Beep* Beep Beep
My arm flies for the alarm.
I groan and turn over in bed.
It's another one of those days.
It's another one of those weeks.
A clumsy lazy week where tiredness is absolute.
Forgetfulness stands above all else.
Forgetting my key, walking in the wrong direction,
When was dinner again?
I lost myself in time as I painted most the evening away.
...
Wait .. What was I writing about?

Sitting there - being amused on your phone,
Or even still half asleep,
He comes over to you,
Not the least bit cautious,
excited for any attention he can seek.
He tends to enjoy the company,
of anyone who will pet him,
Though is usually more careful of who he gains admiration from.
But this time,
I think my cat's adopted you.

Dear Soulmate,
I hope your out there.
Are you listening?
Sometimes I'm trapped,
my thoughts being the walls that hold me in place.
I question your existence.
I wish you'd find me soon.
I know I'm insecure,
I have so many flaws.
Could you wrap me in warmth,
kiss my tears away?
Cradle me with your time?
I don't want your money,
Or objects.
I just wish you'd enjoy being by my side.
I might push you away at first,
My walls as thick as my tears.
I'll feel too much,
Be shy one moment,
outgoing the next.
I ramble on,
Or not at all.
I'm easily jealous,
over emotional.
I hate myself.
But could you love me anyway?
Know that I'm working on it,
and love me where I'm at?
I'm by no means perfect,
But im happy.
And I want you to be too.
I no longer am a weak princess,
needing to be saved.
But I'm moving forward,
Hoping our fates will meet.
I love you,
Please find me.

They say time is a river.
Washing over you,
cleansing you from past tormentors.
I never believed this.
That these problems could just disappear.
It's not as if they just vanished,
I just don't care as much about back then.
It's finally in my past.
The river has helped old woulds to heal,
and made room for new possibilities.
I had never believed time could heal these tears,
But somehow ... it did.

I am capable,
Of many things.
Of using large words,
To tell you that your excuse was nothing more than a confabulation,
Or how ominous the sky is at night,
especially when your alone.
I am capable,
Of
Making you smile when things havent went your way,
Or lending my ear to those in need,
I'm capable of drawing you,
in a series of words,
to express the aura you give me.
I'm capable of wearing lace and ribbons,
Or being clumsy and cute.

But

I am Capable,
of Many things.
My words become daggers,
piercing your skin,
I slide them down,
Only to watch the red drip from your spine.

I am capable of ******,
If only I could find a way,
in an arsenal of possibilities.
but I'd rather not.

I am capable,
of tricking you into trust,
Only to tell your deepest secrets,
and watch as your world falls.

I am capable,
of ripping my own heart to shreds,
and I have on many occasions.

I am capable,
Of many things.
Do not underestimate me.

"Look, it's my blood!"
Words written on paper,
Oozing red,
Her finger leaking.
Her unable to see this twisted logic.
Trip her,
Lick her,
Push her,
These creatures of darkness stalk her.
You see an odd girl,
laughing over blood,
Giddy over absurdities,
I see a hurting child,
Haunted by inner demons,
Confused through mental insecurity,
Trapped within her own mind.
"It's not her fault"
But they run from her,
As if it were.

The moonlight glints through the windows,
The light playing in your hair.
How I wish the clock would slow,
And this time continue forever.
I know that he will come,
And our time alone will hault.
But for now,
For this magical moment,
Let me learn more about you,
Flood myself with knowledge of you,
What makes you smile,
Which memories are bitter sweet.
Times where that laugh played through the air,
A melody so soft and sweet.
Or when you shed those glistening tears,
When something touched your heart.
Flood me with knowledge of all these little details.
But don't let the clock race on.
For he will come,
And our time will hault,
Just slow the ever ticking clock,
Let these memories last a little longer.

