feel unearthed doubt
bury anxious tears
seedlings of sadness
depression blooms.

by guess and by god, headstrong,
a recklessly charted course.
ruled by intuition and ammunition
we were captains together--but then the weather!
clouded our stars, washed away our vision, tore our sails.
my captain! i was desperate!
for you: i jettisoned my heart, threw overboard my sensibility,
let out all my rope until the Bitter End.

but you mean to abandon ship!
after all we've sailed through, and you mean to abandon ship.
you've left me with the devil to pay,
but instead i'll swallow the anchor, i'll swallow it whole.
forgive my mutiny,
but a dead captain is no captain, and the sea does own my soul.

tomorrow i’ll be found
underneath a landslide of all my fears and doubts
dig myself a hole makin’ friends with the moles
makin’ mountains out of hills
and all the things that give me thrills are gone and going
i’m left behind with my crutches and my boundaries

it’s always the next step that’s the worst step
‘cause i’m afraid to lose my footing
and some days when i’m awake
i’m a little more than apprehensive
sitting on the fence of taking leaps or going back to sleep

pullin' on my heart strings
feelin' like a bee sting
it was such a little thing
but the feeling was big.

i am a soul
which exists to exist.
but exist is such an understatement.
in truth, i exist to live & to live fully.
to taste joy & swallow sadness & let anger boil
and to pepper the world with my expression.
i want to touch the colors of the world and feel the cool blues and the warm reds
and let the purples sooth and caress and drip from me
& leave a pattern in my path.

here you are.
at a ******* standstill.
sitting on the fence of taking leaps, or going back to sleep
breathing in all these insecurities.
it’s sick because theyre not worth a ****** thing, not a ****** thing.
cry for all the things you wont do
cry for your sick, sad world
cry for the doors you close, for the windows you wont open
suffocate yourself, discourage every spark from turning into a flame.
all the things that give you thrills are gone, and going.
******* fleeting.
look at you, left behind
alone with your crutches and your boundaries.
*******. *******.

i opened the door
and crawled through the window
past your eyes
and into your soul
and i walked around
and i sat down
and i breathed you in
(inhaled so so deeply)
and i lied down
and i rolled around
and i cuddled with your whispers
and i tasted your sweetness
and i felt your smile
(a light so so warm)
and i absorbed it all
and i fell in love with it all
and i wrote it down
and now it is eternal.
you’re eternal
in my words
on a page
inside my notebook
inside my heart.

waiting.
this is the kind of vicious silence that makes my stomach scream.
the hands of the clock claw at its own face,
as if to move on would excruciate, lead to self-destruct
time is forced; the minutes drag, kicking & screaming
and you say nothing.
my eyes burn, staring, pleading your mouth to move,
waiting in agony for your lips to quiver
in hopes that a sweet wind from your breath would pass through and destroy the quiet,
a quiet which is not entirely unlike being deaf,
except i can hear my own worried breaths which beckon you to speak.

good-for-nothin'
belly-aching, belly-up
collapsed into a puddle, i drip into the gutter
can't separate my colors.
past art is perverted, salt-saturated drops have made my vision run
i am the river that i cannot cross
if you won't be my stepping stone, i'll meet you down-stream.

childhood is so undeniably attractive
in youth, with eyes like hearts because we perceived with our hearts
and minds filled with stars and naivete; captivated by nuance yet aroused by simplicity
speaking in dreams and romance,
living freely, boldly, and fictitiously in some elders' disregarded reality.
and we remember such, in fleeting hope
that our greying eyes may see in spectrum once again.

and yes, even stars die out someday
and even through the darkness of the shadows that you carry,
you’re the brightest one i know
and i can see you — dying to break the mold  and when you explode
and try to set your fears on fire with the ignition of your desire
but the shadows come cooling in to set you back where you begin

and begin again, but differently
pack up all your belongings and put them where you cannot see
say goodbye and take a step that’s fit for giants
you’ll take your shine leaving only mine and with every wish
i make for you it would extinguish
so if you leave it will be dark
i’ll light a candle for your heart
and from miles away i’ll fight your shadows
while you’re out there fighting someone else’s battle

i wanna be someone you don't yet know
i wanna be your promise of tomorrow
your calm of kisses before the storm

if i could be the first night girl again
i'd never let you in
i'd let you taste the sweetest parts of me
i'd only be your joy

i wanna be the first night girl
id sacrifice being whole
i'd save you from all the ugly parts
to be again your world