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Anastasia C Apr 2017
A year ago today I was on this same bed. Instead of feeling loved and feeling alive I felt worthless. A year ago today I was on this bed crying. A year ago today I felt worthless by one single person for the first time. A year ago today a relationship ended that left me feeling pathetic for the longest time. Everyone knew it was going to happen, I knew it was going to happen and it did. My heart was broken for the first time. I hated myself for the first time.
A year later I feel loved. A year later I can love myself. A year later I can acepct that there are so many different kinds of people in this world and not everyone is the same. A year later I can understand that it wasn’t and still isn’t my fault for what I felt. And almost a year later, I am going through the same things, these things that can hurt you so bad and make you hate yourself. Things that cannot be changed no matter what compromise you make, the only thing you can do is to soak it in. A year later I felt love. A year later I feel hate.
You can take these things, these horrible and hateful things and grow from them. In the past year I have changed so much and only for the better. I went from trying to impress everyone to impress myself. Broken hearts aren’t anything to under exaggerate, they can’t be a big enough deal. My broken heart wasn’t anything most people validated and people would think i am crazy, but any broken heart is justifiable. They are justifiable because no matter what you are feeling from whoever made you feel this way, YOU are the one feeling it. You are the one who put emotion, time, and love into a person, not them. You matter, you are valid, you are not worthless.
A year later I can promise myself that I will not ever let anyone manipulate me. A year later I can promise myself that whatever broken heart I have it can not be disapproved by anyone else. A year later I can promise myself that I will continue to love when I am ready. And lastly, a year later I will never let anyone make me feel worthless again.
Recent feelings
Anastasia C Mar 2017
As I get older the word beautiful has less and less meaning to it. I’m 16 right now and have been in a few relationships, all of which were uneventful. There were fun times, bad times but nothing that stick out- as i said I’m only 16. But all of the people I have dated have called me pretty or cute or beautiful as expected and I didn’t care when they did.
The other day a boy was talking to me over text. I knew about this boy and that he was no good. I knew that he was only trying to get with me because I am a pretty girl and his ego is only fulfilled when he has a girlfriend by his side and when his group of friends are asking “did you get anything yet?” about whatever girl he has that week. Because I knew this, I made it obvious that I wasn’t interested. I didn’t want to be rude- I am a nice person but i just didn’t want any trouble and I didn’t want to lead him on. That night (after I ignored him all day because I was working) he told me he thought I was cute. The next morning he walked me to class. Sure, he could have been trying to be sweet but I knew his motive because he did the same thing to one of my friends the week before. I laid out the hints so very obviously; i mean I only answered a few of his texts. What really boggled my mind was that he didn’t know me, he has seen me, my profile pictures on facebook, my selfies on instagram, but he didn’t know who I was so how could I be cute?
This boy that was into me and thought I was cute and told his friends how I was perfect and cool but didn’t know a thing about me. He didn’t know that I was really into broadway musicals, how I have been playing piano since first grade, how I love to write, or how I love really stupid stuff like puns. We all know that if someone calls you pretty we just automatically have to appreciate them, but why do we? And I’m not saying I don’t like being called pretty or beautiful because yes it makes me feel good. But when you’re assuming that I am “cool” because i might be pretty, you loose me there. It doesn’t make sense to me. You could be the most attractive person in the world but that doesn’t mean that you’re a good person and it defiantly doesn’t mean you’re cool. What it really means is nothing.
Relationships now are tossed around like a game of catch and I am really tired of it. Don’t just tell someone they’re beautiful and expect a happily ever after. You have to make them feel beautiful. Ask them about their lives. Get into their heads and pick out the things you love and don’t love. What do they want to do when they graduate highschool? What is their favorite thing about him or herself? What is their least favorite memory? Relationships don’t take a few hours, they can take a few months and sometimes even years. But what do I know right? I’m only 16. I know that I am exhausted from hearing sob stories about relationships that last two days. They don’t exist. And I bet that they started from a “you are beautiful”. Anyone can tell you that, they can mean it and they can not mean it. Don’t get fooled by the spell of woo and batter your eyelashes and say thank you then be their girlfriend. It’s easy to tell someone they’re pretty. To mean it, maybe not. It’s a lot harder to make them feel pretty.
And there is no problem with complimenting someone for the sake of being nice. It’s when you want something in return like a relationship for calling them beautiful.  
I found out later that he called me some pretty bad names from a friend of his. He said to her that he just “really wants a relationship.” This proves my point that he expected something in return for a complement. Compliment someone because you want to make them feel good. And complement someone because it makes you feel good. Also, I am dearly sorry for not being an easy target. Better luck next time i guess.
I wrote this after I turned 16, it was before I ever felt love and it was the first time I ever was sure about who I was to people. I don't mean to come off rude, it is about how some boys expect things from compliments. Cat calls. It is about feminism and it is about self empowerment
Anastasia C Mar 2017
Today her name is amy
Amy is strong
Amy is bad
Amy doesnt take your ****.
Amy is confident
Amy doesn’t love and doesn’t expect it in return

