i keep a song in my pocket
and a smile in my eyes
and i fight every week
just to stay alive
I run. and i run.
to catch my breath.
to feel my heart like a bird in my chest.
i need fresh air!
to keep me alive.
i plan to live! not just to survive.
i need to sing,
the melody i hear
falling through my thoughts
like tears
and i feel, and i breathe
and i live, and i sing
and i will enjoy
every hour
of this fragile life i lead.

how can i entice any emotion
to give me hope in my devotion
because my love is like an ocean
and i pull at your fingers
and tug on your toes
but do you want to swim?
god only knows.
you said when at the beach
you must swim
so if my love is like the ocean
why haven't  you ran in?
i thought by now
you'd have let me win.

if i can ignore you for just another hour or two.
id be happy.
if i could stop thinking about "us"
and if it'll ever be realized.
if i submerse myself into the world.
get **** done.
if i forget about your smile and the way you walk.
ill be happy.
because i know that if i struggle with my lack of you..
i wont be happy anymore.
and you know what you always told me?
to be happy.

Searching for a better song.
When you find it, it’s worth the wait.
Always searching for a sweet sounding song.
The best ones are made from sadness or hate.

Always searching for a better song.
Ravaging the internet for a sound that’s ok.
So cool when everyone’s signing along.
I found it, gonna save it for another day.

Some use music to block it all out.
Some have music to quietly hum or croon,
I use music to smile and shout.
But we all know that music always ends too soon.

Music that makes the world seem like more.
I love a song worth waiting for.

I like you
Kind of in the way that I like broccoli
Sometimes youre almost perfect,
sometimes there's a bit too much cheese.
And other times..
Youre much too raw.

Maybe, I should just stop eating broccoli.

this poem has been deleted

some people call me dense
or ignorant
but that's not it.
i'm deep.
so far inside myself
that i can't see.
the world from inside
is so unclear
i cannot understand reality
or anything i hear

sometimes my mind surfaces
a shade or two
and i gain some type of clarity,
so i can hear you
i can feel
in these moments
and its exiting
and cold.
like the world is so raw
outside my soul.
the harshness
of your cutting words-
i'm unprepared
and under dressed
for the real world.

you heard a distant word.
which forced your head to turn.
a word so strong,
it easily came out wrong.

this face confused and kind.
whispered little inspired rhymes
she realized before long
its easier said as a song.

i haven't ever felt this way
tired and lonely and scared and insane.
im confused and lost and ****** and nervous
im curious, insecure, obsessed and
in love
with a boy ive spoken to
less than id like
with a boy who is my companion
but only in my mind
i think of him everyday
i want to be near him
to share everything
but
does he want the same?
we speak every day.
about useless, stupid, unimportant things
i want so badly
to tell him evey nice, poetic thing i feel for him
to share my heart completely.
but
does he want the same?
i fear.
and i worry.
and i regret.
im made up of confusion!
how do we get from friendship-
to where i want to be?
 in his arms,
 for eternity.

theres all these things i want
that you say that youll do
though you never plan on actually coming through
i let you raise my hopes
and look forwards to you all day
i cant wait
i cant wait
i cant wait

and then you never respond
never show up
never let me know that again you've driven home
you break my heart and i let you.
you break promises and i let you .
im dumb enough to still hope that you'll keep them

boy imma take these silver linings
from the storms that you keep giving me
im gonna grow, im gonna learn
and someday im gonna get away
im gonna keep improving
getting better every day

you boy,
you're a learning experience
teaching me never to trust
and never to believe
that things will never happen like they do in my dreams

you keep teaching me
not to put my happiness in other peoples hands
not to hope for anything that i cant guarantee
and never
to never
expect the wrong people to love me.

