i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"
   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"
so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"
i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"
before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"
   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried

I want to tell him
that I’m scared,
that I’ve been here before.
And that the last time I felt potential like this it imploded;
I imploded.
But I don’t want to taint it,
You see I’m still hopeful
That maybe this time
Won’t end up laced with maybes,
Or what ifs,
Or open wounds pouring blood onto paper.
That maybe this time,
just won’t end.

I’ve not quite worked out whether I think it’s beautiful,
Or stupid -
The human capacity,
And pliancy,
And longing,
For love.

it's been days since i've been able to write about you
whenever i tried -
i just couldn't..
i started to believe that maybe
that was your way of telling me to stop
to forget about you
but you should know
that i can't do that
because you're the only one
who makes me both happy and sad
and i love that you have the ability to do that
it hurts me sometimes
but at other times i love it
you're considering to leave, aren't you?
and that's why you want me to stop
stop writing about you
so that way i might lose my feelings for you
but its not that easy
don't you ******* get that?
i've tried my best to lose all feelings for you
but it's not that ******* easy
maybe you should put yourself
in my position
and then you'll understand
just how i feel
because it's quite obvious
that you don't have any idea whatsoever
of what i go through
and maybe you need to
maybe that will make you love me
love me like i love you
although that may seem impossible
because my love for you
can never be fully expressed or explained
can it?
but please don't leave
even if it's harder to stay
please, don't
leave. //

"Who do you want to be?"
that's all everyone seems to ask me as i get older
but can't it be normal to not want to be anything special?
can't it be normal to want to be
alive? or
happy?
no? they all expect me to say i want to be a
lawyer
nurse
doctor
whatever it may be
but what if i say *"i don't know"
is that a crime?
because you make it seem like it is
but is it a crime to just want to be happy?
is it a crime to want to be able to live my life the way i want to?
i guess it is
i'm a fugitive then
because i don't know who i am
or who i want to be
i want to be happy
and since that is a crime
i'll continue to be a fugitive
i'll continue to be on the run
you can come and search for me, i don't care
i'm doing what i want to do
not your definition of what i should do.* //

everyone thought i was crazy
because i said all i need to feel alive
is your touch
but they didn't get your touch like i did
you didn't touch anyone else
like you touched me
and that's why no one would ever understand
your touch is my addiction
without it, i go crazy
i should be in an asylum
a mental institution
that's what they all say
but they can't treat me
they can't cure me
they won't be able to bring you back
and without your touch
i slowly go crazy
because i don't have my drug
i don't have what i'm addicted to
and there's no medication
for my addiction
because i'm not addicted to heroine
or *******
i'm addicted to you
and there is no cure
for such an addiction
because you're rare
and even though you're gone
you will always be
rare. //

ever since the first day i met you
all you've ever wanted
is just a cup of orange juice
nothing else
just that
and to me, that made you unique
different from everyone else
i won't forget the day i met you
the day i first heard your voice
the waiter asked your order and all you said was,
"Just a cup of orange juice, please."
i didn't get it -
i mean, why would anyone go to a restaurant
just for a cup of orange juice?
but you did it
as some sort of exploration
as some sort of research of cafes and restaurants
i thought that was pretty crazy when you first told me
but now i live to hear you ask me for orange juice
i love when you come home late at night
exhausted and you say,
"baby, get me a cup of orange juice please."
if you don't ask me for a cup of orange juice
i'll know for sure that something's wrong
because my baby, doesn't go a day without an orange juice. //

i figured i would share a joke with you
my life
it's obviously a joke
because everyone seems to judge so easily
and laugh about everything
so why not share what seems to be
the funniest joke ever known?
it's funny how every ******* thing i go through
is entertainment
is a joke
what if you were the one going through this?
i guess no one would laugh at you though
look at you,
you're beautiful
and i can't compare
but why judge me when you haven't even endured
at least half the pain i have?
are you aware of how ******* difficult it is for me to live?
because all i seem to be able to think about
is dying because my life is a joke
and maybe if i died
the joke would end
because that's all i really want
i want all of you to stop laughing
at all the pain
tribulations
and trials i endure
each and every day..
maybe, if you knew what i went through,
you would be more sympathetic..
but go on, enjoy the joke
because soon, the joke will be over. //

we have been two completely different people
but we still manage to love each other
love each more than any of us could ever imagine
ever since you entered my life
my mornings have been better
the sun has shone brighter
the birds have sang louder
everyone and everything
seems to fall completely into place
i always knew i was a puzzle missing a puzzle piece
but i never knew where to look
i never thought to look in a coffee shop at 6 a.m. in the morning
but that's where i found you
that's where we met
and ever since we have been perfect..
i am convinced that you are a bit too much in love with coffee
but as long as you don't love it more than me
then it's healthy
because our love for each other is far from healthy
but we don't mind
and we obviously don't care..
i am not usually a morning person
but waking up each morning
seeing you in our kitchen,
having your cup of coffee
is refreshing
and instantly puts a smile on my face..
it's funny how something so simple
can mean so much to me
to us
i aim to wake before you
so i can be the one to make your coffee
so i can be the one to wrap my arms around you
so you know you're safe
until you open your eyes and see me
the one you love
the one who loves you
my mornings will never get any better than they already are
because my mornings waking up to you
is the best thing
i could ever
ask for. //

...there are many words to explain your love for someone
once you truly love them
but that's not true
i can never find the accurate placement
of 26 letters to explain my love for you
and that's because i truly love you
there are many aspects of you which are hard to explain
what i fall in love with
some might not like
and i don't care what people say
because their thoughts of who you are
is not who you are to me
and that won't change my love for you
because i am highly convinced that you -
are the one for me
and whether or not you might feel the same way about me
i know that one day
we will be the one for each other
i don't care if it will take months or even years
as long as i get to have you all to myself
i have absolutely nothing to complain about
because you're you
and you are the one for me
people can say what they want to say
but what does that have to do with me?
absolutely nothing
no one is me
and i am no one, but me
so how they feel,
will never change how i feel
people say the best and the worst things
that's just us
we're human, isn't that so?
so let's be human
just a different type from everyone else
because we won't allow
what people say to cause us to change ourselves
because we are who we are meant to be. //