hurt.
drowning.
help.
i want a way out.
the tears force their way forward.
i'm trying my best.
all i want is to be okay.

that's the thing about pain.. it demands to be felt.

the small act
of you leaving
for the night
crushed me in flight
my solo sleep
causes tears to creep

night means tired.
tired means exaggerated thoughts.
exaggerated thoughts mean more feelings.
more feelings means more thoughts.

spiral.

turtles all the way down.

a numb ache in the bone,
feels like you're alone.
with a head full of lies,
im saying goodbye.

i want to feel warm,
but this room is dark.
a heavy atmosphere combats my cold.
there's a soothing voice coming into my ears.
a ball on the floor, i curl up,
that's in my head.
a stormy world outside to match me, to catch me.

my coffee is cold.

my face falls on the outside
as i crumble inside
there's a weight assisting gravity
pushing down on my shoulders
         creating
a
    spiral

what is the great perhaps?
to escape the labyrinth that is life,
to decide on a final word?
no.
my great perhaps must be to escape the labyrinth...

but come out the other side.

it comes,
and it goes.
but love,
let it flow.

that's the thing about pain,
it demands to be felt.

~okay~

fingers flow along the sea of white and black.
mind consumed with memorized melodies.
it's like coming up for air.

it's 11:19 and i don't feel okay
it's 11:19 and nothing seems right
it's 11:20 and i can't get comfortable
it's 11:20 and i need someone by my side

it's 11:21 and my world hurts at night

someone to listen
and someone to care
they seem to glisten
these thoughts that i bear
shining so brightly inside my head
i sometimes wish to be dead

you seemed to listen
and you seemed to care
you understood the thoughts that i bear
you held me tightly through all the pain
and promised to be by my side

the beginning of the end.
the end of the beginning.
points in time.
time in points.
who are we...?
are we who...             we think we are?

everything's a lot.
not sure i wanna give it a shot.
the pull is strong... i know it's wrong.
these rhymes...? they're not mine.
ha, just the other me inside...
i tried and i tried,
but it's almost like i died.
cause ya know...
life is ****, give me my mit
to catch this ball
thrown over my head
on a day to day basis...
i try to play the game.
oh wait.. not the mit.
let me grab my mask.
i'm the catcher with the mask on my face to protect the embrace of the feelings ball.
my emotions thrown at 90.
then they come in for the slide
and my tears well... glide.

she says she's alright
but turn down the lights
it's all in her head now

words

            twisting

inside.

            thoughts

spinn­ing,

           spiraling.

my heart heavy laden with words unsaid
jesus jesus where is your spirit?

my mind wreaking havoc in ways i didn't know possible
jesus jesus where is your peace?

my world falling from the sky, now lays in pieces at my feet
jesus jesus where is your presence?

my body aches, painful and numb

jesus jesus i need you...
now.

dear anna,

the world changes
the ground shifts
we still make plans
we still find gifts
gmorning
(lin manuel miranda)

love, anna

i don't want to go through with this,
but it seems like we're doing this.
you're forbidden, like it's hidden...
but i want it.
you ask me how do you feel,
i say "is this real?"
i pinch myself to see.
you know i've wanted this forever..
you and i, do or die.
i've got the motherf**ckin bandit by my side.

wasn't my fault
~
but somehow i'm the one who get's in trouble

my hands smell like gasoline
my heart is on fire
the friction of you pulling my heart strings ignited a flame
i can't take this heat
who's to douse my love in a torrential rain

dear anna,

hi love
you made it through today
you smiled
you laughed
you danced
you sang
you made it
even though things disappoint,
there's always some good
talk to her and to him
they'll help you out
they can ease your doubt
two steps forward one step back love
you'll see... you're always moving forward

love, anna

up here, it's calm.
up here, i feel larger than life.
up here, everything will be just fine.
up here, i feel real.
up here, gives perspective.
up here, i experience the impossible.
up here, life is minuscule.
up here, the horizon is endless.

