It ain’t love language if we need a translator.
It ain’t true if I put together our signs on multiple websites until it said we stood a chance.
He’s a failed experiment.
Not only cause I almost had him but cause he looks like one.
I was right to call him baby, cause he’s my son.
When he hears Lana Del Rey he thinks of me.
It’s so girlcore of me.
Ugh, the urge to dress up in dollette.
And lie all day rotting in my bed.
So much for a brat summer.
Ugh, the way he’s caught up in me.
I said I’d give him heaven but I gave him hell.
I remember the look of his all too well.
But he deserved to land the wrong side of the coin.
When he hears Lana it’s my pretty face he sees.
It’s so funny to me.

Red sky, swallow me.
Injecting eurodance straight into my blood system.
Red god, pity me.
I don’t let them, I’m a wall.
Swallow me, swallow me.
Into the chasm of vermillion.
Red sky, pity me.
I’m too hard to see through now, I don’t give up, I’m a wall.
So let me fall, fall, fall.

Envy, there’s envy and jealousy.
Lust, there’s lust and it’s killing me.
Looks of judgment, there’s embers and they’re burning me.
Lights, astigmatism has me spinning.
Mile markers, numbers increasing.
Heartbeat, it’s speeding - speed, my heart’s beating.
The most electric feeling.
Beating like Jailhouse Rock.
I feel it in my chest.
I need to stop.

Red sky, who are they to downgrade me?
God in the sky, what am I to say?
I have a lot to let out, this life’s unfair and rigged.
Will I make the news if I write the next Devil Glitch?
I could write the longest poem.
Will they love me if I do?
My lover says they’re not in my lane, cause we’re mean but beautiful.
And what am I to say?
Yes, you, red sky, what am I meant to say to you?

7, there’s 7 letters in my last name.
7, there’s seven lanes in this ****** highway.
Heaven, there’s paradise down in Nevada.
And I’m cast out of it.
7, there’s 7 sins they preach about.
7, my lucky number since I was a baby.
Heaven, my boyfriend’s cuter than yours.
And I’m not over it.

Mean but beautiful.
Mean but beautiful.
Mean but beautiful.
Mean but beautiful.

Vinyl spinning and my head too.
I paint my walls blue like the sky.
Lacy curtains in my bedroom.
And happiness is a spectrum.

Happiness is a choice, but not for everyone.
Happiness is a privilege I don’t always have.
Happiness is a road I’m still afraid to take.

And I used to be so crazy.
None of my friends know the songs I hum in bath.
I’m antique baby boy.
Me and Esther G would be chasing butterflies.

But she’s dead and I’m not.
I think of her watching limousines.
Let in the sun when it’s hot.
Cater the icon which I’m not.

Life is an illusion, it’s beyond what you can see.
Life is a deck, there’s cards you pull and deal.
Life is a gift, not everyone appreciates.

I used to love it like crazy.
My friends think I’m from a time machine from last century.
I’m antique baby boy.
And I used to be so crazy.

Claudia, you’ve had it rough.
Now lie down and think to yourself.
When the sun rises tomorrow, what will you wear?
Claudia, forget all my sins.
I thought you knew people change.
Your eyes are full of sorrow and the world’s in your hair.

You’re convinced you’ll be a star.
And tired, we know you are.
You’re trying, I see that too.

I won’t lay in your arms and I won’t be your lover.
Remember to stay strong and remain sober.
People that hurt you, they’ll burn in hell someday.
Promise you’ll keep fighting long as you can, girl.

Claudia, you’re headaches will end long as you know the truth from the lies.
No man will bore you out of sadness.
Won’t make you happy, cause I tried.
Claudia, now travel south to high grounds if you don’t wanna end up flooded.
Wear perfume and your favorite color.
Made up your mind what to wear tomorrow?

You’re convinced, yeah, you are.
You’ll become a star.
You’re trying, see it in you.
I believed in you when nobody would.
Invite me to your star in Hollywood.
Nothing wrong in being misunderstood.
Cause I got you.
Yes, I got you.

Ryan, is Texas sunny?
Do you like it there?
I’ll love you if you give me a plane ticket to Dallas and conclude your harlot days.
Ryan, I’m just one of many.
No more than ordinary.
I’m almost ready to relearn how to love for my *** days are at an end.

You say you want a boyfriend and want things to stay the same.
I’d fight my nature but can’t, I turn like a weather vane.
Four familiar notes play and suddenly I’m Virgil Caine.
But you, sweet boy, you stay the same.

And you’re too sweet for me.
I don’t even mean to sugarcoat, but I think that.
I’d give you what you want, but the miles in between won’t let me get closer to you.
Must be warmer where you’re at.
In Texas.

You need something I have an abundance of and nobody to rain it on.
But you’re in Dallas and all I can do is write this poem.
So enjoy the weather.
Bathe in the sun.
And good luck in searching for the light of your life.

We
We fell
We fell in love in a different universe.
We
We fell
We fell in love in a hopeful place.
Place your hand on mine, don’t take it away.
Face on my face, let’s make out till it’s late.
Wait till they figure out what’s going on,
behind close doors,
behind the walls.
Place where we are is unreachable.
Grace, I’m no longer scared of true love.
Ace of clubs, we’re just now falling in love,
wasn’t that long ago,
who would’ve really known.

We fell in love in a hopeful place.
Under palm trees in my favorite place.

Place I’m from it’s lost to corruption.
Hate to reiterate so don’t ask for more.
Save yourself pain, I’m a blank card now,
I’ve started over now,
pessimistic and low.

But we fell in love in a hopeful place.
Where stars come out, that’s my favorite place.

At last I’m free from my fear.
I’m sore but resilient after the fight.
For whatever I’ve left I remain here.
I’m not dying but following the light.

One is Attraction, the pull undefeated.
A willow swaying in a barren land that’s counterfeited.
The siren on the shore, the relentless deceiver.
Dilator of eyes, arrow of love that’s unrequited.
A lightning in a jar.
A vault full to the ceiling.
A crater from a star.
Ravaging like war feeling.

Two is Courage, the push of death and glory.
A volcano of heart spewing out lava, caved in quarry.
A dagger cutting deep, the vicious territory.
Mistake to rue, the driving factor of the story.
A temporary elation.
A heavy pen to write with.
An abrupt deviation.
Wings and a tall cliff.

