I only see the dim of
Black and white,
In my old home,
We never saw anything worth seeing
Just hate,
Destruction,
And lonliness.
Never had i seen one color,
I never knew the
Wonderful site,
Of even our ethnic rainbows,
How different we all are,
And I'm not alone,
Now In my new home,
I'm in a place with purple walls,
And rainbow curtains.
No fear,
Or loathing,
Just my happiness in beautiful
Colors I had never seen in my gloomy past.

a.s.

Mine,
he whispered.
Yours*,
I breathe.

a.s.

I find peace in storms,
The waves tell me otherwise,
Violent coils grazing me with the
last bit of sanity that's left,
But maybe I can survive without getting seasick,
While the sun comes out,
A clamorous sound wakes me from the dream,
Of hitting my place,
You can't touch me here,
You can't phase me here,
So I am not afraid of storms,
For, I am learning to sail my ship.

a.s.

And the way your ocean eyes lit up,
made a storm rage in the depths of my soul.
The sweet silhouette of the waves
that danced within you.

It was everything to my beating heart,
and suddenly my brokenness felt whole.

a.s.

I tried to forget
but you grew roots
Around my ribcage
and sprouted flowers
just below my collarbones.
All day I pick at their petals
but I have not yet ascertained
If you love me.
or not.

a.s.

It's dark
So dark
Mad and angry
A solitary cruel
Civilization where nobody
Cares nobody pays
Intrest for the lives
Of the hopeless
Or the needed.
The simple
Drive for the complex
Ideas of perfection
In which we crave
Is so prominent
Like an eched image
In our simply geared minds
Those gears only turn
One way
Not bothering to look
Back at the others
Who are perfect
For living
Without that
Selfishness

a.s.

Solitude makes me happy
Because solitude means there's no one there
to judge me, to hate me, to question me

Solitude means that despite being alone
I'm not lonely
Because I have myself
and I'm the only one
that can truly care about myself

but then again
I don't even care

So, solitude can be dangerous
Because when I give up
Caring about myself

Self destruction
Can be, oh so, tempting
Because when I no longer care

I just
give
up.

a.s.

can we just pretend
that cancer season is over
and we are all careless
because the laughter
of friends
is so rewarding
compared to the
somber melodies
I hum at night

can we just pretend
that all we need is
each other
to pass these dark days
and carry the
drunk
I don't give a ****
attitude
like at the peak of caughlin ranch
last night

I'm not a good liar
nor good at pretending
but how do we see
we have beauty like the sea
and the smell of flowers in spring
yet fail to realize
all of these things
to the inner
real
self critic

why

a.s.

Do you remember
The night we drove
Out into the inked darkness
Until the hum of the city
Evaporated into contrails streaked above us
Like some ******* canvas
That night I looked up at the sky
And it's infinate display and I said
"Doesn't it make you feel better
To know you're made of star dust?"
And you laughed quietly and said
"You'd rather be up there, wouldn't you?"
And I think that's when you knew
I would always be tripping over things
Because the ground didn't intrest me
in the slightest


a.s.

You said the right words to me
and did the right things
made the right looks
and played my soft strings
but am I only speculating
before we get to round

three?

a.s.

I visited that crazy tower
of beautiful architecture
and magnificent history
and never had I ever known
how places that beautiful
can make you feel like your problems
are such a minority in this world,
I know terrible sorrow has come across us all  
and there's no such thing as never being sad
or judgmental,
but despite that
wonderful places like here
show me how life is so grand
thank you London

a.s.

I stayed at home
dived into books
into myself
I'm an introvert

I took the test
one then two
that told me lies
or so I knew

I met the kids
5 months after
showed me care
and love so true

an extrovert
it's who I am
unknown to me
it was a scam

loneliness can steal
your heart
take a drink
it's all a sham

Don't let the names
of psyche
take away from
who you are


a.s.

There's those songs
That you put on repeat
That make you cry
Yet you still listen to them.
Because of the memories
They always bring back to you.

Likewise
There are those people
That make you cry
And hurt you to the extreme
Yet you still want them
In your life
Because of the memories you shared
That always come back to you
And they are hard to let go of.

a.s.

Trust me,
This is hard for me,
too.

a.s.

I never understood
The idea of love
How you could be so invested in each other
So persistent to one another

Then I met you.

a.s.

