She grew angry,
it wasn't for the first time.
She speaks her mind,
her mouth a fountain when she thinks somethings unjust.
Maybe she didn't realize you were busy,
maybe she was stressed,
Regardless of why,
She was angry.
Angry because I told her I text too much,
saying that that's impossible when your in a relationship.
Angry that I was moping after the dance,
and unable to put on a smile.
Angry that you were busy and didn't say bye to me,
Or let me know where you were headed.
I told her it was no big deal,
that you've been stressed,
that you've been busy.
But she seems so worried for me.
Though she really doesn't need to.
I understand what went on,
and I used to such things.
Maybe I was upset too,
maybe I cried,
but that seems to have become a normality that I can't escape.
I'm used to so much worse,
Being ignored,
Being teasing,
hated,
a misfit,
I'm used to them all,
So why can't I get used to not being with you?
To the point of my eyes welling up with tears?
I thought I lost them all,
That they shriveled away when he left me.
And yet,
here I am again.
Balling my eyes out,
but this time,
for no reason to be found.

Monochrome,
Boring,
Drag,
Tragedic,
That's what I was.
That's what my life used to be.
I faced recess war,
I became a ghost,
Disappearing from this world,
My nose always in a book.
Deemed weird,
Crazy,
Stupid,
Fat,
Clutz.
I was an outsider.
This town was a prison,
My own personal hell.
I couldn't escape.
I believed I deserved it.
Every word,
Every action,
Every tear,
I was worthless.
I had no hope,
No future.
Nothing lies beyond this town.
...
But there was
I found you.
All of you.
I found happiness,
Self worth,
Late night's spent joking,
Laughing,
Smiles.
I am not judged.
I am not shamed.
I am beautiful.
and treated as if I deserve to be told my worth.
...
Even so,
There is fear.
What if I lose this?
If In my happiness I forget how to live in loneliness?
People change,
They leave.
And I am too trusting.
My heart is given away freely,
But then it's shattered.
How many mosaics have I made?
How many times have I tried to fix my heart after being so deeply hurt?
Too many to count.
Can I really have a happy ending?
She who is so used to tragedy?



I hope so.

Wisdom speaks in voices unheard,
It falls upon death ears,
and a mournful conscious.
When spoken few take the advice handed to them on a silver platter,
nor do they realize the pearls hidden within crisp, thoughtful words.
Heed advice that may fight at your side.
When stress and anxiety's rise
find comfort in those around you,
those who seek to save you from your own demise.
And yet, you will not listen.
You will continue you fail and cannot save yourself nor those you drag deeper down into your own tragedy.
How selfish you are.
Yet it is not your fault.
No, it will never be.
Because this advice can only ever fall upon death ears.

This force that impacts our daily lives,
now awakens to keep me stirring.
It causes the brain extra aggravation,
and the mind a restless night.

We clash,
creating the rub of two minds,
to never fully comprehend the other.
Our mind's gears pulling in different directions,
the speed set at different intervals.

If friction tears us apart,
than why must we get along,
what glue could hold us tight,
keeping this crumbling friendship alive?

That of family bonds,
Tis only an obligation!
What must I do so that they are not disappointed in me?
How can we mend this shattering trust and love?

Such a small delicate being,
so easily does it wilt,
taking all of it's life,
and sipping it through it's intertwining roots,
once plucked,
it withers into a dark, shut off, decaying mass,
it's life is too easily finished,
Though small,
their voices are loud,
in the form of vivid scents,
spiraling sensations through passer-by's noses,
they take what nutrients are given,
and create a life for themselves,
A flower was given,
from a kind heart,
only to die within moments,
Her voice fades away,
as weeds tug at her throat,
not a word that can be heard anymore,
when uprooted,
give a flower sunlight water,
sing sweet words into her ears,
she'll grow,
stretching towards the sky,
but cut off her  roots,
and she'll never bloom again,
Such a strong flower,
but too easily cut off

They walk past it on the side walk,
sometimes they speak to it as though it still exists,
They see the dust of what it used to be,
and can feel the future that it will never have,
It had ambitions,
they no longer matter after the Earth took such luxuriances away.
The wind drags it into the night air,
where no one will see it.
It's shoes will be overflowing with the dust that was once flesh.
It's memories will carry on,
as those who had encountered it,
their memories deteriorate.
This is a future fretted over needlessly.
The idea that i am but a number,
one in billions.
one day i will disappear into the crowd,
my remains nothing more than a ghost of what I once once.

