the rain cleans the earth.
it purifies it
it renews it.

i wonder,
if i am under the rain,
will it cleanse me?
purify me?
renew me?
but that is just hopeful thinking.
the rain will only drench me.

the rain is selfish in the way that
the only thing it will clean
is itself.

we must be like the rain.
we must not try to purify others.
we must not try to renew others.
the only one who can cleanse us of our impurities,
is ourselves.

How dare you
be the kindest person that I know,
make my heart melt with one look,
and
leave me infatuated with you?

How dare you
smile a smile that lights up the world,
entrance me with your voice,
and
leave me infatuated with you?

How dare you
appear in my daydreams all day,
have me longing for what could be,
and
leave me infatuated with you?

You dared,
and now I am completely and hopelessly
left infatuated
with you.
-

i let pride take over.
i let it overcome me.
pride was my main ally
when it came to you.

months went by,
no words were exchanged.
pride held me back.
did it hold you back too?

your silence ate at me,
but my pride wouldn't let me be free.
so i let the time pass,
denying i missed you,
telling myself i was fine without you.

the feeling of missing you was strong,
but it is unfortunate that
my pride was stronger.

I didn't want to trouble you,
So I left.
I didn't want to get in your way,
So I left.
I didn't want to ruin your night,
So I left.

I only wish that you stopped me from leaving.
I only wish that you saw the despair in my eyes.
I only wish that you saw my heart burning with sadness.
I only wish that you asked me if I was okay.

You didn't even ask me if I was okay.
I WASN'T OKAY.
WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME IF I WAS OKAY?

why didn't anyone ask me if i was okay?

my heart has ran out of
"it's fine, whatever"s
my heart has ran out of
"don't worry about it"s
my heart has no more to give
my heart is tired
my heart has ran out of
energy for **you

being selfish is seen as a flaw,
but what if it’s my saving grace?
what if, instead of giving,
I start keeping?

there are parts of myself that have disappeared
because I was naive enough to believe
that all those who received them
would hold my pieces dear.

when they left,
they took my pieces with them,
bits of my naivety, impulsive first times, and moments of happiness,
and turned them into weary nostalgia.

maybe I wasn’t enough to make them stay
or maybe I was overflowing with too much that it scared them away;
the reasons are unclear.
all I know for certain is,
they didn’t know how to take care of my pieces.
they were simply a temporary foster parent
who refused to adopt them for the long term.

I didn’t realize it in those moments-
how much of me I kept giving away
and how little I had left for myself.
my heart has grown tired from missing parts of itself that have not returned.

for my heart,
I am learning to embrace selfishness,
to start hiding parts of my soul from others,
and to only showcase my pieces to those who will cherish them.
the selfish behavior that the world often shuns,
may just be the protection my heart is aching for.