I have loved you with every piece of my soul,
the parts that make up my heart,
the parts I'm not even totally sure how to locate.
I loved you with it all.
Everything within me.
And I knew not just because of the ways our eyes would meet,
or in the times we'd smile as we took turns letting our loved ones know;
"I'm going to marry him/her."
I know because when you broke me you broke all of me.
Pieces I didn't know could carry feelings
Now felt crushed into a million,
Each weighed down by their own pain.
I know because the cliche's
Of girls being unable to eat
and going slightly crazy
No longer were something of a dramatic film.
But an experienced reality straonger than any other thing I've felt.
I was filled with fury,
So sure each part of me was cabale of turning red
Causeing burn to the touch
In the way my body consitantly shook from the adreinalin beneith my skin and the hollowness of my body lacking fuel.
Everything no long being apitising,
Just chores I was told I had to do.
I was angry with every fiber in my being.
In ways I've never felt,
And weren't prepared for.
Because it was you.
It was never meant to be you.
The tears that burnt my skin werent meant to blame you
The torture inflicted was never meant to have you as the cause.
The sleepless nights and workouts at 4am with hopes of exhaustion
Were never meant to be caused by you.
Entering my dreams turning them to nightmares.
It was you.
I was not prepared for it to be.

Because, it was always meant to be you...
Just in every possible alternative way.
It was meant to be you holding me while I cried.
It was meant to be you to fetch the tea.
It was meant to be you to embrace the stillness when words couldnt offer much.
It was meant to be you to chose the songs of emotion and love.
It was meant to be you in every other possible way.

But now I need to learn to know.
Who a person is
And who you thought they could be
Are rarely the same..

You’re actually not worth my ******* tears.

I think there's an extra layer of pain in the level of pain I feel.  It shows I had never loved, how I loved you.

I showed you my scars
And opened my pain before your eyes.
You made the choice to pierce my heart
So those scars were now wounds again

I truly loved you. With all my being.
But your actions forced me to make the decision and identify;
I deserved and owed it to myself that same level of love and respect.
And that’s why I walked away

You say she is the only one to truly know you.
So now you have lost a girl who loved the true you.
In atempt to entertain the versions of yourself you felt others wanted you to be.
In all this acting you've become so lost and numb to who you are.  
In what you stand for
In what you simply want.
The only thing you have left which is honest is
She, is
A true loss.

I had to be okay
Because it was judged others were worse.
I wasn't aloud to be angry,
Because others were angrier.
I needed the help.
But none was there.
It had all already been allocated to those who needed it 'more'.
I needed my parents,
But only ever had one.
And that one's attention was to busy with another.
I begged the other to step up,
But should of know only the inevitable would follow,
Betrayal and disapointment.
I had to be okay,
Because it was judged that others were worse.
So I became worse.
Losing the fights I had to face alone.
But I was "strong"
I was "independant"
I was "okay"
The truth is I just wasn't a priority,
When I needed to be one.
I was sick of being strong,
I was sick of feeling weak,
I was sick of not being aloud to be angry.
So I became angrier.
My voice would never be heard,
No matter how loud I became.
No matter how logical or articulate.
I was forever fighting,
With the more people shutting me down,
The more I fought.
I was not a priority for anyone.
Even fighting myself.
I could never accept their words,
Deep down begging myself to believe in the truth.
But what truth?
How true is something when everyone who is close to it is in denial
A truth I tried to self teach,
Became this glimmer of hope.
Please Lord let this be the truth.
Let it truly be wrong to be treaated this way.
Please Lord let it not be 'normal'
I can't be the only one not to accept this.
It's a funny thing acceptance.
When everyone goes against you
Recreating this 'truth'.
It is all to easy to get lost in it,
And thats where I found myself.
Lost in every version of this "truth".
Just hanging to this glimmer of hope of what my truth, truly is.

The closer I let you in,
The more I have to lose.

To be vulnerable is not my strong suit,
I see it as a short fuse.
Not much good could come
Of letting people in.
Let alone someone I actually care about.
Where would I begin.
To lose would feel like nothing,
Though you are not mine to have lost.
With everything that passes by,
The inability to feel the cost/
As the momories come flooding past now,
It is I who drove the end.
What a foolish girl.
Pushing people past what they can mend.
It is a self reflection.
A trap between two minds.
What is deserved and what is deprived.
A foolish little girl,
Who should know better than to play games.
Even if they unconsicously take place.
One can not go on, testing in these ways.

