Why do we mourn?
Because we lost something of value?
Or because our hearts have been touched?
Touched .... but how?
A gentle caress,
Lovely and sweet,
From someone you'll dearly miss.
Or was it a painful experience,
You'd rather forget?

If I were capable of explaining  these consequences,
How would I do so?
How to explain that I was born in chaos,
but lived all my life in a protective bubble?
That it never touched me?
That your apologies are meaningless,
and I'm used to the way I've lived my life?
Adoption cannot be explained?
You could never understand it's emptiness,
and yet necessity as I do.
Stress is it's only mark.
Well that and the emptiness.
You may say,
"My mother is more like a sister."
"We look and act a lot alike."
"We're so similar we fight,"
"Or she gets me, and we understand each other."
Do not take such minor things for granted.
They should never be lived without.
You share the same eye color,
body type?
You both hiccup a lot,
or move around in your sleep?
Do not ever take such simple things as a grain of salt,
when it's gone,
You will wish to have noticed it more.
Growing up without knowing these about yourself,
why you are who you are,
You loose yourself.
Your unable to find your own identity,
or it makes the progress much more difficult.
Who are you?
The monster of their creation?
Are you their biology,
Or made by experience and living your own life?
This is the very struggle of my soul.
Do not ever take such important memories and wish them away,
NEVER take such an important thing,
saving you from my own loneliness,
For granted.

I have tasted happiness,
and nothing quite compares.
Once you have drank from it's waters,
there is no turning back.
For a long drawn out time,
Shadows of darkness had swept over me,
engulfing me.
Happiness penetrated those sentiments,
allowing rays of happiness in.
But these rays are fading as quickly as they came.
I long for them to stay,
long to rest in their comforting arms,
knowing that they are permanent fixtures.
But this is not true,
and they continue to fade,
and    s   l   o  w   l   y
D   I   E   S
A  
   W
             A  
                  Y

this
problem,
my worry
dissipating,
Dissolving,
It's scattering.
And Shrinking.
blurring from what,
once was evident until
the burden begins to lessen so.
This worry of mine is slowly morphing,
transforming,
Transcending the boundary that once was
And now we'll just have to wait and see.
To find out what comes next.

Why does my mind drift off,
Imagining you,
And how your laugh fills a room?
How your smile could war against the sun and still be considered even brighter?
Of how nervous you make me?
And yet so happy.
Imagining how lucky I am,
That you share these feelings.

Silence my heart,
You pound with joy too much.
Your dancing leaving me breathless.
Silence my mind,
You weave too many thoughts,
that spin in ever-chanting gears.
Silence my fingers,
your tapping leaves words too often written,
and with many gaps left unresolved,
Silence my mouth,
you speak far too often,
when you know not what to say.
Silence my heart,
you beat much too fast,
and leave me in exhaustion.

weak.
broken.
Afraid.
Coward.
Shy.
I am a mosaic.
.... or I would be.
I'm still trying,
working hard to pick up the shards,
to glue the pieces back together,
one by one.
It was shattered.
They took turns,
swinging at the glass,
that crowd you see before you.
Those lingering shadows whose harmful words sting my hands,
as glass cuts through.
Blood trickles down my flesh,
old wounds barely healed.
A heart left open,
easily on display,
but fragile as it crashes.
... But a hand reaches to help pick up the pieces,
and more gather,
unaware of the shadows who loom beneath the surface.
So many hands reach out to help,
more than ever before.
And I catch myself in awe of all the people I met,
and the friends who share their kindness with me.
More than ever before,
and my heart can't help but to happily cry as gratitude pools over.
I'm so glad to have met everyone in my life this year.

I get easily jealous,
I know.
Whether it's past loves,
A flirty remark made,
Or even fictional characters.
I wouldn't call this jealousy "obsession"
That's what I felt towards 'him'
My first love.
I won't say It's not a problem,
But I also won't desert my own feelings.
After all,
My jealousy brought me to you.
I struggled with my emotions,
Believed I only looked up to you,
I refused to acknowledge this crush,
Until jealously made it clear as day.
It's a part of me,
A valid human emotion.
Say it's a flaw,
one of my faults,
but it has taught me valuable lessons.