forget me not?
no, forget me knot.
tied like a noose
around your neck
because you suffer
from every regret

as you enter my mind
i think this and feel left behind
because you look away
from my endearing glances
you kindly listen to my bold
romances
but im alone
in this entrancement
i need you like
i need to breathe
and you look away
like you want to leave
and it hurts
i want you to forget me
so tie a forget me knot around my neck
tighten it till theres no one left
death would be merciful
compared to this.

every night i wait for your goodnight
just so i can go to sleep
even though it makes my arms feel weak
with sadness
-because we sleep in different beds
-that i wont be able to talk to you again until tomorrow
and ill wait all day tomorrow
just to see you for 30 minutes
and sit next to you in silence
because we're different in person
im a different person
when you're around.

i've ripped and torn my knees for you,
and pulled down all these stars
i've sung until the day was through
and ive fought so many wars

i have clung to your smile
and ive  grabbed for your hand
ive hoped i was good enough
though it felt like grasping sand

you enjoyed my effort
for a day or two
but i clung to harshly
and soon
we were through

such happiness i feel!
teeth from ear to ear!
IM READY FOR TODAY.
and whatever it shall bring.

i really wish today to be
the best in all eternity.

In your honest moments,
when there's a need..
to speak your truth
and get relief

when you feel
that there's some light
and someone needs
to know whats right..

when the truth weighs you down
and you need some air to breathe..
just speak the truth,
when there's a need.

i need to stop looking at you
as if you aren't made of skin and bones
i idolize you
as if you're made of chocolate, and coffee
and caramel and honey.
you are music and the deeper tones of life.
you are smoke and sleep and lies
you are beauty and starlight
as confusing as a birds cry
because i don't know if you are
negative or positive
a giggle or a scream
you are a mystery
but forgetting you,
that idea is history
because you're my hobby.
you are my foremost thought.
and im tired of not knowing you
so whether you are lovely or not
i will find out
i will take the chance
and see if your kisses run too hot.

so i lost my mind today.
in a simple sweep,
like the wind.
i forgot my lies today.

they emptied out of their host.
all of my sad sayings,
my rotten words,
they finally ate through..

their clutches tore right through my skin
They broke me till they could no longer hold
and i was left
in this mess
surrounded
by my bruised up soul.

i hate that you never really know anyone.
and that trust is just a thing for the gullible
and i hate how no one really knows who i am.
or who i want to be.
-not even me.

and if you ever manage  live your life
it happens like a car crash.
it will be quickly, accidentally, and outside of reality.
and either it changes everything. or nothing.

maybe its my fault
that who i am is not who i want.
i could live a thousand lives, but be the same.
to me life is a sorry game.

i want to cuddle and kiss you,
to love and misuse you
i want to breathe in your breaths
i want to kiss you until i've got nothing left
i want to love you so hard
i want to be warm in your arms
i want you
but you dont know
because i dont know
if you want me too

how could you say i didnt try?
when i was drowning in my own words
trying to get through to you.
and you could have choked on all the words
that you kept inside.

money spent doesnt equal love won.
not to me at least-
i never felt like you loved me
existing doesnt mean you tried
i wanted to see your heart,
i wanted to hear your true feelings
because god, i was pouring mine out to you.
ripping out my heart to you.

how could you ignore me
when my heart was breaking?
how could you ignore me
if you actually loved me?  

despite what you say
your actions tell me the truth
you never loved me-

-and now youre done pretending to-

have you ever felt so lonely?
lungs aching as they told me.
the wistful beating of your heart,
waiting for something worth its start.

