it’s 12:01

although it’s a new day

my thoughts are the same, the walls

are sweating

beading down and puddling in my hands

I want to dissect you,

Discover the folds and crevices of your guts

I want to fall in love

But all I ever seem to fall into

Are snake pits and

***** bath tubs

Snort my left over pencil shavings

And maybe then you will understand my words

Understand why you have

Left me so bitter

The burs were hanging in trees
Like small suicides, ***** of pathetic waste
And I cried because I no longer owned my body
There were chains clasped around my ankles
And attatched to the seedlings
children pluck
and blow away

And I cried because I am a ******* hypocrite
The way I judge you for obliterating yourself
Sacrificing your health to
A girl who does not care
When here I am kneeled over
The toilet
Sacrificing my health
In order to be skinny

Ribs are cracking under the weight of
Piano keys and rich words
Gluttonous demons whisper
Tales of good fortune
In my ears
When all I yearned for
Was to attend my own funeral
All I wanted was to tighten my knee caps
Remove the marrow in my bones
Rearrange synapses
And guts
Replace vital organs
With sand

I ordered a lobotomy for dinner last night
The savory cuts in my cranium
Tasted like chocolate
And I saw myself lying on
The cold slab of metal
Like I belonged there my whole entire life

But the worst part is
I continue to
Believe my worth is dependent on
How much of me does not exist

I keep lighting myself on fire
and watch as the wax
drips down my body
settling in a lumpy mound
beneath my feat

and

You keep lighting yourself on fire
Until you are nothing
But charred insides
And wasted potential
tortured by everything you were too afraid to do

there are bombs fused to each of your legs
and all you're waiting for
is for me to tell you
it's okay
for me to dust away the gun powder
but that is not my job
you are going to need to save yourself

i am a phantom
a shadow of my carcass from yesterday
I only exist in your perception of me
but truth be told
in the entirety of your whole ******* life
you failed to realize
that i am more than just a body
you don't just buy a shell
and expect it to eat and drink
you buy the turtle
who will wear the shell, and give it the
the life it needs to move

i have dreams of slicing open my skin
and rays of light ooze out of me instead of blood
my existence depends solely on
my concious
but your existence depends
on my perception of you
without me you would destruct
without you I would be nothing but a fold
in the fabric of space
an idea at best
but most likely an unknown
force that guides the wind through your hair

every moment is a paradox,
a contradiction
because what is the point
when all life really is
is prolonged death - romanticized

the answer can not be fabricated, or known
only pondered
and it is within the pondering,
that you realize this:

it's 3 in the ******* morning
i need sleep
and these words have endless meaning
but I'm never going to find an answer
and I'm craving a grilled cheese

the marrow in my bones has begun to liquify
hot molten lava bubbling like
a thick *** of boiling chocolate on the stove
the stars are expiring
rotten milk leaking from the clouds
and accumulating in-between wrinkles
that paint your face like picasso
But when I peer into the darkness
all i can make out is you ripping off
your fingernails
exhaust pipes jammed down your throat

i have to shower four times a day
letting the soap drip into my eyes
to distract myself from your face
scrubbing my skin raw and red
rug burns up and down my arms
carve the bruises out of my legs
from the stains you shamelessly left

13 birthday candles left lit,
melting onto the frosting
wax dried and cracked over your lips
asphyxiated, blue, frayed ropes
tied around the wings of the vultures
who desperately try to peck away
at my rotting flesh
but I have yet to die
So can't you see how it is slightly ironic
Cement plastered bodies all dressed up
for a black tie affair
cigars in their pockets
and money crammed up their *** cracks

1:44 am and I cough up all those 'little white lies'
you pre chewed
and force fed me
glazed eyes
and the phosphorescent glow
from the street lamps below
is the only ******* hope I have left
for humanity

7 points
3 planes
9 lights
and this fire in my lungs
your presence was overbearing and I had so much to say
Bursting at the seams with such consequential information
I am a coward
I have never experienced a night where cars ceased to exist
And the wind invaded my pores so profoundly
All the things I could not say
God ******
So many moments where I could feel the letters slipping
Out of my lips, but I collected them
And shoved them back down my throat
And then proceeded to **** them with my conscious
"Are you okay", I asked
"Yes"
"I think you're lying"
silence
silence
silence
That was all I could muster up
But what I really wanted to say was-
I know you're lying
And I want to crawl into your cigarette fingers
Give your lonely chapped soul some company
But that does not even begin to portray the images;
Thoughts inside my brain, chemicals reacting
Refusing
Resisting
I am an imbecile
A decaying bundle of festering emotions and words
Slowly rotting my insides, I wish
I could just tell you
How I actually feel