Three is Confession, the towering dam collapsed.
A diary in the sun, the voice of compassion and lust.
Naked truth and waterfall, an iron door trespassed.
A glimpse of the future, a ripe fruit of the past.
A dark room entered.
A pink envelope delivered.
An amatory venture.
Beauty in something shattered.

Four is Rejection, the end of the world.
Calamity made happen, melted candle and the cold.
The night killer, umbrellaless in a downpour.
Coins in ripped pockets, a fractured soul.
Debris of cards.
The shortest kiss.
Excess of stars.
A bullseye missed.

I don’t drink
and I don’t party either
don’t do drugs
and not because of fear

I’m 21, but a rock solid introvert
social anxiety has me seeking cover
thoughts like stallions, I need to hold my horses
just sad
I’m way too young to be thinking about…

let’s not go down the rabbit hole
I’m not Alice
know no malice
but I’m not soft

why don’t we just go downtown
hit the store
our boulevard
lagoon palace

I cried for years knowing my baby was gonna die
and when she did it took me three days to stop
I was out of tears
and aware of afterlife
two nights after she visited me asleep just to say she was fine

and on the nights I cried in advance
I could’ve drunk or danced
but I didn’t
it’s all awfully sad
I should be living my youth, it’s bad
I’m too young to be thinking about…
death.

I’m in the highest tower picking petals off of flowers.
Listening to the sound of silence, this is what I do for hours.
It never was about the extremities of youth which everyone had.
I lay on the bed.
I keep account of the boys I yearned for but I never had.
Like a princess in the highest tower I spent my best years.
An endless pandemic it is.
I do dust angels, dust angels.
I’m a ******.
I’m a harlot.
I’m God’s favorite.
A dragonslayer’s love interest.
But in this tower I’ve no choice but to stay.
My prince must’ve died on his way.

Nothing.
The dreams don’t exist.
The fears don’t exist.
Memories.
Relationships.
It’s all empty space.
Love affairs.
The dogmas.
Gaping wounds, wide smiles.
Unsaid things, joy rides.
Broken hearts, good deeds.
There’s nothing in this place.
Just silence.
Absoluteness.
Peace.
But the place where I’m at right now has every one of those things.

I did it again.
I am a victim of self abasement.
I let my fear get the best of me.
Take a smile away from me.
I’m falling back into the basement.

Nothing such as the nagging feeling whether it’s love or a one week thing.
A perfect mixture of affection and greed but never sure if they blend well.
On the water surface there’s ripples and watercolor palaces.
Like spilled paint.
Dancing from left to right.
Is it wrong or right?
He’s cute but I already got someone.

I never lock the gate to my personalities manor.
I’m in Denmark but I wish I was with him in Oregon.
It’s most likely a come-and-go kind of situation.
But regardless, I wish he was here watching the buildings dance.
Their reflections.
That resplendent street in Copenhagen.
It’s like they melted like I melted when I met him.
Like a watercolor palace.

Dark hair, cute eyes, yes, I like that.
But it’s not everything about a man I want.
My fetish is honesty, realness, when he listens.
When he tells me I said the same thing twice.
If you think that we’re not meant then don’t prolong it.
What’s meant to crash will crash anyway.
And don’t you ever break my heart for fun.
It’s always been my least favorite metaphor.
And my least favorite reason to run.

Cause my heart doesn’t break.
If they told you I scream your name at midnight it was fake.
But don’t you say a word to your friends.
I know your address.
Why don’t you straight up say it to my face.
That you knew we were not meant and let me crash into you.
You closed the gate in the last second.
Was quite the explosion.
And I still remember that look on your face.
It was so unattractive.
That smell of a sweet fruit that’s gone stale.
My kink is real **** but you were just fake.

And I finally mean it when I say I’m over you.
Cause my heart doesn’t break.
And I finally mean it when I say I’m over you.

Beguile me like bioluminescence.
I love you, doe-eyed siren, take all my money.
My friends envy caused them virescence.
They’re too casual to see my summer tan.
But he’s just my type.
But he’s what I like.
I hear assurances of love twice as much.
Like a werwolf, come night I am a ****.
But he doesn’t cry on my shoulder ever.
I only trash my curse of obsolescence.
But he’s so attractive.
He’s exactly what I want.
But before I throw it in the fire.
Let me get my summer tan on.

Aquamarine swimming costumes don’t make me blend in enough.
Pearls poked through and imprisoned with a string hanging about.
Just want to kiss you on the bridge.
Bend you backwards over the railing as we do.
Stare at the blue lights in the swimming pool.
Most of all be with you.
I opened like a pearl from the ocean depths.
But I think I’m closing up again.

Wonder what you think of me.
If you said you needed me right now, I’d break my back to be there.

I often contemplate how you perceive me.
And if I were a magician, still wouldn’t read your mind.
Let the truth be hidden.

But don’t you think I’m marrying you for the money, boy.
It’s not true.
Don’t let my attitude fool you.
I’m not mean, just defensive.
And I think I’m closing up again.

Make it alright.
Since we love Nicki Minaj I’d listen to her with you till daylight.
Share my headphones and hotbox my vape all night.
Make it alright.
Because we both get off on the same things let’s laugh together.
Play those videos from a decade ago but hot forever.
Make it all right.
I’ve a rough past and I need to spill tea or it overflows.
I do it anyway, but I’d rather keep somebody close.
Make it all right.
Make it overnight.
I’d hold your love like diamonds in a vault and watch it all life.
I’d write you a love song whenever you feel like you wanna cry.
I’d take you out and have you come in and out on repeat.
I’d make it so that you’re never alone and I would never leave.
Make it real life.
I want your love but I’m just not in a mood for tossing cards.
But regardless I do daydream about us.