Love cant cure depression,
though god knows ive tried.
ive searched everyplace for cures
i would even rip out my breaking heart and die,
if it could brighten your unhappy soul-less eyes.
It hurts so much that theres no stopping your pain,
But you will never see me cry-
I feel so selfish everytime I try.
You are tortured by the tides of your own emotions,
Ripped apart by your turbulent mind.
Everyone asks me if youre ok
but i just strain to hear the words you say.
im so self destructively in love with you.
As you teach me depression
theres nothing I can do
but stay and ache
and try my best to fix you.

ive written you so many ******* love letters
and i want           
 to burn                  
them all.
because i don't know
how you feel about me.
at all.
i wonder if you like me.
though we talk every day.
ive never sent a single letter.
because
your as unreadable as a brick
as strange to me as the insides of my bedroom wall.
like them, the only thing i see is whats on your outside.
outside you are this calm genius.
so wonderful and sad.
but inside
i do know
you have monsters.
demons and fears.
and my love letters
or my smile pressing against my ears
they cant cure insanity
or depression
which plagues you
much like im plagued
by my love of you.

hey fire.
your burning up the wrong forest.
mrs. fire, why do you burn low when you look at me?
i see you, fire, flicker and stutter
and god, you look like you're about to die.
don't go out because of a whispered wind.
my little words aren't meant to be so harsh.
your warmth will help us all to mend
so strike a spark,
light a match
please, you bonfire of a woman alight!
you are the light of my life!
both my sisters
ive realized
are so bright
your fire and shes sunlight  
but.. then what am i?

My grandpa loves gnomes
They’re all over the house
Sitting by the mirror and useless combs
There might be one that’s a mouse.

Ill give you two guesses at his x-mas gifts.
And every vacation we find a station
That carries the friendly red hatted myths.
He gleefully owns whole generations.

Grandpa looks like a gnome himself.
This is where we think his joy stems.
He fits in too well with his porcelain wealth.

But grandma puts up with it.
‘cause the gnome light keeps her books lit.

don't take offense
if none was intended.
don't take offense.
let your feelings bend.
don't show defense.
let the issue end.
if you have anger.
no one has to know.
emotions create danger.
please let it go.
if no one else can cure it
don't let it show.
harsh feelings infect and spread
so no one needs to know.

baby when i see your eyes
and theyre gold and look like spring
baby when i see your eyes
and theyre smiling at me
baby you are beautiful
so much that i cant speak
i cant even find the words to tell you
how breathless your glances leave me
i have a deep need
to tell you what you mean to me
baby you're my spring.

selfish people
who only take the effort that you exert
in hopes that they'll catch the fever
and love you  like you deserve

they dont even know
how little they try
they think a drop of water
is worth an ocean
but not to my eyes,

when every drop that falls from them
is so much more

we are oceans full of love
and we cannot let ourselves run dry
over someone who we wish could love.

do not cry
and please
no longer try
to please those
who poison your mind.

you're naturally amazing.
im a collage of googled information.
you are musically talented.
i steal everything from Pandora.
you are easy going and friends with everyone.
i am afraid of social interaction.
sometimes, im even afraid of you.
you are the musical genius.
brimming with future chances at wealth.
and im me.
afraid of spiders, the outside world,
and shaking hands with people.
you don't even know.
how little i am compared to you.

About every third sentence I say to you I regret.
There are little words with harsher truths
than I ever should let you hear from me
Because I aim to be the home you run to
When your tender emotions are burning you alive like acid
And whenever your thoughts feel like a trap.
you are my angel. You are where my heart lives.
I die a little everytime I hurt you with my words.

I think I regret more than I breathe
And i make my eyes stay wide
but then i can't see
And my throat aches so I sing
And Im lonely
And just plain tired
of being me

i want to send all of my poetry to you.
poems about you.
i want to send every love letter.
letters filled with you.
but i keep finding reasons not to.
i keep blocking myself off.
"i need to see his face when he hears this"
"i  have to be there when i tell him"
not online.
not online.
not online.
i want to see his face.
but.
roadblocks.
are they realistic?
you cant just send someone a thousand love letters.
you cant just tell someone, i wrote poetry for you.
about you.
roadblocks.
but see i cant even manage to be friends,
if i cant be honest.
and people who aren't even friends?
they don't see the others face on purpose.

