Ashley

Ashley Sep 2013

mommy, daddy, come look
I painted a picture
of bro, you two, and me
don't we look happy?
we're such a perfect family

mommy, daddy, come look
I painted a picture
of my mommy & daddy getting back together
it's beautiful, isn't it?
can this happen?
we can be such a perfect family

daddy, come look
I painted a picture
of how I miss living with mommy
can I move back, daddy?
why do you keep me here?

mommy, come look
I painted a picture
of how daddy & new mommy treat me
their words hurt but maybe they don't mean it
maybe it was just an accident

mommy, daddy, come look
I painted a picture
without a pen or paper
instead with a blade & my skin
isn't it beautiful?
I only seem to have red paint, though
I hope you like it, daddy
after all,

you were my inspiration.
a.c.

Ashley Sep 2013

ungranted wishes

when I was three years old
    I wished on a shooting star that
daddy and mommy would stop yelling
that they would stop hurting and love

    when I was eight years old
I wished on a broken wishbone that
mommy and daddy would fall in love
that they wouldn't dwell on the past

     when I was nine years old
I wished on a swaying dandelion that
mommy would marry this new daddy
and they would never hurt each other

  when I was ten years old
I wished on pretty birthday candles
that new daddy would stop drinking
and that mommy would stop loving this man only for his sober side of life

   when I was eleven years old
    I wished on loose eyelashes that
daddy would give us back to mommy
and wouldn't force us to live with him

   when I was twelve years old
  I wished on a vintage wishing well
that daddy and his wife would stop
picking at my flaws like futile weeds

    when I was thirteen years old
    I wished on a weightless feather
   that my brother wouldn't leave me
  alone with daddy and fake mommy

    when I was fourteen years old
I wished on the clock that read 11:11
that I wouldn't have to be here alone
that the judge would favor my mom
and send me back to her love forever

     now I'm fifteen years old
     I have nothing left to wish on
but I wish I could stop feeling this way
and stop forming scars on my body
when the days and nights are rough
and I wish that I could stop thinking
about life without my existence in it
and learn to love myself and make it
  through the night as best as I can

and that maybe one day
I'll make it out alive.
a.c

Ashley Sep 2013

cheers

cheers to the teenage years
cheers to the years with the crazy thoughts
cheers to the years where you feel as if you're not worth it
cheers to the people who keep us going
cheers to the ones who never quit
cheers to falling under the pressure
cheers to the kids with a broken family
cheers to the kids who act grown up
cheers to the kids who choose not to be themselves because they fear of the judgement
& keep themselves smiling to please the faces that haunt them
cheers to all these confusing years

that seem to never end.
a.c. & s.n

a collab with Sara Elliott

Ashley Sep 2013

I am

I am the broken pocket watch you never fixed
I am the wrapping paper everyone eventually throws away
I am the paper you lecture your feelings on
I am the platte but I only seem to have red paint
I am the page in your favorite book that you skipped over because I wasn't important enough
I am the unread poem you never bothered to check out
I am the map you forgot to bring and left behind
I am the girl with peacock eyes who never seems to cry
I am the child with no fears except herself and you
I am the daughter you called sweetie and you're the one I called daddy

I am the one you said you'd never hurt.
a.c.

Ashley Sep 2013

daddy daddy,

daddy daddy, where are you going?
I turned three today, are you happy?
are you leaving just for a minute?
why did you pack your stuff?
daddy, can you hear me?

daddy daddy, it's so good to see you
it's been forever since I last have
I'm sorry I ******* up daddy
hopefully you can forgive me
daddy, are you there?

daddy daddy, why did you re-marry?
who is this lady, she seems scary
did you even love mom, daddy?
was I just a mistake, daddy?
daddy, where are you?

daddy daddy, why do I have to live here?
I thought you wanted us to be happy
I thought you wanted what was best
I'm not happy
this wasn't the best
daddy, will you let us go?

daddy daddy, why do you insult me?
what did I do, daddy?
why don't you love me anymore?
did you ever even love me, daddy?
please tell your wife to stop
please tell yourself to stop
these words hurt, daddy
I'm starting to believe they're true
daddy, will you please stop?

daddy daddy, why did you look away?
you saw the scars that I created
aren't you happy?
isn't that what you wanted, daddy?
I'm sorry about the pills, daddy
but you made me feel so worthless,
I do what you always do with worthless things
I tried to throw myself out
daddy, are you even listening?

a.c.

Ashley Sep 2013

anxiety is

anxiety is building up all your courage to simply tell a waiter or waitress your order
anxiety is dreading to receive gifts because you don't think your reaction will be good enough
anxiety is remaining silent at a family dinner because you're afraid of them judging your every sentence
anxiety is texting someone then wishing you hadn't for fear of them forgetting you ever existed
anxiety is hesitating to ring someone's doorbell for the fear of forgetting what you were going to say
anxiety is spending hours at night practicing conversation for tomorrow to please your friends
anxiety is going over what you're going to say when you raise your hand so you won't mess up for once
anxiety is
me
a.c.

Ashley Sep 2013

hue of cerulean

she has such the brightest smile
she's always smiling
her joyous expression takes the attention away
from those tired eyes
those sorrowful sea colored irises
as if the ocean circled & surrounded her pupils
showering them with the hue of cerulean
on the inside she's lost
she feels nothing but emptiness & pain
on the inside she's a living corpse
there's a difference of being alive & living
this girl,
she's living without a will
a.c.

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