When I noticed you side-eyeing me smack dab in the middle of the square
I figured either you were just into me or that was a look of judgement
I didn’t get near
I remember what I sacrificed
Last man I liked I mistakenly tried to earn him and look what it got me
He’s nobody
My caricature
And he brings out the cold ***** in me
But the boy I saw at the pride parade
He was like me I could swear it on my life
He was with a group of friends alike
I was alone and feared that type
But he was so pretty I could wear his shirt after he wore it
Mend his heart after they tore it
I could change his life
Turn it into paradise
But I failed so many times
Say I did say hi
I did like you I…
You say I too
I look into your eye
Like I own this life
Fearlessly take you out on a sushi date or something
I know one thing
I’m the best you’ll ever have
But I can’t promise you’ll appreciate it
My last didn’t, his loss, he wasted it
But who is he when I have you
Across from me
Alive and true
We laugh at nothing
We want just one thing
Get to know you
Explain my emotional scars
Tell you about my music
Heartbeat of my heart
I follow your lead to your place
Netflix ta-dum, I’m on your lips
They taste like dragonfruit
Get drunk I would if I could
We keep at it and it’s getting late
I take your clothes off
Throw them aside
Dimming the light
Make love all night
Fall in love like they never did
Don’t care what they say to it
Be happy it worked out for us
Lucky this time
This could’ve been real had I not been so broken and said hi.

Forget the dogmatic ******* and love me.
Like you would if we weren’t at the verge of crucifixion.
Lay pink leaves along the way to the bathroom and I’ll leave you.
That would be too cliché for someone my type.

I love cherry blossom trees, take me there.
I love you boy, please love me back.
Forget the stares and talking.
Know I’ll always be walking under cherry blossoms if you take me to one.
So take me to one.
I get so obsessive in love it’s just too much.
But take me to one anyway.

The knife you cut me with
You hold it with pride
But you don’t know how it feels to be proud.
You would still hurt me if you knew
how painful violence is.
You’d slit my throat if you knew you’d get away with it.

Don’t cry, it’s alright.

I hide the pain so well you keep taking more and more.
You don’t have the satisfaction of poking through my soul.
You wouldn’t know the pain.
Cause you know only bliss.
You never held hands and got called out at the streets.

Don’t cry, it’s alright.

I’m proud that I’m still standing.
Tougher on the surface but inside there’s still emotion.
Your devotion to break me penetrates through.
But I’m over listening.
Taking it into my heart.
You may think I’m going to hide
But I’m walking away with pride.

If that was you Camden I want to know why you came back to me after 4 years.
Your face looked familiar.
But the girl and guy from the polaroid were just there to fill the space.
We could’ve been together.
You could’ve taken me home to the state you grew up in.
Smoke something funny on the stoop.
Call your buddies over to hang out at dark.
I almost said hi when I saw you standing aimlessly by the main entrance of that fateful institution.
But I let my fears win.
I remember your IG handle but that was too much for me to handle to write you a message.
I didn’t wanna end up with you thinking I’m an idiot.
But you could’ve cause there’s men in this world who think that.
And I don’t care what they think of me.
But you said some things to me when we were on that green hill just before we split.
You could’ve talked to the actors but you chose me out of everyone there.
I know it was you.
You changed your IG handle so I can’t find you anymore, but I know your face.
And I wonder if you ever caught me looking.
If you ever knew my true intentions.
Now you’re just another American man who I could’ve made happy.
But you were just like the rest of them.
And I was broken.
Forever.

I don’t want money and I don’t want fame
infamy is enough
and his touch like a water drop on my wilting flower

I could just play house with him
why go to work
when we can lie and swing
in the balcony
light shining over me
let you undress me
it’s what you do best with me

I haven’t had the will to talk lately
the rambunctiousness in me has gone dry
like a wilting flower
watching us kiss against the mirror
you telling me we’re gonna break it
and I just had my 7 years of bad luck
so I don’t care

you take me down the elevator
to buy nachos and two coke bottles
just to empty them over woke shows and cuddles
I wanna be jumping into puddles
not into conclusions
I wanna fake my death and start over
in Rosemead where I’ll be having said I made it
smile and roll over

I hate when things get complicated
I hate when I feel so alone that your touch feels like a daydream
like a shadow
just imaginary
like you’re farther than you actually are and I’ve been lying to myself
to keep me happy
but I’m not happy when I’m without you
I don’t wanna do anything except kiss your lips and sleep at night with you
that’s honestly the only thing I have the will to do
but it’s not like I’m dead inside
just a little dry
like a wilting flower

one man in a hundred is beautiful
one in a thousand is kind
one in a million could be mine
but the stars, they don’t always align
it’s an astral lottery.

my middle school crush was straight
my high school crush was a cult leader
my college crush was a loser
and each was stronger than the other.

my first “boyfriend” made it hard to love him
my second never told me everything
my third I left cause he took more than gave
and my fourth is still somehow holding on
but it’s not like you think.

but the stars don’t always align
why won’t a man like you, Adrian, bump into me and help me pick my things up
it’s these miracles you read about that make you question
do I even deserve this
am I good enough to win in this
astral lottery.

I never thought I’d revisit your street.
But here I am.
I never thought I’d pass your house.
Not going in.
We had little to do, but a lot to talk about.
I chased the American Dream, you followed your heart.
Seven years is a lot, lot of time to think about.
And since then I met nobody who knew how to work my heart.

I didn’t love you and you didn’t love me neither.
So why am I back next to your lot?
It wasn’t sweet at all and yet it wasn’t bitter.
So why do I miss that a lot?

It was something neutral, but something at least.
I never pretended to love you, but we had a good thing.

I could’ve promised more to make you stay.
Could’ve bought you flowers to wilt away.
I could’ve done so much to show I cared.
But what I should’ve said on the first day:
I’m not gonna love you like you want.
That’s one thing I wish I’d disclosed.
You talked about our lives after I marry you.
And I replied: Yes, I suppose.

It was something real, however seemed so fake.
I never pretended to love you to set the record straight.
So why am I back next to your lot?
You hid some thoughts from me, yet I miss you a lot.
And whatnot.

In the chapel of condemnation.
On the cold checkerboard tiles I was kneeling.
Forced to repent for innocence, la vida, papi.
I was a diamond in the rough.
And for the sake of acceptance I was bleeding.
But I didn’t need nobody.

It was forever night and I was blue forever.
My halo cracked in half or so I inferred.
I was singing over water running, head below water.
But I was singing to you instead.

I’m the bereaved, la vida, papi.
But you don’t need nobody.

You can’t just please everybody.
I’m my soul, my mind, my body.

The darkness was slain by monstrance.
In the chapel of condemnation I was bound to.
With a chain around the columns, la vida, papi.
It was a complex of gothic towers.
It was a matter of liberation.
And I didn’t need nobody.

