it hurts me to see you
to hear you speak
with a smile in your voice
not directed at me
but at something painful to hear
your voice directed at with whom i compete
its an ache in my chest and ice in my throat
and an anger id never thought that id know
that you speak to girls
when you broke up with me
because you needed to be single
to fix your failing sanity.
you told me you needed
to be on your own
and i loved you so i
unwillingly let you go
i thought you couldn't even talk to me
i thought you were really in pain
you used suicide as an excuse
and i was so scared that i let you walk away
but i see you a month later
and i realize
that you were playing a game.
****
you
because
you flirt with these girls
while i burn inside
and i crush the tender love
that im trying so hard to hide.
you hurt me.
you hurt me.

the worst part
is when i have the dream
where i find you in a crowd
and you weren't expecting me
but you turn and instantly
start kissing me.
so naturally you instantly
just hold me and love me
and im safe in your arms
im yours again
it feels so wonderful,
this dream feels real
but it hits like a hammer
when i lie in my bed awake
and know
that ill never have you again.
that you'll never love me again.

i try and i try but i cannot sleep
when i close my eyes i can only weep

radiating out of the hollow hole inside me
where butterflies used to thrive
is a saddness so enveloping
so thorough, that it is filling me up.
and drowning me from the inside.
suffocating and sobbing and begging for air,
it beats at my eyelids and bursts out of my eyes.
this icy saddness which freezes and burns my throat
and makes me curl up like a sinking body in the artic oceans.
as if im protecting the frozen hollows of my heart
against any onslaught of unrequited love i might suffer next.
everynight i find tears on my face as i chide my sobbing
into a quieter tremble of my body,
i cannot let anyone see how torn you've left me
the mask i wear is perfected, self created of shame,
i wish i could show someone
im not as unbreakable as i pretend.
but though i ache to be loved
and i miss you
and i have dreams of kissing you
circumstances demand
that i suffocate and sink
to the coldest darkest place
that i have ever been.

selfish people
who only take the effort that you exert
in hopes that they'll catch the fever
and love you  like you deserve

they dont even know
how little they try
they think a drop of water
is worth an ocean
but not to my eyes,

when every drop that falls from them
is so much more

we are oceans full of love
and we cannot let ourselves run dry
over someone who we wish could love.

do not cry
and please
no longer try
to please those
who poison your mind.