I swallowed my pride and said
               "Go home tonight"
I swallowed my dignity and said
               "I'll pack you some snacks"
I swallowed my anger and said
               "Text me if you need anything"

I should have realized

He had someone who was already telling him to come home
He had someone who would have food waiting
He had someone to text if he needed anything

I wish I spit.

I didn't realize I had stopped taking pictures of myself
         Maybe because he already knew what I looked like
         Maybe because I had forgotten
I didn't realize I had stopped listening to music
        Maybe because I had found all the songs about him
        Maybe because I had nothing to sing about
I didn't realize I had stopped imaging my future
        Maybe because it was already set in stone
        Maybe because it was not mine
I didn't realize I had stopped writing poetry
        Maybe because one can only write so many love poems
        Maybe because I no longer liked to think about my feelings
I didn't realize I had stopped journaling
        Maybe because he was there to share and remember with
        Maybe because I wasn't doing anything worth writing down
I didn't realize I had stopped working out
        Maybe because he loved me no matter how I looked
        Maybe because I had lost the motivation
I didn't realize I had stopped reading
        Maybe because I didn't need to escape anymore
        Maybe because I never had a moment to myself
I didn't realize I had stopped sleeping in my own bed
        Maybe because I was sleeping with someone I loved
        Maybe because I couldn't stand sleeping alone

I didn't realize I had lost myself
       Maybe because I was too busy taking care of us
       Maybe because I had stopped.

He called me his girlfriend
In the midst of casual conversation
I waited for the stutter
Or the correction
At least the clarification that usually follows
But he just went on
He went on to talk about simple things
I forgot all about it
Until we hung up
I instantly tried to rationalize
To say, he just misspoke
It didn't mean anything
He just was talking
But that was a lie
It meant everything
Hope was given with that word
But I know it was a mistake
I am not his girlfriend
He just misspoke

Sometimes I get this ache
In the pit of my stomach
But deeper somehow
It pulls me down to it
Like a scrunching up carpet
Folding in what I am
Getting stronger and deeper each pull
It'll reach my throat
I'll feel like I need to *****

You are a part of me
Festered in that pit deeper than my gut
The part of me only you can touch
But it pulls me night and night again
When you are not there
It pulls and I let it consume me
I just let it ****
No amount of your clothes helps
Only you wrapped around me will

That is when I know that I miss you