Every moment that you are not here
My mind screams, echoing a sad song
The days drag on so weary and long
Each second, unsure how I endure

How do I move my body when so inept
A part of me is missing, am I with you
For I cannot see me, left without a clue
I hope you hold me close, safely kept

Feeling so lost, forlorn path I walk
May I for one moment prove my love
Nothing may in this light here, now or above
Except the fact you haunt me, 'round the clock

Do you feel this too, the madness
The thought your other half is untouchable
Or am I insane, dysfunctional
It has me wallowing in sadness

These thoughts are probably unfair
Alas, I find myself too selfish in my mind
I cannot help it, your light has me utterly blind
Wishing it was my time you could share

When there is nothing left
We will see the error in our ways
Though those left in ignorance
Are not the ones to blame
But the ones who hold the power
In indoctrination, lies and greed
Step outside that idea
You have the power
To stand against the corrupt!

I smell death
Cancerous growths
Test subjects and GMO's
  Pesticides, hormones and unknown disease
Sickened, weak and MSG
Unusual pallor
I smell *death

Animal instincts drive a man in
To a sweet smell, that of a *****
Siren is her sister, voice like an angel
Do not let her catch thee, thy soul will she mangle
Hair akin to silk, masking the snakes
Swallow thee they will, within their wake
Hands so gentle, look close they are talons
She is able to rip thee to shreds like a falcon
Eyes deep like the ocean, easy to get lost in
Careful, thou wilt drown whilst trying to swim
Lips of ecstasy, taste like a love potion
Oh no friend, that which thou art tasting is poison
Skin so soft, upon her lovely chest thy wish to dwell
Not realizing milky skin encompasses a hollow shell
Do not claim I hath not warned thee, friend
I wish thee luck, beyond *****'s will might thou transcend

I will pretend I am alright
that I am sane
I just lost it
swallowed whole by my darkness
I need you to hate me
all of you
vilify me, justify my own self hatred

I am broken glass beside a lake
Your reflection pure, mine distorted
Helped along a path in my wake
My love is not needed, it is contorted

Out of sight, out of mind
Push me to the farthest reaches
It is alright to leave me behind
As long as you're well, I pick up the pieces

Of
                              Broken
                 ­                                            Glass

Your reflection refracted in my shards

Beauty colossal is all I have ever seen
others may not have
but they were looking in all the wrong places
to be the one to hold you at night
exhilarated beyond belief
in any way, shape or form
that you may be
for within is where your wealth does truly lie
and I would never forget it
despite the sands of time
I know the truth
you have a beautiful soul
what on Earth could compete with such a force

I need to write a love poem
One about you
Enough with the dark memories
Let us shine light on something bright
Like the way you always make me smile
I find myself frowning for hours
Then you happen, I am caught off guard
Heart skipping a beat, feeling giddy
I remember why none of it matters
For I easily can get lost in your eyes
Tracing the outlines of your perfect lips
Let go of all these thoughts because you *exist

In a fit of rage you were
Breath thick with liqueur
A shotgun in his face held
Such anger could not be quelled
Screams of hatred impure
Naive, I jump in unsure
Now a gun held in my face
Unaware of the danger I brace
Shouts to move, nothing heard
Life I protect, I hear no word
Stop, just stop, this makes no sense
What triggers a crime so immense
A crime of passion you would regret
Put down the gun, you are the threat
It is not worth your lover interred
Sighs of relief, that night no boom heard

To Jesus you cried
Every time you had fallen off the wagon
Staring down an endless tunnel
You screamed how unfair the world had been
Yet who put you here except you, my tormentor
Needles, pipes, spoons these were your dreams
You forgot about what is on the other side of the veil
When you lost yourself floating on the ceiling
Daydreams and fickle nightmares, you got caught
Into a net that doesn't catch, it swallows
And ***** you into the bowels of Hell
Thanks for that, here I stand alone and I need you
I know how hard it is, God knows being human
The addictions are our best friend, worst ******* enemy
You forgot to look in my eyes deep and brown
And capture the love and need of a tiny child
So that child never grew up, she weeps today
Like a little six year old screaming, mommy
The hand was left outstretched and rotting
Now a pile of bones and ash, an echo
I love you as a little child must this is a rule
But you disappointed me beyond belief
Last time I saw you off in an ambulance
Sick with the demons that had ripped through your veins
I didn't believe it when I was told, hell for years I did not
Last time I spoke to you was years and years later
Sounding like you were a child with down syndrome
Who the ***** voice is this, sure as hell not what I recall
Spitting fiery lies about the man my father was
Maybe they weren't but who can believe a **** thing you say
You probably lied to and discarded him as well
You broke all our hearts, not just mine
My sister, leaving her my burden when she was but a child
How dare you break her heart the way you did, ******
Fraternal you had and you spit your acid on her as well
Making love to ***** needles dipped in sewage
Once you were a good person hands brown with work
Kindness a true value, giving the shirt off your back
Teaching about what is good in nature and spreading smiles
Once that was you but you fell in love with the devil
This is a jumbled mess but you, you love
You know exactly what the hell I am talking about
I love you but *******

