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116
Apple on a Rose Jan 2020
116
The closer I let you in,
The more I have to lose.

To be vulnerable is not my strong suit,
I see it as a short fuse.
Not much good could come
Of letting people in.
Let alone someone I actually care about.
Where would I begin.
To lose would feel like nothing,
Though you are not mine to have lost.
With everything that passes by,
The inability to feel the cost/
As the momories come flooding past now,
It is I who drove the end.
What a foolish girl.
Pushing people past what they can mend.
It is a self reflection.
A trap between two minds.
What is deserved and what is deprived.
A foolish little girl,
Who should know better than to play games.
Even if they unconsicously take place.
One can not go on, testing in these ways.
Apple on a Rose May 2019
He shook me.
He made me realise that to them,
I can be just as disposable as the rest.
Apple on a Rose Aug 2019
I think you’re already the person you want to be,
You just don’t let yourself be her.
Apple on a Rose Jan 2017
A Mother
a mother will hold you and carry you through,
she'll push you out, to pull you in,
to only ever be true.
a mother will love unconditionally as mine does,
to raise you and fight for you,
simply because.
she is a strong character who's love cannot be broke,
she will fight to her death bed and further she will.
but a mothers love is so strong who are we to say,
i know my mother will be there every single day.
i watched her cry, i watched her laugh,
with barely a thought at all.
but it is now mostly missed,
and now i go to call.
a mother is a powerful being,
one who will watch you stand tall.
yet sweep in when you cry,
without as much as a 'thankyou' at all.
it is a mother who watches over you,
and runs by your side.
dreading the day when a child grows up,
to then say 'goodbye'.
a possible new mother will become,
before her mothers eyes.
as the generations tick,
and the history of our lives...
Apple on a Rose Apr 2018
I don't know how to express what I'm feeling.
to someone I love.
To someone who 'loves' me.
Yet loves to hurt me.
Apple on a Rose May 2019
I don’t even want you.
I just wanted to reject you.
Apple on a Rose Jun 2019
you'd rather ruin a good thing,
in attempt to control some level of hurt,
rather than soak in current happiness.
Apple on a Rose Apr 2019
Maybe a pen bleeds into paper
Because that’s what you’re too doing
With the words you write onto it.
Apple on a Rose Apr 2019
I don’t want to build a bridge.
Unless it is absolutely certain,
it will go up in flames
The second my last foot leaves it’s surface.
I want to smell it burn
As I feel the heat explode over my back.
Confirming there is no convinenece
In turning around
And walking straight back over to all I knew.
Apple on a Rose Sep 2017
"its like taking your car to the mechanic with a flat tire and it completely breaking down."
Well maybe that's the problem, you only ever saw her as a flat tire.  You choose to be completely unaware of all the damage under the hood.  Just waiting there, deteriorating.  While everyone hopes its the maintenance to the tire that with fix everything.
To only act surprised when it doesn't.  passing the blame to anyone in reach.
You will never look in the rear-view mirror of all that was done.
Apple on a Rose Jul 2017
It was interesting to hear
You share your belief
Of how if you were to hurt me
I'd be ruined.
Unable to recommit.
When I look at all the hurt
I have put you through
Secretly knowing
I may never be able to truly commit
Instead
I smile.
And nod my head
Agreeing that of course
I love you
We feel the same way.
But deep down
There's emotions and thoughts
Even I am to scared to admit.
Am I one to commit?
Apple on a Rose Jul 2017
Am I self-sabotaging
is that what this is?
when my minds telling me he's good for me
but my heart wants to resist.
Am I truly in this
Like actually wanting to see where it goes?
He'll tell everyone he is
Even willing to propose.
But what if the feeling isn't mutual,
Just a sick game, manipulated insides?
All of the doubts, thoughts and confusion are drowning
Yet there's nowhere to hide.
I'm expected more of,
And people awe at all we have
Yet how much of it is real
How much of it is fact.
Is it a fact I love you?
Or a fact I thought I did?
Is it real we're meant to be?
Or did we just take our largest bid?
Is there something here?
That's not make belief?
Or is it all a matter of our imagination
A story line we confuse for life?
Or is this actual fact, feeling and love.
That I am just unable to reciprocate.
Despite believing I should.
Is this the fairy-tale people hope for
The fairy-tale I misunderstood.
Apple on a Rose Mar 2019
traps waiting to snap
luring you in
to push you free at the last minute
before the jaws are slammed shut for good.
its a favour, although the questions of why and the tears along your face
you don't want to be trapped within this trap where I live.
Apple on a Rose Oct 2017
It does scare me.
What I hate more than anything
Am I carrying on?