For I willingly went into the darkest tunnel there.
Unafraid of the witch at the church front gates.
I just saw the moon and I wanted to come alive again.
Would you have done if you were slowly withering away?

I’m the stained, la vida, papi.
Tainted and ****** bohemian for life, daddy.
They held me down and indebted me.
But I don’t need nobody then.
I don’t need nobody now.
I don’t need no one, amen.

I’m dichromatic, dual, duplex.
But I’ll love you all the same.
I’m just unsure if you hate or love me.
Wonder that crying into the drain.

You were the first of them.
In the beginning it was just us.
And you were the worst of them.
My genesis, the wildest card.
I sang for you at the shower head.
I knew I overdid it.
But if you knew how much I needed
you.

But if you sent for me, my love,
I’d always be your love.
I would have done everything for you.
I adored you.
And if you needed me, my love,
I’d always guard your heart.
All I’m saying I’d lived for you.
Only for you.
And if Barbara Millicent Roberts was a man,
oh yeah.

I was walking by the houses.
Took your hand like a communion wafer.
Wore a dark veil for my flaws.
And for cuts on my face like paper.
God, he made me feel like a freak.
But I was too in love to care about that.
It wasn’t Eden, was barren and bleak.
Blade into heart when I woke up after.

You were my main reason to live.
And a potential reason for my death.
Your love was unhealthy like drugs.
My death certificate, my love confession.
But I yearned for light.
And light came to me.
I turned to cry.
No one turned to me.
And you were the beginning of my poetic voyage, idiot.
I can’t say you weren’t cause you were, and I thank you for it.

But if you didn’t turn my love
down, I’d always be your love.
And if Barbara Millicent Roberts was a man…

The fool has wandered into the woods.
The magician’s wand ain’t been in use.
The high priestess lights the way ahead.
The empress ebbs life into my head.
The emperor whets his iron sword.
The hierophant always shares his word.
The lovers fit like a lock and key.
The chariot drives me across the sea.
Strength moves my tongue as I disaccord.
The hermit’s a friend in someone’s void.
Wheel of fortune blesses and befalls.
Justice always tends to my ego.
The hanged man sees art in sacrifice.
Death must happen to create new life.
Temperance is torn when doubt takes part.
The devil sits on my face at dark.
The tower’s shadow swallows up mine.
The star whispers the lost to align.
The moon’s forest is where I sally.
The sun illuminates the valley.
The judgement stares deep into my soul.
The world I’ll live in I’ve seen before.

You can’t take it from me, it’s mine.
Or weaken my faith in the divine.

Take my hand.
Take me home.
Blessed me from the start, I need you today.
But please don’t tell me to keep my head up and pray for a miracle.
I need a miracle.
I need it today.

You can’t take it from me, it’s mine.
You can’t tell me I’m wasting my time.
Or weaken my faith in something otherworldly.
It’s a new addition to myself.
I’ve been living off of faith.

So take my hand.
Take me to safety.
Bless me every morning, I need you all the time.
But please don’t tell me to bow down any harder and put on constraints.
I don’t need your help.
I’m living on my faith.

You tore my heart in half, but I fixed it.
You told me I was bad, I could fix it, you said.
It’s just that wolves howl, they can’t change it.
And fire’s meant to burn, can extinguish, but why?

First you vilify me, then you victimize me.
I’m only human, but I’m no victim of my lust.
It’s intrusive to me, so jeopardizing.
Think you missed your point.

I’m not one of your cult.
No.
I’m not one of your cult.

I’m talking to you like a friend.
Harm’s the last thing in my intent.
I can listen and decipher what you say to me.
And I’m grateful for my own sexuality.
I’m so open and honest like a loose door.
Still no excuse for them to label me a *****.

I’m not letting anything obscure you.
No.
I’m not letting anyone obscure you.

I was in the Hollywood Hills somewhere.
And baby I was feeling peaceful there.
Sitting in the back of a Starline car.
Drive wasn’t long, didn’t take me far.
I don’t really care now,
under the same sky with supernovas.
Been to hell and heaven now,
feeling alive since I got over.

Mount Lee.
Everything.
Everybody.
Red, yellow and pink.
Stan Lee.
Never seen.
But I believed.
Angels visit Earth frequently.
Sipping sangrias, driving Bentley.
Venice ***** on repeat it’s my way to get over everything, anything.
I’m drinking.

I met someone down at the Walk of Fame.
Hurt for too long, was it worth the wait?
Soon I’m packing up, leaving this city.
Thinking about her cause really she saved me.
I saw the sky turn dark blue.
Scared thinking I wasn’t honest.
Eclipse that later ensued.
Made me get over time another.

Peg, pick up the phone.
I’m not quoting you this time.
Peg, I’m home alone.
Falling off the edge of crying.
I failed, yes.
But I made me a life worth living.
I survived worse things and I’m still here.
I’m still not gone and I’m still here.

Mount Lee.
Dollar bills.
******.
Hard rain, rough wind.
Chun-Li.
Memories.
Things I’ve never seen.
Demons visit Earth frequently.
Emptying JD, driving Lambs and ****.
Hellfire’s on repeat it’s my way to get over everything, anything.
I’m still here.

86 Vee is a handsome man.
If you don’t believe me, go and see yourself.
His devotion - endless.
His commitment - endless.
No one believed me when I called him dangerous.

He sometimes went down and talked to his obsessed fans.
He even had a crown, but I tell you, I had to bounce.

He was a cult,
cult leader.
Of a cult,
cult he led.
I ****** up twice, couldn’t resist.
Been a long time, no word of him.
But on my life, I’m sure he’s still going.
They’re dumbly falling for he’s so loving
His cult,
cult bitter.
Like a cold,
cold winter.

86 Vee is a destructive man.
Every move of his, to my bones I felt.
Forced my knees bent.
Forced my letter sent.
Heard it happens every now and then.

He spread religion that went viral, slowly coiling around the world.
I couldn’t fathom their fascination, so I left him to avoid war.

He was a cult,
cult leader.
Of a cult,
cult he led.

Don’t you see how dangerous you are?
How the girls fall when you swing the door open?
You gotta put that cigarette out.
Gotta let me do my own thing.
There’s no use in talking to somebody drunk on his own ego.
Who adores the sound of bodies dropping on the floor.
Brush their hand against his and romanticize it.
I chased that high, it desensitized me.