The value I hold for myself
I place in what others see
The pain I have caused
I soon forget any of the happiness
And am left with the idea
That I am worth nothing
But pain and blackness
For I forgot about good deeds
And remember shattered smiles
Faltering in the whispers of the night
Pain sticks with us a lot longer
Than anything else, does it not
They say better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved at all
Think about that a moment
The memory of love grows faint
Masked in the outline of all the pain
The tears I have caused drag me down
Into their ocean I wallow and drown
As I deserve

Go the distance
cigarette in one hand
other on the steering wheel
listening to stories about drugs
keep running, do not stop
the world must end somewhere
why not on this backroad
step into a dream
become the fantasy
what is reality
when you live in the mind
I am quite insane
this thought is what hides it
judge me, hate me
I am honest
schizophrenia shines in times like these
who am I tonight
I will be a God hiding in silhouettes
a little girl crying in shame
or that boy screaming into the night
who cares when this is a dream

I am trying to overcome my fear of you
The images inside my mind scream, "Be afraid"
I lie at night listening, seeking to trust your presence
Seeing a flutter in the corner of my eye I still freeze up

Two halves of a whole, it shocks me you do not know hate
All the things I am not, you are and vice versa
Yet I still find this rather hard to accept, I am afraid
I know I need a friend though, one by my side all knowing

How long is it you have sat in dark watching, waiting
An entity devoid of all that I am I cannot understand
Mouthless, I have made you, screaming out my lack of value
Commune in my dreams, teach what I do not know of myself

Feeling a hunger inside
the kind that swallows me whole
an emotion that screams touch me
too many lonely nights spent
under a canvas painted in black

I do not love you
but can I use you today
I need to feel
need to feel essential
take me, lead me away

for one night, rip the canvas back
devour me in hungry passion
do not get too close to me
I am not looking for eternity
I just need something tonight

I do not love you
but can I use you today
I need to feel
need to feel essential
take me, lead me away

just one night do not forget
do not  attach yourself to me
I have no ties to this situation
like I said I just want to feel
tonight give me the power

I do not love you
but can I use you today
I need to feel
need to feel essential
take me, lead me away

Don't say anything
take my hand, lead me away

A poet pouring emotions onto paper
Many times obscure, hard to discern
Most would skim over, not feel the burn
Letting the words slip out of mind like vapor

For another poet though, this is not the case
Every despairing, loving, passionate word is heard
Nothing said misunderstood, seen as absurd
Never judging, for every poet also has been in this place

What on Earth would be a better match made
Than a poet and another poet minds linked as one
No need for spoken words, no need to take action
Whisper it to one another on paper, a private serenade

Dancing a dance no other could understand
Two perfect souls forever intertwined
Knowing completely one another's mind
A poet who loves a poet, their passion withstands

Far too long a lion caged
Ferocious and untamed
Set free to feed upon lambs
Rip roaring through the town
Innocents fall victim to sharp claws
In a flurry of teeth and fur
****** footprints lead the way
To broken heart after broken heart
A caged lion is ten times more vicious
Than if he had merely been born free

Solitary house situated deep within the woods
Inside a darkness so bleak naught can seen
Foundation rotting, appearing evil but is misunderstood
No one enters, avoiding pain that is often foreseen

For too long this house has sat apart in bleak existence
Pondering on its own blackness, why here, now, alone
What has happened to bring about such a distance
Lonely house, what you reap you have sown

Footsteps outside, a weary traveler does approach
A silhouette slowly appears from within the dark
House so long forlorn this sight does encroach
Traveler is unafraid, a long journey has he embarked

Time will only tell what may happen for the two
Dilapidated house may swallow man in darkness
Traveler may be just what is needed to become anew
Open the door, we shall see who is encompassed

It will take my skin a month to heal
and I am scared of the results
I am scared
dropping like flies among poison air
going down it screams at me from within
how much can be lost
before a heart stops
an already weakened heart
physically, emotionally drained
continually trying, constantly losing
the gong chimes under one hundred now
tick tock.. tick... tock.....
clock face cracking
pale aura
brittle bones
weak inside paper skin
not much more can be lost
before becoming a pile of ash
scattering into the wind to be forgotten