They always told me I loved it.
I 'got off'  to the drama.

Is it their voices,
In my head now?
Or did their words
speak the truth of me.

A truth,
I was unwilling to see.
Apple on a Rose Jun 2017
And then she did it.
As expected she would.
Blew away like dust
All that could.
She warned him.
Told him to stay away.
The girl that smiles and acts all together
Is gone for another day.
Apple on a Rose Apr 2020
I truly loved you. With all my being.
But your actions forced me to make the decision and identify;
I deserved and owed it to myself that same level of love and respect.
And that’s why I walked away
Apple on a Rose Apr 2020
You say she is the only one to truly know you.
So now you have lost a girl who loved the true you.
In atempt to entertain the versions of yourself you felt others wanted you to be.
In all this acting you've become so lost and numb to who you are.  
In what you stand for
In what you simply want.
The only thing you have left which is honest is
She, is
A true loss.
Apple on a Rose Jun 2019
confusion about why I'm confused.
Apple on a Rose May 2019
How can you support someone,
while they're the reason youre needing support?
Apple on a Rose Mar 2019
Maybe she didn't know how to be loved so fully.  
Is that what that was?
He wanted to tell her and teach her of how phenomenal she was in his eyes.
But when she looked through her own.  All she could see was the words of another. 
The words engraved in her mind, soul and self.
How could one possibly love [me] this much.  When those who were genetically programmed for that purpose, were,
are, incapable.

She had so much love to give.  but would not let anyone close. loving from a distance is all she knew.
Apple on a Rose Nov 2018
What if  
the ice
in my heart
is freezing
the fire
in my soul..?
Apple on a Rose Oct 2017
When you do speak
at times
I hear him.
Them.
Is it what I'm looking for?
Waiting for the ball to drop
A reason to run
To call myself stupid
And explain I should of
known.
Or is it what I bring out
of people
family
friends
you.
Have I done this.
to ruin another
like they did
me.
That would be
the true
irony
Apple on a Rose Jul 2017
The thing
is
about poetry.
the raw realisation
of the words
you just read.
carrying
the ability
to identify feelings,
thoughts,
emotions.
you are yet
to comprehend.
yet realise
you have
lived.
Apple on a Rose May 2019
You’ll never know what you did to me
Now I know that line is clichè
But it’s true.
Never will I allow it to leave my lips for your ears.
I will continue the toughness and laugh at your attempts to make me jealous. Knowing full well should I choose to enter that game, the victory would be mine.
This is all you’ll see.
An Ice queen capable of cutting you off, never to bat an eye lid your way ever again.
Prehaps even left you wondering why or what you had done wrong.
Guessing if I found out, or how much I knew to be true.
This is what you’ll get from me.

What you won’t see is all the typed and deleted messages.
The screams into the pillow and my fists attempt to release some level of fury that fills my veins.
You’ll never know how many tears fell or how many boys were turned away.