You know the rest.

Love yourself like you wish to be loved.
Love others like it’s why you were born.
Love God for he answers all your questions.
I don’t have bad intentions.
I just want to spread love.

Love my daughter in heaven, forever.
My parents for giving me a life to build.
I don’t hate those who hurt me.
I forgave all just to save me.
Maybe this is how I’ll enjoy my life.

To keep my head above water.
Head above the blue.
If happiness’s a door
Maybe love’s the key, I can tell it’s true.

To keep me from losing my way.
To keep me from losing my faith.
Maybe if I keep on letting go.
I can move on without dead weight.

I’m doing it for you and for me.
Living, not sure if I’m meant to be happy.
But I’ll keep on breathing.
Believing.
Forgiving.
Because my intentions aren’t bad.
I’ll do good, promise to God.
I’ll make my family real proud.
I’ll see my kid again, daddy loves you, I’ll be there at the rainbow gates.
And I’ll keep living.
And living.
And living.

If this were a song, I’d hush at the thought of singing it.
And if this were a poem, I’d close my eyes to not see it.
There’s a graveyard of fruit flies trapped inside a painting.
Behind a layer of glass.
From a few springs ago.
At this moment I’m having this sweet epiphany.
Like balloons my worries are aloft.
At the thought of falling back into the dark depths of my mind I’d run where one won’t find me.
I’m just bored of being afraid.
Letting it ruin my day.
My fears are only as strong as I let them be.
And I don’t feel like they’ll grow stronger if I just let them be.
If I were someone else, I’d give me a hug and say something nice.
If I had given up, I wouldn’t have been so hopeful after a fight.
Someone dear to me said “Don’t give up on yourself”.
No matter how hard it gets.
And I’m not gonna fall back down again into the depths.
I’m just bored of being scared.

Troy says beach walks are all the rage.
I’m a city kind of guy.
He could play guitar till the end of day.
And I’d drink beer till night.
He hates to vape and I really hate it.
That strawberry smoke tastes better when he exhales it.
I’m chopping wood to keep up the fire.
Fire lasts, feeling expires.
What now?
He treats me like the weaker one.
He treats me like the weaker one.
He treats me like the weaker one.
And the RV doesn’t feel like home.

I wanna remain faithful.
Make him happy but I can’t.
Pour grenadine into his glass with a shaky hand.
He tells me to chill.
But knows **** well I can’t.
I wanna hold onto him but I can’t even hold myself.

I don’t wanna go on a roadtrip or the store that’s a couple miles away.
I’m good overthinking, smoking, swimming at the shore of the bay.
I feel the sand falling down in between my fingers on the ground.
Does he mind a reassurance ******’s rant, I hate that sound.

Troy thinks that the bygone era’s gone by for good.
I’m all that’s left.
I need just Joni and a whiskey to touch down.
He likes grass instead.
He hates to show off and I’m losing patience.
God, if he could just manspread on the chair and let me watch.
I’ll just wash clothes in the river and live on.
Without him or with him.
What now?
I got a whole country to cross.
I got a whole country to cross.
I got a whole country to cross.
Cause one plus half ain’t two.

I love how his hair comes down.
How he lets me down.
It’s so attractive.
I love him with his glasses on.
That just turns me on.
Like a light switch.

I wanna remain faithful
I wanna remain-
I wanna remain faithful
I wanna remain-
Sorry if I come out hateful
But you get in my way
I’d give you all my warmth
But you’re pushing me away

I’m a bad, bad, bad, bad case.
You keep pushing me away.
I wanna remain-
I should’ve remained-
I’m a bad, bad, bad, bad case.
You keep pushing me away.
I wanna remain-
I should’ve remained faithful.

i sit next to that vintage candelabra, that i found in the attic,
i get a pen and a blank page on which i write what i think,
when i’m done i rethink and rewrite my poetry with blood on a parchment,
but i get distracted by the church bells ringing from 2 streets away,
it gets louder and louder,
at times they sound like ******* racing cars on tracks,
then they get quieter,
they sound like sunken singers, hitting high notes from underwater,
in the meantime demons escape from the catacombs,
hidden deep beneath the chapel,
and put gargoyles to life,
and all of that - 2 streets away,
i turn off that vintage candelabra, but i keep on writing,
i listen closely to my pen’s sounds and try to imagine them louder,
want them to be louder than racing cars,
louder than a rocket blasting off,
i write so fast and it feels so loud, that i enter a different dimension,
a world where matter is made of words,
i want to stay there forever, whenever i get there,

that’s exactly how to disappear
c o m p l e t e l y
a  n  d
n   e   v   e   r
b    e
f      o     u     n     d.

my face was reflecting starlight, sprinkled with stardust,
glowing bright in the moonlight,
are we in hollywood?
because i feel like the brightest star in the interstellar neighbourhood,
i say hi to my lover, then i say bye to my lover,
then i watch you disappear in the crowd
on the boulevard, that’s a few streets from here,
i feel like a star, like a movie star, when i perform for you,
when i perform just for you,

my legs were shaking like i was a supermodel
on a runway in the new york city,
but i was in polish hollywood,
a magical place that is everywhere my baby goes,
while watching you disappear slowly in the never-ending crowd,
i was trying to convince myself not to go after you,
but let them cover you instead,
cause if i follow you, i’m sure i’ll see things
i’ll never unsee,
like those you used to show me daily
and show still to make sure i will remember
who i used to call my whole world,
and later you would start an interview with me,
in which i’d forget how to speak,
in the shadow of the swaying trees,
on the side alley which doesn’t connect to other allies,
there would be only you and me, no audience needed,
but there’s nothing for me to say
other than hi to my lover, then bye to my lover,
we have nothing to talk about, we never had - we never will,

thought i was lost when i lost you, like a sailor on a sinking boat
in the middle of a raging sea,
but no, it was just a movie that you were a director of
and i had the starring role,
i have absolutely no idea what the genre was - drama or a lame comedy,
it felt like we were famous in hollywood,
once we were touring the neighbourhood,
i was running freely in the pouring rain, wiped the droplets off my face,
then we were crossing the highway,
the other day i sat down after you knocked me out,
went on snapchat and revealed,
that i started writing poetry about you cause the things i feel
i will never say to you in person,
i’m brave, but your eyes are f*g giving me nightmares,
bittersweet dreams as well,
now it all is over and still the only things i say
are hi to my lover, then bye to my lover,
and that goes over and over,

but not as often as before,
cause my hollywood is somewhere else now.