I think you’re already the person you want to be,
You just don’t let yourself be her.

how do you disemble a wall you never conciously created.
how do you let someone into the deepest parts of you when you dont even like to go there for long.
when you cant get there.
lost under the shadows of the ever growing walls.
knowing any attampt to climb would be to accecpt death.
yet to be overwhelmed under them
is to be forever lost
Therfore never truly even living.

I just try and ruin everything before it has the chance to ruin me.

you'd rather ruin a good thing,
in attempt to control some level of hurt,
rather than soak in current happiness.

confusion about why I'm confused.

How can you support someone,
while they're the reason youre needing support?

why do so many words whirl though my mind,
but so few come out my mouth.

You're great. More than great.
Probably true too.
But how do you offer up an imcomplete version of yourslef?
How do you persue a feeling while still trying to supress and hide the feelings you know stay with another.
Its not you its me.
But its not me either.
Its him.

I'm mad that I wanted you.
I hate that with the simplicity of a song so much can overflow back to me.
I was doing so well.
So ******* well.
Ignorance is bliss as they say.
To cut you out is to cut out that bit of myslef that was causing the pain too.
And thats how I liked it.
But as those words that leave the speaker,
So does any thought, desire or hope, that I could really just cut you out like that.

I'm drowning under the words left unsaid.

I drown out my mind with music.
Let it say the words I don’t want to think.

Its this time of night that the temptation creeps in.
The curiosity of what a message would envoke.
What truths could be set free,
Or more realistically; what lies would continue.
Regaining composure, to remember
I wont grant you the power to disapoint me again.

I think I need you to care
So I can stay true to the persona that I don't.

I need to stop giving you the power to dethrone me.

I don’t even want you.
I just wanted to reject you.

You’ll never know what you did to me
Now I know that line is clichè
But it’s true.
Never will I allow it to leave my lips for your ears.
I will continue the toughness and laugh at your attempts to make me jealous. Knowing full well should I choose to enter that game, the victory would be mine.
This is all you’ll see.
An Ice queen capable of cutting you off, never to bat an eye lid your way ever again.
Prehaps even left you wondering why or what you had done wrong.
Guessing if I found out, or how much I knew to be true.
This is what you’ll get from me.

What you won’t see is all the typed and deleted messages.
The screams into the pillow and my fists attempt to release some level of fury that fills my veins.
You’ll never know how many tears fell or how many boys were turned away.

You will become a mess not knowing what a mess you made of her.

I hate that I gave you the power to hurt me.
And I never will again.

I'm done. I was hurt. I foolishly cared. Now I dont.
Done.

It was never love.

the truth is, or so ive recently learned.
games of love are just manipulations in disguise.

I am the type of woman you never deserved.

You are meant to love your children more than anything in the world.
Yet I don't think you have ever deemed anyone worthy of more love than that of which you give yourself.
But that's the funny thing.
You don't even love yourself.
Just to proud to admit to how ashamed you are.

He shook me.
He made me realise that to them,
I can be just as disposable as the rest.

I think you know its over when you don't miss the old times.
You look at them and remember them fondly.
But the warmth that once lit your heart doesn't come.
Perhaps the blaze suffocated by the caged walls.
Perhaps it extinguished by the tears.
Either way, clear it is no longer present.
But just as you call that call,
pass that identification,
you feel it.
A heat generated from a place un-located.
And the convincing of feelings trail and jump.
Until the realisation of the hope being nothing but the remaining coals.
Closing your eyes too feel another tear sizzle on your hearts embers.
You can't help the confusion.
Can flames relight?
Or does it just take a while for the coals to well and truly die.

Maybe a pen bleeds into paper
Because that’s what you’re too doing
With the words you write onto it.

Do tear drops hold the weight to bend a single flower petal?
they come from so much energy.
an expression if you will
rounded up all our insides until they are exploding out
with no other possible way to articulate these emotions being felt
so water is produced from our eyes
and our breath is taken to a quiver
with not enough power to decrown a single petal
yet being all the energy, power and will
we can sum up.

I don’t want to build a bridge.
Unless it is absolutely certain,
it will go up in flames
The second my last foot leaves it’s surface.
I want to smell it burn
As I feel the heat explode over my back.
Confirming there is no convinenece
In turning around
And walking straight back over to all I knew.

traps waiting to snap
luring you in
to push you free at the last minute
before the jaws are slammed shut for good.
its a favour, although the questions of why and the tears along your face
you don't want to be trapped within this trap where I live.