Did you know that I was adopted?
A child taken from her mother not long after birth.
Did you know that I had an other half - a twin,
but they soon died before formation.
Did you know that I live my life by holding onto high standards,
for fear of disappointment and further rejection.
Did you know how often I've been told, "I'm pregnant"
And could only wish for the child's demise.
Or how many times I've heard, "He's in jail, but will come for you"
About so many different people,
Did you know that throughout middle school I cried myself to sleep,
only because of the pain this still hold's in my heart.
Did you know that I hate lies more than anything,
But keep lying to myself and saying, "I'm fine"
That I wear a mask around her,
pretending to be the perfect daughter.
That their obsessions have became my fears,
That all these little things add up,
creating a void of sadness that unleashes at unsuspecting times,
that whenever I look into a mirror all I see is them -
a monster staring back.

Dear Soulmate,
I'm sorry it's taking so long to meet me,
Every minute,
Every hour,
Every year,
Every decade spent,
Is so that you'll get to see the me designed for you,
Every trial we go through,
All so that I'll grow into the girl you meet,
Or you,
The perfect one for me.
And maybe your lonely,
Sad,
Or scared there without me.
And I'm sorry,
I long to be by your side.
But it'll all be worth it,
The day I finally meet you.
I'll love you.
I wanna meet you.

Fear prickles down my spine,
slithering it's way into my farthest reaches,
what will become of me?
If her words sting, as though time has lengthened each spite,
If the stage is busy, but without a crowd to watch?
What will become of me, if they ever find their way to me?
If art and music are no longer my only remedy,
What will become of me,
when I can only be surrounded by shadows and shards from long ago?
tears cease to fall, and all I am is numb.
What will become of me,
If I can meet new smiling faces once more?
If laughter surrounds the halls instead of evil cackles.
What will become of me years later, when my world renews itself?

No.
They do not cry out,
They do not groan,
But mumble and whisper their dissatisfaction.
They wish no one to know,
To carry the weight they bear.
They whisper their sorrows through words softly uttered,
And words carefully written,
But never read.
They see loneliness as a cloak
That covers them in busy rooms,
That mutes them to the smallest groups.
No ones there.
Everyone's there.
What's the difference?
When your locked in with your thoughts?

The floor is sticky,
It tugs at my feet as to keep them in place,
And refuses to let me abandon it.
Liquid chocolate courses through my veins,
Rushing to elate me,
Break the bond the floor has made.
A smile crinkles the edges of my cheeks,
And effort pushes my calves as if to move me from place.
Can someone cut away this floor,
So that I can hurry?
I need to get there.
Let me go.
Set flames to my tracks so my steps are quickened.
The fire lapping at my heels,
As I blaze my trail.
I need to get there.
Let me go.
Could someone set flames to my heart,
So I never forget this longing?
The fire reminding me to continue,
And I can reach it.
I need to get there.
I have to go.
But this floor pains me,
It covers my toes in goo,
and it oozes,
caramel melting,
I can get there,
But I'm stuck.
I have to go.
Free me.

Time holds with it many wonders,
Many mysteries yet to be solved.
It grasps answers and stats,
The evolution of exotic genes and habits.
But what does time have in store for someone like me?
Genes will never answer my questions,
One who has rarely seen her biological parents.
What wonders are devised to fulfill my hours,
What mystery awaits for one such as myself?
One who even Darwin himself could not classify.
Time mends all wounds,
But can time resurrect my lost soul?

I've never felt flustered for so long,
Never have I turned so easily red,
and yet it's been on my mind so much,
I keep wondering - how can I tell you,
How can I explain in a way that won't embarrass me from head to toe?
And the answer is simple: There isn't.
For even the smallest of hints will be so minimal,
So many friends keep saying the same thing,
but I'm too shy,
too embarrassed,
It's not as though I don't want to,
Nor as though I can't,
It's simply new territory,
and I'm too shy to initiate such a thing.
I love them to the moon and back,
for millennium to come,
And this is the best way to surprise them,
to show my love,
my appreciation,
..... and yet I'm way too shy.
Plan C : Activated.