you hunted me down
like a malevolent, carnivorous bird,
a fearless eagle
targeted me easily like I was wounded animal,
but I was a fallen angel,
on my first day on earth,
couldn’t distinguish between bad and good,
i believed you were my savior
and you weren’t - but a furious predator,
you made the vague things clear,
i finally understood
the difference between
bad and good,

i got sent away
in a glamorous, golden express,
sparkling like some expensive jewellery,
that brought me back home,
and my home was heaven,
and now it’s been months since i finished my rehab,
and as tiny stars put their old mother to bed,
and as they bring a replacement for her,
i see eagles circling around a tower of a palace I’m living in,
i wear blue velvet and I put my halo on,
i rehearse my lines in my head,
hoping today will be the day of my salvation,
it’s my biggest dream,
although i can’t be saved
from something that saves me,
from something that is both
bad and good.

my life is a poetry book
and every day is a poem,
i try to keep sunlight between the pages,
not knowing how to hold it in my hands,

my life is a poetry book,
i don’t have a title for it yet,
it’s about a boy who’s seeking happiness
between pages of self-written novels,

my life is a poetry book,
365 poems a year,
i write free-verse during creativity surges,
on black like tar nonexistent beaches,

my life is a poetry book
and my head is a library,
filled to the brim with forbidden novels,
that disappear temporarily during day,

my life is a poetry book,
it’s pretty much themeless,
once i throw paper planes like missiles,
then i’m drowning in my inner darkness,

my life is a poetry book,
i’m writing with my own blood,
sometimes i want to publish it already,
but i can’t leave a sentence unfinished.

drive me to nevada,
all the way to las vegas,
we could go gambling in the local casinos or ride the high roller,
or get f**d up,
then drive me to california,
we’ll take a walk across venice,
and take a ride on a starline tours bus,
we’ll be hitchhiking through the west coast,
we could fly,
we could die,
we are young freaks, baby,
the world belongs to us.

my baby was a writer too,
we wanted to do something big,
we wanted to get really far,
but one day you received a letter with a red stamp on it,
your poems were the best,
you got such a huge chance,
to change the world,
and if you never left me we could have written the best poem ever,
if you never left the town then we could have made a masterpiece,
i still have drafts
and single lines
of the ooze that was supposed to be the best poem ever,
you were supposed to be famous,
you were supposed be recognized,
you told me you’ll write a masterpiece,
and now it’s been years since i heard about you.

One blue day I had a bizarre vision
There was something fishy in the air
Stood up and looked out of the window
My eyes grew wide
Like porcelain saucers
Your heart became
Cried on your back and begged you to stop
But you didn’t listen
Because electricity took over your brain
You were corrupted
And I was so ******* scared of voltage
So scared you would change me irrevocably

I couldn’t think of any possible reasons
Maybe I’m just too dumb to understand
Why you freed your newborn demons
And watched them sink into quicksand
It was you who got taken away
I’ve been trying to fix you all day
But you couldn’t stop
Cause you were already in phase two
You gained so much power
That your volts broke through my head
Your telephone wires imprisoned me

And my veins became your wires

you met me again on the tennis court,
asked me if you’ve done something wrong,
with your voice more elusive than ever,
sweet like vanilla and light as a feather,
and you said it so innocently,
that you melted pure stone,
you’re truly unbelievable,
and i said:
no spell,
no witch doctor,
and no nazar,
will keep us apart,
i know you didn’t think what’s later when you were hurting me,
doesn’t matter, cause you’re just how i want you to be,
in my dreams,

and as i return home, as i escape daily b**t,
some force puts me to bed,
i believe strongly, that when i visit that world
i will see you there again
and tell you things, that bother me like 24/7,
in my dreams you always listen,
in my dreams you are only mine,
in my dreams we forget the time,
in my dreams.

what is the definition of hope?

you can read about it on wikipedia,
as you can make yours,

for me:
it doesn’t have feathers,
it’s not even pretty,
trust me - it has more flaws,
than there are stars in the night sky,

hope falls in love with people,
it’s an unusual kind of love,
hope cheers me on,
hope shows me the way,
hope stays with me,
not like the others,
who i’ve shown how motley i am,

how to maintain hope?

you don’t find it - it finds you,
as you start to feel,
as you become vulnerable,
and it follows you around,
like a loving animal,

even when those evergreen meadows,
that delight your eyes,
get greatly desaturated,
hope fights off the evil,
lurking in the dense thickets,
that used to be rose bushes,

and as life gives me snippets of tomorrow,
and i see how dark it is,
i believe i’ll find a light source,
brighter than a lighthouse,
or a star,

you are safe.

Telephone lines above me.
Electric like Elvis’s guitar.
Guns & Roses playing softly.
I’m feeling like a fallen star.

Gas station, LED lights.
I’m a deer in headlights.
Ovation, green lights.
I’m having a panic attack.

I dyed my hair black, do you recall that, baby?
I used to think I’d dye it blonde again when I’m happy or did I wanna dye already?
Red sky, who are they to downgrade me?
I just lied my *** in the grave they dug me.
Slap me upside the head already.
Tell me to be smarter.

Starlets making news by malice.
I’m just idly crossing that turnpike.
Once I was in love, in Paris.
Entranced reasonlessly in my mind.

Hollywood, limelights.
I’m so prone to gaslight.
Only saw me in bad light.
Poked fun at my loneliness.

I sought solace in Mötley Crue, remember, baby?
They were all laughing, jumping rope and I wanted to jump off something high already.
Red sky, who were they to affect me?
I just had to stand for myself, apparently.
Bury me in your arms already.
Tell me I’ll be okay.

We’re hitting the road now, baby, tell me it’ll be okay.
We’re entering the desert now, baby, fifteenth interstate.

Clover.
Yachts.
Vermilion.
Who were they to upset me?

Hoops.
Harleys.
Equinox.
Who were they to decry me?

