I sat on the ledge,
Facing away from the edge,
Not wanting to look into the fall,
Because I've looked into the fall my entire life.
He joined me there,
Asked me if I was okay.
The only reply I gave him,
Was replacing my empty palms with the cold hard steel,
He looked from the gun to me.
I watched as his face turned from shock to something resembling a realization.
He finally understood all those jokes of suicide,
He watched it as I did,
Fearing for his life,
I looked at my reflection,
In the impartial steel.
Stared into the eyes of my tormentor for all these years.
I placed it against the roof of my mouth.
I looked for any sign of fear in my own self.
When I found none I pulled the trigger.
I heard nothing as I began my descent to the first floor.
A soft thud echoed as my lifeless corpse hit the unforgiving ground.
Instead of rushing for help,
My peers scurried to safety,
Leaving me alone.
Same in death,
As I was in life.
I feel gone already,
I just wish i had the courage to actually be gone.
My friends want me gone,
I can tell.
Are they even friends anymore?
I guess I have to call them friends,
They're the closest things I have to friends.
They ignore me,
But they didn't always ignore me,
Which is better than all the people who have always ignored me.
I guess I really am done,
God knows i can't physically harm myself.
I show the signs,
I wear them on my wrists,
I basically scream for help.
I just want to say thanks,
to all my friends,
To all my worthless ******* friends.
Your blind ignorance,
It's what makes this world go backwards.
It'll be the death of me.
It'll be the death of millions.
It has been the death of millions.
How can I ask you to open your eyes.
I don't have the courage to say it,
And evidently neither do you.
This world has come to a stop,
And hopefully my death will get it spinning again.
That's what I am an empty gesture.
Looking warm and genuine,
Yet hollowed out by pain and misery.
Efforts to make me look saved,
No efforts to be saved.
I walk into a room,
Yet my mind is still on the ledge.
"It's funny how we keep alive,
Those we know are meant to die."
I pin the hope of living,
to the beautiful blue-green shine of her eyes.
That's the one place I can see myself with something other than hate.
Her grin draws me near.
Hearing the sweet sounds roll off her tongue,
I realize I can listen to my name,
And feel proud.
It's her laugh I would give my dying breath to hear.
I look into those eyes,
All I can see,
Is the warm sunset over a tropical beach.
All I can feel,
Is the warmth of your hand in mine.
And that right there is,
The thought that keeps me going through the day.
Do you know what the difference between your Head & your Heart is?
Your head is a survival Mechanism,
But your heart is a crime of passion.
Always at war with each other.
Your heart tells you to pick up that gun,
Place it against your temple,
Grip the trigger,
Your brain tells it's time for help,
Reasons with the only thing it has,
it reasons with knowledge.
I listen to the hammer click back,
And I sit in silence as the battle wages on.
The spoils goes to the victor,
The spoils being my life.
I act on the cliche,
Listen to you're heart.
As the flash of muzzle closes in on me,
And the darkness is upon me with a bang.
Even when I'm happy,
They say happiness comes from the inside,
Do they know I let my inside flow out?
Through the scratches of my soul.
I need a wall to hold me up,
I need a helping hand to raise me to my feet.
I am dependent,
Because when your foundation is taken from you,
So suddenly at the age of 11,
It's all you look for,
But do you know what you look for when you can't find it?
Another source of pain.
I've found my jagged edge,
Because I couldn't find anything else.
Finger nails chewed away,
In fear of my very scary thoughts.
My hands shake with the anticipation,
The anticipation of what comes next.
Looking in the mirror,
Just for a single plead or sign of life,
But to no surprise I know it's time to go.
I steady my hands,
For utmost precision is key for the next few steps.
I look at the task at hand,
Disappointing all especially myself,
But when don't I do that.
Maybe if I had that group or friends?
Maybe if I wasn't so ******* annoying,
But these are the burdens I was born with,
But these are the burdens I died with.
Look into my eyes one last time,
I want you to tell me,
Tell me what I did,
Before I do it.
The only thing you need to know about my upbringing is,
My dad was around enough for me to rely on him,
But not enough for him to be reliable.
I feel broken inside.
I feel dead inside,
No that's not right,
I wish I felt dead inside.
Some nights I put a blade to my neck.
Wishing for the courage to do it.
It's not like taking my own life,
It's just the removal of my shocked 11 year old innocence.
All that would be left would be an empty shell.
A reminder of what used to be.
I get angry sometimes,
I believe the world deserves to feel the guilt,
The guilt of being the harbinger of yet another youth's innocence.
I believe beauty can only be created by broken people,
We abstractly shape our creations,
From the jagged remnants of our soul.
Nothing, That's not true,
There is something, An endless stream of darkness,
A never ending stream of perfectly withdrawn moments.
Living life the way it was never intended,
Not living it at all.
Just watching it pass me by.
I guess it's petty, the way I remove myself from the equation,
But in a way I never wanted anything more, than wanting nothing at all.
I'm leaving the title as empty as I feel.
Gun in hand,
Blinded by the sun,
Shining it's light on my flaws,
Exposing the hate I hold for myself.
Mere inches from the edge,
The edge of the horizon.
To step off into nothingness,
To feel the cold,
Grip of depression slip from my throat.
Fall into the sweet comfortable feeling of nothing.
Destruction is mere beauty,
What more beautiful to destroy than yourself?
To take every single thing,
Every second you fought,
Every dream you've ever conceived,
Every single ******* memory you have,
Some things you just can't come back from,
So many faces,
So little emotion.