when i fly, when i soar,

over, around, and through the clouds.

dear anna,

it's okay for the tears to fall
it doesn't help you're tired and it's late
think about how nice it was to share safely with amanda and karen
and how much they care about you
think about how strong you are
you will feel okay
you will figure it out
you will feel the sun again
i promise.
think about how even on your worst days you can still smile
there must be hope in that... right?

love, anna

today was a sideways thumb.
not all the way down but not deserving of up.
today was a rollercoaster,
of highs and lows, unders and overs.
today was walking in the sunshine,
and recoiling when the voice was raised at you.
today was cooking and rain,
sidewalk talks but later feeling blocked.

i gauge today with a sideways thumb.

here one moment.
gone the next.
i didn't even see,
how he took it from me.

how did i not notice?

how dare i...

sitting here,

just me and myself.

the world half asleep,

but about to rise.

birds singing their song,

the sun peeks up to have a listen

i heard it
on my way upstairs
your mocking you thought i didn't hear
now i sit with tears

i smile
i cry
i harm
i heal
i break
i mend
i lose
i win
i fall
i stand

i can't seem to fight
my world could be bright
it doesn't feel that way at night
but writing is my light

the days where your heart soars
your soul graces the shores
as the river of life flows
and the garden of hope grows.

imagine.

what is this life that i flit through?
year by year.
month by month.
week by week.
day by day.
hour by hour.
minute by minute.
second by second.
i feel i'm merely just passing the time.
passing by,
passing through.
the individuals of time flow past me,
as though time,
is a deconstructed reality.
because one moment is always the next,
seemingly leaving me reaching towards something inevitable,
and sometimes it can't seem to come soon enough.

life is a grind,
not against him,
but intertwined,
with my mind.

today i wake up sick.
today i wake up anxious.
today i wake up scared.
today i wake up uncontented.
today i wake up conflicted.
today i wake up feeling isolated .
today i wake up.

today will be okay.
today i will smile.
today will hold promise.
today i will breathe.

today.

i will wait, til the days are filled with insurmountable joy.
til my lungs breathe on their own,
not startled by any slight.
i will wait, holding on, til i feel free,
not bound to constant anxiety.
i will wait, clinging to the small, but meaningful.
not to focus on the desperation of the overwhelming big.
i will wait, because i know that this night won't last.
every midnight giving way to a continuous flowing tomorrow,
bringing a new sunrise, new chance and hope.
i will wait, in reverence, of the impossible universe giving me a reason.
a reason to hold on.
a reason and purpose to give some meager meaning.

i will wait.

i don't know what or how to feel,
what's my deal?
never a comprehension of emotions,
never an understanding of feelings.

I'm taking over my body,
Back in control, no more shotty,
I bet a lot of me was lost,
Ts uncrossed and Is undotted,
I fought it a lot
And it seems a lot like flesh is all I got,
Not anymore, flesh out the door,
Swat.

I must've forgot, you can't trust me,
I'm open a moment and closed when you show it,
Before you know it, I'm lost at sea,
And now that I write and think about it,
And the story unfolds,
You should take my life,
You should take my soul.

You are surrounding all my surroundings,
Sounding down the mountain range of my left-side brain,
You are surrounding all my surroundings,
Twisting the kaleidoscope behind both of my eyes.

And I'll be holding on to you

Remember the moment
You know exactly where you're going,
'Cause the next moment,
Before you know it, time is slowing
And it's frozen still,
And the window sill looks really nice, right?
You think twice about your life,
It probably happens at night,
Right?

Fight it,
Take the pain, ignite it,
Tie a noose around your mind
Loose enough to breathe fine and tie it
To a tree. Tell it, "You belong to me.
This ain't a noose, this is a leash.
And I have news for you: you must obey me."

You are surrounding all my surroundings,
Sounding down the mountain range of my left-side brain,
You are surrounding all my surroundings,
Twisting the kaleidoscope behind both of my eyes.

