
a.c.

miracle workers, they are
tiny capsules full of healing
some would find it strange
that such a gift
can be reversed into such a deadly item
an item of escape
but also an item that is strongly relied on
by everyone who seeks out help
but also the ones whose help never seems to come
the ones who tried but eventually caved in
the ones who relied on the pills to take away the pain
forever, not temporary
the ones who finished the bottle; collapsed on the floor
planning to never see the light of this cruel world
with their own empty irises again
to be awakened
surrounded by doctors
unconsciously hearing,
"we managed to flush the pills"
"she/he is safe for now"
they'll diagnose you as depressed & suicidal
as if it wasn't obvious before
then they'll prescribe anti-depressants
which I find is a huge contradiction
that you give a person who doesn't want to live in this broken world

just another escape out of here.
a.c.

you awaken in an unfamilar place
it's smells of bleach & latex
where are you?
you see your family
surrounding a bed
with a girl whose body has taken refuge on
she looks weak
her skin is pale
why does she look so familar?
your mother has her head in her hands
she can't stop crying & whispering, "it's my fault."
you try to comfort her, but you seem to go right through her
nobody seems to notice you
your dad sits alone
across the room from your mother
they don't comfort each other
they never loved each other
a doctor comes inside the room
your parents stand up & rush over to him
he says it was too late to save her
too late to flush out the pills
she was already gone
that's when it hits you,
hard.
the girl isn't a familar face, shes you
you couldn't take it, you finished the bottle
& you said you had no regrets.
you try to take it all back
but darling, it's far too late

you're already gone.
a.c.

a demon has taken refuge in my heart
he doesn't tell me his name
so I call him Parasite
he lies to me & says
he's all I need to survive
he's a black hole
a never-ending void
no matter what goes in
whether it be anti-depressants
or just a kind hello at the local grocery store
he can never be filled
I fill it & fill it & fill it
but in the end it's only temporary
he takes everything in  
& throws it away
as if it never meant anything
as if the average human doesn't need happiness to remain healthy
as if good times are a poisonous gas
he rids of them all
& says I don't need it

& then he begins to tear at my existence
a.c.

mommy, daddy, come look
I painted a picture
of bro, you two, and me
don't we look happy?
we're such a perfect family

mommy, daddy, come look
I painted a picture
of my mommy & daddy getting back together
it's beautiful, isn't it?
can this happen?
we can be such a perfect family

daddy, come look
I painted a picture
of how I miss living with mommy
can I move back, daddy?
why do you keep me here?

mommy, come look
I painted a picture
of how daddy & new mommy treat me
their words hurt but maybe they don't mean it
maybe it was just an accident

mommy, daddy, come look
I painted a picture
without a pen or paper
instead with a blade & my skin
isn't it beautiful?
I only seem to have red paint, though
I hope you like it, daddy
after all,

you were my inspiration.
a.c.

cheers to the teenage years
cheers to the years with the crazy thoughts
cheers to the years where you feel as if you're not worth it
cheers to the people who keep us going
cheers to the ones who never quit
cheers to falling under the pressure
cheers to the kids with a broken family
cheers to the kids who act grown up
cheers to the kids who choose not to be themselves because they fear of the judgement
& keep themselves smiling to please the faces that haunt them
cheers to all these confusing years

that seem to never end.
a.c. & s.n

I am the broken pocket watch you never fixed
I am the wrapping paper everyone eventually throws away
I am the paper you lecture your feelings on
I am the platte but I only seem to have red paint
I am the page in your favorite book that you skipped over because I wasn't important enough
I am the unread poem you never bothered to check out
I am the map you forgot to bring and left behind
I am the girl with peacock eyes who never seems to cry
I am the child with no fears except herself and you
I am the daughter you called sweetie and you're the one I called daddy

I am the one you said you'd never hurt.
a.c.

daddy daddy, where are you going?
I turned three today, are you happy?
are you leaving just for a minute?
why did you pack your stuff?
daddy, can you hear me?

daddy daddy, it's so good to see you
it's been forever since I last have
I'm sorry I ******* up daddy
hopefully you can forgive me
daddy, are you there?

daddy daddy, why did you re-marry?
who is this lady, she seems scary
did you even love mom, daddy?
was I just a mistake, daddy?
daddy, where are you?