All i find myself deeply caring for is

the discovery of new poetry

a cigarette on my roof at 12:43 am

the ink inside this pen, the paper underneath my hands

and that shoes inside the dryer noise

within my chest

and for some reason, nothing else sticks to me

it rolls off my skin like water on windows

puddling in front of my feet

darling, you don’t matter - maybe in someone else’s eyes

but in mine, you just don’t matter

*don’t take it so personally

Recently I have not been eating
I like how it feels
Wasting away
I want to become so frail that I sway in the wind
And disappear like the little burs from dandelions
Yesterday the cold infected my bones
and numbed my fingers
The icesicles in the air scraped my lungs,
But I liked it
Am I a ******* or am I
Mentally ill?
My suicide note is starting to resemble
The coffee I obsessively drink,
And the ink on my skin fading along with my chances
With him
The only way you're ever going to make a difference is if
Your name is in a textbook and children
Are popping bubbles and sticking the gum
In the pages
Is there a part of me that wants to hold onto life?
Why else would I write down my intentions?
If I was completely set on ending things
I would not need to write them down
They would fester in my mind comfortably
But these thoughts seem to fit very awkwardly
Inside my head
Then again,
What's the point in waiting?

chalkboard dreams
the chalky dust coughing out of my lungs
forming words in the air that
I can not comprehend, but you
rearranged the letters
like magnets on a refrigerator
picking apart my insides
staples stuck in the skin of your lover
all I asked from you was an answer
but you gave me more questions

rope strung around each finger tied to the substances you have faithfully
pledged your existence to
but these knots and strings are pointless
when point b does not reciprocate with point a

you have devoted your emotions to a pseudo relationship
built upon the crumbling granules of sugar and all things sweet
but sweetness only gets you so far
before your teeth begin to rot

i have taken a butter knife to my collar bones
and sliced away at the sick residue left over
from all the attachments
the terms and conditions that i vacuously accepted

or maybe i just don't understand how you could call this happiness
tediously worshipping these obsessions
you're losing your sense of self
touch with reality and what really
is alive

we sat on the boardwalk
pretending yesterday never happened
and the air smelled like dead fish

last night you kissed me
you were intoxicated and delusional
why are you pretending that you are now sober
why are you pretending that you
are no longer delusional

maybe it's all the **** fish
or maybe shakes and fries
remind you too much of
the girl who stole your soul
and broke all your ******* china

i'm just trying to help you polish your silver
and replace all your shattered porcelain
but apparently you like
walking on shards
and cutting your feet

you're getting blood
on the carpet

frayed edges of the putrid words
spewing out of your mouth
droplets of spit spotting my face
burning acid holes in my cheeks
i'm bathing in a tub of radioactive filth
and your angles tangle in the drain along with
the hair and the dirt
but i still love you

8:04
Rain
Inside and out
Sounding like a dream
And tasting like the bitter smoke from when you caught our bed sheets on fire
(I threw them out)
Charred hearts beating in unison lets hope this lasts forever like the empty pill bottles rolling down hills and right into your shaking hands- stained black from all the buildings
you burnt down
And when I told you about all the abandoned hospitals on the interstate you strung prayer flags and put caution tape all over my naked body because I left my soul underneath the overpass
(I must be a *******)
I continue to eat right out of your ******* hands

