since day one, I was the one who made friends easily
I was the one who never had you at hello
I was the one who would always have your back
I was the one with the loudest laugh & the brightest smile
I was the one afraid of commitment because of my past
I was the one you made me open up to
I was the one who told you my story
I was the one who made you cry
I was the one you eventually forgot about, leaving me behind
I was the one who had you at

goodbye
a.c.

you can make a home in my heart
I won't ever require rent
dust off the cobwebs that rest around the edges
you might want to turn up the heater
it's cold, inside here
excuse the mess, it's been awhile since anyone has been here
don't mind the shadows, they won't harm you
you won't ever have trouble falling asleep
my heart will softly sing a lullaby
the beats slowly changing tempo
I only ask that
while you're inside here
you'll make sure the lullaby never stops
a.c.

lovely things

the way morning dew sprinkles itself on freshly planted roses
the way someone smiles when they haven't in ages
the way a butterfly silently ***** through the wind making its way to who knows where
the way freshly dried clothes feel on a cold body
the laughter of someone who means the world to you
the feeling after a long nap in the day
the sound of trickling rain on your window
the way compliments flow off of someone's lips and touches your heart
the feeling of success after many failures and fall downs
the feeling of someone who has your back
typewriters
leather journals
freshly polished fingernails
moms
the way your friend keeps messing up when typing
the typos in something freshly written
the smell of bounce
freshly cut grass on a cool morning
the way we believe in 11:11
rough handwriting in cursive
meaningful thank you notes
secret admirers

you

& she was steadly losing happiness
    the demons began to flood her mind
& her grades began to fall
    from As to Cs
& her perseverance was weak
    she struggled to fight back
& she became lost
    trapped in her mind without a compass
& she began to fall apart
    piece by precious piece

& her happiness is gone
    the demons rule & the emptiness commands
& her grades were at a all time low
     she failed her classes
& her perseverance failed
    she gets up just to fall back down
& she is lost
    the path is foggy & she can't see
& she fell apart
    it was too late to save her

she's already consumed
a.c.

miracle workers, they are
tiny capsules full of healing
some would find it strange
that such a gift
can be reversed into such a deadly item
an item of escape
but also an item that is strongly relied on
by everyone who seeks out help
but also the ones whose help never seems to come
the ones who tried but eventually caved in
the ones who relied on the pills to take away the pain
forever, not temporary
the ones who finished the bottle; collapsed on the floor
planning to never see the light of this cruel world
with their own empty irises again
to be awakened
surrounded by doctors
unconsciously hearing,
"we managed to flush the pills"
"she/he is safe for now"
they'll diagnose you as depressed & suicidal
as if it wasn't obvious before
then they'll prescribe anti-depressants
which I find is a huge contradiction
that you give a person who doesn't want to live in this broken world

just another escape out of here.
a.c.

you awaken in an unfamilar place
it's smells of bleach & latex
where are you?
you see your family
surrounding a bed
with a girl whose body has taken refuge on
she looks weak
her skin is pale
why does she look so familar?
your mother has her head in her hands
she can't stop crying & whispering, "it's my fault."
you try to comfort her, but you seem to go right through her
nobody seems to notice you
your dad sits alone
across the room from your mother
they don't comfort each other
they never loved each other
a doctor comes inside the room
your parents stand up & rush over to him
he says it was too late to save her
too late to flush out the pills
she was already gone
that's when it hits you,
hard.
the girl isn't a familar face, shes you
you couldn't take it, you finished the bottle
& you said you had no regrets.
you try to take it all back
but darling, it's far too late

you're already gone.
a.c.

a demon has taken refuge in my heart
he doesn't tell me his name
so I call him Parasite
he lies to me & says
he's all I need to survive
he's a black hole
a never-ending void
no matter what goes in
whether it be anti-depressants
or just a kind hello at the local grocery store
he can never be filled
I fill it & fill it & fill it
but in the end it's only temporary
he takes everything in  
& throws it away
as if it never meant anything
as if the average human doesn't need happiness to remain healthy
as if good times are a poisonous gas
he rids of them all
& says I don't need it

& then he begins to tear at my existence
a.c.