I'm a type of tired
that no amount of sleep will fix
the 8 hour recommendation and three cycles of REM
Isn't the cure I'm looking for
I'm wondering lost
though not in a dream
in an unrealistic reality
one that doesn't feel like life
all though each day will pass
a waste? or needed replenishment?
pure laziness has crossed my mind
though truth be told, many have an opinion on the matter.
Although even I do not know of the truth
perhaps it is one I ignore
or one I don't have the energy to identify.
So I just continue to wonder
lost, but not in a dream.
Tired.

Sometimes people want you to feel,
When all you want is to ignore.
Its what i'm good at
like the athlete that throws their body before the finish line.
Its a natural skill.
One that takes practice,
And at times can crack me under pressure.
Competing with others is never a worry.
This is a battle of my own.
I'm not sure if its a blessing or a curse.
As unlike the athlete, I am always assured to come first.
Yet every-time, losing in a devastating blow.

Maybe she didn't know how to be loved so fully.  
Is that what that was?
He wanted to tell her and teach her of how phenomenal she was in his eyes.
But when she looked through her own.  All she could see was the words of another. 
The words engraved in her mind, soul and self.
How could one possibly love [me] this much.  When those who were genetically programmed for that purpose, were,
are, incapable.

She had so much love to give.  but would not let anyone close. loving from a distance is all she knew.

What do you think is more painful?
Reliving other people’s pain,
Or, retelling your own.
?

I want you to smile and mean it.
I half want you to look at another like you did me.
I want others to feel your presence and the warmth you are so capable of.
I want you to be happy, but within yourself first.
I want you to know I will get jealous when you find another.
Despite having already found mine.
I want you not to question it was real.
It was us.
It was love.
I want you to know you did **** up
And hurt me bad
I want you to know you did have that power.
I want you to know but would never tell you, it feels harder for me.
Having to restrain enough for the two.
I did love you
And part always will
I want you to know I miss our passion
And the way we were
I want you to know along with the good
I also remember the bad
I want you to know everything happens for a reason
I want us both to find that

It’s not that I felt I didn’t have a voice.

It’s that I had no clue which direction I could point it in.

Finally having something
to relate to the love songs.

leads to inevitably
having something
to relate to the rest.

Do you love your job?

Then why do you choose
to spend day in day out
morning and night
with that

while your wife
and children
sit and wait at home
loving you.

"because they love money"

I don't know how to express what I'm feeling.
to someone I love.
To someone who 'loves' me.
Yet loves to hurt me.

emptiness is a funny thing to be felt.
there's meant to be nothing there,
yet the sting is ever present.
in moments of laughter it perhaps is forgotten
if not for a split second
the act even has you fooled.
back you go to the sheets for one,
not by circumstance
but by choice.
to question again ' is there something wrong with me'
there is something wrong with you.
positive no one will understand or try.
those who do try you don't want
and those who don't are the reason for your emptiness .
they were the start.

When you do speak
at times
I hear him.
Them.
Is it what I'm looking for?
Waiting for the ball to drop
A reason to run
To call myself stupid
And explain I should of
known.
Or is it what I bring out
of people
family
friends
you.
Have I done this.
to ruin another
like they did
me.
That would be
the true
irony

It does scare me.
What I hate more than anything
Am I carrying on?

They always told me I loved it.
I 'got off'  to the drama.

Is it their voices,
In my head now?
Or did their words
speak the truth of me.

A truth,
I was unwilling to see.

what if the space didn't work?

You stepped back pre-occupied,
expecting me to step forward.
To dance.
But what if I was sick of standing bare in the spot light.
On my own.
To discover you're not even on the stage,
but in the crowd.
You, who had once meant so much to me,
now just another face I see,
yet cant identify.
I'll leave the stage,
and soon you'll miss your show.
You get ******.
but you already never called.
so I've taken a step back,
Just like you.

This space was intended for us to realise what we wanted.
Encourage us to work out this twisted bond.
But what if, all that was to discover was
How you could replace us, and go on to live your life.
And I not needing you.

Though, no amount of actions or phrases could cover,
the underlying space that remains,
in your heart, in your mind.
in every blink of your eye,
knowing where I once stood.
to looking how far I now stand.