Fiona told me that all poems should start
with roses and violets of red and blue.
So: Fiona’s a cool blue to Liz’s flaming red heart.
And I the daisy closely combining the two.

the daisy smiles up at the sun.
to soften the fearless red rose is its goal.
Forever intertwining the daisies and roses roots run.
The violet has such a friendly soul.

Forever laughing you and me.
Broken with companionable silence.
The violet, daisy, and rose create such a scene.
Our life together is such a colorful riot!

Together forever they will grow tall.
So tightly knit are their stems they will never fall.

you've become my habit.
my searching glances for your face
strain for any emotional trace
there's now a sinking in my chest
where my heart used to flutter
i really think it would be best
if we put this love to rest.

inside of me
there lives a quiet secret
it could hold the promise of joy
the love of live, it could be my future
but that secret is behind a fortress
which i will not breach
it is wrapped up tight with reasons
which tell me why i should'nt reach
for my  open, honest, life filled soul
which im scared my secret could easily teach
me the answer of who am i beneath all my roles.

she said this, he said that
tie my hands be hind my back
because  he asks, is he wrong?
and she, she asks what's his song?  
are they friends?
not for long.
neither speaking
but they know
cause' my little lips keep leaking.
i had never joined a side
and now im just reciting lines.
furthering the flames
heightening the blows
maybe best they speak alone
former friend to foe.

Shoulda known
Shoulda expected
the moment I asked for help
(Im better off alone)
That the minor inconvenience and the minor expectation
(its better if im alone)
Would have been too much for them to manage
(its better if im alone)
For me.
Cant do anything, for me.

You really thought they cared?
No, you really thought they cared?
Whatever made you think that they ever really cared?
Theyve only ever pitied you
Put you in a box, insisted you were stupid despite your intelligent thoughts.
I struggled. I fought. And I have over come.
But yet I still cant manage to find someone who thinks im worth their time
Dissapointed disregarded disheartened
Heart broken
Theyve got me Jaded
Not caring about the danger
tryin to be faded
A little full of anger
A little tired of this hatred
And I've got a little wager
I could convince you right here right now
That no one in my life
knows my life
-knows who I really am
Knows how hard I've had to fight
Against the broken dreams inside
Against the anxiety, depression and autism.
All convincing them im just a waste of life.
And now my life has been spent with
People disrespecting Me
people dissapointing me
People always hurting me
Making me feel
Making me know
That im always
*******
better
off
alone

it hurts me to see you
to hear you speak
with a smile in your voice
not directed at me
but at something painful to hear
your voice directed at with whom i compete
its an ache in my chest and ice in my throat
and an anger id never thought that id know
that you speak to girls
when you broke up with me
because you needed to be single
to fix your failing sanity.
you told me you needed
to be on your own
and i loved you so i
unwillingly let you go
i thought you couldn't even talk to me
i thought you were really in pain
you used suicide as an excuse
and i was so scared that i let you walk away
but i see you a month later
and i realize
that you were playing a game.
****
you
because
you flirt with these girls
while i burn inside
and i crush the tender love
that im trying so hard to hide.
you hurt me.
you hurt me.

I’ve heard you like lightning.
Well I like the rain.
I’ve heard you like the bright dazzling lights.
Well I like the sound of the night train.

I know you love running.
And I know you have that scar.
Well I like it when it’s sunny.
And I’ll listen real hard.

I love the smell of limes.
And any sad song works for you.
You’re good at finding things that rhyme.
And I thought you were my best friend too.

But today I realized you’re my sister.
Because I’ve never met her, but I also miss her

love is
when the girl
gets down on her knees
and she smiles as she ties his shoes
because she knows that kind of care is something hes new to.
and when he sways back and forth in the cold
because its December and they've been kissing good bye
for at least 4 whole minutes.
what is love?
maybe its when i don't feel all that whole
if you aren't wrapped up in my arms.
maybe its when i break through my anxieties
just to stop your stress
because i think it may be killing you
your hair is turning white.
i need to help you
and i need to show you
that i do love you.