Time went slowly by
And yet oh so quickly.
It crawled and flew.

It has been years,
Yet here I am.
In my familiar, safe space
Of words and music.

To much time has past.
Many things have happened
And changed.

*But I have come back. I missed you

I'm a suicide risk with a slim chance of recovery.

Haven't felt your touch in days.
You don't know if you want this anymore.
Do you not want me anymore?
Do you not love me?

The cord that connected us is severed.
Its demolished,
Mangled,
Just gone.

It's not over but we aren't together.
Stuck in a weird limbo
Of are you still mine or are you looking for another?

I've always wanted you and I knew we were meant to be.
But now
I'm not so sure.
You have shaken my faith in love.

But I will love you even if you don't love me.
Call it hopeless love
But I believe in you,
In us,
And in our little family.

I watched the sky transform from a glittery black cloak
Into cotton candy blues and pinks.

The sun rose slowly but sure of itself
All the while spreading warmth and light.

Trees went from lumbering, dark monsters
To tall, vibrant green friends.

Flowers popped with color
And swayed in the wind.

All the while I watched this I thought of you
And how much I wish you were here right now to experience it with me.

I never expected to live this long.
I thought I would have sung my swan song.
I don't have a plan,
I don't even know who I am.

10 years ago all I wanted to be was dead.
Now I'm lost.
Searching for myself in others
But no one feels quite right.

There are similarities,
but my full self is not to be found anywhere.
She is hiding and evading me.

But the promise of a future,
Filled with children and a wonderful husband,
A family all of my own,
keeps me going.

And trying to be the best I can for them,
And future me.
Future me I might disappoint you at times,
But I won't give up on you.
It might take time to make my dream a reality
But we have a support system that can help us with anything
and if it wasn't for them we would have never made it this far.

You
Absolute
*******
*******.

You shredded my heart and dared to call me heartless.
You said that I was cold and a disappointment.
You said that my choices lead to this and I left you.

I was a warm person but you froze her with your abuse.
I had a heart but you turned it into stone from lack of reassurance and angry words.
I tried my best with everything but nothing was ever good enough for you.

A waste of breath
Waste of life
*****
*****
Can’t do anything right ever

That plus so much more I heard every day
But I told myself that you didn’t mean it and that you were just angry.
Threw my failures in my face
Even the ones that you knew were the most sensitive.
At the end of us, I was free and saw things with clear eyes.

You abused me
Verbally, emotionally, and mentally.
You manipulated me.
Tore me down and created a person
Who was submissive and believed every negative word you said.

But now I’m free.
I can do what I want when I want
I can go where I want with who I want.
I’m not afraid to voice my thoughts or alter them so they won’t upset anyone.
I don’t have to tiptoe to avoid an earthquake.

There is someone who cares about me
He listens to me and remembers the small details.
When I ask if he can teach me something, he does it as soon as he can.
He shows me affection in small ways that lets me know that he cares.

He doesn’t push me to share things.
He knows that I’m healing and that there is a lot of problems.
But he still comes back and tells me that everything will be okay.

We all have problems and go through hard times.
But there is never an excuse for abuse.
You hurt me and killed the woman I was.
Now I have to try to heal and rebuild from the ashes.