Nostalgic you say?
You look back at slides and swings,
As if nothing but brightness became of them.
Friends & laughter,
Running free & wild,
The good old days when nothing mattered.
How could one be nostalgic,
Of something they never had?
I walked that thin, grey, concrete line.
A ghost,
Invisible.
Their mocking resounding in my memory,
Why would I mourn my past?
I was a captive,
Friendless,
Hurt,
Alone.
Family was never a way to escape,
I couldn't find peace from anguish,
Except for within Beauty.
The beauty of nature,
the beauty of writing,
The air through my hair when I swung.
How could I feel nostalgic,
When I see children playing?
Instead I conjure a prayer,
And wish that they don't end up like me.

It's cold metal was gnawing at my forehead,
His weight shifting ever further,
Fear gripped me in it's clutches as I awaiting my last breath.
He equipped me with a last request,
Deciding to take my chances I questioned to see my demise.
I turned to face him ...
But what I saw was shocking.
I stumbled over myself,
gasping for breath.
I could hear my breathing as it quieted,
could barely feel the pain through my flesh.
All that was left was my last image.
In front of me he had stood,
shouldering a gun in his right,
while cradling a teddy in his left.
His boys behind him wore sickly masks,
he was adorned with a mask painted onto it with a cat's blushing smile.
I did not stumble in shock,
let it be known had this wound not have killed me,
the laughter would've.
It was truly an unexpected death.

They say my poems are filled with sorrow,
and that is mostly true,
They say that my poems, though filled with emotions,
are too sad to ever be written,
They say these words should never hit the page,
that sorrow should not be shown through poetry,
and that these feelings that pain us to show anywhere else;
should never be shown in any form,
She dislikes my work,
wishing I would write happy poems,
ones that do not free me from my worst fears,
ones that do not cry for me the tears I cannot otherwise spill.
They save me from drowning,
offering a life raft on a merciless wave,
but they say they would prefer to see me drown,
in a storm of my emotions.
Where poetry will save my soul.

If I were capable of explaining  these consequences,
How would I do so?
How to explain that I was born in chaos,
but lived all my life in a protective bubble?
That it never touched me?
That your apologies are meaningless,
and I'm used to the way I've lived my life?
Adoption cannot be explained?
You could never understand it's emptiness,
and yet necessity as I do.
Stress is it's only mark.
Well that and the emptiness.
You may say,
"My mother is more like a sister."
"We look and act a lot alike."
"We're so similar we fight,"
"Or she gets me, and we understand each other."
Do not take such minor things for granted.
They should never be lived without.
You share the same eye color,
body type?
You both hiccup a lot,
or move around in your sleep?
Do not ever take such simple things as a grain of salt,
when it's gone,
You will wish to have noticed it more.
Growing up without knowing these about yourself,
why you are who you are,
You loose yourself.
Your unable to find your own identity,
or it makes the progress much more difficult.
Who are you?
The monster of their creation?
Are you their biology,
Or made by experience and living your own life?
This is the very struggle of my soul.
Do not ever take such important memories and wish them away,
NEVER take such an important thing,
saving you from my own loneliness,
For granted.

I am worried for her,
for her future,
for all the school she's missing.
Worried that I can't be there and hold her till all of the nightmares go away,
worried that I'm not good enough,
that I've failed her.
Scared to death of her loosing this race,
that she means every threat she utters to herself,
That she's not teasing us as she says she is,
that her nightmare's will  become her reality,
more so than they already are.
They say not to worry,
to concentrate on school,
and not let it affect my grades,
and I'm trying to,
but I can't help but tear up at where her life may take her.
There was a meeting recently,
in order to spread awareness to the cause,
and after fleeing the building,
tears wanted to build up,
And let out my anguish,
But my eyes are dry and unable to cry for once.
A rare occasion.
Few understand how horrible it's effects,
how much the creatures torment her,
I can't even imagine what she goes through each day,
as we just watch as they eat her alive,
and the rest of the world calls her insane,
a danger to society.
It's getting worse,
day by day.
medication failing,
tests being reevaluated.
They told us it was psychosis,
that it wasn't as bad as it could be ...
only to find out it's worse.
How can I not be worried?
My thoughts are a vicious cycle.

