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My apology is automatic
  in my moment of weakness
I know what I want and
  seek safety before that.
Safety in disconnection
  flattery a lure and a
  weapon.
The urge so strong
Unstoppable until the
Moment of weakness then
Insight and
Clarity
The memory is voracious
Imposing itself in real time
The flashbacks come
     Highly anticipated
Like a satisfied trauma survivor
     Actually waiting for
           the next movie showing in my mind
My mind is clear
     Eyes open
Such a microscopic line between
pleasure and pain
right and wrong
should and should not
can and
will
The discovery of time travel
Bittersweet
Takes my breath away
Electric current convulses
Every exposed nerve
Inside
  and
Out
Curious if this has changed
who I was
am
will be
Soul searching
Surprising catalyst provokes
thoughtful reflection of
what is and
never was
He is here and there and
Everywhere
Inside me I find I am
lost inside me I find
I am lost
Inside me I find
You
Him
I
am
lost
Over the top and
Under the surface
Where have I gone
The reflection in the
mirror and his eyes
is
Unrecognizable.
I am lost.
Searching for my soul.
She floated in by accident
appeared a gentle creature
until she revealed her
true nature.
I held her hand
when the doc said
it's cancer.
"You are such a good friend"
she said.
I visited her
prone in her bendable bed
when the doc said
"I think we got it all."
"I can't believe you came."
she said.
The lonliness and fear
evident.
Those wings
Those spots
Those ample curving lines
camouflage
for her sinister plan.
I thought I was protecting her
when I allowed her
into my heart
into my home.
She moved in when she
abandoned her children
because she hated her life.
I thought I was a refuge.
Only later
did I discover that
I was a target.
She didn't want me to
nurture her back to health
to return to her own family.
She wanted to replace me in mine.
She wanted what she couldn't have.
She
defines
Betrayal.
She
defines
Corrupt.
She
is
the
reason
for
Hearts of Darkness.
This is what happens when you open yourself to friendship with a twisted and sick person.  They try to destroy your life....and my mistake was to bend over backwards for her and allow it to happen.  Lesson learned the hardest way.  Funny thing is she got mad at me when I confided in her that he was cheating on me...guess she didn't appreciate being a cheated on cheater...must've shattered her illusion that she was somebody special.
She tickles and teases
pretends to be your friend
except the only thing she wanted
was the attention of men
Part of "tending my garden"
is to exterminate the vile
and toxic weeds
sown by the contributions
of the vultures who
invaded my delicate earth
The thorny vines will
be terminated and
the vultures will die
a lonley and pathetic
death of irrelevance

4/16/13
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