I married the
cold night
with a cities worth
of lights as my
witness.

Like those of
Babylon we wished
to be closest to the
Gods on our night
of promise.

Her natural brown
hair fell across
her flawless face
in thin lonely wisps.

The tip of
her nose turned
an unhealthy red
as the hill top winds
made their
way past.

We both
produced chilling
diamond cut
wedding bands
made from the ice of
our hearts.

Slipped upon
my finger she did
with the coldness
and a whispered
promise.

And I upon hers
with the words
we had
agreed upon.
"May My coldness
hurt no other but
you".

I may not
have chosen
what most see as
an ideal life.
In doing so
there has been
and will be
many of things
I will never know
the joy of.

I am not
alone upon this
broken red path
littered with
missing bricks.

There are others
who weep tiredly
in the dark.
Others who spend
their every waking hour
drinking or using .
Trying everything
cheap and easy
to fill all that
you have
thrown away

In the eyes of
the Gods we
are not
forgotten.
They do still
cast their shine
upon me.

Their way of
acknowledging
the fact that unlike
most I have chosen
the Hard way.

And even
that Hard Way
gives way to
rewards.

I rode a curb side
dust devil into
the low side of
town.
Found myself
adrift right along side
the lip stick stained
cigarette butts,
empty dime baggies and
a city days worth
of welfare diapers
and plastic bottles who
will out last us all.

Same old dogs
along the same
old streets.
Dogs so old
they no longer
lift their legs to ****.
Its a bit shameful
but a Hell of alot
less painful just
to let it go where
you lay or stand.

Bad kids with
big sticks and
fist fulls of
C cell batteries
chase the winos
along the railroad tracks.
They generate
terror and call it fun.

Televised Gods
for your televised mind.
Fall asleep with the
lights on ,leave
something to guide
me back home.

Blame it all on me
and I'll leave before
the hate sets in.
My time here is
far past due,
summers over and
the rare California rains
have come in.

I came only for the
weather and whatever
there was to drink.
Moonshine Cherries and
Jameson on ice.

The conversations all died with
that last bottle of whisky.
The mason jars are all empty
and this passing moment
feels right
for me to leave with.

The school house started you off with a lie.
From the letters of a foreign alphabet
to the numbers worshiped by the Pagans.

They kept secret the true origin of things.
In code and symbols they've taught you well.
So well that you don't even see the
stars and the titans in everything around you.

Wake up ,open your heart.
Take a really good  look around.
Forget it all ,I know it's hard.
What they've took from you takes time to understand.
If they say Left you'll know its right,
everything we've ever known was a lie.

Shut them out, question the thing that is the city.
This city wasn't made to survive ,
it's destined to become the killing fields.

Stock up and believe, gorge yourself with knowledge ,know that of which you ****.

Forget all you thought you knew
,release their ways start anew.
Arise with the new dawn in a new age
with new eyes and a ****** mind.
Look to the east where the light gives way, forget their lies and see...

They talk about the
garbage like it
was treasure.

Man made
garbage.
Made in order
to keep the
creative side
from
creating.

Its all made
to uninspire
the otherwise
always
inspired ones.

They worry
themselves over
Trash.
Mass produced,
soulless,man made,
ball chasing,
over paid
Trash Heroes.

They're not my
Heroes.
My Heroes
didn't have time
to chase *****
and call it an
accomplishment.

These goals they
strive for all of
which were
created out
of nothing
for nothing at
all but to
numb the mind.

Trash.

They worry about
having more
while I secretly
worry about having
nothing more to say.

Conversations going
on all around me,
its torture.
I hear their
words and
can't help
but wonder if
they are hearing
what I'm hearing.

There's a vision
that stays with me.
A circle of
beautiful people
in stain free
clothes.
The kind of people
who throw
their heads back
before they laugh.
They're standing
around a street
person who wears
wadded up
news paper
inside his coat for
warmth.
They're tossing lit
matches at him as
he lays and sleeps
the sleep of the
invisible people.

For the longest
I dreaded the vision,
their cruelty is
unlike my own.
Theirs is inhumane
but legal and in most
cases it provides their
Godless insides
reason enough
to smile.

Mine is soul scaring,
memory aching,
and really only
me wanting to survive.
It leaves behind
deep embedded
stains in everything
that is you.

Now I find myself
no longer
fighting it off.
I need the
images the vision
provides me.

I welcome the
echo of their hollow
selfish laughter.
I take in the
whiteness of
their grinning
stain free teeth.

I need it all
in order to
try and
understand
their sickness.

As I continue
to survive  
amongst my
own
lonely madness.

My hand shot straight out towards the wall like a shotgun blast as I laid on my sore back covered in a thick film of resiny drug addict sweat.
I was awake and it was hot as Hades in that fucken room.
I felt around the crumpled sheets and half dozen pillows and found my phone without waking the naked body next to me.

My eyes adjusted to the bit of sunlight that found its way past my blinds. The body next to me was wide at the hips with crude tattoos on both arms and an obvious cover-up on her upper back. I tried to make out the name she once loved and quickly gave up . She stirred as I tried getting a look at her.
Her face was covered with a thick mane of dark brown hair, I wanted to wake her but I couldn't recall a name. So I let her be and focused on the LCD screen in my hand.
There was a  picture of a half naked girl behind a thin red wall flashing "Download!"
The sucker I am had to do it ,and that's how my every move  was known for the rest of this ****** off ,weird *** day about to tell you about.

I started jerking or twitching about 4 months ago back when I started smoking the pook pretty much everyday.
Everyday.
Religiously like an alter boy and his ******* sessions .
I stopped sleeping normally and my appetite wanted only sweets or alcohol.When I did manage to burn myself out and pass out for a bit I noticed that I never dreamed.
I didn't dream that night either or the morning as I laid there in the 82 degree stuffy *** room listening to the sound of some useless fan squeaking and creaking it's way back and forth across the room.
Doing nothing but creating the illusion of relief from the hot summer morning.
The hips next to me didn't seem to mind the heat.
I reached over and aimed the cheap fat towards her wide ***
and positioned it to stay there.

September in the city of Los Angeles still felt like July in the 1990's when it seemed to always be hot.
Which probably contributed to the amount of senseless gang murders that spread all over the city during that time like locust.

Hot ,uncomfortable poor people get ******* pretty easy and its too dam hot to be fighting like some God Dam fools in the middle of the hot *** street.Those were  some ****** days and if you paid attention to the city ,you'll find it never really ended.
Everybody just stopped talking about it until it just went away and became normal.
Normal like that dogs gonna hit on the freeway,or normal like everyone in your building not speaking a word of English except the kids.
And they're all bad as Hell.

The last dream I had was in a co-ed detox somewhere the fucken Valley.I was all Doped up on Subutex and Adderall.
All the girls there were either strippers or **** stars or both.  Man....

Anyway,Yea so I got up with another of those weird *** jerks or spasms or whatever. I first noticed them while I was on a good nod you know when you're at that place you spent atleast 40$ trying to get to and everything about you just submits as the petals of the poppy protect you from all that you're dying , trying to forget.
I started to notice every time I fell down that rabbit hole of comfort and forgetfulness I was always being forced out of it by an uncontrollable kick of the leg or swing of the arm.
I mostly ignored it the way I tended to do when it came to things regarding my health. I treated my body like an old second hand car I had purchased with a bounced check.
Only now as I approached 40 did I began to worry.
But I quickly shrugged that moment of worry off as I got up and headed toward the head.