I look into the face,
For just a little trace of recognition.
But these are strangers,
Strangers made strange by pain.
I put all my hopes on humanity.
Not knowing if I can survive a letdown.
push me a lil' harder.
Be the wall I desperately need.
Because I hate to say it.
But I will fall down the darkest hole,
With the purest intention.
The sun causes shadow,
Just as joy causes sadness.
You go blind in the light,
Until you're completely enveloped in the darkness of depression.
It's a predator stalking you,
While wear that care free smile on that ignorant face.
Completely unaware of it.
It strikes you when you are most vulnerable.
Painting a pretty picture with the silent flash of the muzzle.
Trapping it's next victim just like that.
Night is longer than day,
And the world will end in the darkest of nights.
I know a secret sky.
Only the true can see it.
Lay with me,
As we search for ourselves.
As we look for new truths;
Not only within, but throughout the whole world.
As only the true can.
I sway like the midday breeze.
From the empty of the clear sky.
To the sharp coldness of the winter ice.
I look to the fall,
No not the fall.
It's not a fall.
A fall is accidental.
This is more of a leap,
A leap of faith.
Faith that this will end it all.
You ever look into the eyes,
The eyes of the dead.
They stare at me with shame,
As I look away from the mirror.
I look away from myself,
Because If you look into the eyes of the dead for too long you join them.
My eyes are the eyes of the dead.
I looked far too long.
Watch me as I walk,
Can you see the silent burden I carry?
Do you see the broken man inside?
Oh how the happy hide it.
How a simple smile can deceive.
Are you choosing to ignore it,
Or do you do it out of pure ignorance.
Oh how my eyes go blank with pain,
Just as my wrists begin to stain.
****** and burned,
I walk on.
These lifeless eyes,
I continue to stare.
And these cold hands continue to scribble.
These lifeless letters don't stop the shaking,
The shaking induced by the fear of myself.
Life passes by,
And I let it.
Before it does I look away,
To hide those pain-streaked cheeks.
This is how it should be,
No one in my corner.
Looking at pictures of the dead.
Losing my head.
Tears welling up, and pouring out.
Outletting my pain in hands of the tormentor.
I look to you for support.
Who would've guessed, I'm on my own.
Ready for the end.
Got the hammer back and the decision's final.
Cocked and ready to go, but watching the door.
We all know why I do this.
It's for the attention, But when I don't get any; it's for real.
We look to our imagination for answers.
We seek from the all knowing ******* book.
Who are we?
Ask the judgmental ******* in the clouds.
I don't mean to disrespect,
but why should we follow a book?
And why do we choose the one one that forces beliefs and lifestyles down our throat?
His almighty just chooses a argument and makes us pick his side.
It is human nature to change,
yet the book has never.
Close your **** service and open your eyes.
The hate you preach is just a wanna be genocide.
Forget the easy choice think for your self
We believe we would rush to the aid of anyone,
But what about the kid that we all know dead?
We sit and watch him make his bed.
He goes to lie in it and we just act shocked.
What about the girl who sips too much?
We watch with precision as her kidneys are killed.
We count the scars while we shyly look away.
You call yourself a human being.
**** your backed up morals
**** everything you believe in.
We are here to die, but can't you at least help us delay the inevitable?
In his Innocence,
He asked me a question.
When the words slipped out,
I felt the first tear slip free.
I felt the makeshift sling,
The one my heart lay in slip away,
I felt it tear away under the burden of my answer.
I welled up not with anger,
But with sadness and Envy.
For I could feel no anger towards him.
In his innocence he know not what he had done.
And for that his downfall was his best quality.
I wanted to tell him to hold onto that innocence,
Because I know all too well
When it's taken, it's ripped from our careless hands.
I wished him luck;
For him it wasn't the end it wasn't even the beginning of the end,
But soon it would be the end of the beginning.
So in his innocence I forgave him for bringing up those emotions I've been burying.
In his innocence.
Just a name they say.
Live on they tell me.
Go day by day,
Live in his memory,
Go on for him,
It will only get better,
You'll find another,
No I won't.
He can't be replaced, or forgotten
Shame on your ignorance for even suggesting that.
Watching him writhing,
His cold lifeless eyes.
Do you know how it feels to watch your best, oldest, and only friend to begin his journey.
His journey to whatever is beyond the end?
Do you understand how it feels to gain hope with each shudder?
I cried on his cold shoulder until the vet dragged me away.
It wasn't a storytale death.
I tried to close his eyes,
But they refused to stay shut.
So with him my only chance of happiness died.
The answers we seek,
are the answers we hide.
We bury them beneath our brains.
We pile high above them with concepts and ideals.
What question do you mean to ask?
What answer do you hope to find?
How can you hide behind that cheap high?
How can you cover up those scars,
with only a phony smile?
This is the question I most want to ask.
This is the answer I seek not halfheartedly,
but with every breath and every second.
How can you not see this pain?
I don't even try to hide it anymore.
Not when I know a soul can't reveal itself to anybody.
Not when I know nobody wants my soul to reveal itself.
In a world of beauty
It's hard to see it for what it truly is
a world of beauty
It is our nature to blind ourselves with pain
It is our nature to be destructive
It is our nature to be reckless
We stomp down the beauty
Just to make our path
But destruction is just careless creation
To destroy is to create
And to create is to destroy
A clear canvas at it's purest is a sight for longing eyes
Yet we poison it with paint
We imprison it in illustrations
— The End —