We are of one Universe,
One Galaxy.
But is this really so?
I am a galaxy,
filled with stars and planets,
fragments of the past.
These atoms manifest,
becoming the makeup of my very soul.
You are your own galaxy,
shining stars,
new-forming planets,
along with the pre-created.
But isn't it impossible,
that galaxies would collide?
Thy are separate beings,
unable to understand the creation of another.
Each planet unique,
each star too distant to truely see.
No galaxies could come close to touching,
nor could even hope to completely understand another -
and yet the empathetic human heart,
that lays in the very core of the galaxy,
is not without some compassion,
and a desire to not be all alone,
in the universe we are trapped within.

If I could draw a million dangos,
I would.
But I'd prefer to draw you.
It seems to be almost an obsession.
An impulse I need to tame.
Drawing how your hat sits across your ashen hair,
And your lips part in the sweetest smile.
Even sorrow suits you well,
As I wish to relieve you from your pain.
Such a kind soul should be drawn at least once,
Set in eternity through paper and ink.
If I could draw a million dangos I would,
But I'd prefer to draw you,
Time and time again.

Did your eyes ever become for me like stars?
Or your name,
my beacon when I'm lost in a desert,
Starved and piling sand into a gourmet meal,
As if the wealthiest have met with me,
And I, an honored guest at their party,
I bow to the host,
Before his flakey head crumbles to the ground,
And the other guests shriek at his absence.
The stars could've guided my way,
Out of this birthing grounds of delusion,
But here I sit,
throwing a fit in the sand,
as grains shoot against the sky in my frustration.
As they plummet back to Earth,
Another guest comes crashing to the ground.
Who needed her company anyway?
I begin to kick the guests,
Letting their knees buckle as they meet my floor,
until I'm once again all alone.

...
And so the cycle continues,
why does my heart
so easily love,
so easily trust,
is so easy to please?
why do I tell my thoughts to strangers,
making my feelings known?
It has only ended in heartbreak.
My heart crushed from love,
crushed from mistrust,
it's sorrow seeded to the farthest reaches of my heart.
Tears frequently overflowing,
yet I fall in love, and make new friends,
And then they leave,
only to become one with the cycle:
And so it continues
...

I was Only five years old,
The world wasn't a fun place to play,
I wouldn't run  around,
I refused to smile,
Adults were harsh,
but children were worse,
I was more grown up than those around me,
I was sad,
lonely,
hated,
broken,
My smile was crooked,
my eyes were full of tears,
My stuffed animals were my only friends,
and my class,
the enemies,
I sat alone,
talked to no one,
There stares penetrated my heart,
their laughs were sharp and pointed,
arrows ready to fire,
I was told I was an unwanted burden,
a child without a future,
a nuisance,
I
knew
every
one
would
disappear,
especially me,
A terrified girl by age five.

I didn't believe they would reappear,
I never thought these feelings could confuse me so much.
Do I?
Do I not?
I'm so uncertain.
I thought I couldn't get over the past pain of rejection,
I thought moving on would take more time,
but could my heart be wavering to someone new,
Or am I just confusing myself further?

How could someone trust so easily, only for mistrust to grow,
how could my happiness sprout, only for the sapling to wither,
How could anyone laugh so much, be shown so much kindness, only for it to fall into deep sorrow,
how could anyone hide a lie so easily,
"I love you"'s that now fall on depth ears.
I thought you were special,
I thought we were happy,
so how could something so trivial pull us apart?
It was your decision, they can't rule your heart.
Why does my heart fall so easily, only to ever be crushed.
A summer's love is fleeting, and meaningless,
and so I have to say goodbye, after all, this is what you wanted.