dusty books, pages thin and frail
like my mothers bones
decaying and oxidizing - the words fade
when the ink deteriorates
but that doesn't mean they weren't there
you tied a string around my teeth
and ran south for the winter and with each
step you took, a tooth would pop out
a constant reminder that you are no longer
here, but i wonder when i will run out of teeth
or when you will run out of earth
i sat on a friday night indulging myself
in stories and delicately counting the paper cuts on my fingers
but the dainty cuts will never compare to that time we ate cake
until our stomachs became flour, milk, and eggs
and you told me you loved me
then left to **** yourself
drowning in exhaust must be a silent way to go
and that cake won't taste very good in hell
i would know
recall your earliest memory and
divide it by all the unrequited stares
and thats how much i wish you would
untie my teeth, or stop running
and count the number of goosebumps painted on the
back of my neck and that is the
equivalent to the number of ovens you
accidentally left on
but I'm begging you to understand how immense
the ocean is because thats a very long way
to suffocate and salty water
will burn your wounds
Mariana's trench is a dark place
and the letters you wrote me reproduce on the bottom
not even the ugliest scar can revive my flesh that was chained
to those messages
but the meteor craters lick my surface like chloric acid
and all i wanted to do was repeatedly brush my teeth with the ocean sand
and clean my eyes out with mermaid tears
because you left a sickly residue that
hibernates under my fingernails
so next time you open your trunk
and find a mountain of broken glass
just remember that i loved you
i lost my fingers for you
i sold my soul for yours
but it wasn't even close to enough
what else do you want?
should i drain my blood until i am a desert of a human
shall i cut off all my hair?
and even then ill have an eternal debt to you
but you just turn the other cheek
so the plywood under my elbows
applies pressure to my spine
condensed newspapers stuck in the follicles
of the rain drops
but you don't even care

ombre sky from the deepest blue to a sandy shade of
unspoken words
its one of those nights where there is an ambience gathering
around the soft light of the street lamps
and there is a chill in the air, the kind that reminds you
that you will eventually cease to exist
smoking cigarettes is a mysterious thing because
you don't smoke to feel
you smoke to die and although there is a sheet
of black ice licking the bottom of our shoes
and our hands are shaky from too much caffeine
i can not finish these words because
there are no sentences, i can not find the right
combination of 26 letters to say what needs to be said
just know that this night is blurry
and when your hand brushes mine
i no longer need these cigarettes to die

eyes heavy like the shackles clasp around his wrists
weighing down my mentality without remorse
exhausting agendas exist and persists
your raw hands, empty with divorce

you told me between book shelves
how the paper reminds you of two summers ago
we now know we were destroying ourselves
ever since the first hello

you asked me to explain to you why it is this way
and i trudged through swamps and fought my way through damp jungles
to find this poisonous answer
but I all seemed to discover were the delicate scars dancing up my arms
and the reasons for why I should've just locked you away

you knew the answer all along
it has been hiding with the dirt underneath your fingernails
fabricated throughout the fibers in your bones
shame on me for gazing into your eyes;
seeing vapid intentions, but expecting fertility

i had a dream i was drowning in a pool of black and white
you shone flashlights on me expecting the light to somehow
diminish this infinite night
you stood there, watching my veins overflow
with a lack of oxygen
just as if I were putting on a show

that is not too far from reality
apply the inverse property
calculate it, the answer is actuality
your heart is a machine
and your brain is a pump
it doesn't take the geometric mean
to figure out you were just a speed bump

i warned you about my habit of hating
people are insidious creatures dedicated to breaking
and maybe you should of thought of that before we were dating
then maybe my love for you i would not be forsaking

i opened up to you, you saw all the bruises
the blues, blacks, and reds formed a painting inside
you picked me apart and thought of excuses
but its clear to me i came second to your pride

I'm not an object you can use then dispose
Im a ******* human being
and if you still don't understand that let me propose -
I'm the rose and you're the thorn
you aren't good for my wellbeing

call me bitter and everything in-between
but at least I know what it means to feel
this isn't a play stop putting up a scene
we can all see through your egotistical ordeal

i guess i'm just trying to say
you burnt me to the ground
threw what we had away
but life will grow from ashes, the dust is not bound
and lighting things on fire
that's just child's play
you threw what we had away

we drove through vacant parking lots trying to recover our lost luggage

the moon reflected off the gray asphalt making the *** holes look like craters

and your voice stung my skin when it broke the silence

because the interior has been worn down by all my angles

I was drowning in all the things I couldn’t say

for a second i felt greedy because

here I was choking in an ocean of thoughts

and there you were parched, searching for anything

any word at all

if this is what the surface of the moon feels like-

streetlights glowing on my hands, making a kaleidascope

of patterns and shapes-

then I still would never want to go

if it meant draining your bones until they are brittle

until they are nothing but dust piled in my hands

there are times like these where the paper stares back
as blank as I stare at it
there are times when my mind stops running and the fog clears out - the pain
has diminished, melted away in the cracks of recent lovers
covering them in a monochromatic film
it dulls the pain

the hum of the vent is whispering sweet nothings in my ear and
i've never noticed how grounding the table is under my elbows
the air tastes of musty filing cabinets but that's okay
because 1,000 years ago it was just a barren field
under my feet

my nose is running slightly and
there's a heaviness in my eyes that I can't explain
but I never knew being happy would mean wrapping up
the memories and burying them
under the desire to be loved