Tell me I am beautiful
That I make one touch the stars
Tell me I am pure
That my existence makes the world bright
Tell me I am lovely
That I feel like satin sheets
Tell me I am wise
That I soak up knowledge, understand all
Tell me I am sweet
That if lips touch mine nothing matters
Tell me I am kind
That with me here naught can feel pain
Tell me I am the only one
That no one else could make you feel this way
*Lie to me
I need to hear lovely lies

You may not be mine
For you are not property
And I also lay no claim
Over your being
But rest assured I am yours
I do not mind belonging to you
I will make it known
That my soul belongs to you
Along with my heart
Until the day may come
That it stops beating

Seven billion people on Earth
Why the hell are so many of us alone
Searching within one another for our worth
Love would appear to be a combat zone

Would you not think with so many of us
A soul mate might actually exist
Quite distressing it is, I must confess
A world revolving around trysts

Souls too caught up in lust
Gallivanting about the city
Contact for many an absolute must
While some lie wallowing in self pity

What the hell is love, might I ask
I am not seeing it in the world today
Seven billion people wearing seven billion masks
All hiding within their own cliche

Such a large world we live in
And still unable to ever truly connect
It must be human nature, a deadly sin
Thus true love will never interject

Envision real love all we may
It would appear not to be our nature
Always something will lead one astray
So in our dreams will it lie forever

We all want to be proven wrong here
We scream our own sad story into the night
Begging for someone to come, adhere
To bring some amount of respite

But despite our relentless screams
We continue on this vicious circle
Ignore the one who may answer our dreams
Falling victim to this eternal obstacle

The one that is our denial of love
To fill some void we cannot be free of

Old Orc,  happened upon during my travels
Your story saddens me, you claim it is not so
You told me your time has come
Lying in wait for an honorable death
Too old to marry, too old for battle
Your life had been fulfilled, so death you sought
Malacath requested you stand upon this road
And the honorable death you seek shall be found
I  then appeared to be the form you were seeking
For what better death than at the hands of a warrior
Skill in battle proven, for you fought well Old Orc
I pay my respects as I lie you down to rest
Scattering Blue Mountain Flowers about your chest
Find peace Old Orc, knowing you died a Warrior's Death

Will I really let this be the death of me
A weakness so pitiful
Cigarette smoke and carcinogens
Why do I place value on such an ugly foe
Blackened lungs
Hacking cough
Body turning to ash
Looking back in 10,20,30 years
Was it worth it?
So then why am I too weak to stop
I despise them
Yet I love them
Finding comfort
When death whispers in my ear
A disease upon the mind
I will keep trying
One day I pray that I succeed
To toss this ugly demon in the ditch

Why might I ask, doth a path lie here
Amidst thorns and angry boughs
Why path, doth thy lie here
When you leadeth nowhere
For so long hath I traveled
Encountering oh so many dangers
Nowhere may I walk
Without a vicious hand drawing up sword
Fiery hate, burning steel
Alas, another life must I rip away
For I cannot lie down and die, no!
Ah, Tamriel, may I not just live in peace
Nay, into your war drawn, a side I must choose
And follow seemingly endless, pointless paths
Much akin to the one lying before me
Ordered to ****, ****, ****
No peace until one or the other side is annihilated
Upon my shoulders this burden lies
Betraying many whom hath trusted me along the way
Until one way or another a corrupted man lies in control
Then off again down another dreary path
Dark Brotherhood seeking my assistance
Ah, but thou art vile murderers
Down with ye all!!
My blade vows never to rise to such hatred and angst
Dragonborn, Dragonborn! Help us please!
Fetch the Elder Scroll, Banish the evil!
Yet another burden
It would seem all of Tamriel needs at least one favor
Yet I do not shy away
For I love thee, Skyrim
I love the smiles good deeds bring, the thanks
I will continue to fight for what I believe
Until to Sovngarde's arms I am graced

Light is shining forth
throughout these dark paths
so why is it still
nothing can be seen
why so full of despair
ah, I found you
It is the fear
fear breeds absolute fiction
do not let it smile
for fear tells lies
with an inviting grin
draws you in
crushing you between jagged, yellow teeth
it will capture your soul
and drag you to hell
much like a cancer
it spreads like wildfire
leaving you decimated
with no trace of the one you once were
If you are so lucky
as to identify your fear
I beg of you
do not allow it to swallow you whole

