Closed door
locked
dark
empty
Voices rising from the room upstairs
I'm curled up in a ball unable to move
because of the marks all over my body
and the paralyzing fear inside
and the ceiling is spinning
I'm trapped
crying and hiding

How long has it been?
Three?
Four?
Six?
Ten?
I don't even know anymore
and my eyelids are heavy
Mother and Father
please, be kinder
don't shut the door again and lock it

Knives that are sharp
please, be nicer
don't tarnish my skin any longer

I'm shaking as I take a step forward
breathing heavily
trying to tell myself I can do it
all while the tears are rushing down


An endless night
as you embrace me again
against a bleeding tree
with our hearts beating together
and thorns piercing our skin
Every step is suicide
and I'm still dreading when you leave

Shackles against my wrists
tightening as the chain is pulled
purple and blue
a decoration of my skin
along with scarlet gashes

I am purple
a mark of suffering

All that you seem to think is that I am perfect…
When I say that I am not
you try and prove me wrong.
It’s flattering
but if you take the time
and look back on how much I have hurt you
you would most likely say otherwise
I know you mean well
and I know you truly care
but why do you love me?  
What is it about me
that’s good enough for you?

These feelings, they grow strong for you
even though I know
that I don’t deserve you
I always have and always will love you
It’s just my insecurities and my self-hatred
I don’t like myself
and I try to put myself down
I get myself stuck
I don’t want to be like that
I don’t want to cause you problems
or make you leave me
I fear you’ll find someone a lot better than me
someone who you’ll love unconditionally
and looks a lot prettier
a lot better
who actually loves themselves
who will love you as much as I do
Maybe someone who is closer
who you can see everyday
and not have to wonder
‘Will I ever see her again?’
or
‘When is she coming back?’
Someone who is talented
beautiful
someone you can show the world
and she won’t be afraid
and she will be confident
loving
caring
everything you could ever ask for
Everything that I am not
She would be brave
she would stand tall
she would be ready
she wouldn’t be scared to open up

She would tell you everything
and never lie to you

Everything that I could only dream to be

You said it yourself
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Yes, but for how long?
How long until you get tired of me?
How long until you don’t want me?
How long until you notice
every single thing that
is ugly about me?
Until you see that I am not beautiful?
Until you see how much I need you?
How clingy I am?
  How complicated I can get?
It’s exhausting for you isn’t it?

You tell me how you are tired every single day
and yet you still make time for me

I guess it’s because I am not used to love
I am not used to having someone
care for me and actually take the time to listen
and to understand

When I first saw you
I had this feeling
this feeling that I can’t describe
and every time I still see you
or even message you
I still get those feelings
I want to grow with you
and experience new things with you
I don’t want anyone else at all
and I have chosen you to be the one
my only one

Even if you do decide to let me go
I will always love you
I won’t choose anyone else
because I know
that I couldn’t love anyone else
ever again
not the same

If you choose to love another
I will let you
...As long as you’re happy
I’m okay
as long as you live a better life

I’m sorry
  I can’t trust that someone
could actually fall in love with me
and I am sorry
that it had to be you
who is to endure my pain
I never wanted for you to get hurt
I never want you to feel like you’re worthless
or not able to fix it
I don’t want you to think that
I am only with you
to get rid of my problems
that’s not the type of person that I am.

I may not be able to tell you everything
or sometimes
even the truth of it all
everything inside my head
everything I used to be
everything I still am
But I can tell you now

I am not perfect
I don’t intend to be

The devil creeped at my window
and all I could do was stare
he didn't seem as scary
but that was because I had seen him before

Once he was gone
I felt the uneasiness
and the loud shouting outside
I tried to cover my ears
but my hands got tired
and I couldn't anymore

I grabbed a knife and stabbed it twice
and now all I see is
the dark and red eyes

I don't know why
but I woke up again
inside a white room
where I saw faces that I didn't remember

I looked outside my window
and saw the devil chanting
"once again"

The scars written on my skin
they bleed out
and they sink in

My lungs engulfed in flames
and the feeling of being enraged
settles down
resulting in sorrow

Tiredness isn't just physical
it's mentally shattering
my head filled with the wildest things
dreaming of floods and car crashes

Smoke flooding out of my mouth
and liquor coming in
causing me to be given bad coping
just to start it over again

I'm fighting with a mind

that doesn't feel like mine

She loved until she realized it wasn't enough
she gave that him her heart
only for it to be broken
over and over again
He didn't understand her
he wouldn't even talk to her
much less even look at her

She left him
and that was the hardest thing for her to do
As heartbroken as she was
she became a small silhouette
grey surrounding her

Until she met someone else
someone who was similar to her
someone who was shrouded by his own darkness
and she wanted to help him
she wanted him to smile again
because she knew how much it hurt
and she did
she helped him

What started out as a friendship
turned into a beautiful relationship
with dark edges
but the love that they shared fixed that
the story continues
but how will it end?

Walking down a street that is dull
the rain pours down as I look up
I just wanted to be loved
but I guess I never deserved it

Yellow eyes and dark clothing
The snake that manifested from the devil's smile
Taking a bite of a red apple
and selling away your value
your self worth
that's what it felt like

To be alone in the world
a cruel one with ignorance and corruption
one that I didn't choose to be a part of
and one that I think
I can no longer stay in
or want any part of
I'm just a stressor
I'm just a nobody

I've hurt so much
and I've spoken so little about it
but I've screamed the words out so many times