I have a soft heart.
Not in the way of kindness,
Nor angelicness,
Because I do not believe I am either.
But in the way that it is fragile,
Easily maimed and torn.
But it's also easily delighted and embarrassed.
You cause my soft heart to leap and bound,
Singing towards the sky.
My soft heart has little experiance,
And you,
Being the adorable cuddly one you are,
Cause my heart to take flight,
My soul flying with it.
My mind then leaves its quarters,
As my thoughts roll out the window.
And I am left in a happy daze,
Wondering if I'll ever wake from this dream.

Smooth, gentle, kind caresses,
passion, desire, love,
Why do you crave me?
Why would anyone be driven mad by me?
I am simply me.
Plain, ugly, bothersome.
And yet you treat me as though I have value.
I am blinded,
unable to see any worth within myself,
so how can you see any?
How can you hug me as if the world might end?
How can you stand the sight of my tummy,
covered in stretch marks and fat,
squishy and disgusting under your touch.
Yet you call it a soft cloud,
as if you've never felt anything as comforting.
I am grotesque.
I despise my body,
I hate my looks,
and the terrible personality that follows.
How can you see light,
where all I know is shadow?
How could you love me,
how could you care for my flaws?
This leaves me hollowed in confusion.

First, we color life,
full of our shadows,
our life
Our every moment,
our every truth.
Next, we take away the obvious,
making the shadows show was is missing,
Then, make these into shapes of all sizes,
maybe enlarging one or two,
and maybe shrinking this or that.
That is the abstraction of our lives,
To show the meaning that hides behind that smile,
why we do what we do.
Maybe the motiff of your life;
is death,
maybe love.
Or Loss,
Or gain.
After the abstraction, what is left behind?
What do the shadows create in your life?

I swear my thoughts are out flying on a cloud,
Watching the leaves plummet to the ground.
Dancing before fall turns to winter.
Their colors match my vivid heart,
So full of happiness.
It sings the notes,
Creating a chorus,
To fit the choreography of the leaves.

I like them,
I don't like them.
Their a good friend,
Could they be a little more than that?
Ah,
the petals of a daisy,
could never solve my hearts dispute.

The night moon gleamed upon the Earth,
It had created the tides,
and smiles of young children.
But now there is no such thing,
looking over us on these moonless nights.
there remains only a slim smile,
that left over after the attack,
a warning shot.

My loved one,
I know you care,
that your heartbeat beats as one with mine,
a resonating sound,
A tuning fork that hums in the same rhythm as mine.
There are days when we're so alike,
so connected,
and all I want to do is to burst from smiling.
But why do these emotions taint these happy thoughts?
Why must I be so insecure?
So afraid that you'll fade from sight?
As though I'm happier at seeing you,
than you could ever be to see me?
Not that I could blame you,
Not that I don't understand.
I'm not someone people should get attached to.
My sweet,
these insecurities are rooted in a friendship I've made long ago,

Loneliness is my friend,
and with it no one else will come.
Or if they do,
It is nothing more than a brief encounter,
for I am invisible,
and any friends that I meet will surely leave me.
And yet by saying so,
I feel as though I'm underestimating my friends.
That's not the case,
Its just all I have ever known -
The covers of loneliness I have lived in,
Who else has comforted me as much as solitude?
Who was there on those days when I wondered the darkness at recess,
When words were said,
bullets fired from their mouths,
And I, a transparent apparition,
could do nothing but exist without truely living.
Loneliness was by my side,
whispering how it will always stay by my side.
Conditioning me to trust him.
Earning my loyalty,
that will not easily fade no matter how much I wish.
Nothing in this world is permanent.
I will wither and die,
much like you who hear these words.
You cannot possibly say that you can stay by my side.
Everyone else has faded from my life,
These new friends are sure to either hate the real me,
or move on with their daily lives,
I,
a passing existence.
A number,
in the multitude of masses of souls drifting through this world.