Entertain my faith.

Lean with it, rock with it,
When we gonna stop with it,
Lyrics that mean nothing,
We were gifted with thought,
Is it time to move our feet
To an introspective beat,
It ain't the speakers that bump hearts,
It's our hearts that make the beat.

And I'll be holding on to you.

like a tattered and ratty rag,
i've been worn down day by day.
by constant use and abuse,
i get thrown to the side
with the rest of my kind.
the cupboard in the back, in fact,
is where we hide.
kept in the corner
and given cold shoulder
to think back on the days
when we were given praise
instead of these cries
and end all lies.

her.
the idea of one.
a special one.
an intriguing one.
my heart thuds in my chest a little harder.
is this really how i feel?
or is this some "phase" i'll look back and laugh at?

this must be real.
a heart flutter at her beauty.
a smile at her smile.
i can imagine her with me.

who is this "her"

is it just...
the idea of one?
a special one?
an intriguing one?

the world gets into my head
and there i go off the edge
my mind at the mercy
of what should be my least worry
the people yell, the people scream
it's my soul that takes a harsh beating
mind sinks
limbs tremble
who would catch my fall...

we facetimed
and it was hilarious
lip reading and asl
to communicate
cause you had poor connection.

canoe sunset rides on spider lake.
1am star sneakouts to lay on the pontoon and talk.
running to walmart in the rain.
"welcome to caaaammmppppp"
first night frybread.
take me home country roads three guitar jam sesh
letters back and forth.
worship at the ridge. bless.
blair lake sunsets.
12 hour naps in sick room.
mighty mighty.
bonkers.
ducking underwater to escape the horse flies.
kaelynn flipping out of the kayak in baggy jean shorts.
seeing sarah after four years.
running to AO with Dustin and Ruby.
mirror selfies with rachel.
mario kart everything.
talking with meredith in the hearth room.
so many games of quarters.
joy's snickety snacks
towel over the head with sophie and joy
cassie being the speaker my first time counseling.
laurel's blue water song
laying, crying, and talking with katie the last night
AMEN across the lake
cabin adventures to star gaze on pontoon.
running to matthew and rachel with tear filled eyes after talking with amber
aidan's long 10pm kind thoughtful and affirming texts

a place in the clouds,
for me and my self.
a chance to fly,
a chance to soar.
a place in the clouds,
for me and my thoughts.
a chance to see.
a chance to be,

up here in the clouds.

this morning feels like a tsunami.
incredible waves of
tired.
sadness.
anxiety.
i think i might fall under...

it rushed upon me,
unsettling.
a thought, i never thought i'd have.
i pushed it away,
never to stay,
unless it were to get too bad.

goodnight to the ones who feel like the night lasts too long
goodnight to the ones who feel they can't sing their song
goodnight to the ones whos smile was dimmed today
goodnight to the ones who feel led astray
goodnight to the ones who may feel a little blue
goodnight to all you, let me give you a clue..
you will make it through.

dear anna,

i'm not sure what to say
i can't keep my thoughts at bay
they're seeping in filling the cracks in my mind
and i can't seem to find,
any consolation

darling..
as she once told you,
you hold the weight of the world on your shoulders

let go.
it's okay.
you're alive and that must mean something.
these days are temporary. tomorrow always comes and passes, never a moment, so you're always moving forward.
i love you. you're loved.

love, anna

somehow,
my signature got forged
on the contract that is life.

i didn't sign up for this.

in this moment i need a hug.
in this moment i want to see the stars.
in this moment i can feel tears.
in this moment i feel oddly relaxed.
in this moment i don't know what i'm feeling.
in this moment...

in bed before two
only three minutes before
four words, here, it means more.

five words to change today,

"today is going to be"

six words to turn it over,

"a good day and here's why"

seven words to complete the phrase,

"today atleast you're you and that's enough."