If I write you a Devil Glitch, will you love me like your next *****?
If I give you some attention, will you ease off all this tension?
If I write you a Devil Glitch, will you love me like your next *****?
If I give you everything, will I get at least some of it back?
Wonder why I’m clingy, wonder why I’m so anxious all the time?
Wonder why I’m so tired, wonder why I don’t trust anyone?
Red sky, who were they to change me?
I just nodded when they used me.
Drive me to Vegas already.
Tell me to be braver.

There’s a guy, let’s call him Anton.
He fell in love with someone he’s never ever seen.
And that guy, he sought the reason.
A guy who won’t hurt you is one you’ll never ever meet.
The guy, he overstayed it at the château.
He’s afraid he’s someone that he will never ever be.
And what he did was find his reason.
Now he aviates asleep like they never ever dreamed.

I’m waking up from my dream.
And it took place in the clouds.
I’m getting nearer.
I got that feeling.
My ETA’s now, never ever been this near.
Bound to an airport, one I’ll never ever leave.

Do they hurt me or is it I that deals the damage?
Am I hurting them out of fear of being hurt first?
Now I’m contemplating over an ocean of clouds.
My eyes shut, letting the winds direct me to the end.

It went like that:

One night I was in a room
Lying on a bed and to myself and he entered like he knew
Reached his hand over to me
I was hellbent
On clamming up and being left be
He insisted I gave him a chance
And one he got
I think I fell in love
But I don’t mind as he won’t break my heart
Cause now he’s gone.
Another night I fell asleep
There was a guy right next to me
Handing me paper scraps, watching me
I said “Speak it aloud, set it free”
He confided in me
Gravitated real close to me
Our souls collided in a kiss
And some white lies to solidify it, the once upon a dream connection
It reappeared, the sound of a lock dropping, it was real, it was heartstopping.
Later came the disconnection.
It felt like waking up from a dream, one I wished I’ll never ever see end.
I’d let him fix my heart but it’s already on the mend.
Question is, what will it give me, knowing when to say when.
This taking off, it’s all I have until I wake up before the flight ends.
The third, he was familiar in a room of familiarity and family function ****
No thought to be over-processed, he was touching me, real tangibly
Laying over me
Gifted me a word of kindness but missed the point entirely
A shot in the dark, a spark in the heart.
I didn’t inspect nearby looks, I just listened on.
And so I hope I see him again in a couple years
I don’t know if I will
What I know is that it ends before it begins.
Like backstage romances and post-show kisses or Singapore hotel love affairs, I dreamed that too.
Patrick’s came too soon into my life to make the fourth switch.
A Judas french kiss, I’ve been over that too.
I don’t dance to his own music, I just like him cause he’s cute.
Another night of many I was over it
Already picturing gas price meters and 7/11s, cigarette smoke and rubbing fingertips
Steady with a baby but as in romance
Pending if I must admit, but tangible in a sense
When he was just in my head and not in my bed
Cause I had it all on lockdown
But I was still at passport control, anticipation had me losing control
I keep waking up before I land
To see the hills again I’d do god knows what
But I got some other plans
Got a boyfriend in Mexico, would die if he let me go
Got my daughter figure at home
I can’t exactly make amends
Or demands, each’s a far cry though
I’m bound for an airport and I’m Anton now
I don’t worry about anything at my best
I’m running to get the bag
Money to fly me west
Not to outrun the wolves with hearts laced onto their spiked black collars
racing to bite me in the *** for having the fruit I’ve sown rot
I never wanted to be vindictive, for what’s it really worth.
But somebody’s gotta be the bad guy.
Aim to escape this trance, it ends
It’s gotta have a horizon
New York, September 24th, 2024?
I’ve waited so long, think I’m going for numero dos
I broke up with my boyfriend for someone just as bad
But it lead me to my next, I need to give him more attention
I listen to him talk in Spanish, pretend he’s not so far away
4 months elapsed like steam
I’d do it all again
I wanna make it up to him for loving him as a replacement for Jack ******* Daniels
But what is distance gonna do?
What’s the ocean’s threat to drown?
I don’t fear thunderclouds as I cross them.
I don’t care, cause really I’m not there.
It’s just a dream, one I’m in, but I’m waking up.
Don’t matter if I like it or not.
One isn’t enough, I need more.
Remember, September 24th.
Hope my problems vanish by the third quarter of 2024.
That’s when the flight ends.
That’s when I’m all yours.

At this point I’m sure I’ll forever be on the mend.
Waiting for the best thing that happened to end.

A billion years from now,
I’ll still be yours.
Just like it is right now,
I belong where you.
I’ll continue to ******* lowlifes in the comment section.
I’ll glorify your harshness long as I got a heart that beats.
All this love I’ve to give.
Swear it came out of the blue.
Whatever comes, I’ll be here.
Dreaming of having you.

At this point I’m sure I’ll never find happiness elsewhere.
All I’ve ever wanted was to live in the embrace of your haven.

Venice, scoop me up and lift me up before the waves pull me under.
Cover me in sunburns and wash me ashore to the beach birds’ flutter.
I swear it all came outta the Pacific’s blue.
Long as I have a mouth to speak, I’ll continue to babble about you.
I swear it all comes down to becoming one with you.
Long as I have a heart to love, I’ll continue to adore you too.

A billion years from now, I’ll have sunk in the waters by the continental shelf.
But in my lifetime I’ll carve swans in hedges with metal shears, sunglasses I picked up at 7/11 in South San Gabriel.
I really wanna talk **** ‘bout coworkers marriage problems over coffee, getting fired cause I’m hot, red hot in trouble for blowing bubbles at work.
Doing wheelies on shopping carts but during the day since none of the witnesses knows my actual name.

They say write and write till you write your future into existence.
LA, **** me into your frontier and hold me within your dominion.
I want something lasting, not everlasting.
Something I can have without having to cherish.
I had a good thing, but it ended.
And my heart, it’s since been mended.

I missed the rain if one did come.
I deleted my ex’s number and hundreds of pictures from my telephone.
It hurt to let them go, but it also felt easy, you know, you know.
Out of all the boys I loved I thought we’d never ever get separated.
But with Juan I feel unsure.
I love him but love’s overrated.

I lasted months dry like the desert.
I said yes just to keep my mind off things.
I opened up hoping it’d get better.
And it did.

