I signed my life away
A week ago today
I took a pledge to be a warrior
To serve my country with pride
I am proud of this
I need not your approval to be the man I wish to be
For I will be my own
Traveling my own path
Finding my own me
I have finished the part of my life to try to impress you
To try and make you proud
I am done expecting you to be there for me
The cracks are too easy to fall through
I hope one day you will wake up from this slumber
We will talk about our lives while we fish for lost time
The bobbers on our lines dancing on the water like ballerinas
The man I am becoming
Ignoring the child inside
Screaming and pounding
For my daddy

Can a demon sin against satan?
Lucifer's rules are simple:
Good deeds go severely punished,
And chaos is the reason.

Inspiration blossomed
Between the layers of experiences
Cataloged in the folds of her mind
It extended down
Rooting itself behind her deep eyes
And brightening them until they outshone
Any star that graced the evening sky
Pigment leeched into her cheeks
And pulled them back revealing a brilliant smile
As the tendrils of thought unfurled into her body
Her shoulders slumped
Her arms relaxed
And she wrapped her infected fingers around the paintbrush
Which began to dance
And the only sound heard
Was the bristled feet scuffing the white canvas floor
Leaving tracks of royal blue, rich purple and green
After hours of their tireless dance
She released the brush and stepped back
Her imagination had splattered her clothing and hands
And slowly she allowed her eyes to roam
The workings of her mind

That was quite some life she led
She thought she could be a superhero,
but from her wrists she bled
Through long nights she'd lay awake
staring at her bland white ceiling
A simple decision was hers to make
Knives, playing cards, or fingers?
Each provided a different sensation
And each left a mark that still today lingers
One night she was bored and wanted to fly
A boy named ** offered her the chance
To breathe something else and pass the time by
She left what she knew, her family and friends
And she stepped into a danger zone
creating for herself some unhealthy trends
She breathed what he gave her when she was told
He was something new, almost like her savior
This experience would not soon get old
Time passed slowly and soon she became
Two different people, one to parents, another to peers
The only thing shared was her name.


--unfinished

Let me be honest
I am so freaking tired
I need rest like a Snorlax
And if you don’t get that reference
You were never a 90s kid
Skidding to a stop on route 16 or 12
Wondering what the hell
Was blocking your path
And slipping into “yo momma” jokes
The world over
So I pull my bike to the shoulder
Trying to find the melody
That will remedy my malady
Because it’s the opposite of what you used

See I don’t just need rest
From walking town to town
I need it from you, myself,
And from everyone around
Giving their two cents
Calling it common sense and
Of course I should listen since
My wallet is empty of that currency
While yours is apparently so abundant
That you feel a necessity
To force it upon me as charity

I’m tired of clichés and
Bits of wisdom from authors anonymous
Because I’m telling you I’m not a mess
That can be fixed with your
Two penny potion
Made from your split second emotion
Based upon empathy or sympathy
I can’t quite tell when it comes
To your simply pity
I’m sorry I don’t sound grateful
I know you’re just being helpful
I’m just so freaking tired

Tired of stopping myself
Before even getting started
Because I know
The battles everyday are hard and
I don’t know
That I can make it out
As the champion I need to be
This has been my reality
Stutter stepping from 1 to 2 to 23
So maybe now you see
Why I’m so freaking tired

you say i trust to equal those in the past
whom have brought only pain and hatred
upon those in their wake?
well it's time to take a look in the mirror
my friend, no, wait, don't do that,
i wouldn't want to inflate your ego
it would come as no surprise to me if in that
mirror you would only see the eighth wonder
of the world, ever wondered if you could see
the world? i take that back, there is no sense
in snapping and losing my temper,
but all i'm doing is back tracking and
finding my self exempt of the respect that i
deserve, only you can serve to notice
the pain that you have harboured
upon the empty hearts of which now yearn
for that ever self-loving and i can only leave
you with this advice

turn around and back off
that ain't love it's idolatry.

(1/23/13)

when it comes to **** - i agree for this was something that she did not foresee
she wanted to have a normal life, fall in love and become a wife.
to have children if and when she decided, and not be afraid or to hide it.
she had been ***** - body , mind , and soul
and she feels she no longer has control.
now this is what a ****** has in mind, and wants to be in control all the time.

yet now ! you do have a choice which will be the first of many
keep this child or abort, and foget everything that you may have been taught.
if GOD had this **** planned for you ( which i don't believe)
then he's also given you the choice as what to do
he has given us all free will, and with a decision like this
you can't stand still.

some will say it's because the clothes you wore- or things you said
but with a ****** - you did not want to bed.
( e.g. )right now this child is like a drop of spit which you spit out
because of the bad taste it gives. "do you want this child to live?"
the taste may stay in your mouth the rest of your days
is this the way this child will be raised?

yet the choice is up to you - no one knows what you've gone thru.
if they had punishments to fit the crimes, then the ******
would get it from behind.
they would know what they put you through because they'll be
going thru it too, and if they was to **** with intent
their life in jail would be spent.
if they have no regard for human life
then they should pay the ultimate price.

So what does this mean
Does it mean anything at all
Are there any feelings left
Or are you twisting the real meaning around my head
Snapping my neck
And destroying my motivation
How should I approach this
Should I take a quiet step back
And let it all fester and settle down
Wisely study and analyze each surprising word conversed
Or should I leap off the cliff and leave only a cloud of dust behind
My feet look for a place to land
But as of right now
I just fall at a constant velocity
Free falling with no parachute
No net
No harness
No guide
But the question is
Will I leap and suspend myself in winds that only the birds master
My answer to that will be no
Absolutely not
Not until I grow wings to carry me
My heart needs to look through its scope and aim it's knowledge carefully at it's target
I will not pull any trigger unless I am absolutely sure of what I'm shooting
A scanner examines me from head to toe
Results show an awfully big shock
Detecting that there is something still there in my chest
It has always been there
But it's not me I'm uncertain of
It's her
It has always been her
She proved to me once that she had a heart the size of the moon
But will she shine through the darkness that has congregated over the months
And why or how
Why would she turn completely around when she was so sure of having her back towards me
The direction she was going was a bold move that said everything
I shut everything down
I convinced myself that I couldn't climb that mountain that was behind me
So I had no choice but to turn around and start forward
And the paces I took dragged a long ways along nothingness
A walk through a desert with an occasional rain here and there
And all of a sudden a lightning bolt to light up a new path
I took the bait she was fishing with
Dangling it all around me
Tempting my hunger
And I caved
I replied to that question
My curiosity is hard to put a rein on
And right now I feel content
I shouldn't feel the way I feel
But I do
Why do we feel a certain way
What are the combination of factors that determine our feeling's outcome
All these emotions were put in and the hypothesis states that I should feel angry, offended and abandoned
But I don't
And back to the original questions
What does this mean
Honestly I have no idea
Does it mean anything at all
It has to
Are there any feelings left
On my part there certainly is

These down times are what really make a person...
I will put an end to this... somethings gotta give...
victim of circumstance and while I'd stay and keep trying...
you were not there to console my sighing
so it's better I go, no time for crying
and change your mind the same as your lying.

Well honestly now,
Is it not apparent that we over-use the poor man idiom?
We are torturing our own kind
Human contact is for the rich
and as long as I am in text
I will be only worth as much as my words are spent
only worth as much as my discouraged intellect
only worth as much as the poor man's breath

who was never given a chance to progress
and it was the very same intellect that caused his distress
and so he smoked himself to death.