It's been two years since the first burning
There are still scars to remember me by
And new ones to cover them up
I've been carved up like the pumpkins they had
Preparing for the season of spices
And masks
I wore no mask
My face was raw
From the fire I'd walked right into
It still shines from time to time
Glistening with effort, fear
And tears of despair
At night when the world goes quiet
My mind is loudest
All I've done wrong
Everything I've ****** up
Conversations I shouldn't have had
Words I shouldn't have said
I can't take them back
So die
So die
So sleep
Wake up and everything's okay again
Pop my ProZac
Step into the sun
Be strong
But for how long?

This
All of this
This browsing in Walgreens when I have no ******* money to spend on makeup or pencils or tampons or iPod chargers or candles or diapers or juice or valentines or matches or tissues or anything
I have no ******* money to spend on anything
I have no ******* money to spend on food or water or air or freedom
And they touch me when I scream DON'T ******* TOUCH ME
And they feed me when I scream DON'T ******* FEED ME
DON'T ******* TOUCH ME
DON'T ******* FEED ME
I'M GOING OUTSIDE INTO THE PRISON YARD THAT STRETCHES ON FOR MILES AND MILES AND MILES
I'M GOING OUTSIDE INTO THE PRISON YARD THAT GOES ON FOR MILES AND MILES AND MILES AND IT NEVER ******* ENDS
I have no choice but to let them touch me
I have no choice but to let them feed me
Because they can
Because they can
And I am nothing
And I AM NOTHING
GET ME OUT OF HERE
OPEN THIS ******* DOOR
LET ME OUT
DO YOU ******* HEAR ME
LET
ME
OUT

Laying on the bed
our bodies inches apart
our minds miles apart.
Your hand brushes against mine,
sandpaper on glass.
I shudder, I hope you don't notice.
You always do.

"You're different"
If only you knew why

Your eyes hold sadness,
I avert mine.
How can I look at you anymore?
I can hardly stand to feel your touch.
Oh, how I longed to be touched.

"Are you okay, hon?"
If only I knew why

Your pet name make me nauseous.
Morning sickness?
Mourning sickness.
The death of this
love
is so
tragic...?
I guess.
Like a romantic novel?
Sure.
But,
I have never been a sucker for romance.

"Do you even love me anymore?"
If only you knew how

You were my hero(in)
Like a lost puppy,
I was a lost soul.
You found me, starving
for love.
You took me under your wing,
Under your sheets.
Oh how magical it all was.
Was.
But,
the fire is out.

"Please...answer me"
If only I knew how

Please stop begging,
you're only hurting yourself.
You look so broken.
Like a child, you stare at me
Wide eyed.
Longing for answers.
Your blues have faded to pales.
I blame myself.
How can I hurt you like this?
Oh, right
I have no heart.

"I love you"
****

I wince,
like I was just pricked with a needle.
I can't do this to you.
Besides, I am not ready to fall asleep alone
Again.
I manage to swallow my pride
and utter those four God-forsaken words.

"I love you, too..."





*I'll just fake it



for a little while longer...

You make me feel different than anyone has ever made me feel before.
I think different too.
It's not good, or bad,
it's just the way it is.
Sometimes we have to accept things that we don't want to,
but that's life,
and if you want to feel anything then you need to listen.
Desires can make people sick with confusion,
so sick that they can't sleep,
or taste the food in their mouth,
or hear their favorite song,
or feel the wind on a hot day.

Obsession is dry,
and tasteless,
and it hurts like nothing you could ever believe.
So stop treating me like a child who asks too many questions
and treat me like the beautiful person you claim I am.

your words are the dirt on my skin

I want you to tell me how you feel until I cry.
I don't think it's fair
to make you describe how it feels to be human.

I can feel the disappointment seeping through your fingers.
I bet they're shaking, and I bet your head is too.

I know better not to expect anything,
but I do it anyway.

With bad news,
comes another shot of whiskey,
and new standards.

I'm sick of the smiles in our photographs,
because I'm not happy,
and I don't understand how I ever could be.

When we drove to your funeral,
we had to pull over so that I could puke
and cry,
it got all over my dress and we had to go back home
so that I could change.

I went into my room and stripped naked,
then I started screaming and throwing things,
I broke the mirror, and ripped everything off the walls,
I threw the sheets and the covers all onto the floor.
I ripped all the clothes of their hangers,
pushed everything off the open surfaces,
threw everything I could find at the windows,
wanting to prove to myself that something could break more than a heart.

I hate myself,
but mostly I hate myself for loving you,
for letting myself forget the world and get lost in you.

I hate myself,
for not asking you when I had the chance,
or telling you,
or even caring enough to show it.

I'm sorry that I can't think straight,
and that I never will,
and that you'll never understand me the way that I understood you.

things are getting hot on the bed
wedgies are being picked
the hottest of all women are giving birth to computers,
and ideas, until the energy from last nights soda wears off,
and the color in our hair fades.

I have a stripped box full of friendship bracelets,
I threw all the ones you gave me away,
because they didn't mean anything,
and the only time you made me happy was when you smiled.

Now I'm waiting for you to block my calls,
or change your number,
or answer and tell me to shut the hell up.

I guess I've decided that I wont fall in love again,
at least not until we can be in the same room
and not care if everything else starts to melt.