I love you like a beginner would but do I need you now like I needed you then?
It’s harder now and I could use a friend.
I don’t have a clue if you’re gonna stay forever by my side.
But the urge to give up already keeps me thinking at night.
Do I want you for now?
Do I wanna take hundreds of pictures of you asleep by me only to delete them later?
Or am I ready to memorize and take them to my grave in the heights of what I call the “Grant Mountains”.
Only time will tell.

I’ve chosen wrong so many times.
Makes me wanna already give up and go back to singing other people’s songs.
Can’t write my own without muses, it’s only love that turns the ink in my pen endless.

I love him, but love’s overrated.
I need him like a bath after a shower.
I want him, but what if we get separated.
It feels good.
But it used to feel better.

Hum into my ear, love song, hip hop, anything.
Pull me closer, hold me, let go, catch again.
Make me feel like I’m tipsy, make me melt like caramel candy, slow.
Make it like eternity, if there’s no afterlife all we have is now.
Don’t forget how I made you feel.
I remember how you made me feel lovable.
I’d experience it all again before I catch up with Amy and start blowing bubbles, evermore.
Be a fan of anything I do.
Don’t refrain from making me mad.
Be your sweetheart and *****.
You’re so warm but so frozen, I must not let you go or I’ll die.
You’re too like me to let someone else make you happy, I’ll make you happier.

Silk.
Caress.
Bleed.
Conquer and withstand and win.
Brutal.
Ethereal.
Sweet.
Yearn and compete and win.

That rush that runs my veins uneasy feels like lemon in the wound.
Correspondingly it wears me out to an extent a bath can’t fix.
I just want a kiss that feels right, like an arm’s brush over dew.
But instead I’m forlorn in a labyrinth of stars hung from deciduous trees.

Metal.
Burn.
Blossom.
Cry and contemplate and adore.
Monumental.
Skyward.
Impossible.
Dream and capitulate and succeed.

I can’t love anyone or so I think cause I’ve never been happy.
*** isn’t sweet without strings of attachment tied around us.
All I ever attempted was to make myself feel worthy of loving.
And when I catch a ray of stardust I feel out of time to follow it up.

It ain’t perfect, love is so hard but soft and so am I.
It ain’t a walk in the park or a summer beach day but a fall down the well of my heart.
It ain’t easy, love is so ugly and pretty and so am I.
It ain’t anime, I’m not a protagonist of any kind, I don’t get happy endings.

But I tried.

I’ve never had a thing for metaphors as a poetic whipping boy.
But when I think of it my heart’s kinda like the ancient city of Troy.
And I’m winning at the lotto till it’s just another knockoff seller.
Every guy I genuinely liked but they ain’t **** in hindsight whatsoever.
And every friend I would’ve taken a bullet for but would they have stood for me?
Every wrong decision I’ve made, if I managed to fix them then who would I be?
And I see animus when there is one, is it unanimous that everyone fells that?
Or maybe I’m overanalyzing every vowel, every aspect, every change in tone and dust speck.
I’m vengeful as **** and haven’t had a whole lotta luck finding love and **** like that.
Keeping friendships’ hard alike, dirt all over the welcome mat, I’m too proud to sweep it up.
Life’s one big stratagem, but I’ve made peace with that instead of battling it.
One brutal expedient, but I’m not sowing havoc in the name of embracing it.
And yes, I lie, yes, I add on stolen gems onto my crown.
But I’d never burn somebody’s whole world down.
Cause that’s what y’all were to me.
All you ******* that made Troy of me.
You’re my homie or a phony?
You won’t bother text or phone me.
I watch my homeboy **** it up, waving bye, his fault he missed the boat like that.
Glow up like a cityscape, forever à la mode, I’m on my Taylor Swift **** and your perception of me’s a folklore.
I shot my shot with a stiff, pretend I’m colorblind to red and green.
The dud must be eating ****, explains why he’s so ******* full of it.
I’m on my payback **** and if you double back for more that’s a no-no.
I’m on some hot guy **** and if you want a war this is a no-zone.
I’m on next level **** and if you wish to reach my level, get you a wishbone.
Outta my mind on all-night revels, all nighters getting me all disheveled.
Opening bounties from red devils, get you a reality check, I’m not ending up in flames.
In and out of heaven for forever, try and diminish the malevolent.
Never let a passerby bedevil me, you on some mythology ****, you ain’t gonna see me burn.

Can’t infiltrate my walls like Troy.
But he can infiltrate me though.
I’m on some daredevil **** and I’m it.
Doing kinds of **** I’d never thought I did.
Don’t stress yourself over a ploy.
Don’t bother fool me with decoys.
I’m on self-improvement and I’m the ****.
Bouta do everything I scrapped out of fear of doing it.

I’m no **** superhero, but I’m like the Iron Man.
Don’t stick my neck out for nobody but me and myself.
Got a heart of steel but I’m still a hopeless romantic.
Hard to keep your head above water when your nature’s aquatic.
I’d like to think I’m smart enough not to jump into conclusions and possible scenarios.
Don’t jump into fights I ain’t gotta be no part of or have me win for the satisfaction.
I really owe myself that after all the **** I let happen to me and I’m regretful.
It made my psyche empirical, built up by raw emotion and that journey was painful.
Anyway, I could’ve hit his DMs up or hers or theirs.
I could’ve ditched my persona and be a villain that I was cast to play by them.
I maybe should’ve made it seem like I didn’t back up all afraid.
Or maybe it’s a good thing that I let them triumph as I sailed away.
Because in the end I turned their ruse against them, cold blooded like a cryostat.
I played their pride as their cities went up in smoke, but I ain’t no copycat.
Guess now I’m back to nurturing self-love and ornamenting that iron door.
Get it on with Troy, get you a reality check, you on some lowlife lore.

I left my phone in the cabin
went out with nothing.
I took the road never traveled
it was quite something.
I got a favorite tree that leans into the road
and as I caressed its branch wet after a storm
it sprinkled down onto the moss bed made down below.
I couldn’t help but to tread on.
It was soft under my shoes and I sunk in it like quicksand
I wanted to listen to blues and let the moment breathe deeply
what a calamity it was that I had to say goodbye to my favorite tree.
And what a shame I didn’t get to lie down to sleep on the moss.
Someday I’ll do that though.