Tomorrow her name is Jane
Jane is weak
Jane is good
Jane breaks down at your ****
Jane is insecure
Jane loves too much

On tuesdays her name is Jade
Jade is as strong as her name
Her name of stone
Jade seduces every man she sees
Every sad man
Jade doesn’t care
Jade eats his sadness up and licks it off their lips

Eventually the names change and they go from Ana- the *****, then Sady- the free spirit, maybe even Victoria who is exactly her name

Crazy they all are in their sick twisted ways.
The way that Cassie is the picasso of con artists.
The way that Emily is a **** for mindgames
The way that Carly will never find love.

They all are different, no two alike
But they come together as one
To create this monster
And that monster is me.
Anastasia C Mar 2017
When you love someone who doesn't love you back your world ends.

When you love someone who doesn't love you back you keep pumping love. You are so oblivious and eager that you give them so much love. No matter what they won’t give it back.

When you love someone who doesn't love you back. You feel nothing but absolute pain and sorrow. You feel like there nothing left except the love that won't be taken. Your love is so strong and there’s so much that it floods you.

When you love someone who doesn't love you back. You feel hopeless because of all the love you gave this person and how much you'd do for love in return. You'd give them all the time in the world, all the love in the world. You still do this relentlessly even though they wont give you five minutes when you need that five minutes.

Being in love with someone who doesn't love you back is a burning red pain. It's a pain like nothing else because no matter what you do, no matter what medicine or treatment you give to that pain it's still there. It's there when you see his face, hear his voice, remember his touch. It's always there.

When you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back, you don't have to worry too much about them intentionally hurting you. That's because everything small memory you've over analyzed hits you across the face over and over. You're constantly hating yourself because this one person was so important to you and now he's gone. “I should've done..” “Why was I so..” “No wonder he doesn't..” Those thoughts are toxic and seizes up your body.

When you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back, you get so ******* close to hating them. You hate that they've ripped you open, eaten you up and have left you to decay. You hate that they have let you hate yourself more than you could ever hate them. You hate them because of the things they gave you which weren't all good. And the things they stole. Like crying on their shoulders which they gave, but your pride they took.

When you're in love with someone for the first time and they don't love you back, you never want to fall in love again. You never want attachments with anyone because of this substantial pain that is constantly there. You never want to kiss with love, talk with love, witness love. You never want love unless, it's that one person you love. That's the only thing that matters. Love had a horrible reputation, it's either make it or ******* break it. Not take it.

When you're hurt by someone who can't feel pain, you wish you never fell in love. Never in lust, never started talking, never meeting. You wish you could erase their smell so you wouldn't ever have to think about why you remember it so well. You wish you can't vividly remember how their arms felt and how they were once so welcoming.

When you love someone who doesn't love you back, you are pathetic. You cry in bed while replaying your first kiss, first date, the time you fell asleep together. You can remember every feeling from the first time you felt love to the first time your heart skipped a beat because, well, it was ending. You remember the goosebumps running down your back when you last touched his hand as you left his car. That was the last time you'd be in his car. And that was the last time you touched his leathery skin that was wet from your tears. And that was the last time he would know how much you loved him.

You replay every memory over and over until they're worn out. And after they're worn out you can't ever get new ones. You love this person and you will for a long, long time. But they won't ever love you. They won’t get those stomach tickles when you hear their name. They wont miss having their chapped lips against your neck tickling you elegantly. Because to them that doesn't matter, they didn’t feel love.

When you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back, it's almost impossible to stop loving them. No matter what you do. No matter what they did. No matter how it hurts. No matter what, you will love them.

When you love someone who doesn’t love you back, you are incapable of stopping because you are paralyzed.
I am not feeling these things anymore, i wrote this after a breakup. This breakup was very hard for me, I never really felt worse in my life. The pain was horrible and I will never forget it. I hope to never feel this way towards someone again because as of right now, I don't want to love like this ever again. Theres so much emotion that goes into one person and it was so one ended for me. Ive grown from this and learned from this. l
Anastasia C Mar 2017
My heart skipped a beat that day
The day we decided to accept those sparks
The day we decided to make fire
What would i do for those flames?

And I know your head is filling
With nostalgic words of mine
And bittersweet sparkles on your lips
With tongue-tied mumbles

The flames were washed out
Because of indifference about before
We are now dark
We were once light

Red we were, we were so red
And now were falling down into blue
Into grey, dark dark grey
We were red and purple and it was so bright

Tonight is the night
Tonight is when we will sleep in our own heads
Tonight we will say goodnight
And tomorrow we will wake up to ice on our bodies

— The End —