I saw something new,
flickering within you.
I felt something new,
Slowly burning within me.
That time he called me sweet-cheeks,
and you got so defensive,
to the point of holding me protectively.
Your embarrassingly cute questions,
over whether or not flirting with party members,
is something D & D could allow.
Just sitting beside you,
drives my mind wild,
and our conversations speed my heart rate.
The time we shared during our first slow dance,
The dance recital you ventured to with me,
all these little glimmers of happiness,
I'll keep tucked away.
In a special box overflowing with joy.

Am I only in love with the idea of romance?
Am I not truely puzzled over feelings fueled by you?
That doesn't seem to fit.
When I see you,
I don't image the future,
or what could await.
Instead I hold onto your smile,
and the way your cheerfulness lights up a room.
If only the concept of romance was enough,
wouldn't dating sims and manga suffice?
But instead I look to your kind and sweet personality,
and the way you care about your friends.
Your looks could mean less,
But it's your personality that I hold so dear.
So no,
I do not believe I have fallen for you only to fall for someone,
but because you are you.

Why can't I trust these feelings?
That everything will be fine?
Why can't I hope that things will for once work out?
I know I'm childish,
to hold onto the ground when I could be soaring in the air,
but I need a safety net.
I need to make sure that I won't get hurt.
I've tasted unrequited love once before,
and oh how bittersweet it was.
It followed me for years,
and only now has faded.
So please allow me to keep this secret,
to not let the flames ignite.
Once that happens,
all stability will be lost.

Love is a ship,
it will break and can drown you.
It can be repaired,
but the nails and boards will always show through.
It takes time to fix,
slowly mending but never quite the same.
Love is constantly changing,
The gentle stagnation of the repairs,
The gentle stagnation of two hearts as they understand one another.
Love is a ship,
It will break and can drown you,
but is can alter itself to the perspective of the world it dwells in.

I'm terrified,
not of you nor the things you do,
but of myself.
I'm scared of how I'll react,
Of awakening my inner demons.
That their influence will overtake me,
And I will fall as they did.
For the daughter of monsters could only be a monster herself
a cursed bloodline
You tell me time and time again, "Your not them"
"You didn't make their mistakes."
I was their mistake.
How can I be told that I'm not them,
when I can so clearly see the influence.
I see it in my hair's curly strands,
In my quiet eyes that hold back tears,
In my own talents and interests.
Their blood radiates through me.
"Your so much like me babygirl"
spirals through my head whenever she sees me.
I'm so much like them.
I have his chubbiness,
Her ****** features,
Their penmanship even looks like mine.
I have her temper,
His intelligence,
... So how?
How can I ever escape these demons  who loom around me?
I'm so much like them,
I'm so scared of finding their faults within myself.

Words won't flood forth,
nor tell what my heart truely says,
How often do I think of you,
how often do I wish to see you,
and to be able to tell you,
that time we spend together is the best part of my day.
That I await such moments anxiously.
But my heart quivers at saying such words,
and grow more and more nervous.
I question everything I do or say,
until I remain quiet.
Hidden in a shield of shyness,
When inside I'm dying of happiness,
just standing next to you.

The Eiffel Tower, Mona Lisa, American Gothic, Old Cathedrals.
Were you given the opportunity,
you you visit these?
The Giant Bean in Chicago, Central Park, empty Insane Asylums renovated?
Most people would leap for the chance to see these in person.
They are kept well protected if not renovated.
What about a dying city,
where no one sees it's treasures?
An unused park,
beautiful but becoming emptier as the days go by with a vast space in the middle of a bustling city.
What about houses that are decorated, and painted in every hue?
Saving a neighborhood corrupted and invaded.
Here a house was fated to go up in flames,
rather than adored for the artist's creation.
Broken buildings, missing trains, amphitheaters vast but abandoned other than by the homeless.
Beautiful sights all of these - an obvious advantage for any city.
But no, tis not so.
Instead they go unnoticed and uncared for in a city who cares only about 'ruin ****'.
The destruction of once great artworks.