I would follow you anywhere
up a spiral staircase ascending
until it reaches the heavens themselves
I will climb that far, if you only but ask
lead me to the edge of a sheer cliff
request, I will jump your hand in mine
point me in the right direction
I will swim across the ocean until reaching your shore
It is a little late to fear for my safety
Thus I will dig my grave, that you may ask I lie in it
no request too absurd
no distance too far
no place too abysmal
*I will follow you anywhere

My father must have had
severely annoying curls
dark brown eyes
tan skin to boot
he must have had
a heart full of love
a deep soothing voice
hands rough from work

I do not actually know
but I think he must have
for I am nothing like my mother
and I hope he was a good man

Waging many battles, can I win the war
I just saw a quote
"Monsters are real, ghosts are real too
they live inside us, and sometimes, they win."
I ask again, can I win the war?
The one raging within my being this very second
Conflicting, tearing, beating me every moment
Battle One, can I stop being human
Haha no! Of course not!
So embrace it, you lose this battle
Battle Two, self hatred
Well this is an interesting one is it not?
I think yes I can win, a long angst filled battle will it be
One setting me on a path to self discovery
Perhaps the bloodiest yet, we will see
Battle Three, expecting others to cure me
Be realistic we are all human
One man cannot lay that burden upon another
Time will tell if my own company can mend me
Battle Four, I harbor a Dark Passenger
No, not Malevolence, he is my friend
This fiery demon is the General of my opposition
He will not go down without a fight
Fueling all my darkest most lonely hate filled thoughts
Arrow to the chest misses
Dark Passenger will fight me to the end of the war
We shall see who is left standing
Battle Five, addictions
Enough said
Other battles must be won before that one can ever be fought
As weak as that may make me
But at least I know I am...
Battle Six, utmost failure
Sitting in dark rooms, never furthering my future
Pathetic I have been
This battle, yes I can win
For I crave knowledge above all else
Some peace can be found in that
The battles I wage are endless
Let us see if I can win the war

Amidst a sea of friends sat she
upon a toadstool smiling with glee
all beings in the forest sang of life
no entity in the wood knowing strife

The little fairy named Jheira
sang melodically to the swaying flora
dancing atop the golden mushroom
ne'er a negative thought they assume

I wish to join them in the glen
share the happiness from within
sing with the fairies to the wood
basking in all in life that is good

A solitary stone
amidst an abysmal lake
many have crossed to the other side
making use of the single stone
serene, emotionless on the surface
so the anguish does not show
although each footprint aches
stone sits in perceived repose
in actuality basking in sorrow
gradually the stone erodes
yet somehow is still poised
awaiting the next step
begging for the final footfall
the one to cease the suffering
at last to descend to the bottom of the lake
doomed to forever be a stepping stone

Withdrawing within
the fear has at last become too much
wishing now to seek comfort within my own self
not knowing how yet
on an adventure of self exploration
this is what is needed
before completely letting go
for how can one be encompassed completely
when they cannot love themselves

*much is yet to be discovered

Wanting the power
the power to my own undoing
complete control now lost
yearning the ability to be happy within my own self
without it I must surrender
completely helpless
left at the mercy of another's mind
another's wishes and whims
I cannot be so powerless
the idea utterly terrifying
waiting each day
for the power to be used
rip my already almost lifeless soul to shreds
at an impasse
unable to merely seize the power
committed to reaching within myself
envisioning the power is mine
then so shall it be
I need my power back
need it for me
that I may stop living in trepidation

Malevolence*
for so long stealthily hiding in shadow
today I became aware of your presence
I wish to understand you
but on the deepest level, I fear you
also though, I know I need you
with you here it means I am not alone
as I so long have thought
step forward
whisper my secrets into my mind
so that I may understand them
Mouthless, the others call you
yet still you are able to speak
you sought me out via a friend
tall, slender, clothed in black
many would seek to call you devil
yet you claim you are not such
I must accept reality is not what I perceive
let go of the fear I so desperately cling
and perhaps
you can lead me to what it is I seek

Such a lovely, sweet girl
spreading kind words and happiness
anywhere her feet do twirl
if a sad face she does witness
immediately will she brush away the tears
speak of fairies and better days
I will teach my daughter to be as she in future years
for nothing is better than spreading sunshine rays

Loving my planet
I wish to wake each day
and ask
what have I done to help today
recycle
open some eyes maybe
to the damage being done
can I do more
probably
lets stand together
better one another
and build a brighter future
I have much to learn
so join me please
teach me
and I will teach you
let us create a better tomorrow