I think I'd rather be sad and introspective than happy and numb
it may be lonesome, but at least I am able to
differentiate between who really cares
and who's only here to say they've climbed the tallest mountain

it is easy to kiss a boys lips as his hand slides up your leg
to play along letting the infatuation of the moment
control you like a puppet tied to strings
because ******* means nothing, its like breathing
or sleeping
it comes naturally
that is the easy part
human connection, being with someone
despite how many hours grace the day
or how many miles cut between
emotional connection means they are there
no matter what
not just their unmentionables
indulged in your body
the hard part is holding hands
or sipping coffee, puffing a cigarette
in 5 degree weather, just to be together
relationships, romantic or not
require more than just physical elements
and you ask me why i am already okay
it's like you expect me to miss you
my respect for you has begun to decay
but can we still *****?

poison seeping in my veins
because you only speak
when its convenient

burning lips
unspoken words
let's just let the night tear us apart
painting our insides black
your words are sticky like tar
empty in the pupils of your eye

I find it difficult to believe you mean well
when your pores secrete mud
and your body is a cold hard shell
of who you used to be

i told you i loved you
my voice faltered in the absence of light
the words fell out of my mouth
ungraceful and ugly as ever
it is no wonder your touch went cold
the silence you chose not to sever
your reply was infested with mold
the distance grew and my chest sunk
"that's sweet of you, but i'm just too drunk"
and in that moment i knew
that i was wrong, i do not love you
not at all

how can a room
four walls and one window
feel like i have been submerged onto the ocean floor
the air is dense and unrelenting as you invade my brain
you insidious creature, you have latched onto to my heart strings
i am trying to peel you away like the skin of an orange
but you keep sticking
and how harrowing is it that
we have an expiration date
the doctors told me we only have 7 months left to live
and i don't know if i can bare the day to day pain
of looking at you
and seeing a ghost
these words we casually spit out should now be
deliberately picked apart
and digested so the meanings and the letters
can flow into our blood streams
I will still be able to detect the faintest bit
of you within me

my eyes are smashing you with jagged glass
whispering distress calls like
"you will hurt me"
"please don't go"
but your depart is inevitable
and we must assimilate to that tragic truth
Your skin will haunt me
the thought of your touch will induce night terrors
Your mellifluous voice shall pluck apart my flesh
As vultures do, but this is the price that I am willing to pay
because you are worth it all
even with this fleeting time bestowed upon us
Darling,
you have imprinted constellations on my complexion
so whenever i ache for your presence
i will be able to pinpoint your location
by the stars you have scorched onto my skin

window leaning on an old book the cold winter air
spilling into the room like it has been waiting for years
for this moment, starless sky and illuminated hands
colored blotches speaking in the hushed tone of
unobtrusive shades
there is a single cigarette packed away in the stories
and trinkets, it is whispering sweet nothings
in my ear

and you
you have been lurking in the hallways
your hands, thumbprints, lips
etched into the window glass
so every time i look to see the world
you will be there

Your bittersweet presence
brushes chalk dust across my skin
because i desire you here
but i think that is all

tiptoeing past the mossy graves you told me all the reasons
why this dewy day was lost in translation and how glass
was made by fusing sand
but thats never going to be tangible
unless that cigarette drag is smoother
and the billowing smoke stings my eyes
making them water and i will cry out for some
anonymous object to come and sanctify my chipping flesh
but your glare when you speak excavates the dirt
that permeates in the mausoleums in my heart
catacombs that hold all the secrets

sitting here the air as dense as the tension between
our ongoing glances, but as hushed as we know we are
we are not
the piano notes strum your heartstrings and you say music
is your only escape from this worldly existence
but that is like saying dreaming is the only way
you can see the world
there is always a trap door waiting under your bare feet
all it takes is a little bit of intelligence
to open the locks
and i can not tell you how much this snags
at the threads of my being
but if you do not slow down
then i will jump out