They say beauty is fleeting,
and I couldn't agree more,
but the beauty of the heart is eternal.
One could never fall in love for looks,
that's so clique,
and should not be considered true love,
But your personality drew me closer to you.
Your smile never fails to dazzle me,
your laugh is always charming.
Such a sweet outgoing soul
That has captured my heart.

Lacey Bows,
Ribbons in pastel,
Poofy dresses,
Victorian style,
This is my aesthetic,
An aspiring ******.
Garters and stockings,
Bows and floof,
Poofy in pink,
Sweet and blue,
Cuteness sourounds me.

Morning light,
Heavy eyes,
Just a dream.
Jeans & a Tee,
Patting my pillow,
I'll be back again.

How much do you love me?
I realize this question is formed,
From uncertainty,
You are my sky,
My galaxy,
I wish to map every star,
And call them each by name,
How much do you love me?
You make my galaxies collide,
Stars collapsing and expanding,
Until only your image remains,
How much do you love me?
An ever - present worry,
Resounding in my thoughts.

I have tasted happiness,
and nothing quite compares.
Once you have drank from it's waters,
there is no turning back.
For a long drawn out time,
Shadows of darkness had swept over me,
engulfing me.
Happiness penetrated those sentiments,
allowing rays of happiness in.
But these rays are fading as quickly as they came.
I long for them to stay,
long to rest in their comforting arms,
knowing that they are permanent fixtures.
But this is not true,
and they continue to fade,
and    s   l   o  w   l   y
D   I   E   S
A  
   W
             A  
                  Y

He was so young.
His father his sky,
and he a mere wonderer on Earth.
It happened suddenly,
and few could've predicted it.
The sky came tumbling to Earth.
in an explosion of trauma and anger,
He boy began to ruin his own life.
Few could understand him,
memories were his tormentor,
something they could not obtain.
How could they know what he felt,
they rarely remember that sky as he had.
And so the boy turned his face from the empty sky.
He took those memories for granted.
And began to waste away.
They noticed his pain,
could see the bonds that held him,
and wished to help,
but he denied,
and turned to poison instead.
Yet this could not bring back the sky,
and he fell deeper and deeper into the darkness.

Isn't that what you wish for,
your perfect ending?
In truth it's what we strive for - happiness.
People change, learn, and grow.
They become better versions of themselves all for the sake of living life.
All for the sake of attaining that one goal.
But you.
I wish that for you.
If only you could hear the heavens and stars themselves sobbing for you,
because they know how this story will end.
You will continue this life of agony,
never truly understanding your own faults.
And they will become your unraveling.
You will sink to the very depths of the sea,
wishing you could only know what you did wrong.
The only answer you will find is: nothing.
It's not my fault.
It's never your fault.
Predictions are essentially impossible,
no one can dream to image what one's life will become.
But you,
You've been playing with fire since the beginning,
and it will never cease.
Your cycle will continue,
again and again,
in a relentless loop.
Until only death gazes upon you with pity.

It's a disease,
and I suppose I've caught it.
No doctor can heal it,
no shot could hope to destroy it.
It's not contagious,
it's just dangerous.
It's playing with fire,
when you know you could get hurt.
Or Jumping from a tree,
when you know you could get injured.
It's a risk,
and I've taken one too many.
I play it safe,
Hold onto this disease,
and let no one know that it has me in it's clutches.

A light flickers inside the cavern of my chest,
A space never quite empty,
But never quite full,
As if treasures sat in my stomach,
But never reached my lungs.
Yet this light tries to fill the darkness,
And with it,
a warmth invades my thoughts.
A dragon lives inside me,
guarding the jewels in my kidneys,
and he makes his rounds through my heart.
Never once did I imagine that a thief could return to me,
What a loved one stole.
And yet,
My dragon sighs,
asking for me to wait.
When will this light shine so bright that it cannot be hidden through flesh,
And I,
a lovely flashlight will become your beckon?