When is it I am useful
I am screaming for you
Do you not hear
Yes, I know you do
Have I so little value
To be discarded
At the earliest convenience
Could you just listen
Is that too **** much to ask
Let me stop screaming
My voice has become hoarse
Listen
Respond
Guide me
When I am lost

I am fighting
but not hard enough
to fend off my demons
not eating well
smoking too much
turning to the bottle
short tempered
how does one fight
that which makes them feel
less alone

Here I sit, alone in the dark
writing again, unable to stop
while you are out dancing in lust
still not healed from your prior affliction
and this is why I am glad
I am the one who sits alone
in the dark
spilling my soul

Feeling the need to reach into my darkness
Too much contentment, my fear surfaces
So for the moment I dedicate this to you, friend
Shadows dancing in obscurity
For whatever reason
I am feeling rather translucent
At this moment
So I will dwell upon this thought
Ask myself
Why do I fight it, hopefulness I mean
It has to be a disease, with no cure
Or just that I am so broken
that I feel the need to abuse my mind
Surely I have endured enough
So why am I corrupting myself
Creating false entities
What in the world is wrong in my soul
Is there an antidote?

What so ardently sings me to sleep
Crisp wind whispering in my ear
Eyes peering across a lustrous, green mesa
I am not here, nor have I been
Although I dream it is so
Lover's hand in mine
Sun setting, her colors so incandescent
Ocean exhaling upon the rocky shore
Two hundred feet below
Nothing consoling my mind so much
As this cherished moment
Connected with the Earth's beauty
Alongside the one who makes it so

Hands rough, from long days in the mines
Only one day to look forward to
That day in which true love be intertwined
Star crossed love, perceived taboo
A Dunmer and a Breton!
Her father would not condone
For his stature would it threaten
So this love must remain unknown
This night we steal away
To meet in the hills above Soljund's
Gather my belongings, make haste, no delay
With her love, all else can be foregone

*Dragonborn travels
happening upon a doleful scene
two dead lovers
in the hills above Soljund's

For many years
hath I dwelt within a forsaken cavern
seldom light touched mine eyes
vision dimmed, hopes forgotten
passionate love long forsworn

Then what should happen
a most unexpected occurrence
loves hand ventured within my recess
entangled and lost in its own way
seeking his own revelation

Emotions so profound
at last reciprocated
abysmal cavern naught but a memory
as passion at last indulged in
lost eternally in the ardor of virtuous love

Sacred as the moon
Deep as the night
Nothing to me
Ever so yearned for
As your presence

Not sure what it is I even dream
sorry for being so silent in words
yet so loud in my thoughts
but I will keep trying
unless you wish me to stop
even then though I may keep fighting
if it is only in my mind

While she's off chasing fireflies
you're still sitting in the dark
waiting
why?

I still remember the darkness
unable to hide from it
it is a part of me now
run as far as I want
no escape
I think now, that yes, it is real
I have lost a lot of weight
pale skin
brittle bones
it is the darkness consuming me you see
it isn't just figurative
it is physical
darkness must be real when it has such a hold

I have these despair filled ideas
but I am not outwardly so
I love too
with such passion
it can consume me as well
my mind does not stem from anger and hate
but rather love and fear
the fear of love
being loved, then losing

within insanity fear makes the darkness take hold
and I sit here and ponder
will I get hurt
broken again
shattered glass
how many times can you be reglued
becoming more and more hideous
with each crack
never again to be smooth, pure and innocent
never reflecting a whole beautiful image

do not judge or blame me for my darkness, please
I cannot help it
I have tried to fight it
but now it is a part of me
so when you read this and realize how twisted I am
remember, I am just afraid is all
I cannot shake the fear

One straight line, one mass grave
So many people, fear one giant wave
One man in this line, so afraid
Why is this happening, someone come to my aide!
All I want is to raise my little girl
Love my wife, watch their lives unfurl
Become successful, live outside persecution
For these murderers, will there be retribution?
And what has bred such hate
A self loathing tyrant who wishes to dictate?
A muzzle has found its way to the one man
I am not ready, please this can't be God's plan
Thoughts go dark, the evil deed is done
Another life stolen, by a pawn with a gun

Alone
Like a man must
Standing
Face to the wind
Clinging
To nothing
So
When it rocks you
Balance
Is in the mind
And
Not the world
So
If you fall
Your
Feet are still
Planted

If I did not need
Food for fuel
Drink to quench thirst
Sleep for my mind
Love for my soul
I would endlessly walk
With this song on repeat
Through
Majestic mountains
Scorching desert
Freezing rain
Singing trees
Forever basking in the Earth's eternal beauty