You will become a mess not knowing what a mess you made of her.
Apple on a Rose Jun 2017
The way she moved,
Seemed unnatural to most.
She moved with something unlike the rest.
Maybe it was the breeze that carried her,
Or her body moved towards the light
Perhaps the moon possessed her .
Or  was she the creation of all three.
And maybe this was why
Many seemed so confused.
They could only handle one element at a time.
They could not identify her view.
Apple on a Rose Apr 2020
I had to be okay
Because it was judged others were worse.
I wasn't aloud to be angry,
Because others were angrier.
I needed the help.
But none was there.
It had all already been allocated to those who needed it 'more'.
I needed my parents,
But only ever had one.
And that one's attention was to busy with another.
I begged the other to step up,
But should of know only the inevitable would follow,
Betrayal and disapointment.
I had to be okay,
Because it was judged that others were worse.
So I became worse.
Losing the fights I had to face alone.
But I was "strong"
I was "independant"
I was "okay"
The truth is I just wasn't a priority,
When I needed to be one.
I was sick of being strong,
I was sick of feeling weak,
I was sick of not being aloud to be angry.
So I became angrier.
My voice would never be heard,
No matter how loud I became.
No matter how logical or articulate.
I was forever fighting,
With the more people shutting me down,
The more I fought.
I was not a priority for anyone.
Even fighting myself.
I could never accept their words,
Deep down begging myself to believe in the truth.
But what truth?
How true is something when everyone who is close to it is in denial
A truth I tried to self teach,
Became this glimmer of hope.
Please Lord let this be the truth.
Let it truly be wrong to be treaated this way.
Please Lord let it not be 'normal'
I can't be the only one not to accept this.
It's a funny thing acceptance.
When everyone goes against you
Recreating this 'truth'.
It is all to easy to get lost in it,
And thats where I found myself.
Lost in every version of this "truth".
Just hanging to this glimmer of hope of what my truth, truly is.
Apple on a Rose May 2019
You're great. More than great.
Probably true too.
But how do you offer up an imcomplete version of yourslef?
How do you persue a feeling while still trying to supress and hide the feelings you know stay with another.
Its not you its me.
But its not me either.
Its him.
Apple on a Rose Jul 2017
I've said I forgive time and time again.
but we're stuck in this cycle that needs to come to an end.
You've just hurt me to many times before.
Physical and mental scares
needing to be closed behind a door.
You want me to forget,
but I cant just yet.
No, not just yet.
Not Yet.
You leave me crying on the floor,
like you have before.
Too many times before.
But you ask me to forgive.
and hope I can forget.
I can't just yet.
no. Not just yet.
Not Yet.
Apple on a Rose Nov 2018
What do you think is more painful?
Reliving other people’s pain,
Or, retelling your own.
?
Apple on a Rose May 2019
You are meant to love your children more than anything in the world.
Yet I don't think you have ever deemed anyone worthy of more love than that of which you give yourself.
But that's the funny thing.
You don't even love yourself.
Just to proud to admit to how ashamed you are.
Apple on a Rose Dec 2016
His eyes were that of a lost puppy,
His heart, one that had been broken.
His loudness and laughter meant more tears, than he could ever of spoken.
He wanted her to fix him,
As he'd hoped the last would of done.
But it was not her duty or ability,
To shine light on all that he could become.
There was void missing in his heart,
A hole left by betrayal.
A mothers love of no condition,
Is the missing link that's caused his heart so frail.
He wanted to feel wanted.
Needed to be told,
Of the worth and goodness inside himself,
That he's tried so hard to withhold.
Though she could see through him,
As he had hoped she would.
It's what made her 'intriguing',
And what captivated his mind of all that could.
He felt lost, like that puppy.
The kind that had been beat.
The kind that checked twice before crossing a road,
And knew better than to ever take a seat.
Though through the glass of his eye,
He tried with his might to reflect gold.
All that he felt expected to be,
The type that could never be told.
For when you look straight at glass,
You see the reflection it presents.
It is not until you look through his eye,
That his soul projects.
And then there's no one left to fool.
It was this connection that he had wanted,
And found within her view.
But she insisted he take a look,
In hope one day it will seep through.
Apple on a Rose Apr 2020
I think there's an extra layer of pain in the level of pain I feel.  It shows I had never loved, how I loved you.
Apple on a Rose Apr 2018
Finally having something
to relate to the love songs.

leads to inevitably
having something
to relate to the rest.
Apple on a Rose Jun 2017
They don't realise when I say 'same old',
Nothings changed.
I'm still as torn and shredded,
As an unwanted page.
And I feel each rip,
As I watch each tear.
Yet I bite my lip
Knowing a soul is yet to care.
Apple on a Rose Apr 2020
I showed you my scars
And opened my pain before your eyes.
You made the choice to pierce my heart
So those scars were now wounds again
Apple on a Rose Jul 2017
crash over me. like dirt or water. Either way fill my lungs to a point of no return. watch me gasp. Look straight in my eye. Then turn and walk away.
maybe then you'll see what your doing to me.
Apple on a Rose Sep 2017
what if the space didn't work?

