They say destruction is creation,
Which she's proven to be true.
It takes a brutal pain,
To uncover something new.

Sweaty hands don't grip well,
Which she recently found out.
Before you can let anything in,
You need to let everything out.

Changing your life is a challenge,
Which she was forced to learn.
If you put your hand too close to fire,
You'll be enthralled, but it'll burn.

Its hard to love, love,
Which she finally discovered.
Because when love decides to leave,
There's nothing worse than the recover.

I'm wishing I was bulletproof
As the rain falls through this roof.
And you're screaming in my face,
But these tears can't be erased.
Feeling guilty you made me cry.
The secrets you keep killing you inside.
You're to proud to show or share your fears,
But that fear is keeping us here.
Too full of **** to explain
How this love drives us both insane.
We're both too stubborn to understand.
We're both too big of ******* to give a ****.
We were both poised and waiting
For the sound of the gun.
Get ready,
Get set,
Bang!
Now we run.

It's here with me now
I can soak up the universe
Into the needle
With a plunger
It's satanic charmers are going to the bowling alley
They are smoking cigarettes and talking about being human
****
If I am not the moth
slamming my full
weight against the lightbulb
at the bottom of your soul
I want to kiss you
and tell you that the universe is not a secret
It is right here in front of you

Words are sure strange hunh?
Ever think about it dipping its finger into the energy river
and it dripping off into black nothingness
The black universe
like an eyelid
like shadow
it becomes needle
and I am dead
Everything I am
bashed against the wall like a lightbulb

Someone I once loved
Ran his finger across my chest and traced
The outline of my moles and said
"They look like an anchor! When you connect the dots, they are the shape
Of an anchor! You are an anchor. It all makes sense now.
You are going to be okay."

At the time it was like some big epiphany for him,
Like he was telling me something about myself
That I never knew when really, I always knew
It was just
Something I didn't want
To admit. It is something
I have been running away from for a long time now, thinking
I could be an anchor for someone else
Because then THEY could be my problem, my project,
My ocean
So then that way I could leave myself, fallen by the wayside
To wither away, slowly, subtly,
Secretly disappearing.

I am attracted to people who are made of glass,
People who shatter easily, who shatter willingly,
Who are reckless and brilliant, beautiful and dangerous
People who I unconsciously think
I can save.

I can only save myself.
I can only be my own anchor.

I am nowhere near strong enough
To be with someone again
I am so terribly fragile, I break my own heart
So easily. Too willingly.
All I want is to keep realizing things like this,
To admit my mistakes and learn from them, not
Repeat them.
To hold on to the people who keep me on the ground,
The people who actually love me, who don't put me on
Some pedestal where I am liable
To float away.

Because if I'm not careful and let myself
Float away again,
I
may
never
come
back.

It's all very arbitrary
Desiring what doesn't reciprocate
Trying to hold diamond smoke
Even though fate
Shook her ruthless head
Chasing madly after a mirage
The only oasis thirsted for
An ambrosial image
That leaves us wanting more
                                                  more
                                                          more

i have an endless amount of patience at the beginning of december
right when all the trees and wreaths go up
and all the holiday music begins to play
i even have enough patience to sing along and enjoy
the predictable chord progressions.

by the middle of december the sadness begins to set in
the what-ifs-but-it's-not-this-is-how-it-is-and-how-it-should-have-be­ens
flashbacks of when things weren't broken
so then i try to make myself less sad and send christmas cards to people i love
and i try the "it is what you make it" approach
which only lasts for so long and then slowly
fades away.

by the end of december, five days before christmas
my patience has vanished
people irritate me
decorations irritate me
facts irritate me
i irritate me
i have no stomach for any of it and just wish i was a bear
so i could hibernate until all of this
holiday business is finally over with.