She is a waterfall,
Her hair cascades in giggles,
As it falls from her mouth,
And she chokes on the strands.
They were only tourists,
there to bask in her halo,
a veil of mist,
and sunlight reflected in her smile.
They could never see the caves hidden,
Smothered behind her rocky cliffs,
Nor would they ever visit such caverns.
She was one waterfall in billions.
Each shining in their own glory.
And yet she could never see her own brilliance.

Your emerald eyes,
They shine in your joy,
But I can't see it.
The way a smile hovers above your chin,
How you laugh and joke,
Or the times you spend anxious or depressed,
I can't be there to comfort you,
I can't share my love with you.
Only these words I hope will make their way to you.
I'm missing you,
And it's tearing me apart.
Only 16 days until I'm in your arms once again,
But this summer has been an eternity.
I desire you.
To see your smile,
Hear your melodic voice.
My life is empty without you.
And so here I am,
Writing these words,
The only way I know to cope with my loneliness.
And so here I am,
Missing you my love.

Why do we mourn?
Because we lost something of value?
Or because our hearts have been touched?
Touched .... but how?
A gentle caress,
Lovely and sweet,
From someone you'll dearly miss.
Or was it a painful experience,
You'd rather forget?

A past removed,
No tears shed,
Why would I miss,
The recess laughter,
Resounding in my ears,
The fires of Hades,
Burning times most would find precious,
They haunt me,
A time to which I'd never return,
My present burning so much brighter,
Hope, love & light,
A future where I can finally smile,
So why would I dwell,
Finding myself nostalgic,
On ghosts of memory,
That tortured my soul,
And gave me reason to write?

this
problem,
my worry
dissipating,
Dissolving,
It's scattering.
And Shrinking.
blurring from what,
once was evident until
the burden begins to lessen so.
This worry of mine is slowly morphing,
transforming,
Transcending the boundary that once was
And now we'll just have to wait and see.
To find out what comes next.

Have you ever had that moment,
when your heart almost stopped?
Where time froze over,
and your mind ceased in it's tracks?
Or even when they seemed to over flow,
like countless drops on a rainy day,
where they passed too quickly too acknowledge,
but the gentle sound proved their existence?
And nothing else seemed to matter.

I want to invent myself,
In such a way that even sunshine,
Raises to meet my cheeks,
Or flowers bloom,
In the shade of my footprints.
Light falls from my smiles,
As contagious as laughter.
I want to invent myself,
So that all those around me can share in my cheer.
But Instead,
I slumber in darkness,
The past a rusty chain,
Twisting my ankles,
As I long to break free.
Yet I’m too much a coward to run.
I want to invent myself,
So even in this unrelenting darkness,
Those around me smile with light.

The battleground lays between you and me,
A Patch of Earth build for this very cause,
'Neath rock and tree.

I see your army,
Laid out weapons at the ready,
Your soldiers carry guns loaded with ' never good enough'
And bows notched with 'ugly'
The soldiers let out a cry,
Letting me know I'm an unwanted foe.
They spit at my feet,
And laugh,
The grins displaying rotting teeth,
Covered in slime,
Laid thick from their poisonous words.

But I,
alone on my patch of grass sit back and smile,
Your wars begun,
But mine is already over.
Making my way across the field to you,

I take your men by the arm,
And weave mine through theres,
Hugging away the armor,
Away the guns,
And the annumition,
And say, "Go home to your families. Your loved."

Yet a single dagger pierces my chest,
As I fall and lay flat,
Hypocrisy drifts from the wound,
And the war starts again.

I can hear your heart beat,
It dances to life's music,
and I wish to dance along,
1, 2, 3, 4
My steps worshiping it's existence,
I cannot live without this melody,
5, 6, 7, 8
It rebounds proof int my ears,
Traveling through the canals,
Across my auditory functions,
Allowing me to slow my breaths,
As to better listen.
Pay heed!
For you exist,
And that itself brings me much happiness.
I shall rave of the wonder that is your existence,
Until I myself find my own years fleeting.
So let me dance on!
My feet tracing the beat your heart has acquired,
And rejoice,
For you are here with me.