I remember taking us out to dinner
Back Summer time.
You thought it was the last dinner
We would have together.

You thought it was the last time
You would be seeing me.
I remember you digging your nails
Into your skin at the dinner table.

You dug your nails so you could keep yourself
From crying.
I gently guided my fingers under your hand
And stopped what you were doing to yourself.

You didn't resist.
Just prayed the tears wouldn't spill.
I coaxed your nails away.
Such impressions left in your thigh.

I did my best to assure you everything would be okay.
The pain in your eyes, I'll never forget.....
A guilt I still carry.
Try as you might, tears still ran down your cheeks.



Fast forward to Winter...
I was digging a blade
Into my skin.

I dug a serrated edge into my arm
Sitting in my driver seat.
Just prayed the tears wouldn't spill.

The panic attack was the worst one
I found myself gasping hysterically through
The past seven weeks.

As my skin broke, and bled
I could finally **** in
A deep burning pull of breath.

My world hasn't been the same
Since you cut me out of your life.
Since you detached.

I could finally see the road as I drove to safety.
Tears stinging down my sullen face.
...It's been a long time since Teeth and Talons have left their mark.

Reservation had me firmly seated.
Curiosity got me leaning forward.
Discovery took hold of my hand.
Enthusiasm rang in my ears.
Excitement and Joy had me laughing.
Nerves sent ripples across my body.
Jitters and Eagerness held me as lips locked.
Elation shortly follows as a sincere smile is recognized..
Adventure sits in the seat next to me as I drive home..
.. Confusion turns out all the lights...
Silence keeps me lost.. for days..
Worry leaves a chill I can't shake.
Anxiety wraps its hands around my throat.
Depression floods my lungs.
Eventually.... Anger erupts.

The hardest dose of
You don't know
What you have
Till it's gone

It couldn't be
Anymore
Painful
To swallow

No, I don't think
It was selfish of you
At all.

You were just
Following your heart.
While I was denying mine.

I wish I had fought for you
As hard as you
Fought for me..

You've been appearing in my dreams.
It's the only time I get to see you now.
I remember the last few times
We were together you were hesitant.

Hesitant and anxious
To hold my hand.
Thinking
I would pull away.

In my dreams, it's you
Who pulls away.
I manage to hold your hand
After a gentle effort

Such grace you carry yourself
I'm enthralled...

But I fall apart in your arms.
I can't keep myself together.
Last I remember
We were in each other's embrace.

You took your time calming me
While I was collapsing in your hands.

I wake up
To the heavy and pounding
Beat of my heart.
The silence in the room is too much.

I turn and reach for you.
Wanting to pull you closer
Keeping us together.
But you're no longer here.

It's just me now in this cold and silent room.
Oh, what I would give to wake up
In the middle of the night
With you sleeping soundly against my chest.

My alarm won't be going off
For a few more hours.
And I won't be getting anymore sleep Tonight.

You told me once
How you tried your hardest
Not to fall in love with me.

You found out
It was the easiest thing
You've ever done.

Loving myself
Well...
....that's the hardest thing I've ever done.

I've been bruised all over.

Had my shoulder torn out of place

Ribs cracked from a solid blow.

My brow split open. Didn't even notice it.

Found myself out-numbered once, and stood my ground.

I've come across pain plenty, but I have rarely felt hurt.

Hurt doesn't come in the form of conflict.

It comes in through words.

Words are what hurt.

I've fallen to my knees because of words.

I have felt my whole world sink from the sheer weight of what's been said or what has been left in writing.

Words have left me in tears.

Words have left me gasping for air...

Words can leave their own scars if they cut deep enough.

....So does Silence..