How could something so trivial,
so far away,
still be painful?
How could something so long gone,
cause one's soul agony?
To fall to their knees in tears.
Why must my past haunt me?
A life never lived clouds my mind.
'What If's' float about.
I could've been different.
My life could've been that of a nightmare.
Yet I was saved.
How can they still taunt me?
Still scab a wound who should've healed.
Why will they not fall from existence,
when things have finally slowed?
How could something so trivial still remain so painful?

She's so unsure.
She's not used to these sort of things.
Having them all piled on her last minute,
with little time in between.
It's not as if they were unthoguhtful,
or wanted to cause her such a headache.
Life just played out the way it will.
One daughter giving one tidbit of news,
the other another.
There's no need for surprise from her reaction ...
It was expected.
But can't she put some trust in us?

I build a glass wall between us,
I know I should've used bricks,
but I couldn't stand to be blinded from your dark brown eyes,
and swaying black hair,
I fell too hard,
but had to give you up,
my heartbeats which quickened each time you spoke,
could never reach your fingertips as you passed through mine,
I numbed myself to you,
my resolution hit,
a bullet through my heart,
yet my friends kept me going,
we are awkward when we speak to each other,
but I thought I was over you at last,
one single look,
one single word,
and it's all melted again,
but you hate me,
and only fall for other girls,
I've only been a problem for you,
and got in your way,
I just can;t keep myself up,
I fall for you over and over again,
This glass wall,
is slowly cracking

She haunts these places,
deep within you.
Dwelling on all tid-bits of your everyday life.
"What is immortality?
How would one life such a life?"
"What came first, the chicken or the egg ..
No no, a circle has no beginning. "
She is the loop of your subconscious,
the ever circling questions you may think of.
"I can't believe I did that,
what If I had ... done this instead."
"Why am I the way I am?"
"How did I get to this point in my life?"
But what might her name be called?
Well you could just call her the essence of over thinking.

I'm always stuck,
whether it's trapped in my own sadness,
or too excited for words.
Two extremes that rarely meet.
Until I met you.
Now even when I'm caught in gloom
you easily bring me to smile and laugh,
and somehow I know I'll be okay.

How
How could someone
Wish to replace their past
Ridding themselves of an accident and unaware
Betrayal

Sparks burst,
so many dazzling colors,
They illuminate the sky with a multicolored passion.
Their trails of smoke an aurora in the night sky.
Flashes of gold interlace with greens and fiery reds.

During the most odd hours of the day,
I find myself craving you,
Imagining your warm embrace,
Desiring to be in your arms,
Thoughts so unlike myself,
So greedy and relentless,
Flow through,
Wishing you were here,
So I could lean my head on your shoulder,
Cast myself from reality,
So I could be with you.

Fickle,
Ever-changing,
Humans are evolving beings,
Who could know their thoughts?
Their feelings?
Constantly changing.

This mighty beast,
What fur covers your back,
That these mechanisms haven't touched?
In what ways have we not polluted you?
These rusty chains lock you in this world,
Only to damage you,
Bringing strife.
Creatures of bone and decay,
In which ways will nature not take you back,
Uncoil the wires that fasten your skull,
Unmold the marrow from these pipes,
For how are we to save you,
From this nightmare?

Oh you of sunshine and song,
Your fingers dancing across the keys,
Make the instrument sing,
As if all days are of spring,
Without a raindrop insight.

Doubt
Remorse
Fear
Loneliness
Worry
Gears  turning
Lost direction
Moving forward
Blindly

What do your pages say?
For I am blind and lost
I cannot read you.
Distance,
Misunderstanding,
The embers,
Are they still lit?

I heard a melody today,
It's rhythm at times thick as sweet honey,
Others crying out in agony,
Yet always beautiful.
Its tune reverberates in my soul,
Telling me to play on.