Thanking you
For the kindness
That lives inside your heart.
You are a friend that’s treasured
You are truly a work of art.

Your sincerity
Shows in everything you do
And people like me are thankful
For wonderful people like you.

a.s.

buried by my thoughts
yours came to visit again
the warmth of your chest
the deepness of your breath
all came back to me
like a crashing wave so strong
I'm drowning below the surface

down here
I want to trace your hands
whisper in your ears
and put it all behind us
hear the gentle strokes of your mind
painting the love you bear for me
curl up into the depths of your soul
so you can always protect me

why is it when I say your name
it pierces my ears
and I feel pain through my whole body
why is it that despite rationality
this doesn't seem rational
and indecisiveness takes over me

I can't seem to articulate this feeling
but I haven't forgotten
and I never will
and with a heavy heart
a heavy mind
and soul
I'm so sorry baby,
but we must have unfinished business

a.s.

Why are people so twisted
for their own sympathy*

a.s.

hey
people of today
lets channel our
ethics, history, and emotion to
be a better civilization
to be a better human
to be a better lover, brother, and neighbor
we did not choose this life
one of corruption
and greed
dating back before
your grandad's uniform
before your grandad's grandad's uniform
before the war on the people
we are out here living it
the habits and decisions of the past
a system so outdated
where we are limited to
collapsing on ourselves
and though I always wish to act with love
I will not tolerate it
and someday

someday
no one will

a.s.

how come
I never knew I was this beautiful
and I tired myself out for years
telling myself I wasn't

how come
throughout the years
my self worth was only found through perception
and the real truth is
that self worth is found in my insight

how come
I feel so insecure
and cry deep within the night
despite the constant support

I know why
it was the constant endurance
of a young love so true
but heavy with expectation
so heavy
you must let go
my only question is

universe,
what the ****
why would you do that to me

a.s.

A weak bellowing echoing across the dunes
One last call for help
Heat shimmering across the sand
Sun slowly drying
A beautiful giant of the sea
Once so free, so strong and powerful
Now stranded - helpless

Footsteps on the sand
A sound of hope for a dying soul
Cool, lifegiving water splashed across parched skin
The slap of a flipper on the sand
A push, a shove
This kind human providing a saving hand

Can you imagine
his feeling of setting a captive free?
Can you imagine
the joy there would be?

To hear that haunting song
To see the wave of a flipper in the distance
One last final thanks
To kindness across humanity.

a.s.

When I was six,
I loved a boy,
He proposed with a
Dora the explorer
gumball ring, and
It was the best day of my life,
until it wasn't.

When I was thirteen,
I loved another boy,
I kissed him,
and felt loved,
and it was the best day of my life,
until it wasn't.

When I was fifteen,
I fell in love with a boy,
and even now,
after so much time,
every day is the best day of my life,
and it always will be.

It's true what they say about young love,
Your mind is new,
and you don't know how you'll change,
but there are the youngins that love you,
despite all that.
believe me, I know.
Because I will always love a boy with
ocean eyes and a silly smile,
and you can just discard
what they say

a.s.

I think of you
When darkness swirls around me
Like a turbulent storm
When every breath seems to tax my soul
When dispair is my constant shadow
I think of you
I hear your voice
Feel your skin upon my own
I smell your scent
Your pain is my own
Your fear is my best friend
And even though all hope
Seems to have seeped from the world
I still think
Of you.

In times of contemplation
I find myself gazing up
to create some hidden meaning in the stars
or down
to search for truth within works
but it's all the same

Sadness weaves meaning into most
of the things experienced
like an ancient sacred saying
that still applies today

That is
sadness is sacred
and in and of itself shows truth
emotions are the root
of all good work  
and lessons learned
suffering is the love we shall bear
the whirlpool of never-ending sorrow
and we may not give it up

if we expect to love the goal

Inevitable in life,
the new life draws in me: a small
sun with roots that I will have to water deeply
and push to fights their own battle
against the weeds.*

a.s.

at least our story was ours
no one had any say
no cards or tricks to play
we had trust.
we had our jokes
our little traditions
like driving to the coast
we didn’t fret
we didn’t play games
kept our light flamed
for several years before god came
all I can say is
among the sad kids I know
love like that is rare
though it is unfair
I’m grateful for the love we bared
ending things may not have been ideal
even so we broke the wheel

and at least it all was real.