daddy daddy, why do I have to live here?
I thought you wanted us to be happy
I thought you wanted what was best
I'm not happy
this wasn't the best
daddy, will you let us go?

daddy daddy, why do you insult me?
what did I do, daddy?
why don't you love me anymore?
did you ever even love me, daddy?
please tell your wife to stop
please tell yourself to stop
these words hurt, daddy
I'm starting to believe they're true
daddy, will you please stop?

daddy daddy, why did you look away?
you saw the scars that I created
aren't you happy?
isn't that what you wanted, daddy?
I'm sorry about the pills, daddy
but you made me feel so worthless,
I do what you always do with worthless things
I tried to throw myself out
daddy, are you even listening?

a.c.

she has such the brightest smile
she's always smiling
her joyous expression takes the attention away
from those tired eyes
those sorrowful sea colored irises
as if the ocean circled & surrounded her pupils
showering them with the hue of cerulean
on the inside she's lost
she feels nothing but emptiness & pain
on the inside she's a living corpse
there's a difference of being alive & living
this girl,
she's living without a will
a.c.

good morning, darling
I'm sorry I missed your texts; I was asleep
I messaged you back, though
a total of 15 times
15 dead lines
did you break your promise, friend?
you're scaring me, you're not answering
"I'm done. I love you."

was that your last message?
a.c.

everyday I apply the faded mask of mine
it shows I'm happy & nothing is wrong with me
then when I'm alone
the sadness begins to manifest
& I swear I can feel every inch of it
crawling up my spine; sending chills with every touch
my ears ring at the sound of the deafening silence
the demons in my head begin to take over
killing my motives & dreams
& replacing them with threats & nightmares
I try not to let them get to me
but in the end,
they always win
*a.c.

dear director,
I seem to have lost my way
do you have anything to help?
a map, or maybe a compass?
I seem to be running off course
plummeting into a state of sadness
& crashing into the feeling of
absolute emptiness
I can't quite explain how I feel
I feel as if I'm here
but at the same time I feel as if
maybe I'm already gone
maybe I already fell into oblivion
& I'm just reliving the moments
up until my final rest
my final sigh in life
all moments seem to gather together
to create that final breath
maybe I'll be content
resting on my death bed
slowly fading until nothing is there
to hold onto anymore
then we just slip
into the darkness
& we never wake
director, what happens after?
a.c.

little girl, little girl, why do you cry?
you're only three; it shouldn't be hard
mommy & daddy just need a break
don't worry, everything will be fine
in time

little girl, little girl, where's your smile?
you're nine years old; you should be
happy & enjoying childhood
mommy & new daddy are just having another disagreement
don't worry, everything will be fine
in time

little girl, little girl, why do you hide?
you're ten years old; you shouldn't be afraid of him
new daddy is just grabbing a drink
he wont hurt you when he's sober
don't worry, everything will be fine
in time

little girl, little girl, why do you run?
you're eleven, you should stand up for yourself
new daddy didn't mean to hit you or your mom, it was just an accident
& daddy didn't mean to ruin your life
it just seemed to happen after
he took you away forever
don't worry, everything will be fine
in time

little girl, little girl, why don't you speak?
you're twelve years old; you should have a say about who you are
daddy & new mommy are just
"disciplining you", don't take the insults personal, darling
don't worry, everything will be fine
in time

little girl, little girl, why don't you understand?
you're thirteen; you should be a big girl now
big brother is only doing what's best
for him & mom
you'll be okay on your own
don't worry, everything will be fine
in time

little girl, little girl, why do you harm?
you're fourteen; you should be strong
daddy & new mommy are just angry
& having a bad day today
they didn't mean it when they called
you worthless, did they?
don't be mad at mommy for what happened when she was with
new daddy
if she didn't abort the baby
you & her wouldn't be here right now
your little brother or sister
wasn't allowed to grow
but maybe she did what was right
don't worry, everything will be fine
in time

little girl, little girl, where did you go?        
you're fifteen; stop being so pitiful
words don't hurt, right?
that's what everyone said, right?
how new are your scars, darling?
you must feel terrible
now that your parents know
you're good at hiding the pain
almost too good
thoughts of suicide & scars of
self-harm; you're one of a kind
why did you try to leave?
why are so you depressed?
why are you always asleep?
little girl, are you even listening?
don't worry, the worst has passed

you're already lost.
a.c.