Back then I tried to clean out my heart like it was a closet I’d been filling with bad ideas and painful regrets.
But the memories of us were too heavy to throw away.
So I just pushed them all aside.
And every time I looked to my heart for guidance all I could hear was your name in its beat.
So I couldn’t even breathe without you.
And maybe we fell apart back then so we had a chance to rebuild our foundations.
And now I’ll never let them crack.
It’s as though you climbed my heart like a mountain and left a flag as a reminder of what I’d be missing when you were gone.
And I missed you.
You left a draft in my ribcage when you stole my heart and I’m only just getting used to the warmth of its return.
Every day there was a flashback of what we used to be.
Every night there was a dream of what I wanted us to be.
Now I wake up in the morning and I see what we’ve become.
We fell apart so we could fall back together.
And I did fall.
My love for you is deeper than the Mariana Trench.
And even if you could swim that deep into my love for you, you’d never understand just how much.
Back then I didn’t believe in fate.
But now you make me believe in anything.  
In everything.

I spent my time with you getting lost in day dreams as I stared out of your window and at the sky.
Making pictures of our potential future out of the clouds as the wind blew them by so fast that I had too many dreams of us to remember.
The sun in my eyes blinded me like your beauty every time I look at you.
You in my arms felt like the world in my hands.
And you lay with your head on my chest, so close to me that I could feel your heartbeat and even though you're sleeping, you still smile.
I find it impossible not to smile with you.
You erase every negative thought and emotion in my head and my heart and I get lost in the euphoria that being with you creates.
Nothing else matters.
I could wake up to this every day.
To you.
Everything we have right now is enough and I feel like it couldn't ever get better.
I find it so hard to believe and yet still, I know it will.
I could have been content laying with you as we did.
I could have listened to you talking forever, breathing in sync with the beat of your heart that has been shattered by those before me.
I crave the intricate details of your past that I was unlucky enough to miss out on.
But I'm here now.
I'm jealous of everyone that left their fingerprints on your body.
And I'm angry at anyone who ever left a scar on your heart.
And I wish I could replace your past but instead I can offer you my future.
I want to know you better.
Know you more.
Know you deeper.
Know you all.
Will you let me?
If you fall I'll be ready to catch you.
And I'll be falling too.
And I know you're scared, you're not the only one.
But erase the predispositions that your past has left you with because I'm not like the others.
Cliché I know, but its important that you understand.
The way I feel I'm lost in this freefall is making me pray that my feet don't ever touch the ground again.
I'll carry you to keep you closer to the sky.
To the stars.
To make you feel like this reality is more like a dream and to keep it that way for as long as you'll allow me to.
The past has been a tough journey and I know your heart is made up of fractions not quite adding up to a whole.
I can change that.
This journey lead you to this very moment and I know you're smiling.
This journey lead you to me.
And I'll help you put back the pieces of you that others were heartless enough to break.
Because I want you to be the most you that you have ever been.
It's you that I want.

I am not pink lace and bony knees
I am not please and thank you
I am now and because I said so

I am ripped jeans and skinned knees
I am not a thin wafer
I am a loud tongue

my body has never once been a temple
I am a volcano erupting at random intervals
I burn everything I touch

some are born with a silver spoon in their mouth
I was born with a hunger
for something I have yet to taste

I have never been meek
A proper lady
A lamb

I am harsh worded
I speak like a grater
I leave bruises and burns

I am a sinkhole
And if you're not careful
I will swallow you up

We were on the jetty eating orange popsicles
and staring out at the glittering afternoon sea
I was eight years old the first time you ever uttered the word

cancer

it wasn’t a just a sickness anymore
it was definite
it was terminal
something permanent

I was eight years old the last time I held your hand
as we walked back to the car

I haven’t been back to Maine since
or on a jetty even though I’ve always loved them

I was eight when I went to church and prayed for you the entire service
little knobby knees kneeled on the velvet

I was eight when you died

I was eight when I told god to go **** himself
and ever since then I’ve had a hard time with belief

I’ve had a hard time being in a church without feeling angry
I was eight when you were buried
and it still feels like it happened just yesterday

When I was in second grade a boy punched me
and I punched him back
until his nose bled on mulch

and ever since then I don’t chase boys
and I do not care for blonde hair anymore

when I was in second grade I would make
homes for fairies in the dirt using
moss and leaves and dandelion stems

when I was in second grade I had a house I could rattle around in
I could sulk like an angry ghost in a house built in 1867

I would wander around in the forest with two boys
I convinced them we should break into old houses
and our neighbors sheds

We created a world of green and vine and stumps
For Christmas one year we decorated a tree

We were the little ones who never wanted to go home
We called ourselves Peter Pan
Because we were never growing up

That was all before I moved
And the last day with them they crowned me Queen

I would climb on the roof at night
and feel the warmth of the sun still lingering there
and that was back when I was scared of what was in my closet

but since then I’ve befriended it

It was the heavy breathing
I think
that I liked the most
our mouths made no movement
as our faces dried
and sternums rocked
planted kisses in a chalk line
wet florettes on my chest
pretended to worry
about potential marks on my neck
such gentle
aggressive manners
heart rate raised
resulted in the breathing

I will always pick you,
to be my partner
I will save your place in line
despite the angry people behind me
I will laugh with you on your worst days
I will laugh with you because I know it means you're sad
I will laugh with you because I will feel awkward too
I have saved up all the gold coins you have given out
the ones you hold in your otherwise empty pockets
the ones you give out when someone really needs it
they are hard to find,
most often they've come in the form of a rumor
that saved me from hating someone
because you knew I could never hate you
they've come in the form of always choosing me
when it came down to it
they've come in the form of the hard truth
even when I didn't want to hear it
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
I will always have a spare bedroom for your one day son
just like you always had a couch in the basement for me
If only, there were soundtracks of our late night conversations
about politics
and exotic biology
we might finally win something together
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
because I have seen the best of you
and I have seen the worst of you
and I choose both
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
mostly because
I am afraid of the dark
but you hold fireflies in your chest
for the days that the sun just won't come up
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
always