Maybe My Life was meant to be t
                                                               ­ h
                                                              ­         a
                                                               ­                 t
of a G
                  h
                         o
                                s
                             ­         t.
Forever wandering,
                


Empty corridors, intruding into their spaces.
M                                                        ­                                  .
y                            ­                                                      
cries  ech­oing into their acoustic cavern,
                                                         ­                  T
                                                               ­ h
                                                     e
                                           y
fade as I realize how alone I really am,                                  .
M                         ­                                                                 ­                      .
y                                        ­                                                                
         Invisibility confines me to                myself, -----------------------------
                 Hides                                        
        me                        from
Their                 eyes.
          Filled           with hatred.
             I was             always alone,
                    from the day,         my calendars first flipped
                         A                                                                ­                       Not
                         kind                                                             ­     everything
                                warm family,               is as it seems                   .
                              A wave goodbye            as dad takes off in his truck,
seeing new sights and adventures,          without any thought to those   who                         are left behind,
                   A mom who's tried           so  much,                                                          
that her remarks                            and smiles seem to fade away.
a little sister hurt from torture,                      and beheaded by harsh words that seethe                                              as poisonous as venom
A birth family                   far from loving
friends that constantly leave,              who are as precious as gold,
but abruptly              disappear,
"everything will fade away, it will all disappear,
until
          only
                        I
       ­                           am
                                   ­             left,
To wander empty spaces for eternity.

Is there something I missed?
Was I wrong to believe our distance was not that large a gap?
Is that not the truth of the matter?
When did we begin to drift apart?
I'm used to being alone.
Loneliness and it's darkness is all that I've known,
But could the first rays of light,
only be an illusion?
I was so happy when I thought we were close.
I've never had someone as close as you,
so much so that I felt comfortable telling you any woe that might appear.
You are so special to me,
but Is this only one sided?
Like everything else?
Am I not a close friend to you as well?
I cannot feel your pain during this trial.
I'm numb to loss,
yet I see your tears,
and feel your broken heart by your expression.
I wanted you to lean on me,
the obligation I'm proud to have as your friend.
Are we not close?
Was I a fool to believe that you see me as a friend?
So many times I've been deceived by liars and cheats,
I was so happy just hanging out with you.
I've never known what it felt like to stroll a mall just acting like teens for once.
I'm sorry that I'm never good enough,
I'm sorry that I can't be your rock when you need stability.
I wish I could've helped.
I wanted more than anything to soothe your tears,
but I am not that in which I thought I was.

Glowing red,
Myface heated,
As I try to be myself,
Thigh high stockings,
A mini skirt,
Corset pulled over,
And the piece of resistance,
A small black choker.
But oh,
My face,
My real skin on,
Showing true,
On goes a sweatshirt,
I can't do this yet.

Why must I splatter my mind across the page?
All of my bent up confusion and now happiness,
simply ink across the page.
How many poems have I wrote about you?
How many times have you entered my thoughts?
At least a dozen poems,
at least a thousand thoughts.
I overthink everything I do.
My mind constantly overworked,
and underpaid,
for all of it's forced labor.
And yet,
It seems unreal,
as though I'm living in a dreamworld.
I must be thinking too much.

When we think of a broken heart,
We believe the pieces must have been shattered by a crush or ex.
What of the mother who was never there for you?
Who brings new drama into light with the passing of each day?
What of the days she promises to see you dance,
but when the curtains rise,
she's no where to be seen?
The mother who gave a teenager Winnie the Poo toys,
And refuses to listen to your advice
because you'll aways only be her babygirl
but not really .. because she'll never drop what she's doing to see you.
But not truly because you are not her sun,
nor are you of importance to her.
You are simply the product of a bad night with the wrong person.
That invisible daughter who lives somewhere else.
She will never drive over to see you,
It will be on her terms,
or never.
But that's fine.
Your used to it.
Loneliness is how you grew up.
Floating in a bubble of love from your adoptive parents,
who though they try their hardness,
can never fill the empty space your mother made when she left you.
And that's life.
It can be disappointing and cruel.
You just need to keep walking and be okay.
'Sweeping life under the rug'
Until you can't fit any more under,
and your covered heart must react,
and so you take it out on those around you.
A sister who loved you and cares for you,
thrown to the ground.
Hurting those who you would never want to,
Until it eats you alive to the point of seeking help.
And yet, she will never change.
Broken hearts can come from broken families.

