I am the type of woman you never deserved.

I think you know its over when you don't miss the old times.
You look at them and remember them fondly.
But the warmth that once lit your heart doesn't come.
Perhaps the blaze suffocated by the caged walls.
Perhaps it extinguished by the tears.
Either way, clear it is no longer present.
But just as you call that call,
pass that identification,
you feel it.
A heat generated from a place un-located.
And the convincing of feelings trail and jump.
Until the realisation of the hope being nothing but the remaining coals.
Closing your eyes too feel another tear sizzle on your hearts embers.
You can't help the confusion.
Can flames relight?
Or does it just take a while for the coals to well and truly die.

I drown out my mind with music.
Let it say the words I don’t want to think.

I'm drowning under the words left unsaid.

A love so strong.
A pain so deep.
Always together
Yet laughs while I weep
Something draws me back
Is it foolishness or is it love?
My heart is under attack
At the impact of your glove.
A love so deep.
A pain so strong.
This isn't 'normal'
Can you tell something is wrong?
The way we're loyal
Yet first to betray
In the ways that truly matters
I need to walk away.
But how can I, When you're in my blood?
Until I die,
Forever carrying my love.
The memories of the old,
Keep us going through.
But then its experienced,
The circumstances of new.
Is it foolishness, or is it love?
Somethings gotta change
I can see it now,
This haunted early grave.
So desperate to stop it,
To scared to accept
Maybe time I left it.
This secret I've kept.

Do you love your job?

Then why do you choose
to spend day in day out
morning and night
with that

while your wife
and children
sit and wait at home
loving you.

"because they love money"

emptiness is a funny thing to be felt.
there's meant to be nothing there,
yet the sting is ever present.
in moments of laughter it perhaps is forgotten
if not for a split second
the act even has you fooled.
back you go to the sheets for one,
not by circumstance
but by choice.
to question again ' is there something wrong with me'
there is something wrong with you.
positive no one will understand or try.
those who do try you don't want
and those who don't are the reason for your emptiness .
they were the start.

Sometimes people want you to feel,
When all you want is to ignore.
Its what i'm good at
like the athlete that throws their body before the finish line.
Its a natural skill.
One that takes practice,
And at times can crack me under pressure.
Competing with others is never a worry.
This is a battle of my own.
I'm not sure if its a blessing or a curse.
As unlike the athlete, I am always assured to come first.
Yet every-time, losing in a devastating blow.

It’s not that I felt I didn’t have a voice.

It’s that I had no clue which direction I could point it in.

You’re actually not worth my ******* tears.

I want you to smile and mean it.
I half want you to look at another like you did me.
I want others to feel your presence and the warmth you are so capable of.
I want you to be happy, but within yourself first.
I want you to know I will get jealous when you find another.
Despite having already found mine.
I want you not to question it was real.
It was us.
It was love.
I want you to know you did **** up
And hurt me bad
I want you to know you did have that power.
I want you to know but would never tell you, it feels harder for me.
Having to restrain enough for the two.
I did love you
And part always will
I want you to know I miss our passion
And the way we were
I want you to know along with the good
I also remember the bad
I want you to know everything happens for a reason
I want us both to find that

I have loved you with every piece of my soul,
the parts that make up my heart,
the parts I'm not even totally sure how to locate.
I loved you with it all.
Everything within me.
And I knew not just because of the ways our eyes would meet,
or in the times we'd smile as we took turns letting our loved ones know;
"I'm going to marry him/her."
I know because when you broke me you broke all of me.
Pieces I didn't know could carry feelings
Now felt crushed into a million,
Each weighed down by their own pain.
I know because the cliche's
Of girls being unable to eat
and going slightly crazy
No longer were something of a dramatic film.
But an experienced reality straonger than any other thing I've felt.
I was filled with fury,
So sure each part of me was cabale of turning red
Causeing burn to the touch
In the way my body consitantly shook from the adreinalin beneith my skin and the hollowness of my body lacking fuel.
Everything no long being apitising,
Just chores I was told I had to do.
I was angry with every fiber in my being.
In ways I've never felt,
And weren't prepared for.
Because it was you.
It was never meant to be you.
The tears that burnt my skin werent meant to blame you
The torture inflicted was never meant to have you as the cause.
The sleepless nights and workouts at 4am with hopes of exhaustion
Were never meant to be caused by you.
Entering my dreams turning them to nightmares.
It was you.
I was not prepared for it to be.

Because, it was always meant to be you...
Just in every possible alternative way.
It was meant to be you holding me while I cried.
It was meant to be you to fetch the tea.
It was meant to be you to embrace the stillness when words couldnt offer much.
It was meant to be you to chose the songs of emotion and love.
It was meant to be you in every other possible way.

But now I need to learn to know.
Who a person is
And who you thought they could be
Are rarely the same..

why do so many words whirl though my mind,
but so few come out my mouth.

I need to stop giving you the power to dethrone me.