Memories haunt me
Experiences at such a young age
Linger like ghosts

With my father in the river
His hand on my shoulder
Walking behind me down the hall
He was always possessive
It still is hard for him
To let go of what is his
But he didn't seem to have much trouble
Leaving
Without saying goodbye
In reflections
I didn't see him standing there
I saw him in me
His face overlapping mine
He had a head on his shoulders
But his feet never touched the ground

Where could I go
When I was afraid of home?
So thankful to leave that
Haunted house
Behind
Where monsters didn't live
Under the bed
But slept in the room
Down the hall

You know your fealin crushed
no drugs the systems flushed,
missin out  dancin molly
balled out ready I'mma dolly.
one chance for this dance.
***** dubby, fat drop.
keepit  comin cant stop.
just one sip then I'll dip,
one tab for a trip,
gotta cab,  from a tip
now I'm back givin lip    (      ".       ".     ) /
                                                                             I just want out,
    
  my old road route,
puff just a bowl,
  cuff on  parole.
                         bear pong,
                          my clear ****.
                                      mac miller the G song,





^^^^^just needing some one to talk too in this shelter :/

Like a game of Russian Roulette,
I sit here and I sweat.
My palms are cold and wet.
I am waiting for the gun
To make its way to me.
The barrel glistens
As if to my thoughts it listens.
I am waiting for the bullet’s collision.

My heart pounds in my throat.
My heart pounds in my head.
My heart beats in its place.
What if you found me dead?

Finally the gun has made its way
All the way to me.
Across from you at this table,
I do not break my gaze.
I take a shot of whiskey.
I swallow all the ***.
I put the barrel to my head.
Won’t you join the fun?

You know, my dear,
I am well aware of my mortality.
It hangs on by a thread.
How would you like to know
That said thread
Is made up of
All the words you’ve said?

The gun shines like your eyes.
You taunt me with your smile.
“C’mon, just pull the trigger.
You’ve been stalling quite a while.”
Your smile reassures me
So I put some pressure on
The tiny little trigger,
With the help of some liquor.

Nothing happens.
It is what it is.
It does not really matter.
Because I know what love is.

Using these words I make a world I understand.
Inside is a friend to hold my hand,
so off we go, pen and man!
Away we blow dust and sand
to reveal beneath a shining sheath!
Draw your sword! and come aboard
this trail of blood.
My mind will flood paper with ink
and down this road my blank will shrink,
and weight unload from a heavy soul now pierced,
overfull.

I’m an addict for misery,
Summoned by these dizzy dreams
Haunted by the distant memories,
Holding on to them for dear life.
But you are no longer standing there
& I'm watching, waiting to feel you walk away as my heart aches with despair
The teenage emotional poet arises
Without a touch of a riot.
I want you so bad, it’s causing all these nightmares to erupt
I need that touch, the one we just had to cover up
Because secrets are held steadfast under bedroom eyes
And it’s best that we don’t mention it or else there’d be perfectly constructed lies
So we fall silent and long for the moment when
You can say you love her, but you’ll have me instead

I blame the drugs,
I blame the alcohol,
I blame the despair and the hopelessness that
Put you there.

I blame society.
I blame aggressive personalities.
Taking us down 10 pins at a time.
I blame the pin reset for taking too long
and being faulty at its job.

I blame the selfishness.
I blame the greed.
I blame the world for ******* artists
dry of their passion.

Paying far too much money for splatters of paint
on a canvas.
Paying far too much for songs without meaning
without talent.
That are recycled and reused.

For if I went to art school I'd pay far much more money
To go than I would make in my life.

I am bitter and resentful of what I hear every
single
*******
day.

I blame this chilling loneliness
which shatters my bones.
I blame myself for not picking myself up out of this mess
And moving on.

It's my voice in my head
That's keeping me from getting where I need to be.
That's keeping me from trying harder than my hardest.
That kept me in bed and not at school today.
It's where I need to be.

I realize that some things are my fault.
I realize that others are not.

I look out the window and I want to cry
Because this 'beautiful world' full of possibilities
never fails to just pass on by.

I am consumed by despair.
And I don't enjoy it.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm twenty years old.
To be twenty one in 4 months.
I feel like a 42 year old woman
Stuck at home
Being a mooch.