How I despise this feeling,
this longing,
this greediness.
Your every word feeds my emotions,
sending me into a happy daze,
or fitful tears.
I long for nothing but to spend time with you,
and this busy week that pulls you from me effects me more than I'd like to say.
I despise this consumption of your time,
this need to be with you,
the desire to have you to myself.
I realize you have a life to lead,
and want for you what makes you happy ...
and yet why must I succumb to this heartfelt plea?
To begin crying the moment I hear I can't see you.
Will this need that sends a wave of messages towards you only work against me?
Annoyance and irritation growing in you until you can't stand me?
My insecure heart repeats the record,
as it spins to the tune of,
"I wouldn't want to be with me either"
regardless of how many times you whisper how much you love me.
My inner demons howl their lies,
making me doubt what you have made plain before my eyes,
Showing your love time and again.
And yet my greedy heart longs for more.

That is my catch phrase,
I'm sorry for never realizing,
I'm sorry for the pain I caused,
that everything happened wrongly,
that i'll never understand,

I've said it so many times,
my chin pointed towards the floor,
my eyes shadowed by sorrow and regret,

I'm sorry I'll never be enough,
I'm sorry I made you cry,
that I caused your smile to fade,
sorry for the things I've said,

I hurt you and others,
relentlessly,
mercilessly,
and unknowingly
stabbing them,

you see,
Im sorry for everyone i meet,
because I'll only cause them trouble.

Children of the lost,
you shall gather by my side,
hear these words for you.
The lost will reman lost,
their hope is forever gone.
Darkness has overcome their light,
and they will never seek it again.
You hold within you a beacon,
a chance bestowed upon only you,
use their darkness to lead yourself to the light,
learn from their mistakes.
You are not a monster,
nor empty screams fated to never be heard.
I find myself stuck within the realms of my own darkness,
but find light in this and travel to safety.
For it is something only you may do.

I wish you could understand how often I have these thoughts,
these wants of mine,
that I slowly tolerate and repress.
The joy of wanting to surprise you with a sudden hug,
or to lay my head against your shoulder.
But I am a mouse,
too afraid to come out from my hole,
too worried about how my heart will burst from my chest.
yet these thoughts remain.
Nagging at me,
wishing I could bring up my courage enough to.

So much time had passed,
Since I last felt sorrow this deep.
So much time had passed,
Since I last felt it's intensity.
Why do my sorrows drown me?
And my joys elate me beyond belief?
Why must woes taste so bitter,
And happiness so sweet?
Recently my joys were all around me,
Surrounding me like rays of fresh sunlight.
Now darkness slithers into the deepest crevices,
And how I know it's misery.
I wish to feel the warm winds
Those that ride happiness,
A calming air.
But only a drizzle of tears will come.
It's droplets scorch my skin,
As they fall,
Wishing to bid them adieu,
I rub my cheeks.
sadness and I are old acquaintances,
leaving me as a victim of this relationship.

All I had ever seen was pitch darkness.
There was no light,
no conture.
Nothing.
Just blackness.
I had no hopes,
no dreams,
no aspirations.
I was just ... there.
But a light dwelled within my very soul,
it grew each day.
Shining brighter than the last.
Until it became powerful enough that it needed to escape the darkness.
And so I let it leave.
I lifted my finger and began to trace,
shapes and images first.
The light would seep through my finger,
creating the image before vanishing.
I continued,
it filled my days with more than bleak nothingness,
and soon I fell in love with this.
I drew anything and everything,
I write poems, and stories that lasted for mere seconds.
I began to want more than the darkness and wished to escape.
It's shadows heard my soul's plea.
Working to drown me from my desire,
It only grew and manifested more and more.
Sick of my prison,
I tore through the darkness,
seeking the light.
There I found a world in which my creations could last an eternity.