I thought being back here would make me hurt
Missing you.
Instead when I closed my eyes last night
I saw you clearer than I had in weeks.
My dreams were wild and vivid
And for the first time in a very long time
I wanted to stay asleep not because the real world was too painful
But because the dream world was better.
You and I were walking on a quiet street at night.
It was cool, and flowers bloomed in secret gardens between brick buildings
And I could see the ocean down the lane.
You held my hand.
I was so happy to be with you.
I remember you turning away, looking up at the stars,
And I could see your back framed against the brightness
And you said,
"Isn't it beautiful?"
And I looked at you,
Back turned black coat silhouette,
And my eyes filled with tears and I said
"Yes, it is."
And only then did I glance up
And see the most breathtaking night sky I could have imagined.
It was the sky I always see when I am lucky enough to dream of you.

The stars in that sky are indescribable.
They are not the stars
They are your stars.
They happen because of you.
They somehow hold every color in every spectrum
They move without moving
They explode all at once like fireworks
But somehow they remain completely still at the same time.
They are the special kind of beauty that artists chase-
The kind that only exists in dreams and can't be described or captured in any way.

They were a blur of sheer perfection, and to look at them was to remember you completely.
I thanked them, in my head,
Full of joy and hope and love.
I thanked them like I used to thank the stars in our world
Every night walking back to my place
The cold making your name a swirl of grey against the darkness.
I still thank them today
And I say hello to you every night when I see the very first one,
Because I figure that if you and I can see anything at the same time
5 hours
And 3,000 miles apart
It must be the sky, and that moon, and those stars.

I thought being back here would be like
Walking through a field of ghosts,
Things I can't have because they're memories and you're far away.
But it's amazing what hope can do
And yes, those moments live-
Every detail. On the benches by the lake,
Running down the center line of the street laughing,
In the hallways here,
And at my door.
Everywhere I saw you, I see you,
But I find that I am hungry for those moments.
I love them.
Now that I am back here...
Yes, I miss you.
And yes, I love every moment of it.

Roof over our head, smile on our lips.
Rings on our fingers, baby in the stroller.
You and I work the 9 to 5 shift,
Before heading to bed, lights out with a kiss.
A perfect life: Except I'm bipolar.

The day to day is more than bearable.
Little fights, taking little to heart.
Then I snap, and it all gets terrible.
Singing dramatically, dancing on the table.
That's when the fun part starts.

What triggers it is anyone's call.
It could be a traumatic event,
Or it could be for no reason at all,
Other than neurotransmitters not being sent;
Sending my mind into a place I'm enthralled.

I'm sent to a building that makes me feel well,
After bringing your patience to the brink.
It's a necessary evil, but at the time, it's Hell;
And when it will happen again, no one can tell.
I'm sent home with pills and time to think.

Roof over our head, smile on our lips.
Rings on our fingers, baby in the stroller.
You and I work the 9 to 5 shift,
Before heading to bed, lights off with a kiss.
A perfect life: Except I'm bipolar.