You stepped back pre-occupied,
expecting me to step forward.
To dance.
But what if I was sick of standing bare in the spot light.
On my own.
To discover you're not even on the stage,
but in the crowd.
You, who had once meant so much to me,
now just another face I see,
yet cant identify.
I'll leave the stage,
and soon you'll miss your show.
You get ******.
but you already never called.
so I've taken a step back,
Just like you.

This space was intended for us to realise what we wanted.
Encourage us to work out this twisted bond.
But what if, all that was to discover was
How you could replace us, and go on to live your life.
And I not needing you.

Though, no amount of actions or phrases could cover,
the underlying space that remains,
in your heart, in your mind.
in every blink of your eye,
knowing where I once stood.
to looking how far I now stand.
Apple on a Rose May 2019
I'm mad that I wanted you.
I hate that with the simplicity of a song so much can overflow back to me.
I was doing so well.
So ******* well.
Ignorance is bliss as they say.
To cut you out is to cut out that bit of myslef that was causing the pain too.
And thats how I liked it.
But as those words that leave the speaker,
So does any thought, desire or hope, that I could really just cut you out like that.
Apple on a Rose Jun 2019
how do you disemble a wall you never conciously created.
how do you let someone into the deepest parts of you when you dont even like to go there for long.
when you cant get there.
lost under the shadows of the ever growing walls.
knowing any attampt to climb would be to accecpt death.
yet to be overwhelmed under them
is to be forever lost
Therfore never truly even living.
Apple on a Rose Jun 2017
When the superhero's the villain,
Coming to be saved.
When you fall flat on your ***.
Expected to be broken for days.
Oh how the mighty have fallen.
Of all they expected to be.
Oh how the mighty have fallen.
Been falling since before age three.
When the superhero turns villain
But did he really turn?
Did he ever allow that side to show.
Is it something he's yet to learn.
But when the 'teacher' gives up.
As the past three had done.
For the sake of her own sanity.
And hope of her own heart.
Oh how the mighty have fallen.
But from where which was so mighty?
That pedestal you built yourself?
Or that crown that was forever wonky.
When the superhero's the villain.
And 'poor Jane' is left to learn
How to be her own God dam fucken' hero.
Her own who will never burn.
Apple on a Rose Apr 2019
Do tear drops hold the weight to bend a single flower petal?
they come from so much energy.
an expression if you will
rounded up all our insides until they are exploding out
with no other possible way to articulate these emotions being felt
so water is produced from our eyes
and our breath is taken to a quiver
with not enough power to decrown a single petal
yet being all the energy, power and will
we can sum up.
Apple on a Rose May 2019
Its this time of night that the temptation creeps in.
The curiosity of what a message would envoke.
What truths could be set free,
Or more realistically; what lies would continue.
Regaining composure, to remember
I wont grant you the power to disapoint me again.
Apple on a Rose Jan 2017
I told him I was stupid,
yet continued with my words.
As the tears fell, I knew,
I would never truly be heard.
I could see his 'smart' smirk,
as he tossed those peanuts down his trap.
That clock ticked over in his head,
as the game was prepared to call out.
But it was the match that was struck,
when the audience hid.
As with no audience,
The performers are left all to real..
Beneath their masks,
something they could never unveil.
Apple on a Rose Mar 2019
I'm a type of tired
that no amount of sleep will fix
the 8 hour recommendation and three cycles of REM
Isn't the cure I'm looking for
I'm wondering lost
though not in a dream
in an unrealistic reality
one that doesn't feel like life
all though each day will pass
a waste? or needed replenishment?
pure laziness has crossed my mind
though truth be told, many have an opinion on the matter.
Although even I do not know of the truth
perhaps it is one I ignore
or one I don't have the energy to identify.
So I just continue to wonder
lost, but not in a dream.
Tired.
Apple on a Rose May 2019
I hate that I gave you the power to hurt me.
And I never will again.
Apple on a Rose May 2019
I think I need you to care
So I can stay true to the persona that I don't.
Apple on a Rose May 2019
the truth is, or so ive recently learned.
games of love are just manipulations in disguise.
Apple on a Rose May 2019
It was never love.
Apple on a Rose Jun 2019
I just try and ruin everything before it has the chance to ruin me.
Apple on a Rose May 2019
I'm done. I was hurt. I foolishly cared. Now I dont.
Done.
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