Rain is stampeding your car, a misty haze indulging the sky
eating the buildings, and the neon lights
break with every misspoken word
that fumbles off my lips
But your silence is solicitous
because you know how it feels to love
and to be unrelenting with this dedication
but it is futile because just like the neon lights
it crumbles and burns out and you are here with nothing
but the consonants and vowels left unscathed
and delirious, jumbled in a pattern only the universe comprehends
but it is night and the rain will continuously fall
despite willing it not to
and you will persist to stay bound in your provincial
mindset, despite willing you not to
i will always be analyzing my brain sequences
because i am that science project that slipped your mind
that 5 dollar bill you misplaced
i am all of those desolate nights spent
staring at your stucco ceiling waiting for it
to blink or move or say something audible
it never does and it never will
and the audacity she believes she possesses
churns my head into an excuse to whisper
all those passive things
subtle seasonings that sprinkle on your eyelids
like lavender dust
the pit of my stomach is darkening, waves shatter the tranquility
because i know the storm is imminent and i can not
fathom how to protect everyone
from the sick grasp of the abhorrent events
that are about to choke your eardrums

dusty books are keeping secrets
and their leather bound skin
smells of that time in the summer
when i stood over the dam
contemplating

pages crisp like rice paper
the ink inside smears
because i no longer have
the words to say

you gave me your words
delicate and raw
overflowing with consonants and vowels
entwined with meaning that i can't quite decipher
listening so intently
with the mere purpose of saturating myself in your vast
ocean mind

thats how it always is though
you dive into someone expecting to float
but sometimes you sink to the bottom
the water filling your lungs
bubbling in-between what i want and what i receive
i don't mind drowning in you
i like the feeling

I am writing these words
To rid you from my bones
Because you have carved your face into my head
And burned holes in my hands

I no longer wish for you to tag along
In my thoughts
You are a parasite that feeds off of my soul
And this darkness is begininning to hurt

My body is tying knots around my insides
The rope is turning me blue
I have never hated anything
As much as I do you

My heart is collapsing under the weight
Of your memory
I desperately want to hollow out myself
To scrape away the residue that you left me

flying in an airplane at night
she looks out her window, thousands of miles up
the glass fogs at her warm breath
and the lights from the ground below are a reflection of the stars
in the moment of the planes droning hum
she believed she was in space
completely alone
solitude
and a tear rolled down her dewy face
because she did not want to touch the ground
ever again

12:00am
there are camera flashes going off inside me
capturing every emotion and feeling
because it is right this second
that i feel like i love you

12:02 am
i know we most likely will not last
but let me enjoy the hollywood red carpet moment
let the paparazzi dazzle me
because i think i love you

12:03 am
i know our time is limited
and sometimes i'm 1,000 miles away
but i'm here now
and i love you

i am angry
blood shooting through my veins like a drugged up ****** addict
relapsing
and my hands are trembling

face; hot and red
you are standing there
******* clueless, in out of your head
and I can not think of the words to say

the splinters on your tongue
are poking my eyes
and the daggers in my words
tear apart your lies

but this is not how I wanted to live
glass breaking, heart shaking
mental violence
hate making

i want to make love to all your imperfections
throw my body into that sad excuse for a soul
and find a reason to stay
give you all, even though I'm not whole

but I am mad
and you are broken
and i don't think I can fix you

There is a plastic wrap  cover
Laying over my eyes
Keeping me from my lover
Because all I see are lies

I am afraid to be close
Because when it is time to go
We will separate like velcro
The ripping noise almost unbearable

Should I run away before you do
Split before you go
I'm tired of this constant black and white
Monochromatic sludge

I like winter because it splinters your skin
The cold air slaps you in the face
Bringing you back to reality
Trees shed their summer skin
Leaving nothing but the bare bones
Branches reaching for the sky

I like Winter because it reminds you
That you are alive
And that frigidness throughout your body
Is real
So you
Must be real too

I am so tired of trying around people
Forcing myself to throw up these words
That hold no meaning

And it's like a plastic wrap shield
That completely suffocates me
Keeps everything in
Without letting anything in

I'm trying to break free
But I don't think I will ever
Escape my own skin